made a mistake and now going down the rabbit hole (for guys) Watch

gr8wizard10
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been in a relationship for the better part of a year, within that time made a huge mistake of seeing an ex for casual sex when testosterene kicks, and just out flat lying to my gf saying i wasn't seeing anyone. said ex tells my partner and as can probably guess - things just end between us.

in honesty i've done similar things in the past.. (cheating) and emotions were faked emotions for mainly manipulative purposes so when being outsted came, i never really cared. the *****y part is, i kept saying i'll stop this time.. knowing that i actually love my gf - and managed to even screw up listening to myself.

i have no defence for my actions, and would do anything to turn back time. it's pathetic what i did and not excusable - and definitely learned from it.

was planning LT to marry this girl. i guess i knew the risk, but had a continuation of previous habits. maybe deep down i know i should just leave this girl to live her life - but at the same time i'm almost at a loss without her & once again directionless.

guess 3 questions:
- am i broken, is this feeling to cheat normal amongst most men?
- how do i fight back for her? (really and truly it's probably a lost cause - but if i don't atleast try, it'll be the biggest regret of my life)

also i already know what i did is vile - feel free to put me down more, but it is duly noted.

TL;DR: screwed up my relationship via senseless and uneeded cheating & lying about that. *questions above*

edit: i understand my primary fault is a sense of discipline in my personal life - and currently taking active steps to try resolve that and form a moral structure.
Last edited by gr8wizard10; 3 weeks ago
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shameful_burrito
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You couldn't have just settled with rubbing one out to xvideos when getting horny and the gf wasn't around? You dun goofed OP
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gr8wizard10
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(Original post by shameful_burrito)
You couldn't have just settled with rubbing one out to xvideos when getting horny and the gf wasn't around? You dun goofed OP
i'm very much with you on that. i carelessly took it out of bounds. selfish af and i hate myself for it.
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Anonymous #1
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1) for you to be in ANY relationship, you need to sort yourself out. Sex isnt the everything of life so its about time you grew the **** up and got some standards for yourself. 2) You are not getting her back. You blatantly went out your way to lie to her so you could have your cake and the last girl you ****ed up. You cannot have both without it all going to ****. You can own up to your own actions here but only YOU can control YOU, and if you can't do that then save yourself some time and not get into any relationships. If you only want sex, be clear with these woman and do not lead them on into thinking that you will change for them because obviously from about you may not unless you, as ive said, take action to break the on going cycle of *****y behavoir you are in. Ask yourself, why you do it?? i mean REALLY? like not some **** excuse of testosterone or that. but REALLY, what gives you the right to go ****ing up these other peoples lives just so you could double or triple dip your **** behind their backs? 3) Take time to be single, don't get into any relationships. The best way to learn about yourself is to be alone, explore yourself without anyone because if you are using people as comfort blankets to distract from your insecurities or inadequcies then you will only destroy yourself further. 4) Stay away from all your ex's. ex's are ex's for a reason or MANY in some cases.
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shameful_burrito
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(Original post by gr8wizard10)
i'm very much with you on that. i carelessly took it out of bounds. selfish af and i hate myself for it.
What's done is done now brah. Can't change the past. It's what you do in the future that makes the difference. You can apologise to this girl, tell her you won't do it again, but if she is not willing to take you back you can't blame her and you have to move on with your life. If she does forgive you, then you also have to stop cheating on her, that's a given.
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hello_shawn
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Unfortunately as is life now, it's not enough for a man to show remorse. Women can now plunder the men that wronged them, through countless lawsuits. OP better be ready to squander all that investment banking money on lawyers
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gr8wizard10
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(Original post by shameful_burrito)
What's done is done now brah. Can't change the past. It's what you do in the future that makes the difference. You can apologise to this girl, tell her you won't do it again, but if she is not willing to take you back you can't blame her and you have to move on with your life. If she does forgive you, then you also have to stop cheating on her, that's a given.
i think that's the conclusion i've come to really. life has always been like a chess game to me - logical steps to ensure i cap my downside, whilst keeping upside virtually unlimited. mix emotion and love into and that goes out the window - the downside becomes unlimited - and your upside is the output.

(Original post by hello_shawn)
Unfortunately as is life now, it's not enough for a man to show remorse. Women can now plunder the men that wronged them, through countless lawsuits. OP better be ready to squander all that investment banking money on lawyers
you could've gave it 2 more years, and this would've been the result. not a banker anymore - turned to main street.
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Dunnig Kruger
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It's the short term gain over long term pain thing.

Some people are just wired that way in their brains. It's the instant gratification thing. This tends to lead to addictive personalities.
What you have displayed is a form of gambling addiction.
You gambled your long term relationship and possible marriage for the instant gratification of the extra curricula sex.

