My decisions are no longer my own Watch

codelyoko373
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Awhile back I discovered this youtuber (who I won’t name) who sort of became my idol, my senpai if ya will. I’m not really sure why I became so fond of him but he just seemed so cool to me and I slowly became heavily inspired by him. In a way.. I eventually became jealous of his life as I watched more and more videos about him. I could spend hours watching his videos from his music videos to vlogs, trying to learn everything I can about him. I became jealous of his life, who he was, his girlfriend, pretty much everything about him seemed perfect to me. I eventually even started to dress like him the best I could, even dyeing and styling my hair the same way as him because I generally thought it was cool.

This happened about over 3 months ago and I’m still pretty obsessed with him. The appearance change caused by him is the one thing I’ve considered good as it encouraged me to come out of my comfort zone and actually get a “style”. I never once cared about appearance until him, and while I did originally copy his style, I have slowly evolved it to become my own but it’s still pretty similar. (Despite having long hair all my life, I never actually discovered hair spray until him xD).
That sadly is the only good thing that came out of this obsession since the bad part has caused me nothing but trouble since all this started. As I mentioned I’m kinda obsessed with him and I would look up a LOT about his life and who he was as a person. Discovering all this sort of encouraged me to..act like him in ways that no one should. I basically wanted to actually become him and so eventually a lot of decisions in my life became based on either what I assume this guy would do or what I knew he’d do. If I tried to go against this then it’d seem wrong to me and I’d feel horrible about it. If he used an electric toothbrush, then I felt like I should use an electric toothbrush, If his personality wasn’t as serious and more light-hearted then mine then I’m determined to change my own personality to be similar, If he walked left foot first then I’d make sure I walk left foot first.

As you can tell… this isn’t a good mentality to have at all and don’t get me wrong, I know that! But I sadly can’t help it. There is this constant thought in the back of my mind telling me anything I do that he wouldn’t do is wrong. It’s starting to affect me badly where again.. my decisions are no longer my own and I’m slowly just becoming him instead of being me.
I should mention again that if I don’t know what he’d do then I’ll always assume it’s the opposite of what I’d normally do, and this can be for ANYTHING from daily life to even anything sexual… yea it’s bad.
It’s effecting me the most as of recently as I’ve started to really get into this girl but all my decisions are based on what I think this guy would do in my situation. Despite me and this girl adoring each other and we both know we want to be together, I’m waiting because I know his guy waited awhile for him to get into his own relationship, so I feel like I MUST wait to get into a relationship with my girl DESPITE us knowing that we likely will go out. His relationship was even long distance so it makes sense why he waited so long but some reason that doesn’t matter to me. As well because he didn’t fall for his current girlfriend as quickly as I feel for my girl, I feel like the fact I’ve feel for this girl so quickly is wrong, which is really effecting my own feelings for this girl since I have this constant thought in the back of my mind telling me I shouldn’t date her due to this feeling of doing wrong. I think I’ve even started to slowly become jealous of his girlfriend, and started comparing her to my girl… which isn’t at all good.

I just don’t know what to do. I’ve slowly gotten better over time and I never paid much attention to it until my crush on this girl; with it effecting my feeling for her. The only option I can see is ignoring it but that means I have to go through this sort of depression that I get after feeling like I’ve done wrong as it’s not what this guy would do.
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Mohammed.Al-H
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Sounds quite unhealthy. The only thing I can suggest it just to not watch his videos but I’m guessing that would be pretty difficult, so maybe just spend more time with this girl, so more things that will keep you busy and off YouTube. Try your hardest to not watch his videos. Hopefully you will slowly lose this “obsession”(?) look into other styles that suit you and that you like, try adopting your OWN style, it’s completely normal for anyone to look at a celebrity or anyone else for inspiration though. Say if you liked a shirt in a shop, would you avoid buying it because this YouTuber wouldn’t wear it? If yes, you just need to tell yourself that this guy doesn’t even know you exist, again, probably easier said than done but it’s worth a try. The fact that you understand this is ‘unhealthy’ is a step in the right direction I think
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codelyoko373
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(Original post by Mohammed.Al-H)
Sounds quite unhealthy. The only thing I can suggest it just to not watch his videos but I’m guessing that would be pretty difficult, so maybe just spend more time with this girl, so more things that will keep you busy and off YouTube. Try your hardest to not watch his videos. Hopefully you will slowly lose this “obsession”(?) look into other styles that suit you and that you like, try adopting your OWN style, it’s completely normal for anyone to look at a celebrity or anyone else for inspiration though. Say if you liked a shirt in a shop, would you avoid buying it because this YouTuber wouldn’t wear it? If yes, you just need to tell yourself that this guy doesn’t even know you exist, again, probably easier said than done but it’s worth a try. The fact that you understand this is ‘unhealthy’ is a step in the right direction I think
The thing is he does know I exist as we've spoke to each other before so xD

But I don't think I could really stop watching him. I generally enjoy his stuff but yea.. likely trying to forget about him would help. I think at this point my best option is a Therapist
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nabilahhh
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You’ll get over him very soon dw loool
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