Is it morally wrong to accept an arrange marriage, and have a gf on the side? Watch

Tellmegaub
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So I’m bisexual girl but I prefer girls on a romantic and emotional level. My parents are very strict and are pressuring me to marry my cousin from Pakistan.

I’m considering going ahead with it and accepting my fate as I don’t want to lose my family or cause any shame to them. So please don’t advise me to leave them, and do my own thing as that’s not an option.

However in the back of my mind, I have thought about getting a gf on the side. Someone I can enjoy a passionate relationship with. There are fewer risks involved with a gf- no chance of pregnancies, lower risk of sexual diseases etc and I can even have her cover as a ‘friend’ of mine. We can hang out together as “[email protected]

It’ll be unfair on the guy and I hate that. But let’s be honest, he doesn’t want to marry me because he’s madly in love with me or attracted to my personality. He wants me for the British passport and so he can come here make tons of money to send back home to his family. It’s a marriage of convenience for the both of us. I’ll be trapped in an arrange marriage where there was never any real passion or love to begin with.

I know of many British Pakistani men that get married back home and a have gf on the side in which the community are aware of. But men can get away with murder in our community!!

After chatting to a few girls, I was surprised to discover that plenty of them would not hesitate in dating a married woman. Perhaps it’s the whole forbidden fruit always tastes sweeter.

Or am I just being a selfish heartless *****?!


And before people lose their ****, this scenario is not something I’d likely go ahead with. I’m more likely going to be stuck in a loveless arrange marriage where I’d be loyal to be my husband. But not going to lie , the temptation is always there.
Last edited by Tellmegaub; 1 month ago
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byeongkwans
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Morally yes, it would be wrong. However, being forced into a marriage you don’t want to be in isn’t right either...
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Anonymous #1
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I’m a Pakistani girl too.
And I don’t understand the mindset that people like you have. How are you going to bring shame(1) on your family for not marrying someone they are essentially forcing you to?
Allah (God) gave humans free will, and a mind of their own - by forcing you to do things your family are going against that basic tenet, and by giving into them and not standing up for your basic rights, you’re being a coward, not necessarily a good daughter.

Where does Islam say that humans must marry the exact person their parents say, even if they don’t love them? It doesn’t say that anywhere. Family are there to love, support and nurture you, not to monitor and challenge your every move (we have a surveillance state for that 😂).

(1) Shame is a social construct. What some Pakistani people may view as shameful, the rest of the world (including other Pakistanis!) don’t.
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Anonymous #1
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To add:

Although I won’t offer any personal comments on the lesbian issue - you claim that you’re worried about shaming your family by rejecting your cousin, wouldn’t it bring shame on them when your family find out you’re a closet lesbian?

You need to tell them you’re not ready and take a year or few out.
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Dunnig Kruger
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But let’s be honest, he doesn’t want to marry me because he’s madly in love with me or attracted to my personality. He wants me for the British passport and so he can come here make tons of money to send back home to his family. It’s a marriage of convenience for the both of us. I’ll be trapped in an arrange marriage where there was never any real passion or love to begin with.

This is morally wrong. You are participating in this person circumventing the UK immigration laws. You have a moral duty to tell the immigration officials that you have no love for each other and that you are doing it merely to keep your family happy, whilst he is doing it for the British passport and right to work in this country.

Full disclosure to the immigration authorities is the moral thing to do.
You should tell the Home Office that you're telling them this in confidence as your family would be unhappy with you if they found out that you'd been open and honest to the UK officials about this.

You being happy to go ahead with the marriage is fine. You keeping important information away from the officials that will make a decision on his visa application is not fine.
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Tellmegaub
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(Original post by Anonymous)
To add:

Although I won’t offer any personal comments on the lesbian issue - you claim that you’re worried about shaming your family by rejecting your cousin, wouldn’t it bring shame on them when your family find out you’re a closet lesbian?

