Please be brutal with me Watch

Anamallika
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I'm going to tell you things about my life and I want you to give me constructive criticism (as I work well from it) and tell me if you honestly think I am a loser, tell me what you honestly think about my life and please tell me what changes you would make if you were me.

I desperately need a life overhaul.

ok so the brutal truth is:

I'm 33
I'm fat
I'm still a virgin (thats right!)
I've never even been on a date
In the house I'm pretty loud and giggly
outside the house I'm quiet and insecure
i'm introverted and rarely go out
don't really know many people, don't have many social contacts
oh I'm a female and a muslim

Health:
thankfully no physical health issues and mentally I did have depression but was smart enough to get help for it. after many years with a mental health team i've overcome many obstacles. I still have anxiety but its not as bad as it used to be. i make the effort to leave the house more but still not at that stage where i want to be. i desperately want to be married but my social anxiety scares me about the prospect of meeting the extended family i am going to have

Education and career:
again blessed to have somehow been able to graduate from university. i consider myself to be pretty smart, well spoken and well written as well as street smart. only problem is due to my issues i've never been able to keep down a job or carve a career out for myself (even though this was one of my biggest life goals, to have been a proper career woman) i'm currently unemployed and my experiences are crap, i've only ever done volunteer work here and there, had my last actual paying job about four years ago!

but the determination has never left me. even at this age with lack of experience i still think i've got it in me to do great things and achieve a lot! the only problem is... i'm literally like a baby, i have to learn how to walk all over again because i honestly have forgotten who i wanted to be, what i wanted to be and how to start again

Relationships:
so as I've said I haven't been on a date or been sexual with anyone. its not that i don't have offers, despite my weight i've been told i'm pretty/nice looking/attractive and this resonates because i do get hit on/chatted up a lot. i usually get asked out by older men and i have no problem with this. the only reason why i've never accepted a date is simply due to my anxiety, i know that a date will inevitably lead to a relationship or sex and due to not being comfortable in my skin i always shy away from saying yes. even though i desperately want to

i'm not cocky but when it comes to marriage i know that i won't exactly be shy of offers mainly due to the fact that i'm the least fussy or shallow person on the planet. aside from not wanting to marry a guy who has kids or marry someone who wants to live abroad, i have no other real requirements. don't care at all if he is short, fat, not socially attractive, not rich, not successful (but i would like him to be in employment) and not perfect because i'm just happy to be with a man who wants me for me. and even stuff like anger issues, having his own issues don't affect me much because i have 33 years of experience in living with those types of people unfortunately, if there was an award for being tolerant and patient i'd win every year.

for the people who don't mind reading about my religious woes, read the next part...
Religion and culture:
I'm muslim and do value my religion and would never call myself an atheist but i feel like i'm currently living like one, mainly because i haven't prayed at all. i don't drink or do drugs or eat pork or gamble but i'm not praying or fasting or learning about my religion at all. whilst i am not eating haram i don't see it as that much of a big deal and have been tempted to just order whatever when i'm in a restaurant. i'm basically not militant when it comes to the subject of halal and haram.

as for culture i am pakistani but really not into the culture at all. i wear the clothes, can cook the food, understand how the mentality works etc but in all honestly i don't like the culture (don't kill me!) i consider myself to be british first and only speak english fluently. i have family members constantly telling me to speak urdu and thats the only time when i wish i knew how to speak it so that i can politely tell them to **** off. if i ever plan on living in pakistan only then will i make the effort to learn it, as i have zero plans to leave the UK i don't see why i should speak any other language than english


so theres my boring life story so far, to sum it up for the tldr community - i'm getting older, i'm unemployed, fat, a virgin, not working, not going out, shutting myself away too much, at a constant battle with my identity, don't socialise at all, pretty much in a rut and the only thing keeping me going is my stubbornness to give up and determination to be content.

so my questions are:

. on a scale of 1-10 how much of a loser do you think i am (please don't be polite)
. what changes would you make if you were me?
. if you met me in person, knowing what you knew of me would you be interested in knowing me?
. am i a lost cause?
. or did you just find this whole thing pointless?

