Think my 9 yr relationship is over due to money Watch

Anonymous #1
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We've had lots of fights about money in the past but I've given in 90% of the time and just kept going because I love him and he's not like this about other things.

We moved recently and I've been left unemployed + job searching. We agreed he'd pay the rent initially, although I paid half of all the moving costs, deposit, furniture etc.

However we're now approaching 3 months in and I've not got regular work. I've done my best and I've never been in this position before. I was offered a job but it basically hasn't materialised yet and idk why. As soon as I realised they were messing me around I started looking again and now have another interview + some agency work. But I doubt I'll make more than £400-500 this month.

He s basically said now I need to start paying rent end of. I've been paying bills anyway so it's not like I'm costing him anything extra to living alone. And he takes home 2k a month, our rent + bills total 750 a month.

I just feel like I can't keep doing this. He sits there talking about holidays and buying a house while my savings are dropping like a stone. He feels hard done by having paid out maybe 300 toward my costs when I've spent thousands out of my savings. It's already likely to take me a year to put back what I've spent of my savings. He says he can't save but I don't understand how? he should have 1200+ after rent and bills, if he's not saving imo that's 100% his fault.

I feel totally stuck. I already feel horrible about not working. I could ask to move in with my mum but I'd have to start my job search from scratch and keep paying her board in the meantime. I'm not eligible for any benefits so can't even get JSA to keep afloat.
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Anonymous #2
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He might be using you for money, just so he can be lazy
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Mapleservers
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#3
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Yeah, Sounds like he is definitely using you for money without a doubt...
Demand him to help - If he refuses then he’s just lazy
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Anonymous #3
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He’s a gold digger
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Ashton110
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Gold digger confirmed- He using you for your 💰
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Anonymous #4
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If he's in stable employment and you have been paying bills and other costs, I don't understand what his problem is? This doesn't sound lke what people in relationships do. Ask yourself if your relationship is worth it. He says he can't save but is making enough money to??! He sounds really selfish to be honest.

Try to tell him what you've told us, because 9 years is a long time and if you love each other you should at least try, but it sounds like you're putting in everthing while he's doing nothing, he sounds terrible

(couldn't you tell your mum it's an emergency and you can't give her rent right now?)
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Ashton110
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(Original post by Anonymous)
If he's in stable employment and you have been paying bills and other costs, I don't understand what his problem is? This doesn't sound lke what people in relationships do. Ask yourself if your relationship is worth it. He says he can't save but is making enough money to??! He sounds really selfish to be honest.

Try to tell him what you've told us, because 9 years is a long time and if you love each other you should at least try, but it sounds like you're putting in everthing while he's doing nothing, he sounds terrible

(couldn't you tell your mum it's an emergency and you can't give her rent right now?)
He is 100% Selfish
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Anonymous #1
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(Original post by Anonymous)
If he's in stable employment and you have been paying bills and other costs, I don't understand what his problem is? This doesn't sound lke what people in relationships do. Ask yourself if your relationship is worth it. He says he can't save but is making enough money to??! He sounds really selfish to be honest.

Try to tell him what you've told us, because 9 years is a long time and if you love each other you should at least try, but it sounds like you're putting in everthing while he's doing nothing, he sounds terrible

(couldn't you tell your mum it's an emergency and you can't give her rent right now?)
Thanks for giving an actual helpful response. How on earth he's using me for money when he's been paying for me and consistently earning more idk.

I want to try but I feel like every discussion he just gets mad. I don't get it. It's out of character compared to every other issue, we normally communicate well + he's very selfless in general. He thinks I'm entitled and I think he's just got a chip on his shoulder. I really can't cope as it feels so out of control, money discussions are just him saying how it is and anythimg I say about my feelings causes a huge fight.

I could but I have 10k in savings (for a house deposit) and my mum isn't a big earner so I couldn't in good conscience move in without paying my way.
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Anonymous #2
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Wait - He brings home 2k ?!
That’s more than 65% of the uk alone. ( I don’t even earn half of that and I still pay half )
That dude is seriously a money grabber.
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nexttime
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Its weird that you've been together 9 years and aren't on communal finances. That must be such a headache to keep track of (do you, like, split the grocery bill every time you go shopping? :lolwut: ? ) , plus surely it will cause future problems e.g. he wants to buy a house - if he has more savings than you, is he just going to sit by twiddling his thumbs until you can afford the other half of the deposit? Will he just buy the house himself and charge you rent?! What exactly is your plan here?
Last edited by nexttime; 1 week ago
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Anonymous #4
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(Original post by Anonymous)
Thanks for giving an actual helpful response. How on earth he's using me for money when he's been paying for me and consistently earning more idk.

I want to try but I feel like every discussion he just gets mad. I don't get it. It's out of character compared to every other issue, we normally communicate well + he's very selfless in general. He thinks I'm entitled and I think he's just got a chip on his shoulder. I really can't cope as it feels so out of control, money discussions are just him saying how it is and anythimg I say about my feelings causes a huge fight.