You need to tell them you’re not ready and take a year or few out.
Well I’d never want them to find out about my bisexual feelings- it’d shock and kill them.

the thing is I’ve been postponing this for 3 years now and I can’t delay this any more longer. No excuses any more. I could have found a guy I liked but it’s tough coming from a conservative the option pool is so narrow- he has to be from the same caste, ethnicity etc. Also no girl in my family has married outside. Most of them have accepted arrange marriages with cousins it’s a pretty big deal.
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Tellmegaub
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(Original post by Dunnig Kruger)
But let’s be honest, he doesn’t want to marry me because he’s madly in love with me or attracted to my personality. He wants me for the British passport and so he can come here make tons of money to send back home to his family. It’s a marriage of convenience for the both of us. I’ll be trapped in an arrange marriage where there was never any real passion or love to begin with.

This is morally wrong. You are participating in this person circumventing the UK immigration laws. You have a moral duty to tell the immigration officials that you have no love for each other and that you are doing it merely to keep your family happy, whilst he is doing it for the British passport and right to work in this country.

Full disclosure to the immigration authorities is the moral thing to do.
You should tell the Home Office that you're telling them this in confidence as your family would be unhappy with you if they found out that you'd been open and honest to the UK officials about this.

You being happy to go ahead with the marriage is fine. You keeping important information away from the officials that will make a decision on his visa application is not fine.
Plenty of arrange marriages from back home are like this, this is very common.

In arrange marriages the love is supposed to grow after the wedding. my parents chose him because they feel he will treat me well and he’s the best choice for me
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GGekkoM&A
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Well yeah, obviously it’s wrong to cheat on your husband. You should tell your parents that you’re a bisexual, they probably won’t like it but it is illegal to marry someone just to give them the right to live in the UK and not actually be in a relationship with them. It’s called a sham marriage.
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Tellmegaub
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(Original post by GGekkoM&A)
Well yeah, obviously it’s wrong to cheat on your husband. You should tell your parents that you’re a bisexual, they probably won’t like it but it is illegal to marry someone just to give them the right to live in the UK and not actually be in a relationship with them. It’s called a sham marriage.
According to my parents it’s not a sham marriage. I will grow to love him and it will benefit me having a husband. It’s a typical arrange marriage.

They see him as a decent guy that will take good care me
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GGekkoM&A
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(Original post by Tellmegaub)
According to my parents it’s not a sham marriage. I will grow to love him and it will benefit me having a husband. It’s a typical arrange marriage.
So are you going to live with him and see him everyday?
as Far as I know, most people in the uk who get arranged marriages get a say in the matter and only marry people they actually like. If you don’t like him now then what makes you think you’ll grow to like him? and how do your parents think it will benefit you?

Also so since you’re Pakistani i am assuming that you are from a Muslim family. Is it because of the Islamic views on homosexuality and bisexuality that you want to marry this guy instead of a girl who you’ll actually like?

to me, this seems a bit dodgy, it seems like you’re under a lot of pressure when this should never be the case in such a life-changing decision.
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Dunnig Kruger
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(Original post by Tellmegaub)
Plenty of arrange marriages from back home are like this, this is very common.

In arrange marriages the love is supposed to grow after the wedding. my parents chose him because they feel he will treat me well and he’s the best choice for me
Shoplifting is very common. Doesn't mean to say it's morally right to do it.
Just because something immoral is very common, doesn't make it moral.

The guys at the Home Office are not fools. They know it goes on.
You still have a moral duty for full disclosure and then it's up to the official working for the UK Government whether he gets let in or not.
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Tellmegaub
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(Original post by GGekkoM&A)
So are you going to live with him and see him everyday?
as Far as I know, most people in the uk who get arranged marriages get a say in the matter and only marry people they actually like. If you don’t like him now then what makes you think you’ll grow to like him? and how do your parents think it will benefit you?

