Can someone please mark my LNAT essay please? :) Watch

Potentiallawgirl
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Hello, I just want some feedback on this essay and what I should do to improve. I did it timed, I know my conclusion is quite weak and I have made a few spelling mistakes. Any help is appreciated, thank you!

Is the Burkha in the West as offensive as the Bikini in Arab countries?

The Burkha is a piece of religious clothing worn by Muslim women, predominantly in Arab countries which represents values of modesty and the idea that a women's full beauty should belong to her husband only. On the other hand, the bikini is a piece of fashion swimwear worn mainly in the west and in western influenced countries which have been seen as both a symbol of sexuality and of female liberation and their freedom to express themselves and show their bodies. These two items of clothing juxtapose and each can be seen as an assault on the values of the opposing culture, however in my view I dont think it can be said that the Burka is seen in such a harsh view in the west as the bikini is in Arab states and in this analysis I will attempt to demonstrate why.

Firstly it is important to establish the premise of why each clothing is seen as offensive in either country. The Burkha has been seen in western eyes as a method of supressing females and upholding a patriarchal society. The west has made great strides towards gender equality which was kickstarted by giving women the right to vote and has been seen in recent years in attempts to close the gender wage gap (which is a contraversial issue on its own), put women in more positions of power and increase female education both globally and nationally in different sectors like encouraging girls to enter STEM subjects. The Burkha is seen by the west as a way of both masking the individuality of the female and implying that females exuding any sexuality in a public sphere is something that should be frowned upon. This is going against the movements of feminism to allow women to express themselves how they want and is argued to be used as a mechanism to keep women subservient to their husband. Many in the West believe the Burkha is forced upon women so further denying their freedom of choice and expression. These points all demonstrate how the Burkha appears to go ,not just against the movement of feminism, but against the liberal roots of our political system itself so is seen as highly offensive in the West.

The bikini is seen as offensive in Arab states for various reasons. Like how the Burkha goes against the idea of freedom of the individual (in western eyes), the bikini could be said to be going against family and religious values. Disrupting these values disrupt the communities which many Arab lives are centred around. The bikini on women opens them up to the lustful stares of men other then the womens husband. This encourages a culture of promiscuity which can break up families and goes against the teachings in the Islamic religion that the womens sxuality should be preserved for her husband only. The bikini could further be seen as a symbol of female liberation as they are making the choice to display their bodies so could disrupt the power balance seen between males and females in Arab states, changing the base of their communities as a whole which could lead them to collapse. Community is held in high esteem in these countries and the risk of their collapse as well as the insult to their religious teachings makes the bikini a highly offensive item of clothing in these countries. Both the Burkha and the bikini represent something larger then themselves which is going against values of a culture so could be argued to be equally offensive.

Despite all this the Burkha is not as offensive in the west and it comes down to the following reason; the liberal value of tolerance. One of the cornerstones of the ideology of liberalism is that each individual is unique and should be free to express themselves. This naturally leads liberals to favour diversity in a society and for aforementioned society to function there must be a culture of tolerance and acceptance of different beliefs and religions. As the philosopher voltaire once said “I detest what you say but I will defend to the death your right to say it”; although a western liberal may disagree with the belief system which is behind the existence of the Burkha they accept that individuals are free to believe what they choose and practice these beliefs as long as it is not harming others. This is clear now in liberal societies as multiculturalism has grown and has been accepted as a new type of society where many different beliefs can coexist with each other.

The recent rise of terror attacks has led to a right wing movement which has been anti immigration and highly anti Islamic. This is seen in various ways such as Trumps ‘Muslim ban’ and the ‘Burkha ban’ in France. This could lead some to believe that the principle of multicultralism is eroding. But also on the rise and ,increasingly so due to technology and transport links, is globalisation. This is not going to stop anytime soon and as cultures become more interlinked different values will become more accepted if not integrated. Arab states are less prone to masses of immigration then the west due to less job opportunities so this acceptance of opposing values is seen more here. This means that islam and its values are becoming more commonplace and therefore more accepted here.

Overall although the roots of both the Burkha and the bikini show a strong antethesis to each other, the west is much more likely to find the Burkha as less offensive due to their ideas of tolerance and multricultralism and the mass immigration which has made the Burkha more commonplace so forced acceptance.
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JohanGRK
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I remember doing this question as practice!!!!

I'll do a review tonight
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Potentiallawgirl
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(Original post by JohanGRK)
I remember doing this question as practice!!!!

I'll do a review tonight
ah thank you so much! Dont roast me too hard (unless I deserve it lol)
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anonymous1231231
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you're 200 words above the limit
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Potentiallawgirl
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(Original post by anonymous1231231)
you're 200 words above the limit
oops I completely forgot about the limit thanks for letting me know!
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JohanGRK
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(Original post by Potentiallawgirl)
Hello, I just want some feedback on this essay and what I should do to improve. I did it timed, I know my conclusion is quite weak and I have made a few spelling mistakes. Any help is appreciated, thank you!

