Family unsupportive and patronising about my degree and achievements Watch

royal1990
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Basically, I graduated a few years ago, my Mother was never really keen on me going to uni. I was the first to go, and she never went so she had this negative view on it. She also never thought I was capable enough.

Eventually she came around to it. Upon my graduation ceremony she sort of stood about awkwardly, and looked disinterested with what was going on.

Nowadays, I live away from home, with my partner and whenever I go to stay with mum she always brings up other people and their achievements. "You remember so and so, she is now working in xyz earning good money/has good job".

I feel like she's trying to rub it in that I've been applying for graduate jobs for a long time, and work in unskilled work.

It's almost like she's saying "told you so, you shouldn't have gone".

Anybody else's parents like this?
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Claire461
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(Original post by royal1990)
Basically, I graduated a few years ago, my Mother was never really keen on me going to uni. I was the first to go, and she never went so she had this negative view on it. She also never thought I was capable enough.

Eventually she came around to it. Upon my graduation ceremony she sort of stood about awkwardly, and looked disinterested with what was going on.

Nowadays, I live away from home, with my partner and whenever I go to stay with mum she always brings up other people and their achievements. "You remember so and so, she is now working in xyz earning good money/has good job".

I feel like she's trying to rub it in that I've been applying for graduate jobs for a long time, and work in unskilled work.

It's almost like she's saying "told you so, you shouldn't have gone".

Anybody else's parents like this?
There is just no pleasing some parents. Much of the time, parents can be either very proud of their children going to university and achieving well, or at the other end of the spectrum, parent like yours who behaves badly.
Some of my 7 children went to university, and some didn’t. That was their choice. I encouraged them whatever their choices.
Just take what she says with a pinch of salt, but I couldn’t be doing with that, so I’d scale back on the visits. Either that, or tell her to put a sock in it.
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royal1990
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(Original post by Seamus123)
There is just no pleasing some parents. Much of the time, parents can be either very proud of their children going to university and achieving well, or at the other end of the spectrum, parent like yours who behaves badly.
Some of my 7 children went to university, and some didn’t. That was their choice. I encouraged them whatever their choices.
Just take what she says with a pinch of salt, but I couldn’t be doing with that, so I’d scale back on the visits. Either that, or tell her to put a sock in it.
Yes, it is very unfortunate that Mum is like this. It's just the upset it causes me when she has to bring other people's achievements into it just to prove some silly point.

I'm already quite depressed as it is that things didn't work out. But it is still an achievement, and she should be happy for me irrespective of outcome.

I need encouragement and support not criticism. I don't really get that kind of support from anyone, family or friends. My partner kind of gets me and she helps.

But it just really frustrated me. Top it off I'm quite unwell physically (as well as depression / low self esteen), and stressed out over Christmas and debts. Everyone my age is having kids and buying houses.

Meanwhile I feel like a useless adult.
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Claire461
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(Original post by royal1990)
Yes, it is very unfortunate that Mum is like this. It's just the upset it causes me when she has to bring other people's achievements into it just to prove some silly point.

I'm already quite depressed as it is that things didn't work out. But it is still an achievement, and she should be happy for me irrespective of outcome.

I need encouragement and support not criticism. I don't really get that kind of support from anyone, family or friends. My partner kind of gets me and she helps.

But it just really frustrated me. Top it off I'm quite unwell physically (as well as depression / low self esteen), and stressed out over Christmas and debts. Everyone my age is having kids and buying houses.

Meanwhile I feel like a useless adult.
Stay away from people you feel exacerbate your mental and physical wellbeing.
Take it easy over Christmas. I’m not a fan of Christmas but I made the effort when my 7 were little. My children know this and appreciate this.
Are you getting help with your debts?
So what if you aren’t buying your own house - I’m 70 and live in social housing. If people have an issue with that, it’s their issue.
Having kids can wait until you are ready and you sort out your own problems and don’t let anyone pressure you. There is nothing worse for a child than having a parent who is stressed out all of the time.
What help are you getting for your mental health? That should be your first priority as your physical and mental health are intertwined. As one improves, so will the other.
I’m sorry your mum behaves this way. I graduated this year and my children supported me all the way through, but even if they hadn’t, I would have done it regardless.
Stick with your partner and show your appreciation of her. She is a positive factor in your life.
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That'sGreat
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(Original post by royal1990)
Basically, I graduated a few years ago, my Mother was never really keen on me going to uni. I was the first to go, and she never went so she had this negative view on it. She also never thought I was capable enough.

