The Student Room Group

4 year relationship, engaged but never had penetrative sex

We are a very happy couple I love my fiancée very much and have no issues with her apart from this one. We have been together 5 years nearly 6 and we are engaged but we have never had real sex. We do other things which we class as sex but I have never penetrated her.

The reason for this is that she is very uncomfortable and says that she is too tight and it will be too painful for her, she says that anything entering her is painful. I have never tried to penetrate as she doesn’t let me because she fears it will hurt. She has some sex toys and lubricants etc but she says when she uses them it is painful still and she doesn’t enjoy it. We live together so she isn’t fussy about sex, sometimes we do what we do everyday sometimes we don’t do it for months; it seems to be all up to her. I do not complain. We work through the days sometimes I’m day sometimes she’s night it rotates so we do have times when only one of us is busy but it seems that sex only matters to me in terms of missing eachother. Only I think about that.
However my sex drive is a lot higher than hers, but for some reason I struggle to masturbate without some assistance from her, either verbal or photos or something when we’re apart. She used to do this when we were dating but now she says she is uncomfortable with it. I know that she masturbates regularly maybe every other day but sometimes I can’t *** for weeks and it doesn’t really faze her.
Also when I get horny, which is often, whether it is over message or in person she more often than not rejects my whole mood and efforts, and after we do what we consider sex she doesn’t talk about it as much as I’d like to. It’s something I love and I would like more of but she seems to be perfectly fine without it and doesn’t care for my sexual needs in that sense. Sometimes she makes me feel bad for my high sex drive, not sure what to do about it. It’s our only issue and talking about it results in absolutely nothing
I’m sorry you feel this way. I believe no one should be in a relationship if they’re not sexually compatible. Relationships are not all about sex, but a large part of it is about intimacy and respect. I know you might feel happy with her now, but in 5-6 years you might end up resenting her and be in an unhappy and frustrating marriage.

Maybe try couples therapy or sex therapy, that might help you guys solve your problem. Also has she gone to her GP to check if everythings ok? Also if she never had sex before, it’s normal that it’ll hurt and feel very uncomfortable but after 2/3 times the pain will be gone and she’ll be able to enjoy sex.

I’m also glad that you’re not forcing her into anything and respecting her limits and wishes. But like I said, if you’re not sexually compatible it will eventually stop working.
Reply 2
Original post by Anonymous
I’m sorry you feel this way. I believe no one should be in a relationship if they’re not sexually compatible. Relationships are not all about sex, but a large part of it is about intimacy and respect. I know you might feel happy with her now, but in 5-6 years you might end up resenting her and be in an unhappy and frustrating marriage.

Maybe try couples therapy or sex therapy, that might help you guys solve your problem. Also has she gone to her GP to check if everythings ok? Also if she never had sex before, it’s normal that it’ll hurt and feel very uncomfortable but after 2/3 times the pain will be gone and she’ll be able to enjoy sex.

I’m also glad that you’re not forcing her into anything and respecting her limits and wishes. But like I said, if you’re not sexually compatible it will eventually stop working.


I’ve tried my best to stick to the belief that sex is not everything in a relationship but I know it does play a huge role in terms of intimacy and intimacy is crucial. I say that to her, that the first time is always painful for the first few times and that it’s a natural thing but then she just fixates on her discomfort. I have offered lots of different kinds of help, therapy etc anything we can do to have that as a normal functioning thing within our relationship as it should be but she doesn’t feel it’s that important to work so hard for it..

She constantly hits me with the are you gonna get tired of it and leave me” and I say no because that’s not the kind of person that I am, I’ve put years into her were put years in together I wouldn’t throw away what we have over sex but the thought of our sexual compatibility ruining it for us in the long run does linger my mind frequently. I’m happy with her and I want to be with her, I just wish I could some how change it and she would try to cooperate with me😒
Original post by Anonymous
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It's a relatively common issue, your partner just lacks confidence and experience. It's not really a discussion between strangers on an open internet forum, but one sessions with someone who helps with relationships/sexual issues should resolve it in a positive way. Try Relate or similar.
Reply 4
I'd suggest she goes to her GP. There's a condition called vaginismus, that essentially means that the vagina contracts painfully during sex. It might be that she has this, or something similar. Don't play the blame game, or make her feel like she can't talk to you. It's not her fault. The main treatment is counselling, either as an individual or a couple.
I love my boyfriend from his head to his toes. I can talk to him about anything, and he tells me things that he doesn’t feel able to open up about to anyone else. I love to spend time with him, I’d rather it home and chill/nap with him (we’re both year 13 which is stressful and exhausting) than go out and do ‘fun’ stuff with other people. I also fancy the bones of him, and sex and intimacy is an important part of our relationship although we keep it private - we’re not into PDAs