I could but I have 10k in savings (for a house deposit) and my mum isn't a big earner so I couldn't in good conscience move in without paying my way.
Hmm him thinking you're entitled is a problem if you're trying to communicate about this. maybe approach it a different way? Try telling him how it's making you feel and how you're really struggling. Or ask him for help with budgeting or something, so you can show him your money problems and how you need help/can't afford rent right now. Maybe even write him a long detailed letter if talking ends up in fighting, so he can read it when he's calm. Writing it out might help both of you.

Show him you're really looking or a job and hopefully you'll get one soon but I still think he shouldn't be so annoyed, if money is a touchy issue for him is there a reason why? Why does he think you're entitled?
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londonmyst
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It sounds like the relationship is already over.
Your partner is demanding that you pay rent when he knows that it is not possible for you to do this, because you have no regular full time job.
I was treated better than that by my then boyfriend when I turned up at his penthouse apartment as an 18 year old schoolgirl- with £7 in my pocket and my savings all gone.
You are already making as great a financial contribution as it is possible for you to do by paying household bills.
He's acting inconsiderate, greedy and totally unrealistic.
How terrible, particularly after nine years together.
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Anonymous #4
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(Original post by londonmyst)
It sounds like the relationship is already over.
Your partner is demanding that you pay rent when he knows that it is not possible for you to do this, because you have no regular full time job.
I was treated better than that by my then boyfriend when I turned up at his penthouse apartment as an 18 year old schoolgirl- with £7 in my pocket and my savings all gone.
You are already making as great a financial contribution as it is possible for you to do by paying household bills.
He's acting inconsiderate, greedy and totally unrealistic.
How terrible, particularly after nine years together.
how'd you find a guy with a penthouse apartment
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ineedtorevise127
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From what you are saying he does not sound nice. If my partner was unemployed I would support them and help them. I would not expect them to pay for rents when they are not in work. Is he earning a good income?
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londonmyst
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(Original post by Anonymous)
how'd you find a guy with a penthouse apartment
He found me when I was working in a legal firm.
The breakup was sordid and very nasty.
But some of the memories were priceless.
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Anonymous #2
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(Original post by ineedtorevise127)
From what you are saying he does not sound nice. If my partner was unemployed I would support them and help them. I would not expect them to pay for rents when they are not in work. Is he earning a good income?
He earns 2k a week
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Dunnig Kruger
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(Original post by Anonymous)
He earns 2k a week
£2k a month - take home!
We don't have an 80% income tax rate in the UK!

£2k a month is enough for both of them to live comfortably, due to them living somewhere with reasonable rental rates.
I don't know what's up with him? Not helping his girlfriend of 9 years out when she's between jobs. He's acting like a complete jerk. It's at times of stress that you really find out what people are like. And it's not nice in this example.

Leave him when it's convenient for you. Find a better, kinder boyfriend. You will also find work sooner or later. It'd be worth going to the JobCentre to check if you're entitled to anything, such as contributions based Jobseekers allowance. And more importantly to get their careers people to look over your CV and give their advice on it.
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Ciel.
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(Original post by Anonymous)
We've had lots of fights about money in the past but I've given in 90% of the time and just kept going because I love him and he's not like this about other things.

We moved recently and I've been left unemployed + job searching. We agreed he'd pay the rent initially, although I paid half of all the moving costs, deposit, furniture etc.

However we're now approaching 3 months in and I've not got regular work. I've done my best and I've never been in this position before. I was offered a job but it basically hasn't materialised yet and idk why. As soon as I realised they were messing me around I started looking again and now have another interview + some agency work. But I doubt I'll make more than £400-500 this month.

He s basically said now I need to start paying rent end of. I've been paying bills anyway so it's not like I'm costing him anything extra to living alone. And he takes home 2k a month, our rent + bills total 750 a month.

I just feel like I can't keep doing this. He sits there talking about holidays and buying a house while my savings are dropping like a stone. He feels hard done by having paid out maybe 300 toward my costs when I've spent thousands out of my savings. It's already likely to take me a year to put back what I've spent of my savings. He says he can't save but I don't understand how? he should have 1200+ after rent and bills, if he's not saving imo that's 100% his fault.

I feel totally stuck. I already feel horrible about not working. I could ask to move in with my mum but I'd have to start my job search from scratch and keep paying her board in the meantime. I'm not eligible for any benefits so can't even get JSA to keep afloat.
He sounds like an ass. I'd break up with my boyfriend in a heartbeat if he ever demanded any money from me.
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Johndoeskitty
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(Original post by Ciel.)
He sounds like an ass. I'd break up with my boyfriend in a heartbeat if he ever demanded any money from me.
Seconded. My ex would happily pay everything for me and wouldn't dream of asking his girlfriend to cough up $$$. My best friend's boyfriend is paying her tuition right now too because she decided she wanted to change her field. That is a supportive partner.
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YaliaV
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(Original post by Ciel.)
He sounds like an ass. I'd break up with my boyfriend in a heartbeat if he ever demanded any money from me.
I’m sayin’ nowt.

If he isn’t usually like this, then could there be another reason? Maybe he’s really stressed about something else.

Honestly, I don’t know how there isn’t better communication and cohesion after 9 years together. This sounds like something you would encounter towards the beginning of a relationship.
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