The Student Room Group

My mother manipulates me with money

I'm 20 years old and super dependent on my mom. She won't allow me to get a job for some reason, let alone let me take the family car to go looking for one. Things just have to go her way, even though she's wrong.

For example,
I was trying to get accepted into a nursing school that I absolutely knew I could get into, I got in all my papers including the professors they favored to recommend me. All that was left was my university transcripts that have been held due to an unpaid balance of a quarter. I told my mother to pay but she's been putting it off, yet been paying my brother and sister's tuition. Because of her, I got rejected due to missing paperwork for the quarter I applied to and now I'm furious that I am so dependent on her money.
She doesn't like taking out loans cause she doesn't "trust" them & I tried going to a friend to help me out but my mother forbid me on seeing her and now I am so stuck.

What can I do? I honestly feel like dropping out and becoming a stripper.

UPDATE: my mother said it's too expensive for her to send me to the choice of nursing school I wanted to attend. Yet, she sends my sister and brother to schools of their choice(& they're not cheap). She said I would have to do community college, which I wouldn't mind, if i had a choice in which community college I want to go to & if I could dorm because I don't want to live in this house any longer I don't think I can stand it here.
(edited 5 years ago)
Why is your mother so against you getting a job? Have you spoken to your mother about this? You are 20 years old, not a child anymore. Do you have any family members who you get on with who could help you out, or talk to your mother?
Reply 2
Why are you letting her control you? You need to just get on with it and ignore her stupid complaints.
Reply 3
Original post by cheesecakelove
Why is your mother so against you getting a job? Have you spoken to your mother about this? You are 20 years old, not a child anymore. Do you have any family members who you get on with who could help you out, or talk to your mother?

It's super complicated. It's hard for me to find a job because I have little to no experience due to my parents always wanting me to stay in the house to focus on my studies. Now I am not in school, my mother just wants me to help her by "do my part in the house" and that's all she wants me to do. I rarely get job opportunities but when I do, my mother immediately shuts them down due transportation issues, and that she simply doesn't want me to work in if it's not medical related. Also, I don't own a car. So I would have to take the family van in order to go to work but that would leave my father without transportation. Neither of my parents would drop me off and pick me up because they are just way too busy. I tried having a serious conversation with her, but she never got it. She claims, "mother knows best". I can't ask any family members because the family members I do know around the area has beef with my family for unknown reasons so I doubt they would want to help me with something my mom can "easily" settle.
Reply 4
Original post by Bio 7
Why are you letting her control you? You need to just get on with it and ignore her stupid complaints.

It's hard to ignore her complains when she holds the money. Whatever she says goes and if I go against her, she won't financially support me. & it's not like I can just go out and get a job. Like I explained in another comment, it's complicated.
(edited 5 years ago)
Reply 5
I tried, many times. a different approach as well but every single time she hits me with the "mother knows best" bullcrap. I don't know how to be financially independent. my friend who was helping me can't see me anymore because my mom told her to back off.
Original post by nellbells
It's super complicated. It's hard for me to find a job because I have little to no experience due to my parents always wanting me to stay in the house to focus on my studies. Now I am not in school, my mother just wants me to help her by "do my part in the house" and that's all she wants me to do. I rarely get job opportunities but when I do, my mother immediately shuts them down due transportation issues, and that she simply doesn't want me to work in if it's not medical related. Also, I don't own a car. So I would have to take the family van in order to go to work but that would leave my father without transportation. Neither of my parents would drop me off and pick me up because they are just way too busy. I tried having a serious conversation with her, but she never got it. She claims, "mother knows best". I can't ask any family members because the family members I do know around the area has beef with my family for unknown reasons so I doubt they would want to help me with something my mom can "easily" settle.

This is nasty and control with a capital C. Your parents will eventually reap what they sow, because they will not entertain being in the wrong and with parents like this, you are fighting a losing battle. In these situations, it’s usually the mother who wields control.
Your choices are limited, but not impossible, but extreme, the only way you can have a life is to move out and cut ties. You will have to start over. You don’t need your parents financial contribution to study. You can do that as an estranged student.
Can the papers you prepared for nursing school be used again but as an independent student? Look into this. From personal experience, if things are so bad, you will run as far away as possible. It’s the price you will have to pay for your freedom.
Reply 7
Make a CV and do you best to make your mum feel that your doing what she wants. And then apply to jobs. Do volunteering for experience perhaps beforehand.
Original post by OGGUS
Make a CV and do you best to make your mum feel that your doing what she wants. And then apply to jobs. Do volunteering for experience perhaps beforehand.

