Manipulative to my boyfriend

Hi all,

I have found that I am becoming more clingy and crazier, or at least, I think I am. My boyfriend has said that I am clingy but that he likes it, but I feel like I am being crazy now.

We went through a bit of hell for a while. He was unfaithful to me in the past and I have forgiven him but I can't seem to forget this. The feeling of not being good enough sticks with me a lot too.

I know this isn't good, but whenever his phone is close by and he isn't there, I look through his phone. Seeing if he is talking to other girls.

I know this isn't healthy, and I don't know how to stop.

Also, I feel like. Subconsciously, I am overthinking things and making him upset. I realised this in myself recently. I think about his cheating a lot, and in the shower recently I was thinking about it again. And how I can approach him to talk about it again, and what I will say, and how I will say it. It was then I realised that I was been quite calculating, and I would even say, manipulative.

I was thinking about how to start the conversation, what to say, what not to say.

I'm saying this because I want to change. No one deserves a partner like that and I want to stay with this man for a long time.

Also. I want to really get this insecurity off my chest and love myself more.

I don't want to feel like I want to control everything. I want to care for others, without feeling like I want to take care of things.

Any help?

Reply 1

HobbinsE

Original post by Anonymous

If he cheated why did you stay? And if it’s making you like this why stay? You obviously don’t fully trust him which is fair as he cheated. Relationships should be built on trust and if you can’t trust him you shouldn’t be with him. Also no relationship should make you feel so insecure.

Reply 2

Bio 7

Not really your fault, he ruined your relationship. You should have left him.

Reply 3

UWS

He's cheating and you're being manipulative, this doesn't sound like a healthy relationship at all.

There's nothing that will make you be less insecure when you're with a cheater, except to ditch them.

Reply 4

Student 4545

If you want to be with him you just have to bring it up with him, if he wants to be with you he will want to make you happy.
Its normal to be a bit paranoid after he's cheated, but if it's playing on your mind still then you have to straighten it out with him sooner rather than later, as other issues will grow from it. Sit down with him and tell him exactly what you're thinking, you need to be honest with each other

Reply 5

TommyDH

Sounds like an unhealthy relationship to me.

Also, once a cheater always a cheater. The relationship was ruined the moment he did that. Relationships are built on a foundation of respect, love and trust. If someone is cheating then the foundation just isn't there, the wobbly unstable relationship is being held up completely by air. I'm not good with analogies, deal with it.

Point is, you need to have a good long talk with him, and you two really need to figure out and decide whether you want to be in this relationship or not. If so, he needs to figure out a way to prove you can trust him, and you need to figure out a way of how to learn to trust again and you both need to figure out together how to communicate.

Reply 6

Tootles

Original post by Anonymous

Talk to him. Tell him how you feel. Tell him you know it's you, and you want to get over it. Go to a doctor, explain to them too. You might benefit from CBT.

Reply 7

Anonymous #2

I’d break up with him

Reply 8

Anonymous #1

Hi all,

I don't believe that once a cheater, always a cheater. I think people can change. We all change a lot throughout our lives.

We do talk about this a lot and he wants to be with me. I love him a lot and don't want to lose him.

I want to be less obsessive and trust him more, but I'm not sure how to go about that.

Reply 9

Anonymous #3

The only way I can see to get past it, is just be honest with each other - its cliche, but he probably doesn't know that you're feeling this way and probably won't see that what you're thinking is being 'crazy'

I believe people can change too, you need to give him a chance to prove himself that he won't cheat again - not sure how though...

It takes time to become trusting again, but honestly talking everything through with him will probably settle your mind. I've been though similar in my relationship, i still now get paranoid sometimes but I have to trust his word and i let him know how I'm feeling, it makes me feel a lot better anyway

If he wants to be with you, he won't mind comforting you when you're finding it difficult or chatting everything through, overthinking things is probably the worst way to handle it, as you're just working yourself up

Also maybe throw yourself into other activities, dwelling on this all the time will always keep it at the front of your mind, occupying yourself and doing things together or with friends will make you realise how happy you are. Obviously something needs to change, change your aspect on it and it may settle you more

Reply 10

jayarna

I'm sorry but there's literally only one way to solve this, and you are choosing not to listen to people that are speaking sense to you. The only way to stop this is to break up with him. Your first mistake was staying after he cheated - like everyone else said, he ruined the relationship with that. It's as good as over already, and he WILL do it again, especially since you took him back, you've just taught him that it's okay to cheat.
I think everyone's been in this situation but I do need you to know that you're NOT being manipulative by being cautious - he cheated on you. You have every right to be suspicious, that being said, you're blocking your own happiness and you'll most likely be like this for the rest of the relationship
Tbh even if you don't break up with him now, your relationship IS going to fail eventually anyways if it's like this. Most people in your situation don't listen to anyone else telling them the right thing to do anyways, so you will most likely waste a good few years of your life with your idiot, then realise everyone was right yada yada. However this turns out, I wish you the best

Reply 11

Xarao

Original post by jayarna

I'm sorry but maybe use the amount of brain cells you have left and think if a reply is necessary after 5 months.

Thanks in advance and I wish you the best in your journey to finding more cells.

Reply 12

jayarna

Yeah, if you had 2 brain cells you'd be able to tell that a lot of toxic relationships last longer than 5 months. I also wish you the best in your journey to finding brain cells.

Original post by Xarao

I'm sorry but maybe use the amount of brain cells you have left and think if a reply is necessary after 5 months.

Thanks in advance and I wish you the best in your journey to finding more cells.