You sound lovely and as though you’ve done your absolute utmost to be supportive without pressurising her. A relationship is a two way thing though, and some of the effort needs to come from her. It sounds to me as thought she has a bit of a mental block and is maybe embarrassed too. I’d suggest first of all that she go to get checked out just to make sure that there isn’t a physical problem. I’d suggest going to a sexual health clinic rather than her GP. She might find it easier to talk to a stranger, and the clinic staff are experts, they deal with this stuff every day, they could have a doctor check her out, sort out contraception etc if she’s worried about that, give her information and advice, and refer her for help if needed.

The ‘you’ll leave me if I don’t....’ is a bit manipulative, making you feel guilty for wanting a full and healthy relationship with her, and making you feel like a bad person for bringing it up. She obviously has a sex drive, but something is getting in the way, if your relationship is good in other ways and you’re happy together then it’s worth putting in the work to sort this out, but all the work can’t just come from you. If she’s not willing to address it then over time either you will just get increasingly frustrated but stay out of guilt but feel unhappy and resentful, or your relationship will end. I hope it can be sorted x
Reply 6
Original post by SanityGone
I love my boyfriend from his head to his toes. I can talk to him about anything, and he tells me things that he doesn’t feel able to open up about to anyone else. I love to spend time with him, I’d rather it home and chill/nap with him (we’re both year 13 which is stressful and exhausting) than go out and do ‘fun’ stuff with other people. I also fancy the bones of him, and sex and intimacy is an important part of our relationship although we keep it private - we’re not into PDAs

You sound lovely and as though you’ve done your absolute utmost to be supportive without pressurising her. A relationship is a two way thing though, and some of the effort needs to come from her. It sounds to me as thought she has a bit of a mental block and is maybe embarrassed too. I’d suggest first of all that she go to get checked out just to make sure that there isn’t a physical problem. I’d suggest going to a sexual health clinic rather than her GP. She might find it easier to talk to a stranger, and the clinic staff are experts, they deal with this stuff every day, they could have a doctor check her out, sort out contraception etc if she’s worried about that, give her information and advice, and refer her for help if needed.

The ‘you’ll leave me if I don’t....’ is a bit manipulative, making you feel guilty for wanting a full and healthy relationship with her, and making you feel like a bad person for bringing it up. She obviously has a sex drive, but something is getting in the way, if your relationship is good in other ways and you’re happy together then it’s worth putting in the work to sort this out, but all the work can’t just come from you. If she’s not willing to address it then over time either you will just get increasingly frustrated but stay out of guilt but feel unhappy and resentful, or your relationship will end. I hope it can be sorted x


That makes me very happy to hear!! That’s such a sweet little relationship hahah hearing about that made my day honestly bless you both!

I’m glad that you see it from my perspective also, you’re right I think the best thing to do is just suggest to her to visit the doctors and try to talk through things some more. We do tell eachother everything, stuff you wouldn’t even imagine but it’s just this that she happens to be incredibly uncomfortable with even talking about or texting about. I try my best to be patient and understanding because I don’t think she needs me to be anything other than that obviously she’s experiencing something difficult and unpleasant and I just wanna help. Up until now I haven’t really fixated on the fact that she hasnt really tried to see what we can do to help and things like that, like you said I can’t be putting in all the effort because it’s a two way street. I will take your advice and hope for the best that she will address it and we can try to work on it as a couple.
Probably asexual
Original post by Anonymous
Probably asexual

If she was asexual she wouldn’t be regularly masturbating???

Original post by Anonymous
That makes me very happy to hear!! That’s such a sweet little relationship hahah hearing about that made my day honestly bless you both!

Thank you 😊 Time will tell as we’ll be going to different unis later in the year, he’s going to Cambridge and I don’t yet know. I do trust him, I know he wouldn’t cheat, but I think it will be a time of big change, his course will be intense and I’m a medicine applicant so same. Hopefully the distance won’t be too much but as much as I love him I am quite realistic that we will both be changed.

I’d definitely recommend the sexual health clinic over the GP. Our local hospital has a drop in clinic, you don’t even need an appointment and it’s all confidential. The staff are easy to talk to - they must see and hear all sorts really, and it helps that it’s ‘detached’ if that makes sense. I go in for my pills and come out with a supply of pills condoms and leaflets about anything we discuss so I can read it up later.

