Bengali/Islamic marriage Watch

Anonymous #1
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Any advice on marriage? I have just turned 24, have graduated and am searching for a job. As soon as I get a graduate job, my parents will start looking for a guy for me. I'm really scared about this as there are a lot of broken marriages/relationships nowadays. Nobody is as serious. I don't mind an arranged marriage cause I know my parents will find the perfect man for me in sha allah. But you never know what the other person is like or what is really going through their minds.
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SRouf
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Talk to your parents about what you want like are you ready to get married any time soon? To be honest, nowadays 24 is actually a pretty young age to get married. If you're financially stable though and mentally and physically ready then go for it but please talk to your parents about what kind of guy actually appeals to you. Also, whatever you do, don't go for anyone who just thinks for themself or has a criminal record or is unfaithful. A lot of people hide certain details. Best of luck.
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Anonymous #2
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OMG this might as well be written by me, I’m in the exact same situation! Although I really don’t want to get arranged cos most people in my family got arranged then divorced so I wanna find someone myself. It’s just difficult finding guys who are serious.
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GymAkhi
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Salaams.

I would advise you to go to the Ummah forums and ask there instead, the advice you seek would be a lot more uh... applicable considering you're a muslim and you seem to be a practicing one too, so I doubt a non-muslim telling you to just date around would be relevant lol.

As for arrange marraiges, you are allowed to talk/say what you are looking for in a partner, it's not a matter of you're in an arranged marraige and it turns into a blind date but far more serious, you can ask questions and find out what he/she is like.

(Original post by SRouf)
Talk to your parents about what you want like are you ready to get married any time soon? To be honest, nowadays 24 is actually a pretty young age to get married.
LOL tell my mother and father that. I'm practically in the same position as OP and my mum is asking when I'm finding a wife now that my life is starting. She says the longer I leave it the less time I'll have to actually be with my wife which is understandable. I don't think she's rushing me I think it's more advice on letting a reliationship develop before kids come into play and our attention is then divided.
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Anonymous #1
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(Original post by SRouf)
Talk to your parents about what you want like are you ready to get married any time soon? To be honest, nowadays 24 is actually a pretty young age to get married. If you're financially stable though and mentally and physically ready then go for it but please talk to your parents about what kind of guy actually appeals to you. Also, whatever you do, don't go for anyone who just thinks for themself or has a criminal record or is unfaithful. A lot of people hide certain details. Best of luck.
Yes, I agree with you. 24 is quiet young and I've only just finished and graduated, so it may even take time for me to search for a job. I am not financially stable, I'm unemployed so I need to consider that. I've always have said once I am financially stable I will be ready to get married, but I would like other peoples thoughts on this. Family members have said I don't need to be financially stable to get married, but I don't want to depend on my husbands income because I will always feel bad spending his money. I just want someone that has a loving and caring attitude, and ofcourse is on their deen. I don't even mind if they haven't done a degree. Is it wrong settling down with someone that is less than you, such as someone only working in a supermarket or doesn't have a high profile? Thank you
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Anonymous #1
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(Original post by Anonymous)
OMG this might as well be written by me, I’m in the exact same situation! Although I really don’t want to get arranged cos most people in my family got arranged then divorced so I wanna find someone myself. It’s just difficult finding guys who are serious.
That sounds scary. I was searching for myself and thats why I am scared cause guys in general are going to be lovely at the beginning but once you know them its different. Same way how girls are to be honest. It's sad cause most bengali boys/girls don't think about marriage if they want to be in a relationship. They just go onto having a relationship for the sake of it.
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Anonymous #1
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(Original post by GymAkhi)
Salaams.

I would advise you to go to the Ummah forums and ask there instead, the advice you seek would be a lot more uh... applicable considering you're a muslim and you seem to be a practicing one too, so I doubt a non-muslim telling you to just date around would be relevant lol.

As for arrange marraiges, you are allowed to talk/say what you are looking for in a partner, it's not a matter of you're in an arranged marraige and it turns into a blind date but far more serious, you can ask questions and find out what he/she is like.