Is the Burkha in the West as offensive as the Bikini in Arab countries?

The Burkha is a piece of religious clothing worn by Muslim women, predominantly in Arab countries which represents values of modesty and the idea that a women's full beauty should belong to her husband only [You know what, I like this definition, but it may not be strictly necessary if you have a restrictive word count]. On the other hand, the bikini is a piece of fashion swimwear worn mainly in the west and in western influenced countries which has been seen as both a symbol of sexuality and of female liberation and their freedom to express themselves and show their bodies. These two items of clothing juxtapose and each can be seen as an assault on the values of the opposing culture [It's great that you've understood the idea of the question, but this sentence could be a perfectly good intro by itself! We know what burkas and bikinis are, get to the point!], however in my view I dont think it can be said that the Burka is seen in such a harsh view in the west as the bikini is in Arab states and in this analysis I will attempt to demonstrate why. [Always good to outline the substance of your argument - the why]

Firstly it is important to establish the premise of why each clothing is seen as offensive in either country. The Burkha has been seen in western eyes as a method of supressing females and upholding a patriarchal society. The west has made great strides towards gender equality which was kickstarted by giving women the right to vote and has been seen in recent years in attempts to close the gender wage gap (which is a controversial issue on its own), put women in more positions of power and increase female education both globally and nationally in different sectors like encouraging girls to enter STEM subjects. The Burkha is seen by the west as a way of both masking the individuality of the female and implying that females exuding any sexuality in a public sphere is something that should be frowned upon. This is going against the movements of feminism to allow women to express themselves how they want and is argued to be used as a mechanism to keep women subservient to their husband. [First bit of repetition. It's also not clear why feminist views on education go against the implications of the burka, which is an item of clothing. See the comment below for more on this.] Many in the West believe the Burkha is forced upon women so further denying their freedom of choice and expression. These points all demonstrate how the Burkha appears to go , [Be careful with your punctuation and spacing!] not just against the movement of feminism, but against the liberal roots of our political system itself so is seen as highly offensive in the West. [This is closer to the root of the problem - you don't want women to be subjected to the will of men. If, in Western societies, we don't like the idea of men telling women how to be educated, why should we like the idea of men telling women how to dress? This question is about power/control.]

The bikini is seen as offensive in Arab states for various reasons. Like how the Burkha goes against the idea of freedom of the individual (in western eyes), the bikini could be said to be going against family and religious values. Disrupting these values disrupt the communities which many Arab lives are centred around. The bikini on women opens them up to the lustful stares of men other than the woman's husband. This encourages a culture of promiscuity which can break up families and goes against the teachings in the Islamic religion that the womens sexuality should be preserved for her husband only.[Make it clear that this is what is PERCEIVED, not the truth. It sounds like I'm reading the words of a fundamentalist right now!] The bikini could further be seen as a symbol of female liberation as they are making the choice to display their bodies so could disrupt the power balance seen between males and females in Arab states, changing the base of their communities as a whole which could lead them to collapse.[Maybe explain why Muslim communities is so male-dominated? Or at least state it openly?] Community is held in high esteem in these countries and the risk of their collapse as well as the insult to their religious teachings makes the bikini a highly offensive item of clothing in these countries. Both the Burkha and the bikini represent something larger then themselves which is going against values of a culture so could be argued to be equally offensive.

Despite all this the Burkha is not as offensive in the West [Make sure that capitalisation is consistent! Burka with a capital B, West with a capital W, etc.] and it comes down to the following reason: [colon, not semicolon] the liberal value of tolerance . One of the cornerstones of the ideology of liberalism is that each individual is unique and should be free to express themselves. This naturally leads liberals to favour diversity in a society and for aforementioned society to function there must be a culture of tolerance and acceptance of different beliefs and religions. As the philosopher Voltaire [again, caps!] once said “I detest what you say but I will defend to the death your right to say it”; although a western liberal may disagree with the belief system which is behind the existence of the Burkha they accept that individuals are free to believe what they choose and practice these beliefs as long as it is not harming others. This is clear now in liberal societies as multiculturalism has grown and has been accepted as a new type of society where many different beliefs can coexist with each other. [Fairly standard stuff, but good]

The recent rise of terror attacks has led to a right wing movement which has been anti immigration and highly anti Islamic. This is seen in various ways such as Trump's ‘Muslim ban’ and the ‘Burkha ban’ in France. This could lead some to believe that the principle of multicultralism is eroding. But also on the rise and ,increasingly so due to technology and transport links, is globalisation. This is not going to stop anytime soon and as cultures become more interlinked different values will become more accepted if not integrated. Arab states are less prone to masses of immigration then the west due to less job opportunities so this acceptance of opposing values is seen more here. This means that Islam [caps] and its values are becoming more commonplace and therefore more accepted here. [You know, I lost the point in this paragraph. The bit about Trump and France would suggest that parts of Western populations should be more anti-burka. The bit about globalisation not stopping is both very ambitious and slightly normative - you seem to be suggesting that the burka ought to not cause offence because... of... immigration? Islam becoming entrenched? You really need to make the argument clear!

