Mum wants to live with me at Uni Watch

Anonymous #1
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My dad lives overseas and me and my mum lives in the UK.
We currently rent our house.
I'm going to uni soon but it would be too expensive to carry on renting our current house.
Both my parents agree that they want my mum to live with me at uni, which means instead of of living in the halls, I am living externally.
The problem (aside from socially) is that since the standard of living and living costs is higher at the area of my uni, it is likely that we would be renting a single room together and my mum and I would be living in the same room. It will also still be more expensive than in uni accommodation, though they say that this is the cheaper option and is better since my mum can watch over me and make sure I am studying and not fooling around or getting married secretly, etc etc.

I'm not sure how to proceed tbh.
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Simbasoul
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Renting a single room where? I'm not sure students living in a shared house would want to share with you and your mum, either.... Difficult though as, if you cannot afford to live separately from your mum, I am not sure what other choices you have - it will mean that you do not get the full university experience though - can you not persuade your mum to go and live with family or with your dad - or have you been renting here so that you can be classed as a home student?
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Anonymous #1
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(Original post by Simbasoul)
Renting a single room where? I'm not sure students living in a shared house would want to share with you and your mum, either.... Difficult though as, if you cannot afford to live separately from your mum, I am not sure what other choices you have - it will mean that you do not get the full university experience though - can you not persuade your mum to go and live with family or with your dad - or have you been renting here so that you can be classed as a home student?
Renting within the city somewhere :/
Yes, living in the UK long enough to have home fees and I can get student loan, but accommodation is still not paid for and is expensive. My dad is worried about job stability.
An option is for my mum to live with my dad, but they are very unhappy about that idea, as they are worried I will not concentrate on my studies.
It's not even all about the full uni experience. I feel like I would have less time to study as I would have to take care of chores and stuff for 2 people.
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gjd800
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That sounds grim.
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Going Back
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Are you able to get a part time job while at uni, to help with the cost of a room for yourself?

While not the halls experience, some students live in a private room in a family house. This is often cheaper than halls, and no wild partying at home since it's another family's house which might reassure your parents, but would leave you free to have an independent life and hang out with other students.
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Anonymous #1
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(Original post by gjd800)
That sounds grim.
it is :'''''(
It's nothing against my parents either you know
It just sucks
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LeapingLucy
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(Original post by Anonymous)
it is :'''''(
It's nothing against my parents either you know
It just sucks
You're an adult. They can't force you to live with them.

Why not get a job over the summer and save up so that you can afford uni halls?
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Assembly
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(Original post by Anonymous)
Renting within the city somewhere :/
Yes, living in the UK long enough to have home fees and I can get student loan, but accommodation is still not paid for and is expensive. My dad is worried about job stability.
An option is for my mum to live with my dad, but they are very unhappy about that idea, as they are worried I will not concentrate on my studies.
It's not even all about the full uni experience. I feel like I would have less time to study as I would have to take care of chores and stuff for 2 people.
If the main reason behind living with your mum revolves around them worrying you will not concentrate on your studies, then as the great Dutch van der Linde once said, they 'need to have some goddamn faith'. How long would this continue, would your mum live with you when you get a good job to make sure you concenrtrate on your work? etc etc, you get the gist. But in all seriousness, a large part of the uni experienxe revolves around standing up on your own two feet and being an adult free from mum and dad hovering over you. They can't be there forever, asking you to do your homework etc when you're an adult, can you try to convince them of this?
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Bambae
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Firstly, no houseshare is going to want a university student and their Mum to move in and share the same room. It sounds uncomfortable for you and it would be uncomfortable for me as a housemate honestly.

Your parents are clearly reluctant to grant you any independence and I find that concerning. Whilst there are clearly cultural differences at play and I realize you will want to respect and maintain a good relationship with your parents, please remember that you are an adult, it's your life, and theoretically if you have home student funding including full maintenance loan and tuition fees, they can't actually stop you. I would try reasoning with them, particularly focusing on the negative impact this would have on your studies.

Essentially your options are:

a) live with your Mum in a single rented room at university
b) persuade them to let you live independently
c) leave anyway
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Anonymous #1
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(Original post by LeapingLucy)
You're an adult. They can't force you to live with them.

Why not get a job over the summer and save up so that you can afford uni halls?




I'm working full time in my gap year and can afford to pay the first 2 and a half years of accommodation fees...



Except my parents think I just want to leave them for good and I don't care about them and that I'm being selfish for wanting to spend this money on my own accommodation instead of contributing to our family's living costs...



They keep saying if I want to pay for my own accommodation, then they won't help me pay for the rest - which I will need in 3rd/4th year of uni as I will run out of money :/ Student loan doesn't cover accommodation.



(Original post by Assembly)
If the main reason behind living with your mum revolves around them worrying you will not concentrate on your studies, then as the great Dutch van der Linde once said, they 'need to have some goddamn faith'. How long would this continue, would your mum live with you when you get a good job to make sure you concenrtrate on your work? etc etc, you get the gist. But in all seriousness, a large part of the uni experienxe revolves around standing up on your own two feet and being an adult free from mum and dad hovering over you. They can't be there forever, asking you to do your homework etc when you're an adult, can you try to convince them of this?