Why would she do that? At what point does she have to live in a situation of emotional abuse - because that is clearly what this is- to appease a parent who wants an unpaid servant around the home, won’t allow her child to study and reach her potential and even influences her friends in order to isolate her daughter.
Reply 9
(Original post by OGGUS)Make a CV and do your best to make your mum feel that your doing what she wants. And then apply to jobs. Do volunteering for experience perhaps beforehand.

I've applied to jobs as well as volunteering, but as I've mentioned, transportation is an issue and it would be even more of an issue if its a job not approved by my mother. I appreciate you helping reach a conclusion though.
Reply 10
Original post by Seamus123
Why would she do that? At what point does she have to live in a situation of emotional abuse - because that is clearly what this is- to appease a parent who wants an unpaid servant around the home, won’t allow her child to study and reach her potential and even influences her friends in order to isolate her daughter.

Yeah I'm trying to figure out how to deal with everything.
Reply 11
Original post by Seamus123
This is nasty and control with a capital C. Your parents will eventually reap what they sow, because they will not entertain being in the wrong and with parents like this, you are fighting a losing battle. In these situations, it’s usually the mother who wields control.
Your choices are limited, but not impossible, but extreme, the only way you can have a life is to move out and cut ties. You will have to start over. You don’t need your parents financial contribution to study. You can do that as an estranged student.
Can the papers you prepared for nursing school be used again but as an independent student? Look into this. From personal experience, if things are so bad, you will run as far away as possible. It’s the price you will have to pay for your freedom.

I could leave but I honestly wouldn't know where to go. With no transportation, no money, and I really wouldn't want to burden anyone of my friends really... not saying that I haven't before though (which is why I don't want to have other people responsible for me). The papers can be used again, but I still have a hold that's not cleared from my university. I reached out to their registrars office and told them about my situation. they responded by saying that it is their policy and can't have my transcripts sent unless the balance is paid. This is something she has been putting off for 3 months. yet, she pays my brothers and sisters tuition monthly. I even told her my transcripts being sent determines if I'm going to nursing school or not and she kind of just does not engage in the conversation.
Original post by nellbells
I could leave but I honestly wouldn't know where to go. With no transportation, no money, and I really wouldn't want to burden anyone of my friends really... not saying that I haven't before though (which is why I don't want to have other people responsible for me). The papers can be used again, but I still have a hold that's not cleared from my university. I reached out to their registrars office and told them about my situation. they responded by saying that it is their policy and can't have my transcripts sent unless the balance is paid. This is something she has been putting off for 3 months. yet, she pays my brothers and sisters tuition monthly. I even told her my transcripts being sent determines if I'm going to nursing school or not and she kind of just does not engage in the conversation.

She is holding off paying what is owed as a means of controlling you and keeping you at home.
Reply 13
Original post by Seamus123
She is holding off paying what is owed as a means of controlling you and keeping you at home.

I've realized that but I don't know what to do about it. I feel so stuck.
Maybe contact your siblings and ask trhem to convince your mum?
You don't have a quarter to your name at the age of 20? Get some independence and go find a job, ride a damn bike or walk there. Your parents are not obliged to give you stuff at 20.
Reply 16
Original post by doodle_333
You don't have a quarter to your name at the age of 20? Get some independence and go find a job, ride a damn bike or walk there. Your parents are not obliged to give you stuff at 20.

easier said than done. like i said, my parents wouldn't allow me to get a job. i could go find one, if transportation wasn't a problem. biking isnt an option since i dont have one. walking shouldnt be an option since it's not the safest for a young female who lives in a high crime area. like i mentioned before, i dont have a quarter to my name at age 20 because my mother wants to be the only one who handles the money. thanks for trying i guess.
Original post by nellbells
easier said than done. like i said, my parents wouldn't allow me to get a job. i could go find one, if transportation wasn't a problem. biking isnt an option since i dont have one. walking shouldnt be an option since it's not the safest for a young female who lives in a high crime area. like i mentioned before, i dont have a quarter to my name at age 20 because my mother wants to be the only one who handles the money. thanks for trying i guess.

you're 20, your parents can't stop you doing anything

honestly I think there are very few places you can't safely walk, you sound American and tbh you guys are way too reliant on cars... you can walk and 99% you'll be fine... if you find a job you can ask around if any friends can lend you a bike until you get your first paycheck

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