(Original post by Anonymous)
I need advice.
From year 8 onwards ( I am a first year medic now), I have just felt very abnormal. In exams, I couldn't write quickly (my pen would fall out of my hand) and it almost feels as if I am drawing shapes rather than writing.
Studying would be a pain (well apart from maths because you don't really have to memorise stuff for that - you just have to understand it and apply it). This is how I study (sorry I do some very strange things) - I usually speak aloud , probably hit myself to keep focused , end up scratching myself in the process, grind my teeth, get a migraine, scream/shout(you get the idea) - I have a very low attention span for memorising things (well apart from maths because it doesn't require memorising text).
A very important point - it almost feels like my brain is resisting me.. I am an enemy to myself - I always make things harder for myself and even if I try not to it doesn't work.
I remember than in secondary school.. (I am also quite athletic and do sprints) I was doing the 400m sprint and I just let someone beat me on purpose even though I could have easily won.
I am sure there is no one like me -
I don't understand what's wrong with me - my mum says I am just lazy and then tells me to go to see a doctor as I might have a brain tumour :/ Basically winds me up and I don't blame her because why does her only child have to have so many bloody problems?!
Very quick background info - in primary school, I couldn't really speak at all until I was in year 3, also had a lot of confidence issues and was in the lowest set you could possibly put someone in (ironic cause I am a medic now). Anyway, in secondary school, it got worse. I got bullied - it all started. (ok - I'll be honest .. I cheated for my french exam for a vocab test - I know stupid but I was probably 12 then and really regret that ..never cheated in anything since). Anyway, a group of people started ganging up on me after that- flicking bits of an eraser at me and flicking paper balls at me. Strange - because they cheated in exams several times and they just had to pick on me as a target. I am not sure why they picked on me to be honest. Anyway after that vicious cycle was over, I found myself with all these strange habits like not being able to write quickly and also i just couldn't memorise anything and yeah, letting myself down by allowing people to beat me in race or something like that - it got to the point that I even let myself do bad in exams on purpose.
I then moved to a grammar school for my A levels and also had to carry all these strange habits with me there so A levels were a pain (again, apart from maths).
It's painful for me because (I am not showing off) I am very clever but I have stupid problems that no one else has. Who cannot write quickly(basically the pen does not feel natural in my hand), has to put up with not being able to focus (despite wanting to revise!!!!) and who has tendency to make themselves lose at something?
I have looked at all these posts saying that if you are not willing to study (blah blah) then maybe medicine isn't for you etc.. The thing is I very much want to study - I sit myself down and try very hard but my brain ends up getting exhausted trying. There's a saying that once you get started, then you get into the mode of studying. It's not like that for me. If I study (so memorising medical school stuff) for 5 hours, that is the same thing as me fighting with myself for 5 hours. This is very frustrating because I really really want to study but have to put up a fight with myself doing this.
Now, one last thing, I have had this issue since year 8 -so I have survived so far but now I am in medical school and I cannot afford wasting time in things like these.
I really apologise for this rather depressing post. I really need advice on what to do, why I might be doing this to myself and how to discipline myself.