I do try and have got good a levels already but they think it is acceptable for my mum to live with me and that I'm a terrible person for "discarding my parents" and I "clearly don't care about them"

(Original post by Bambae)
Firstly, no houseshare is going to want a university student and their Mum to move in and share the same room. It sounds uncomfortable for you and it would be uncomfortable for me as a housemate honestly.

Your parents are clearly reluctant to grant you any independence and I find that concerning. Whilst there are clearly cultural differences at play and I realize you will want to respect and maintain a good relationship with your parents, please remember that you are an adult, it's your life, and theoretically if you have home student funding including full maintenance loan and tuition fees, they can't actually stop you. I would try reasoning with them, particularly focusing on the negative impact this would have on your studies.

Essentially your options are:

a) live with your Mum in a single rented room at university
b) persuade them to let you live independently
c) leave anyway
I do want to maintain good relationships with my parents but even with a full time job this year I can't afford all 4 years of my accommodation on my own and living costs, which student loan does not cover T_T

I am in the midst of persuading them but idk how to do it and I want to do it in the most peaceful way possible
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Anonymous #1
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(Original post by Going Back)
Are you able to get a part time job while at uni, to help with the cost of a room for yourself?

While not the halls experience, some students live in a private room in a family house. This is often cheaper than halls, and no wild partying at home since it's another family's house which might reassure your parents, but would leave you free to have an independent life and hang out with other students.
At the uni i'm going to its unlikely I'll be able to get a part time job along with studying and it probably won't be enough to cover everything anyway
My dad also wants me to take care of my mum...
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Simbasoul
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Does your mum work? Is she ill? Why does she need taking care of? Either you are a student or you are her carer - to be fair, if you have already earned enough to pay the first 2.5 years accommodation, over the next 2.5 years, you should be able to save up enough to pay the last 6 months accommodation.

This doesn't sound like your mum is wanting to keep an eye on you - it sounds more like your dad is absolving responsibility for looking after your mum....
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Anonymous #1
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(Original post by Royal Oak)
Tell your parents that they chose to have you and as a consequence it was their responsibility to bring you up best they could, not something theyb id in return for a carer. You're an adult now and don't owe them anything.

You may also have to accept it won't be peaceful. What's the alternative? Live your life for them until they die?
Haha I do want to keep in contact with my parents, maintain good relations and help them whereever possible.



There hasn't been 2 weeks in my life where I've not been with my mum.



I just want to at least experience independence, even if it's just for a few years.



Yeah my mum knows a few people who have been living with their parents since forever and are not 60 with their 90 year old parents... and she thinks they set an amazing example

(Original post by Simbasoul)
Does your mum work? Is she ill? Why does she need taking care of? Either you are a student or you are her carer - to be fair, if you have already earned enough to pay the first 2.5 years accommodation, over the next 2.5 years, you should be able to save up enough to pay the last 6 months accommodation.

This doesn't sound like your mum is wanting to keep an eye on you - it sounds more like your dad is absolving responsibility for looking after your mum....
Ah my course is 4 years :///
And how can I save if i'm not earning? I won't have any other sources of income...
My mum isn't in terribly good health and no she doesn't work, so honestly gets quite lonely I think by herself, since she's mostly at home all of the time.
But my mum defo keeps an eye on me and it is good but counterproductive sometimes
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Bambae
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From what you've told us here, I would focus on persuading them that you don't want to go out partying, fool around or get secretly married. You only want to focus on your studies, and then explain how they would be negatively impacted in that living situation. Essentially, assuage their concerns, then promote the positives.

Also, you do realize you can take out a maintenance loan if you have status as a home student, which you said you do. This is for up to £8,700 a year, or £11,000 in London and is explicitly for living expenses, i.e rent and food. With that money, plus your savings, plus a part job, you should be able to survive.


Please do correct me if I'm mistaken, but I'm fairly sure that whatever your nationality, if you've lived in the UK for 3+ years and have settled immigration status, you are a home student, and get the same financial support as UK/EU students.
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Simbasoul
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You can work part time in the holidays - or part time alongside your degree - lots of students do this. What degree are you hoping to read? And, unless your family income is very high, you shouold be able to apply for a full maintenance loan to cover accommodation (or the most part of it, which with your savings should mean you are well sorted.)