LOL tell my mother and father that. I'm practically in the same position as OP and my mum is asking when I'm finding a wife now that my life is starting. She says the longer I leave it the less time I'll have to actually be with my wife which is understandable. I don't think she's rushing me I think it's more advice on letting a reliationship develop before kids come into play and our attention is then divided.
That is true! Also, I have heard it's wrong to have girls (I don't know about boys) unmarried for too long, it becomes a sin for the parents which I don't want in sha allah. But money comes in the way of everything nowadays D: You need income and start your own life as well as standing on your own feet.
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Curious_G
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(Original post by SRouf)
Talk to your parents about what you want like are you ready to get married any time soon? To be honest, nowadays 24 is actually a pretty young age to get married. If you're financially stable though and mentally and physically ready then go for it but please talk to your parents about what kind of guy actually appeals to you. Also, whatever you do, don't go for anyone who just thinks for themself or has a criminal record or is unfaithful. A lot of people hide certain details. Best of luck.

Don't be afraid of arranged marriages.

I imagine there would be a lot of negativity agasint them on a forum like this.

Just, make sure you are okay with who you are going to be with. Besides, as muslims, ONLY Allah knows. There never is certainty. If things don't work out, then's that';s just life. Learn from it and I wish you the best of luck.
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Anonymous #1
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(Original post by Curious_G)
Don't be afraid of arranged marriages.

I imagine there would be a lot of negativity agasint them on a forum like this.