There's a chance you may never change and will always be a serial cheater.
Or there's a chance the logical half of your brain will over-rule the emotional half.
Or that you will see-saw between the 2 over the years.

Only time will tell how things will work out for you as none of us can predict the future. And good intentions are one thing, seeing them through is another.
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gr8wizard10
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(Original post by Dunnig Kruger)
It's the short term gain over long term pain thing.

Some people are just wired that way in their brains. It's the instant gratification thing. This tends to lead to addictive personalities.
What you have displayed is a form of gambling addiction.
You gambled your long term relationship and possible marriage for the instant gratification of the extra curricula sex.

There's a chance you may never change and will always be a serial cheater.
Or there's a chance the logical half of your brain will over-rule the emotional half.
Or that you will see-saw between the 2 over the years.

Only time will tell how things will work out for you as none of us can predict the future. And good intentions are one thing, seeing them through is another.
what influences those chances? i mean if i can't get this girl back - atleast i can develop the necessary behaviours
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Dunnig Kruger
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(Original post by gr8wizard10)
what influences those chances?
You do.
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Anonymous #3
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Have been through a similar situation.
Took time but managed to gravel a relationship after a lot of work over some years after showing I had improved mentally + physically.
You need to improve yourself first. If you love someone truly then you wouldn’t cheat: in this case maybe she’s not the right girl or your priority is you and you don’t care about others a trait which needs to be developed or ultimately it could be she is and you do care but you’re thinking with your **** not your head nor your heart.

Get help, improve yourself, get the girl or get a new one + use this as a lesson
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ChickenMadness
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(Original post by gr8wizard10)

guess 3 questions:
- am i broken, is this feeling to cheat normal amongst most men?
- how do i fight back for her? (really and truly it's probably a lost cause - but if i don't atleast try, it'll be the biggest regret of my life)
So you want us to guess what the third question is? lol.

But ye I find the act of cheating repulsive personally so it's not a feeling I ever get. I never lie either.
(Which means i can be a **** sometimes when I say what I'm thinking lmao)

Don't know about the second question.
Last edited by ChickenMadness; 2 weeks ago
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gr8wizard10
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(Original post by Anonymous)
Have been through a similar situation.
Took time but managed to gravel a relationship after a lot of work over some years after showing I had improved mentally + physically.
You need to improve yourself first. If you love someone truly then you wouldn’t cheat: in this case maybe she’s not the right girl or your priority is you and you don’t care about others a trait which needs to be developed or ultimately it could be she is and you do care but you’re thinking with your **** not your head nor your heart.

Get help, improve yourself, get the girl or get a new one + use this as a lesson
how do you show your improvement when you're completely blocked off from contact? regardless these are the wrong questions, it's too far gone.. how do you deleverage emotions - and what's the typical timeline. i did what i did.. i'm ready to face the consequence of dismissal
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Toki the Dumdum
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If I was in your postion I would worry about getting back with the gf and then ending up cheating on her again. I'm not sure one can just switch off such destructive behaviour overnight, regardless of what is at stake. It takes lots of time to change your character in any significant way. How **** would you feel if you ended up hurting her in the same way in a years time? It might sound cliched but if you love her then maybe you would move on and try to fix yourself?
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Anonymous #4
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(Original post by ChickenMadness)
So you want us to guess what the third question is? lol.

But ye I find the act of cheating repulsive personally so it's not a feeling I ever get. I never lie either.
(Which means i can be a **** sometimes when I say what I'm thinking lmao)

Don't know about the second question.
i'm out of it. i only had two question. i officially lost the plot.
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Anonymous #2
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(Original post by gr8wizard10)
how do you show your improvement when you're completely blocked off from contact? regardless these are the wrong questions, it's too far gone.. how do you deleverage emotions - and what's the typical timeline. i did what i did.. i'm ready to face the consequence of dismissal
There’s no set time line or method of moving on from someone. Look to your friends for support, fill the time and habits with other activities. If you’ve said your apologies and the people involved have chosen to cut contact with you, respect that, whatever pain you’re in - the pain you’ve inflicted on them is much worse. Respect that.

Better yourself as a person before you move forward and bring anyone else into your life or you’ll repeat this cycle.
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Anonymous #3
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(Original post by gr8wizard10)
how do you show your improvement when you're completely blocked off from contact? regardless these are the wrong questions, it's too far gone.. how do you deleverage emotions - and what's the typical timeline. i did what i did.. i'm ready to face the consequence of dismissal
Improvement: - work on yourself + demonstrate loyalty + honesty in your life. Ask those closest to you how you could improve. Start a rule so that every time you lie you face a penalty/ tally the lies so you gradually reduce the score
- Make it a rule to consider what impact your actions have on others before making decisions

Deleverage emotion: just let it out man
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gr8wizard10
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(Original post by Anonymous)
There’s no set time line or method of moving on from someone. Look to your friends for support, fill the time and habits with other activities. If you’ve said your apologies and the people involved have chosen to cut contact with you, respect that, whatever pain you’re in - the pain you’ve inflicted on them is much worse. Respect that.