Good luck x
(edited 5 years ago)
Original post by Anonymous
That makes me very happy to hear!! That’s such a sweet little relationship hahah hearing about that made my day honestly bless you both!

I’m glad that you see it from my perspective also, you’re right I think the best thing to do is just suggest to her to visit the doctors and try to talk through things some more. We do tell eachother everything, stuff you wouldn’t even imagine but it’s just this that she happens to be incredibly uncomfortable with even talking about or texting about. I try my best to be patient and understanding because I don’t think she needs me to be anything other than that obviously she’s experiencing something difficult and unpleasant and I just wanna help. Up until now I haven’t really fixated on the fact that she hasnt really tried to see what we can do to help and things like that, like you said I can’t be putting in all the effort because it’s a two way street. I will take your advice and hope for the best that she will address it and we can try to work on it as a couple.


get her to do some support and get her checked oiut by a doctor as she may have somthng wrong with her
Original post by SanityGone
Thank you 😊 Time will tell as we’ll be going to different unis later in the year, he’s going to Cambridge and I don’t yet know. I do trust him, I know he wouldn’t cheat, but I think it will be a time of big change, his course will be intense and I’m a medicine applicant so same. Hopefully the distance won’t be too much but as much as I love him I am quite realistic that we will both be changed.

I’d definitely recommend the sexual health clinic over the GP. Our local hospital has a drop in clinic, you don’t even need an appointment and it’s all confidential. The staff are easy to talk to - they must see and hear all sorts really, and it helps that it’s ‘detached’ if that makes sense. I go in for my pills and come out with a supply of pills condoms and leaflets about anything we discuss so I can read it up later.

Good luck x


That’s probably a front
You sound lovely and patient but a relationship is a 2 way thing and it doesn't feel like she's doing her part. She seems to find the idea of sex distressing or why would she be masturbating rather than 69ing or something, I'm guessing when you guys have sex she's feeling pressure to do something penetrating (even if you say nothing to that effect). She obviously has a sex drive or she wouldn't masturbate... but for some reason she won't explore that together.

It could be down to psychological issues or physical ones but she needs to talk about what's going on... is this the result of sexual abuse? Or is it really just too painful? If it's the first she needs to see a therapist and the second a medical professional (preferably sexuàl health clinic as they're a bit more knowledgeable). That's gonna be hard and embarrassing but she needs to do her part.

It's also not ok to be saying ' oh you're gonna leave me aren't you' . You might and that would be ok. She needs to see that you matter too and she should be at least trying to make progress t owards a normal sex life.
I'd have either had full consensual sex with her 5 and half years ago or dumped her.

This is your youth we're talking about. When you should be sexually active.
You have entirely natural desires, which you could satisfy elsewhere with someone who will be at least as good a company outside the bedroom as your current close friend.


Edit: the reason for her not consenting to have sexual intercourse with you does not matter. That is entirely besides the point. The only thing that matters here is that she has refused to have sex with you for 6 years. Whilst there are plenty of other wonderful young women that would be delighted to have sex with you within 6 weeks of you starting to date them.
(edited 5 years ago)
Original post by SanityGone
Thank you 😊 Time will tell as we’ll be going to different unis later in the year, he’s going to Cambridge and I don’t yet know. I do trust him, I know he wouldn’t cheat, but I think it will be a time of big change, his course will be intense and I’m a medicine applicant so same. Hopefully the distance won’t be too much but as much as I love him I am quite realistic that we will both be changed.

I’d definitely recommend the sexual health clinic over the GP. Our local hospital has a drop in clinic, you don’t even need an appointment and it’s all confidential. The staff are easy to talk to - they must see and hear all sorts really, and it helps that it’s ‘detached’ if that makes sense. I go in for my pills and come out with a supply of pills condoms and leaflets about anything we discuss so I can read it up later.

Good luck x


Don’t worry about things like that! You have a happy healthy relationship right now and I’m certain t will stay that way even if some things are different, I’m a couple years younger than my girlfriend and we went through a similar phase, she left sixth form when I was in y11 and then she was in uni while I was in college but we both remained faithful and devoted to eachother and now we live together and are engaged just with this issue but still 😂😂 that sounds really good and beneficial, I will definitely recommend her that and ask if she wants me to wait for her or go with her or anything like that just for comfort. Thankyou x

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