lol i basically just feel lost right about now, like i'm wasting my life and don't really know what i should be doing to live my 'best life', all i do know is that i've got this niggling feeling that if i don't make any changes i'm gonna be left with a lifetime of regrets, which i don't want.
please give me any input, even if its just to tell me to get over myself
thanks for taking the time to read xx
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GetTheLondonLook
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Remember your roots lol
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BillyMic
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on a scale of 1-10 how much of a loser do you think i am (please don't be polite)
Do you think of yourself as a loser? No need to bash on yourself like that, everyone has a time in their life where they aren't achieving as much as they want to and not doing things that they have wanted to do and you're 33 and still full of life so get out and do something. You should not think of yourself as one at all and you should try your best to be someone who could make a real big change for yourself and people around you.

what changes would you make if you were me?

What would you change? You should try and think right now, what problems do you want to sort out for yourself. You've listed many things you think are wrong with yourself and you should try and fix them.
Firstly, get into employment, create a CV and start hunting for some jobs you have got a Uni degree under your belt so that should be much easier and if you don't want to find a job first why not try and build up your experience? Go to programs, classes, volunteer, do something that is worthwhile try and make new friends through sites, face to face talking. Have someone talk to you and you could use them to practice how to become less soially akward.


if you met me in person, knowing what you knew of me would you be interested in knowing me?

Why the hell not? You seem like someone I'd like to kow and have a chat with. I'd love to know you.

am i a lost cause?

No you are not a lost cause and you should not think of yourself as one. Become someone and make a name for yourself, become the change YOU want to be. You are 33 and still living and healthy, go out have fun make your life worthwhile.

or did you just find this whole thing pointless?

Nope this was not pointless, but you should not make yourself feel pointless at all.
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Anamallika
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(Original post by BillyMic)
on a scale of 1-10 how much of a loser do you think i am (please don't be polite)
Do you think of yourself as a loser? No need to bash on yourself like that, everyone has a time in their life where they aren't achieving as much as they want to and not doing things that they have wanted to do and you're 33 and still full of life so get out and do something. You should not think of yourself as one at all and you should try your best to be someone who could make a real big change for yourself and people around you.

what changes would you make if you were me?

What would you change? You should try and think right now, what problems do you want to sort out for yourself. You've listed many things you think are wrong with yourself and you should try and fix them.
Firstly, get into employment, create a CV and start hunting for some jobs you have got a Uni degree under your belt so that should be much easier and if you don't want to find a job first why not try and build up your experience? Go to programs, classes, volunteer, do something that is worthwhile try and make new friends through sites, face to face talking. Have someone talk to you and you could use them to practice how to become less soially akward.


if you met me in person, knowing what you knew of me would you be interested in knowing me?

Why the hell not? You seem like someone I'd like to kow and have a chat with. I'd love to know you.

am i a lost cause?

No you are not a lost cause and you should not think of yourself as one. Become someone and make a name for yourself, become the change YOU want to be. You are 33 and still living and healthy, go out have fun make your life worthwhile.

or did you just find this whole thing pointless?

Nope this was not pointless, but you should not make yourself feel pointless at all.
ahh thank you so much, this is just the sort of thing i needed. sometimes you just need others to put things into perspective for you

i never thought about that, appears that i'm too busy trying to be other peoples versions of successful that i failed to realise that i should be focusing on what i think/feel/want

yeah i only really felt like a loser because i thought that this was how the rest of the world would see me. thanks a lot for your input!!
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BillyMic
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(Original post by Anamallika)
ahh thank you so much, this is just the sort of thing i needed. sometimes you just need others to put things into perspective for you

i never thought about that, appears that i'm too busy trying to be other peoples versions of successful that i failed to realise that i should be focusing on what i think/feel/want

yeah i only really felt like a loser because i thought that this was how the rest of the world would see me. thanks a lot for your input!!
Anytime, and screw what people say about their version of "successful" just have your own version, have a stable job, make yourself comfortable and whilst your 33 go learn some new skills. You don't know how long you are going to live make your life worthwhile.
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Anamallika
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(Original post by BillyMic)
Anytime, and screw what people say about their version of "successful" just have your own version, have a stable job, make yourself comfortable and whilst your 33 go learn some new skills. You don't know how long you are going to live make your life worthwhile.
sound advice! :top:
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Jumainah19
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(Original post by Anamallika)
So my questions are:

. on a scale of 1-10 how much of a loser do you think i am (please don't be polite)
. what changes would you make if you were me?
. if you met me in person, knowing what you knew of me would you be interested in knowing me?
. am i a lost cause?
. or did you just find this whole thing pointless?


please give me any input, even if its just to tell me to get over myself
thanks for taking the time to read xx
(im 15 btw)

~ 7, mainly because you have posted this on a website for students, but you seem nice
~ i think you should go on a holiday, like a nice one for you to just take some time to think for yourself
~ i'm 15 and antisocial, so i'm not interested in knowing anyone anyways
~ nooooo <3
~ go take a holiday honestly <33333 you seem really sweet
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Anamallika
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(Original post by Jumainah19)
(im 15 btw)

~ 7, mainly because you have posted this on a website for students, but you seem nice
~ i think you should go on a holiday, like a nice one for you to just take some time to think for yourself
~ i'm 15 and antisocial, so i'm not interested in knowing anyone anyways
~ nooooo <3
~ go take a holiday honestly <33333 you seem really sweet
-haha good point
- you know what, that is pretty good advice. i really could do with a holiday by myself
- well for 15 you're still pretty wise with your head screwed on properly
- phew!
- aww thank you, and you seem lovely!
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YaliaV
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You will only be a loser if you think of yourself in those terms. You can lose weight if you want and you can find a healthy relationship. It’s better to wait until 33 than sleeping with anything that moves. You’re not a loser at all.
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Anamallika
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(Original post by YaliaV)
You will only be a loser if you think of yourself in those terms. You can lose weight if you want and you can find a healthy relationship. It’s better to wait until 33 than sleeping with anything that moves. You’re not a loser at all.
ohh thank you
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Lilligant22
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Life is really too short to concede and call yourself a loser. You can do so much in life even though we may feel trapped sometimes. We have so many opportunities given to us in our own lives: we just need to take them. You, for instance, took the opportunity to help your depression. This benefitted you.
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BrownFace
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Hi ,
I don't think you are a loser, it happens to everyone at some time in our life, you just need motivation and patience to deal with it. Start doing sport, yoga for exemple at home. Start going out with you family so that you will maybe meet new people. Try to go back working and start a career just stop complaining life is too short. You are muslim maybe start praying and ask allah for help ask him anything, i can garanty you that if you are sincere enought you ll be surprised and be patient about it try to ask for weeks maybe couple month and see what happens. Or just accept a proposal of a good and kind man and try to improve yourself together! You ll succed inchallah
Peace
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loralai
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on a scale of 1-10 how much of a loser do you think i am?
I cannot answer that, what society deems a loser and what i deem a loser are very different (to clarify, i dont think youre a loser at all)

. what changes would you make if you were me?
I dont want to go on a tangent, i'm a pakistani muslim too My greatest peice of advice would be.. pray girl! i know its easier said than done for someone who doesnt, but try it... ive no doubt that it will help you in some way or another.
Aside from that, i understand that getting a job isnt the easiest thing to do, and this may be slightly assumptuous of me, but if you look hard enough, you will find one. Don't be lazy, getting a job is so important for you, it will make you independant. If there is a will there is a way.. and there must have been so many ways in the last 4 years surely! Try harder.
Youre saying i have to learn to walk again, well then do it.
whatever you want for yourself, is in the world, but you are simply not letting yourself go and get it.
if you met me in person, knowing what you knew of me would you be interested in knowing me?
Hell yeah, you seem very interesting!
am i a lost cause?
No No No. I can tell you know where you want to be, but i'm not sure youre taking the steps to get there.
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study beats
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same culture and same religion

your not a loser

I am in the same boat
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Apachecow
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(Original post by Anamallika)
.. what changes would you make if you were me?
Try bacon?

You're not a loser. I really hate some of the aspects of religion where they seek to control your life in stupid ways. I'm a strong athiest.