Just, make sure you are okay with who you are going to be with. Besides, as muslims, ONLY Allah knows. There never is certainty. If things don't work out, then's that';s just life. Learn from it and I wish you the best of luck.
Just being with someone you have never met in your life, don't know what they are like, how they are like - scares me.
'There never is certainty.' - That is what scares me and probably most people cause shaytan loves divorce, breakups etc. How do I find a person that will be suitable for me? Am I able to spend time with him with family/friends to see what he is like or is that haram?
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SRouf
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Yeah, I'm in the same boat in the sense that I'd like to be at least somewhat financially stable before getting into marriage. I think just have a deep discussion about what you think is best for you but of course, listen to what your parents are saying too unless it sounds completely unreasonable such as 'you can just depend on your husband's money'. To be honest, this is the 21st century now a lot of girls are getting jobs and it's okay if you're unemployed now you can still get married and then later in life, find a secure job. I just think like buying/renting a house after marriage or contributing to the cost of the wedding are things to think about. I wouldn't think too much about this stuff anyway but if you are getting pressured then have a chat with them about it and make it clear what kind of man you're looking for. Also, I don't think it's that big of a problem if someone marries someone who is 'less' than them but I would consider someone with an actual education at least till college level because my priorities are more on his actual personality traits and his deen but I highly value education as well so I'd preferably want to be with someone who also values it. But that's just me.
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SRouf
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(Original post by Anonymous)
Just being with someone you have never met in your life, don't know what they are like, how they are like - scares me.
'There never is certainty.' - That is what scares me and probably most people cause shaytan loves divorce, breakups etc. How do I find a person that will be suitable for me? Am I able to spend time with him with family/friends to see what he is like or is that haram?
I don't know what kind of arranged marriages those are (the ones you're describing sound more like forced marriages which is totally different) but the ones I've witnessed like my own sister and brother who both had their own arranged marriages actually met the person they were going to marry, read their CVs and have at least gotten to know them for a few/couple of months before the actual wedding took place. I also would prefer a love marriage over an arranged marriage mainly because I would like to get to know the person for at least two years before marrying them because with arranged marriages, there's sort of a time limit but you do get to know them but it varies how much between cultures and traditions I guess. With both, you still need to be cautious. There are a lot of dodgy people out there.
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Anonymous #1
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(Original post by SRouf)
Yeah, I'm in the same boat in the sense that I'd like to be at least somewhat financially stable before getting into marriage. I think just have a deep discussion about what you think is best for you but of course, listen to what your parents are saying too unless it sounds completely unreasonable such as 'you can just depend on your husband's money'. To be honest, this is the 21st century now a lot of girls are getting jobs and it's okay if you're unemployed now you can still get married and then later in life, find a secure job. I just think like buying/renting a house after marriage or contributing to the cost of the wedding are things to think about. I wouldn't think too much about this stuff anyway but if you are getting pressured then have a chat with them about it and make it clear what kind of man you're looking for. Also, I don't think it's that big of a problem if someone marries someone who is 'less' than them but I would consider someone with an actual education at least till college level because my priorities are more on his actual personality traits and his deen but I highly value education as well so I'd preferably want to be with someone who also values it. But that's just me.
Tbh my mum has just mentioned about marriage once and that was yesterday. My parents have never ever spoken about marriage to me directly (until yesterday) or they avoided it completly when the extended family would ask 'when are you planning to give her away'. So its crazy to hear something like that from my mothers mouth, but I guess I'm hitting that age. I am defo not getting pressured alhumdullilah lol, but I think they just want me to think about it now. But most of my aunts and cousins are not married yet. In my extended family I've seen girls getting married really late like ages 25 and older. Some of my aunts are like 30 and they are still not married, and my family members don't mind that. I agree on education at least till college, but you don't need to have a degree to make you a smart lad. I've always said that even though I decided to gain a degree lol.
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HelloGoodbye
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(Original post by SRouf)
I don't know what kind of arranged marriages those are (the ones you're describing sound more like forced marriages which is totally different) but the ones I've witnessed like my own sister and brother who both had their own arranged marriages actually met the person they were going to marry, read their CVs and have at least gotten to know them for a few/couple of months before the actual wedding took place. I also would prefer a love marriage over an arranged marriage mainly because I would like to get to know the person for at least two years before marrying them because with arranged marriages, there's sort of a time limit but you do get to know them but it varies how much between cultures and traditions I guess. With both, you still need to be cautious. There are a lot of dodgy people out there.
I really don’t wanna get arranged but I’m almost 24 and haven’t met anyone and my mum is DESPERATE for me to get married (cos she hates me lol not even joking) so I’m just feeling a lot of much pressure to marry a guy so I can move out and make her happy
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Anonymous #1
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(Original post by HelloGoodbye)
I really don’t wanna get arranged but I’m almost 24 and haven’t met anyone and my mum is DESPERATE for me to get married (cos she hates me lol not even joking) so I’m just feeling a lot of much pressure to marry a guy so I can move out and make her happy
Yes all mum's are different, some are laid back and some are just onto you for you to get married lol. Why don't you speak to her and tell her your not ready yet maybe and how you feel.
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HelloGoodbye
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(Original post by Anonymous)
Yes all mum's are different, some are laid back and some are just onto you for you to get married lol. Why don't you speak to her and tell her your not ready yet maybe and how you feel.
I did but cos she got married at 19 and is very uneducated she doesn’t understand why I don’t want to get married right now cos 24 is ancient to her. and she doesn’t get why I’m so against arranged marriage even tho most of our family are divorced/in sh*t marriages after getting arranged (I’m the anon from earlier). It really stressed me out thinking about marrying a guy I won’t have known for long and spent time w alone.
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Anonymous #1
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(Original post by SRouf)
I don't know what kind of arranged marriages those are (the ones you're describing sound more like forced marriages which is totally different) but the ones I've witnessed like my own sister and brother who both had their own arranged marriages actually met the person they were going to marry, read their CVs and have at least gotten to know them for a few/couple of months before the actual wedding took place. I also would prefer a love marriage over an arranged marriage mainly because I would like to get to know the person for at least two years before marrying them because with arranged marriages, there's sort of a time limit but you do get to know them but it varies how much between cultures and traditions I guess. With both, you still need to be cautious. There are a lot of dodgy people out there.
Do you agree on CV's to know someone? Anyone can write anything, isn't it better to get to know them a few months before agreeing to get married to them? I don't know thats just my preference. Alhumdulillah most arranged marriages work out, just nowadays a lot of divorce and breakups happen. It never used to be like that before. Is it because the meaning of marriage is not as important anymore. Even with love marriage, you find out how a person is and if they are not suitable then you caused a haram act (in a way). I would love to have a love marriage, I would want to know my partner and be confident in marrying him without having second thoughts.
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GymAkhi
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(Original post by Anonymous)
That is true! Also, I have heard it's wrong to have girls (I don't know about boys) unmarried for too long, it becomes a sin for the parents which I don't want in sha allah. But money comes in the way of everything nowadays D: You need income and start your own life as well as standing on your own feet.
AFAIK It only becomes a sin when you are in a position where you are able to get married but choose not to. If you can't get married because of the reasons you stated (such as not being financially stable, or can't find a suitable spouse) then I don't think it's a sin, as long as you're actively trying and do have the intention of marriage.