Also so since you’re Pakistani i am assuming that you are from a Muslim family. Is it because of the Islamic views on homosexuality and bisexuality that you want to marry this guy instead of a girl who you’ll actually like?

to me, this seems a bit dodgy, it seems like you’re under a lot of pressure when this should never be the case in such a life-changing decision.
Well i don’t want to lose my family over this as I couldn’t cope without them. So that’s why I’m considering accepting the marriage, and having a gf on the side.
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GGekkoM&A
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(Original post by Tellmegaub)
Well i don’t want to lose my family over this as I couldn’t cope without them. So that’s why I’m considering accepting the marriage, and having a gf on the side.
Don’t you think people will find out sooner or later? How do you know this gf won’t tell anyone, because as soon as they tell someone, that someone will tell more people and at some point your husband will find out.

Also, are you going to have children with this husband? Because that is very much expected by Asian and Muslim parents and if you don’t, people will probably get suspicious. And if you do, should you really be having a gf on the side when the children should be the number one priority of any parent?

I feel like there will be a lot of problems with your idea. Even if you do marry this man, the gf idea is quite ridiculous in my opinion and it could absolutely destroy your life if people find out.
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Daigan
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Aren't people like you and your culture the reason why although pakistanis make up about 5% of the country, you cause 30% of the genetic defects due to always marrying your cousins?

You people make me sick with your continual incestuous shenanigans.
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Tellmegaub
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(Original post by Daigan)
Aren't people like you and your culture the reason why although pakistanis make up about 5% of the country, you cause 30% of the genetic defects due to always marrying your cousins?

You people make me sick with your continual incestuous shenanigans.
Blame our backwards parents
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MynameisJenny
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This could be the script for Bend It Like Beckham 2 except it's not about football.
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WaffleApple
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(Original post by Tellmegaub)
So I’m bisexual girl but I prefer girls on a romantic and emotional level. My parents are very strict and are pressuring me to marry my cousin from Pakistan.

I’m considering going ahead with it and accepting my fate as I don’t want to lose my family or cause any shame to them. So please don’t advise me to leave them, and do my own thing as that’s not an option.

However in the back of my mind, I have thought about getting a gf on the side. Someone I can enjoy a passionate relationship with. There are fewer risks involved with a gf- no chance of pregnancies, lower risk of sexual diseases etc and I can even have her cover as a ‘friend’ of mine. We can hang out together as “[email protected]

It’ll be unfair on the guy and I hate that. But let’s be honest, he doesn’t want to marry me because he’s madly in love with me or attracted to my personality. He wants me for the British passport and so he can come here make tons of money to send back home to his family. It’s a marriage of convenience for the both of us. I’ll be trapped in an arrange marriage where there was never any real passion or love to begin with.

I know of many British Pakistani men that get married back home and a have gf on the side in which the community are aware of. But men can get away with murder in our community!!

After chatting to a few girls, I was surprised to discover that plenty of them would not hesitate in dating a married woman. Perhaps it’s the whole forbidden fruit always tastes sweeter.

Or am I just being a selfish heartless *****?!


And before people lose their ****, this scenario is not something I’d likely go ahead with. I’m more likely going to be stuck in a loveless arrange marriage where I’d be loyal to be my husband. But not going to lie , the temptation is always there.
Do you want me to tell you what’s wrong? Marrying your cousin from Pakistan.

Take some control over your life and refuse the arranged marriage. Your family won’t disown you, they won’t kill you out and you won’t lose them over simply taking a year or two out.

If they do disown you (highly unlikely) then it’s there lose and not yours. Do you really want people like that in your life?

You can never change who is your blood relations but you can always make a “new” family!
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MrMusician95
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Yes. I've heard so many stories like this. If you're financially independent then "disappoint" them. Of they're worth anything they'll accept you for who you are. If they don't them they're not worth your time.

Say you go through with this and then want to marry your gf? Then what? Or are you going to hide her from your parents forever?

I wish more Pakistani girls would realise that families that your bring shame to like this aren't worth it.
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Enginerd.
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It's not an arranged marriage if you're being pressured. It's becoming more of a forced marriage in your situation.
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Tamimur
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If your family shames you for rejecting the marriage then they aren't worth keeping.
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