If your mum is genuinely unwell and cannot work, then you could look and see if you are entitled to any sort of carer's allowance - if it is just that she chooses not to work because culturally she is used to being at home, then you certainly wouldn't be. It sounds more like she is scared about being left on her own and, I'm sorry, but that is your dad's responsibility not yours - you cannot live in a single room with someone and be studying if they are trying to watch tv etc around you. The flip side is, if she is not doing anything all day then at least she can do all the chores and cook/clean etc - but it does sound a bit strange and I think you would find uni quite lonely as you would not have the other part of uni life.
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bones-mccoy
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(Original post by Anonymous)
At the uni i'm going to its unlikely I'll be able to get a part time job along with studying and it probably won't be enough to cover everything anyway
My dad also wants me to take care of my mum...
What makes you think you won't get a job?
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Anonymous #1
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(Original post by Bambae)
From what you've told us here, I would focus on persuading them that you don't want to go out partying, fool around or get secretly married. You only want to focus on your studies, and then explain how they would be negatively impacted in that living situation. Essentially, assuage their concerns, then promote the positives.

Also, you do realize you can take out a maintenance loan if you have status as a home student, which you said you do. This is for up to £8,700 a year, or £11,000 in London and is explicitly for living expenses, i.e rent and food. With that money, plus your savings, plus a part job, you should be able to survive.


Please do correct me if I'm mistaken, but I'm fairly sure that whatever your nationality, if you've lived in the UK for 3+ years and have settled immigration status, you are a home student, and get the same financial support as UK/EU students.
Yes I'm a home student.
And thanks, I will try to to that! Dunno how it will pan out. My mum trusts me but somehow my dad worries more.
Ah I looked at the maintenance loan. Do you think it's possible to use pare for the maintenance loan for accommodation?


(Original post by Royal Oak)
It's old good if that's what all the parties involved wanted. Some people genuinely are happy to spend their lives with their parents/siblings and kudos to them for doing what makes them happy. But if it's a situation based on one person being forced to settle or who has been manipulated, then yeah, it's not good at all.
Yeah I wouldn't go as far to say manipulation, but I do really want to experience being by myself, and I'm totally fine with going back to live with my parents after uni.
(Original post by Simbasoul)
You can work part time in the holidays - or part time alongside your degree - lots of students do this. What degree are you hoping to read? And, unless your family income is very high, you shouold be able to apply for a full maintenance loan to cover accommodation (or the most part of it, which with your savings should mean you are well sorted.)

If your mum is genuinely unwell and cannot work, then you could look and see if you are entitled to any sort of carer's allowance - if it is just that she chooses not to work because culturally she is used to being at home, then you certainly wouldn't be. It sounds more like she is scared about being left on her own and, I'm sorry, but that is your dad's responsibility not yours - you cannot live in a single room with someone and be studying if they are trying to watch tv etc around you. The flip side is, if she is not doing anything all day then at least she can do all the chores and cook/clean etc - but it does sound a bit strange and I think you would find uni quite lonely as you would not have the other part of uni life.
Engineering. We happen to have a high enough family income such that we miss out on all the bursaries, but low enough that we barely get by, especially if I go to uni and we are in different countries. I would work part time, but I feel that would be detrimental to my studies and the uni I may be going to (there are 2) doesn't allow part time jobs... though I was thinking of selling paintings as an option.

My mum isn't that unwell, but isn't totally heathly either. Ah well I do most of the chores/cleaning, she does the cooking. So that takes up quite some time as well, as I am doing chores for 2 people.
Uni will defo be quite lonely - I'm restricted in what I can go out to do without my mum's permission. So I'd just be at home all day if I'm not attending lectures.
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Anonymous #1
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(Original post by bones-mccoy)
What makes you think you won't get a job?
The uni I'm going todoesn't allow it.
And I expect the uni workload to be high, so it would be unwise.
And it won't cover much of my expensive accommodation fees anyway if I'm only working part-time for tiny bit each week.
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bones-mccoy
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(Original post by Anonymous)
The uni I'm going todoesn't allow it.
And I expect the uni workload to be high, so it would be unwise.
And it won't cover much of my expensive accommodation fees anyway if I'm only working part-time for tiny bit each week.
Which uni doesn't allow students to work alongside study???!

Plenty of people balance uni work, a job and a social life. It is possible. You can always apply and leave if the workload is too much or ask to cut your hours down.
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Claire461
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(Original post by Anonymous)
Haha I do want to keep in contact with my parents, maintain good relations and help them whereever possible.



There hasn't been 2 weeks in my life where I've not been with my mum.



I just want to at least experience independence, even if it's just for a few years.



Yeah my mum knows a few people who have been living with their parents since forever and are not 60 with their 90 year old parents... and she thinks they set an amazing example


Ah my course is 4 years :///
And how can I save if i'm not earning? I won't have any other sources of income...
My mum isn't in terribly good health and no she doesn't work, so honestly gets quite lonely I think by herself, since she's mostly at home all of the time.
But my mum defo keeps an eye on me and it is good but counterproductive sometimes
Crazy. I’m 70 and just graduated. I wouldn’t dream of having one of my kids living with me at uni or at any other time in my life unless I was ready to go in my box. I don’t owe my children and they don’t owe me.
Your mum may not be able to work, but that’s not a reason to be lonely.
However, you have good relations with your Mum, so you need to find a balance between you having a life and progressing in life and your Mum letting go. You don’t want to, in a few years down the line, resent her.
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