Eventually she came around to it. Upon my graduation ceremony she sort of stood about awkwardly, and looked disinterested with what was going on.

Nowadays, I live away from home, with my partner and whenever I go to stay with mum she always brings up other people and their achievements. "You remember so and so, she is now working in xyz earning good money/has good job".

I feel like she's trying to rub it in that I've been applying for graduate jobs for a long time, and work in unskilled work.

It's almost like she's saying "told you so, you shouldn't have gone".

Anybody else's parents like this?
What degree did you do? What university? Where are you working now? If you aren't in a job that requires a degree, your mother may be right.
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royal1990
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(Original post by That'sGreat)
What degree did you do? What university? Where are you working now? If you aren't in a job that requires a degree, your mother may be right.
I studied Digital Media (which was basically web design, digital & graphic design). My long term aims from the beginning were to go into graphic design. I didn't initially get the grades to go and study psychology (back in the day at 6th form, so I guess it was next best thing).

Studied at Hull, graduated with a 2:1. Applied mainly for roles in Digital/Tech. But also for a time, administration and literally anything.

I've studied for a masters in app development via distance learning but put it on hold because I couldn't handle the stress of full time work and postgraduate study after working long shifts til late. Also, my heart wasn't in it.

I have now decided I want to go into mental health as a social worker. Can't get the funding to do this, so looking at the charity sector at health/social care alternative roles.

I work at McDonalds (but not because I want too) - it pays my bills and rent but beyond that it's tedious, stressful and irelevant for my future. Been there nearly 3 yrs, got promoted not long ago. I took promotion purely because of the experiences and not the pay.

I was hoping to be out of that job by summer 2019 but got rejected from a grad scheme in social work. My plan is to do some volunteering in the new year and hope this leads to something worthwhile.
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royal1990
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(Original post by Seamus123)
Stay away from people you feel exacerbate your mental and physical wellbeing.
Take it easy over Christmas. I’m not a fan of Christmas but I made the effort when my 7 were little. My children know this and appreciate this.
Are you getting help with your debts?
So what if you aren’t buying your own house - I’m 70 and live in social housing. If people have an issue with that, it’s their issue.
Having kids can wait until you are ready and you sort out your own problems and don’t let anyone pressure you. There is nothing worse for a child than having a parent who is stressed out all of the time.
What help are you getting for your mental health? That should be your first priority as your physical and mental health are intertwined. As one improves, so will the other.
I’m sorry your mum behaves this way. I graduated this year and my children supported me all the way through, but even if they hadn’t, I would have done it regardless.
Stick with your partner and show your appreciation of her. She is a positive factor in your life.
Not getting any official help. I contacted debt charities via email and have things sent to me but haven't got help in place. Between me and my partner we balance everything but it does stress me out.

As regards my mental health I have anti depressants which I'm quite lousy with taking. Not because they don't work but more because I think they don't help my finance situation so it'd hard to get away from these problems. It's hard to stay motivated. To look for meaningful work and fight inner demons.

I am starting some volunteering myself as a support worker in the new year, so looking forward to this.

Me and my partner will try and make the most of our Christmas together.

I guess I'm also a bit stressed out about a career and building one. It's very difficult this day and age to find work that pays more than peanuts, or to get on the property ladder.
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Claire461
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(Original post by royal1990)
Not getting any official help. I contacted debt charities via email and have things sent to me but haven't got help in place. Between me and my partner we balance everything but it does stress me out.

As regards my mental health I have anti depressants which I'm quite lousy with taking. Not because they don't work but more because I think they don't help my finance situation so it'd hard to get away from these problems. It's hard to stay motivated. To look for meaningful work and fight inner demons.

I am starting some volunteering myself as a support worker in the new year, so looking forward to this.

Me and my partner will try and make the most of our Christmas together.