Better yourself as a person before you move forward and bring anyone else into your life or you’ll repeat this cycle.
(Original post by Anonymous)
Improvement: - work on yourself + demonstrate loyalty + honesty in your life. Ask those closest to you how you could improve. Start a rule so that every time you lie you face a penalty/ tally the lies so you gradually reduce the score
- Make it a rule to consider what impact your actions have on others before making decisions

Deleverage emotion: just let it out man
appreciate the non-judgemental attitudes here.. think i've just been punishing myself mentally, deservedly but you're right.. self improvement is what i need to get on with. i keep looking back to how i should've done things differently. i miss this girl so ridiculously.. was for sure this was it for me.

i started praying which helps a little i guess. feel i can release some emotion that way - and atleast whether or not in reality it's a thing... the belief that i can ask for forgiveness to a higher being even if she won't forgive me herself sorta helps i guess. retook up exercise and gym.. i think the pain and suffering of the whole exercising helps feel i'm balancing the books for the pain threshold on myself as sadistic as that sounds.

the thing is i still have her on whatsapp and sometimes i see they're online and then i panic idk and i switch it off. or i'll spend sometime crafting a message.. when i know i should just leave her. but then i don't have a right to block her if she ever wants to say anything.. i'm not sure what i'm doing right now. i try and fill my time but the minute my mind goes idle.. - reality is i done screwed up and she doesn't need me so yeah you guys are both right

i was thinking, i know her mum is super upset with me - i wrote her a letter. would it be worth trying to follow up and arrange a private meeting to apologise in person. i think out of maturity, i really wronged her daughter and she was super kind to me. this goes way beyond me - and i'm not looking to get any 'feel sorry for me' points.. i just want to do this appropriately and honest, open as possible. i already regret what i've done, but the last thing i want is to look back and regret that i didn't handle it in an appropriate way?
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Anonymous #4
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(Original post by Goz Unlimited)
If I was in your postion I would worry about getting back with the gf and then ending up cheating on her again. I'm not sure one can just switch off such destructive behaviour overnight, regardless of what is at stake. It takes lots of time to change your character in any significant way. How **** would you feel if you ended up hurting her in the same way in a years time? It might sound cliched but if you love her then maybe you would move on and try to fix yourself?
i think that's the realisation. i've learnt, i've learnt.. this is the only girl i actually ever cared for. even though i've been in other relationships so to speak.. they were very manipulative - so i don't think i could bare doing that to her or myself ever again. but yeah similar advice coming around... if i love her, i should let her move on. i guess its just something difficult to come to turns with given all that i had envisioned in life with this girl.
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Anonymous #2
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(Original post by gr8wizard10)
appreciate the non-judgemental attitudes here.. think i've just been punishing myself mentally, deservedly but you're right.. self improvement is what i need to get on with. i keep looking back to how i should've done things differently. i miss this girl so ridiculously.. was for sure this was it for me.

i started praying which helps a little i guess. feel i can release some emotion that way - and atleast whether or not in reality it's a thing... the belief that i can ask for forgiveness to a higher being even if she won't forgive me herself sorta helps i guess. retook up exercise and gym.. i think the pain and suffering of the whole exercising helps feel i'm balancing the books for the pain threshold on myself as sadistic as that sounds.

the thing is i still have her on whatsapp and sometimes i see they're online and then i panic idk and i switch it off. or i'll spend sometime crafting a message.. when i know i should just leave her. but then i don't have a right to block her if she ever wants to say anything.. i'm not sure what i'm doing right now. i try and fill my time but the minute my mind goes idle.. - reality is i done screwed up and she doesn't need me so yeah you guys are both right

i was thinking, i know her mum is super upset with me - i wrote her a letter. would it be worth trying to follow up and arrange a private meeting to apologise in person. i think out of maturity, i really wronged her daughter and she was super kind to me. this goes way beyond me - and i'm not looking to get any 'feel sorry for me' points.. i just want to do this appropriately and honest, open as possible. i already regret what i've done, but the last thing i want is to look back and regret that i didn't handle it in an appropriate way?
Maintain the self-improvement and don't make it a tmepass -commit to it fully and face your demons / issues.

You don't need to block her but it would be selfish of you to continually message. Having been cheated on myself in the past, it was very painful to have someone constantly pop-up and remind me of the event.If you care, you'd not cave to selfish impulses and give her the space she needs.

Re; her mum, that's a tricky situation. You've sent a letter and she could contact you herself if she wishes. I think you should stay far away as it is very obtrusive of you to go over her head to her family. You've apologized and you only want a reply to soothe your conscience - leave it alone
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