That sounds scary. I was searching for myself and thats why I am scared cause guys in general are going to be lovely at the beginning but once you know them its different. Same way how girls are to be honest.

Just being with someone you have never met in your life, don't know what they are like, how they are like - scares me.
'There never is certainty.' - That is what scares me and probably most people cause shaytan loves divorce, breakups etc. How do I find a person that will be suitable for me? Am I able to spend time with him with family/friends to see what he is like or is that haram?
People assume that if it's an arranged marriage then you will know nothing about the person, but that's not true if done right. Whether you find someone of your own accord or have your parents find someone for you, there will be time for you to get to know the person they are so that you know what they are like.

Obviously you'd have someone with you at the time but it's not like you can't talk and get to know them. End of the day, they are the person you're going to spend the rest of your life with and raise children with insha'Allah.

The reason some parents are a bit more "urgent" with their daughters to get married is to prevent them from going down a sinful route, they feel like the longer they leave a girl unmarried the more likely she is to be tempted, so they would rather it done sooner than later because of the society we live in.

I honestly wouldn't worry about your own finances, if you're with a guy they're the one that's going to have to provide for you, so even if you don't like spending his money at the start of the marriage it will only be a few years until you empty his bank account and then some.

I know plenty of people that get married and while they're young, they live with the guys parents while they save up for a house in the future. It's probably the best way to go about things considering how house prices are now days, not to mention it allows for a lot more stability both financially and marriage wise.

Consider doing Tahajjud maybe?
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Anonymous #1
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(Original post by GymAkhi)
AFAIK It only becomes a sin when you are in a position where you are able to get married but choose not to. If you can't get married because of the reasons you stated (such as not being financially stable, or can't find a suitable spouse) then I don't think it's a sin, as long as you're actively trying and do have the intention of marriage.



People assume that if it's an arranged marriage then you will know nothing about the person, but that's not true if done right. Whether you find someone of your own accord or have your parents find someone for you, there will be time for you to get to know the person they are so that you know what they are like.

Obviously you'd have someone with you at the time but it's not like you can't talk and get to know them. End of the day, they are the person you're going to spend the rest of your life with and raise children with insha'Allah.

The reason some parents are a bit more "urgent" with their daughters to get married is to prevent them from going down a sinful route, they feel like the longer they leave a girl unmarried the more likely she is to be tempted, so they would rather it done sooner than later because of the society we live in.

I honestly wouldn't worry about your own finances, if you're with a guy they're the one that's going to have to provide for you, so even if you don't like spending his money at the start of the marriage it will only be a few years until you empty his bank account and then some.

I know plenty of people that get married and while they're young, they live with the guys parents while they save up for a house in the future. It's probably the best way to go about things considering how house prices are now days, not to mention it allows for a lot more stability both financially and marriage wise.

Consider doing Tahajjud maybe?
'I honestly wouldn't worry about your own finances, if you're with a guy they're the one that's going to have to provide for you, so even if you don't like spending his money at the start of the marriage it will only be a few years until you empty his bank account and then some.'
I agree, I just hope they won't feel like I am a burden on them.

'Consider doing Tahajjud maybe?'
Will you be able to clarify what tahajjud is in detail, because I have always wondered if performing tahajjud is only the times when your in a real situation, not for something minor like this? Also, if you know how to perform tahajjud will you go through what you have to do please?
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Anonymous #3
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You really think the student room is the best place for marriage advice
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Anonymous #1
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(Original post by Anonymous)
You really think the student room is the best place for marriage advice
Why not? It's called the student room for a reason and it's ranged for ages like ours Reason why there is a section stated as 'Relationships'.
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