I guess I'm also a bit stressed out about a career and building one. It's very difficult this day and age to find work that pays more than peanuts, or to get on the property ladder.
You are worrying about a lot of things all at once and you are struggling to see a way out.
The volunteering sounds very positive and will look good on a CV and may open doors for future employment.
Try and take each day at a time.
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Discrepancy
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You just have to prove her wrong.
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muthalganesan18
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(Original post by Seamus123)
There is just no pleasing some parents. Much of the time, parents can be either very proud of their children going to university and achieving well, or at the other end of the spectrum, parent like yours who behaves badly.
Some of my 7 children went to university, and some didn’t. That was their choice. I encouraged them whatever their choices.
Just take what she says with a pinch of salt, but I couldn’t be doing with that, so I’d scale back on the visits. Either that, or tell her to put a sock in it.
You have how many children? You can't be British with that many!
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username3774332
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whenever you go to visit her; wear your hater-blocking shades.
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Claire461
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(Original post by TheAlchemistress)
You just have to prove her wrong.
Some parents never get it though. It’s very sad.
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Discrepancy
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(Original post by Seamus123)
Some parents never get it though. It’s very sad.
I know right.
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Claire461
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(Original post by TheAlchemistress)
I know right.
I don’t really get it because I grew up in care with no parents. I didn’t always agree with my kids’ choices, but always thought it best to let them make their own mistakes and see them through it.
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Discrepancy
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(Original post by Seamus123)
I don’t really get it because I grew up in care with no parents. I didn’t always agree with my kids’ choices, but always thought it best to let them make their own mistakes and see them through it.
I agree, not being happy or letting them do stuff, only makes them feel resentful.
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Claire461
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(Original post by I'mComingOxford)
whenever you go to visit her; wear your hater-blocking shades.
Wish I’d had some of those when I had to visit my ex mother-in-law. What a witch!
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username3774332
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(Original post by Seamus123)
Wish I’d had some of those when I had to visit my ex mother-in-law. What a witch!
danng! i need some whenever my aunt comes over. the toxicity of her and her song will soon pass over my head and through the window :rofl:
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ihatespongebob
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(Original post by royal1990)
Not getting any official help. I contacted debt charities via email and have things sent to me but haven't got help in place. Between me and my partner we balance everything but it does stress me out.

As regards my mental health I have anti depressants which I'm quite lousy with taking. Not because they don't work but more because I think they don't help my finance situation so it'd hard to get away from these problems. It's hard to stay motivated. To look for meaningful work and fight inner demons.

I am starting some volunteering myself as a support worker in the new year, so looking forward to this.

Me and my partner will try and make the most of our Christmas together.

I guess I'm also a bit stressed out about a career and building one. It's very difficult this day and age to find work that pays more than peanuts, or to get on the property ladder.
Hi, it's great that you want to go into social work! There is a shortage of social workers and there are so many people in need of them. Social work graduate schemes are not a good way of getting into social work, as they tend to skip over some important content and theories that are covered on a masters in social work.

If you want to get into social work, you should do a lot of volunteering that involves working with vulnerable people. This could be homeless shelters, charities like alzheimer's society and dementia UK.
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(Original post by royal1990)
Basically, I graduated a few years ago, my Mother was never really keen on me going to uni. I was the first to go, and she never went so she had this negative view on it. She also never thought I was capable enough.

Eventually she came around to it. Upon my graduation ceremony she sort of stood about awkwardly, and looked disinterested with what was going on.

Nowadays, I live away from home, with my partner and whenever I go to stay with mum she always brings up other people and their achievements. "You remember so and so, she is now working in xyz earning good money/has good job".

I feel like she's trying to rub it in that I've been applying for graduate jobs for a long time, and work in unskilled work.

It's almost like she's saying "told you so, you shouldn't have gone".

Anybody else's parents like this?
My mum is kind of like this, she never thought I was good enough for university and when I got in, she wasn't really happy. A year ago she even tried talking me into withdrawing from uni to get a job because it would be easier than the stress of uni but really she just wanted rent money from me which was stupid because I already was giving her rent from my student loan. Anyway I ignored her requests and am still at uni. Now she doesn't say anything to me. Just ignore your Mum or visit her less often, it's your life not hers and don't think about what others your age are doing. Everyone's life is different, we all do things at our own pace, there is no race or right age to do something. Just do what will make you happy at your own pace, you have a supportive partner and know what you want to do which is what matters. What your mum thinks is irrelevant.
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royal1990
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(Original post by ihatespongebob)
Hi, it's great that you want to go into social work! There is a shortage of social workers and there are so many people in need of them. Social work graduate schemes are not a good way of getting into social work, as they tend to skip over some important content and theories that are covered on a masters in social work.

If you want to get into social work, you should do a lot of volunteering that involves working with vulnerable people. This could be homeless shelters, charities like alzheimer's society and dementia UK.
Only problem is I can't get funding for doing another degree. As far as I'm aware you need the degree for it.
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