However, it's a good thing that you didn't mention the very un-PC thing that Muslim countries are likely to remain... backwards and introverted - to put it nicely - for the foreseeable future. You'd be surprised at what people can say when they're under pressure.]


Overall, [again, punctuation!] although the roots of both the Burkha and the bikini show a strong antithesis to each other, the West is much more likely to find the Burkha as less offensive due to their ideas of tolerance and multricultralism and the mass immigration which has made the Burkha more commonplace so forced acceptance.
Feedback above ^ Don't worry about the word count - your essay could function well without the very long intro. Removing that would save around 150 words.
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Potentiallawgirl
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(Original post by JohanGRK)
Feedback above ^ Don't worry about the word count - your essay could function well without the very long intro. Removing that would save around 150 words.
Thank you so much this is super helpful! Yeah I know that last paragraph was such a mess, I had no idea what I was trying to say exactly, I will try and make each point clear in my next essay. Do you think my conclusion was long enough? Also if I write another essay tomorrow morning would you at all have time to skim over it and see if i have improved? Thanks again
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anonymous1231231
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(Original post by Potentiallawgirl)
Thank you so much this is super helpful! Yeah I know that last paragraph was such a mess, I had no idea what I was trying to say exactly, I will try and make each point clear in my next essay. Do you think my conclusion was long enough? Also if I write another essay tomorrow morning would you at all have time to skim over it and see if i have improved? Thanks again
I think what I always found useful was to outline my argument of each paragraph at the start of it, and at the end do a brief ass conclusion. Did you do this essay timed?
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JohanGRK
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(Original post by Potentiallawgirl)
Thank you so much this is super helpful! Yeah I know that last paragraph was such a mess, I had no idea what I was trying to say exactly, I will try and make each point clear in my next essay. Do you think my conclusion was long enough? Also if I write another essay tomorrow morning would you at all have time to skim over it and see if i have improved? Thanks again
Conclusion was alright - there wasn't much else that you could have said, given that your argument was fairly straightforward
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FloralHybrid
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Is this the sort of question that’s likely to come up?

Slightly surprised as if I went into an LNAT with no prior knowledge I feel like this is quite a niche area to write an essay on. Without doing research in advance I’d really struggle to comment on how and why clothing in certain countries is considered offensive, not including the obvious e.g it goes against the primary religion.

Guess this means LNAT prep will be pretty essential for me if I need it! 😬
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JohanGRK
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(Original post by FloralHybrid)
Is this the sort of question that’s likely to come up?

Slightly surprised as if I went into an LNAT with no prior knowledge I feel like this is quite a niche area to write an essay on. Without doing research in advance I’d really struggle to comment on how and why clothing in certain countries is considered offensive, not including the obvious e.g it goes against the primary religion.

Guess this means LNAT prep will be pretty essential for me if I need it! 😬
Are you still at school?
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FloralHybrid
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(Original post by JohanGRK)
Are you still at school?
I’m actually third year sixth former, but I won’t be applying to university until later this year for 2020 entry once I’ve completed my A-Levels. So as of yet, I have little-to-no experience with LNAT essays.
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anonymous1231231
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(Original post by FloralHybrid)
Is this the sort of question that’s likely to come up?

Slightly surprised as if I went into an LNAT with no prior knowledge I feel like this is quite a niche area to write an essay on. Without doing research in advance I’d really struggle to comment on how and why clothing in certain countries is considered offensive, not including the obvious e.g it goes against the primary religion.

Guess this means LNAT prep will be pretty essential for me if I need it! 😬
You get a choice of three essays. Plus, you don’t need to know specific information, tbh your arguments don’t even need to be factually correct. An LNAT essay isn’t about that, it’s about structure, logical reasoning, strength of arguments, etc.
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FloralHybrid
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(Original post by anonymous1231231)
You get a choice of three essays. Plus, you don’t need to know specific information, tbh your arguments don’t even need to be factually correct. An LNAT essay isn’t about that, it’s about structure, logical reasoning, strength of arguments, etc.
Thank you - I’m aware no prior knowledge is needed, I think I’m mainly concerned that without having a background on the topic I’m writing about, I won’t be able to structure an argument that’s as well thought out as it could be 🤔
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anonymous1231231
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(Original post by FloralHybrid)
Thank you - I’m aware no prior knowledge is needed, I think I’m mainly concerned that without having a background on the topic I’m writing about, I won’t be able to structure an argument that’s as well thought out as it could be 🤔
You do get a choice of three essays and you really should be able to answer at least one. Imo that shouldn’t be the bit that you’re worried about!
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