My advice would be to put yourself out there and PUSH yourself to the very periphery of your comfort zone. If you keep pushing I think things will work out for you in terms of career and love life.
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SJW-
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the only reason why i've never accepted a date is simply due to my anxiety,

dont be giving us all that. playing the oh im too anxious card. no youre just a pussy, i get anxious all kinds of chit but it doesnt stop me from doing it

id hit the gym, lose weight and get strong. id learn as much as i could and put into action (from yt, books, podcasts) about social skills, fear and anxiety, relationships, pyshchology, careers, money, read the 'this will change your life' type books, books which effectively get u to start life again refashion ur life - tony robbins would be a good start. i'd also find some mentors on yt. i like apha m; hes for men look at the stuff he does and find a womens equivilent . tbh i would thengo do something big like go travelling backpacking etc for a period of time 3 months and come back will the experience, the skills learned from that and come back to the uk fresh. life is like a batting in cricket u can either hide running away from the ball. or u can get in there, u can face them sure u might miss the ball, u might even get hit, but one will come along and youll smash it out the ground
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Anonymous #1
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Idk what to say because you really sound like alcohol would help u but obviously ur a muslim and i probably shouldn't b promoting drinking ur problems away anyway lol For the record you sound on this thread like a really nice and down to earth person. Don't be so hard on yourself! <3 Regarding ur relationships, can ur parents help you with finding someone? I am a quarter pakistani and have cousins who are happy in arranged marriages (consensual and in Britain). I guess u need someone a little introverted like urself. Best of luck x
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Spanx
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Why is no one reading her post?! Be brutal with her, she's a chubby virgin and isn't sure what she needs to do! FFS. :P

What's with all these helpful tips to eat healthy, get some exercise and not be so down on herself.....sure they might fix the self esteem issues but how are they at all Brutal?! She asked nicely so don't be a bunch of d*cks and ignore her request!!!
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LoyaltyAb0veAll
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You are fat/virgin and unemployed? At 33? And keep in mind you are physically healthy.
1.
on a scale of 1-10 how much of a loser do you think i am (please don't be polite)
- 9.5 - Major Loser ( atleast you are not a doomed loser/ the fact you wrote this post shows that)

2. What changes would you make if you were me?
You have 2 options;
- accept who you are and keep making the same decision ( honestly happiness is subjective but success is not)
- get out of your comfort zone and chase your goals ( for one; I would improve my CV and get a job and next i would understand the importance of time specially now that you are 33. You can't rely on "oh i am still young")

3.. if you met me in person, knowing what you knew of me would you be interested in knowing me?
No

4.. am i a lost cause?
No, definetly not.

5. did you just find this whole thing pointless?
I suffer with anxiety myself and the fact you have overcome it; is inspiring so not pointless.
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Anonymous #2
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.0 because you're never a loser until you quit trying. and personally the only people that I deem to be losers are completely sh*tty people who want to ruin other peoples lives and you don't strike me as a sh*tty person

.well pinpointing on all the things you seem to be upset about:
-your weight/not being comfortable in your skin - i suggest you start dieting and exercising. try joining a gym and getting yourself a trainer and telling him to be strict on you, sounds like you need someone pushing you and this will get you out of the house everyday, out of your comfort zone and will get you doing something you can focus on. exercise is proven to be good for your mental health state too
-your religious beliefs. stay praying obviously. no idea how to go about it seen as i'm agnostic myself and know nothing about your religion, do muslims have their version of mass? maybe try attending some sermons/lectures? i really don't know, just try anything to get you motivated again
-lack of job, as someone above said keep searching until you find the right job. theres always something out there for everyone and start off small and then work your way up. if nothing else start doing more volenteer work to gain more experience.

.sure, there is nothing wrong with you. you seem very self aware and i like the way you worded a lot of stuff so chances are you'd probably be a good conversationalist so why not

.i think you have lost 'da wae' (lol sorry!) but a lost cause means that its too late to change a person and seen as you're determined to changed you definitely don't qualify as being a lost cause. but might i suggest you start making changes to your life now because if you don't, you may well one day turn into a lost cause. all the best x
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