Friends...are they really necessary?

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Anonymous #1
#1
Report Thread starter 1 year ago
#1
This sounds very childish, and I will apologise about that before I start.
Recently I have realised that when I hangout with a particular friend group, I have nothing to add to their selected conversations nor am I all that interested in what they are saying.
I have been friends with them all for years, I think I’m going out to see them because I feel obligated or maybe because I don’t like feeling left out, but when I’m with them, I know I am dragging the mood down. I’m passed caring. Which is a bit cruel.
I don’t have many other close friends, clearly I’m not great at making or maintaining them. If I lose this group I will succumb to a hermit lifestyle and I doubt that would be positive in the long run, people need people.
I just feel frustrated ALL the time...and angry. I rather not hurt these friends but if I continue the facade, there’s an increased possibility of my patience breaking and my mouth saying what my mind has been trying to suppress.

I don’t know if I’m asking advice here or just openly ranting. Opinions and advice welcomed.

I don’t want to be alone but I don’t want to be a d*ck either... these seem like the only options atm.
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DrawTheLine
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(Original post by Anonymous)
This sounds very childish, and I will apologise about that before I start.
Recently I have realised that when I hangout with a particular friend group, I have nothing to add to their selected conversations nor am I all that interested in what they are saying.
I have been friends with them all for years, I think I’m going out to see them because I feel obligated or maybe because I don’t like feeling left out, but when I’m with them, I know I am dragging the mood down. I’m passed caring. Which is a bit cruel.
I don’t have many other close friends, clearly I’m not great at making or maintaining them. If I lose this group I will succumb to a hermit lifestyle and I doubt that would be positive in the long run, people need people.
I just feel frustrated ALL the time...and angry. I rather not hurt these friends but if I continue the facade, there’s an increased possibility of my patience breaking and my mouth saying what my mind has been trying to suppress.

I don’t know if I’m asking advice here or just openly ranting. Opinions and advice welcomed.

I don’t want to be alone but I don’t want to be a d*ck either... these seem like the only options atm.
It's not good for you to stay friends with them if you're feeling like this. Put in extra effort to make new friends - join clubs or societies local to you to meet new people, or pick up new hobbies.
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musi24676
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Maybe all of you just drifted apart. This can happen sometimes with long term friends. you all have different interests. Maybe you should keep in touch but make new friends at the same time as well.

(Original post by Anonymous)
This sounds very childish, and I will apologise about that before I start.
Recently I have realised that when I hangout with a particular friend group, I have nothing to add to their selected conversations nor am I all that interested in what they are saying.
I have been friends with them all for years, I think I’m going out to see them because I feel obligated or maybe because I don’t like feeling left out, but when I’m with them, I know I am dragging the mood down. I’m passed caring. Which is a bit cruel.
I don’t have many other close friends, clearly I’m not great at making or maintaining them. If I lose this group I will succumb to a hermit lifestyle and I doubt that would be positive in the long run, people need people.
I just feel frustrated ALL the time...and angry. I rather not hurt these friends but if I continue the facade, there’s an increased possibility of my patience breaking and my mouth saying what my mind has been trying to suppress.

I don’t know if I’m asking advice here or just openly ranting. Opinions and advice welcomed.

I don’t want to be alone but I don’t want to be a d*ck either... these seem like the only options atm.
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Jang Gwangnam
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(Original post by Anonymous)
This sounds very childish, and I will apologise about that before I start.
Recently I have realised that when I hangout with a particular friend group, I have nothing to add to their selected conversations nor am I all that interested in what they are saying.
I have been friends with them all for years, I think I’m going out to see them because I feel obligated or maybe because I don’t like feeling left out, but when I’m with them, I know I am dragging the mood down. I’m passed caring. Which is a bit cruel.
I don’t have many other close friends, clearly I’m not great at making or maintaining them. If I lose this group I will succumb to a hermit lifestyle and I doubt that would be positive in the long run, people need people.
I just feel frustrated ALL the time...and angry. I rather not hurt these friends but if I continue the facade, there’s an increased possibility of my patience breaking and my mouth saying what my mind has been trying to suppress.

I don’t know if I’m asking advice here or just openly ranting. Opinions and advice welcomed.

I don’t want to be alone but I don’t want to be a d*ck either... these seem like the only options atm.
Why not try changing the group motives to something you enjoy and feel it's a good opportunity for them to experience as well. If they still say nah, then you've got your answer; they don't require your presence, you require theirs.
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Anonymous #1
#5
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#5
(Original post by DrawTheLine)
It's not good for you to stay friends with them if you're feeling like this. Put in extra effort to make new friends - join clubs or societies local to you to meet new people, or pick up new hobbies.
I have been trying that but I’ve noticed I make people awkward which in turn makes me uncomfortable. The talking part of all of these situations is where I get stumped, I literally have nothing to say...so I stare or blink at people. And they generally don’t like that...
If friendships could just be about sitting awkwardly in silence, reading or something and just being grateful for the company, I would succeed.
I know I shouldn’t maintain this friendship, I know I am the toxic friend but these are the only people who put up with me.
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Anonymous #1
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(Original post by Jang Gwangnam)
Why not try changing the group motives to something you enjoy and feel it's a good opportunity for them to experience as well. If they still say nah, then you've got your answer; they don't require your presence, you require theirs.
I have already got to this point. They don’t need me, they are better without me. I’m there because it’s custom, some strange ritual where they tell different versions of the same story over and over, until any humour is bled dry.
I require theirs, I am sh*t at making friends and this is all the socialising I get in rl. Which is sad and I should be grateful for what I have, but it’s really not enough.
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Jang Gwangnam
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(Original post by Anonymous)
I have already got to this point. They don’t need me, they are better without me. I’m there because it’s custom, some strange ritual where they tell different versions of the same story over and over, until any humour is bled dry.
I require theirs, I am sh*t at making friends and this is all the socialising I get in rl. Which is sad and I should be grateful for what I have, but it’s really not enough.
I'm not trying to mock you or anything, but your obsession with friends is similar to most (imo caucasian) mens obsession with losing their virginity as fast as possible - there's genuinely no value (besides clout) in fulfilling these things.

What I'm trying to say in the nicest manner possible is that rn it's better if you have no friends - later in life you will meet better people and be able to befriend them, but rn having friends is toxic for you, if you choose to keep up the friendly facade it'll just leave you mentally exhausted with no merit but this non-existent (yet temporary) gratification of being part of a social circle.
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Zoqua
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(Original post by Anonymous)
This sounds very childish, and I will apologise about that before I start.
Recently I have realised that when I hangout with a particular friend group, I have nothing to add to their selected conversations nor am I all that interested in what they are saying.
I have been friends with them all for years, I think I’m going out to see them because I feel obligated or maybe because I don’t like feeling left out, but when I’m with them, I know I am dragging the mood down. I’m passed caring. Which is a bit cruel.
I don’t have many other close friends, clearly I’m not great at making or maintaining them. If I lose this group I will succumb to a hermit lifestyle and I doubt that would be positive in the long run, people need people.
I just feel frustrated ALL the time...and angry. I rather not hurt these friends but if I continue the facade, there’s an increased possibility of my patience breaking and my mouth saying what my mind has been trying to suppress.

I don’t know if I’m asking advice here or just openly ranting. Opinions and advice welcomed.

I don’t want to be alone but I don’t want to be a d*ck either... these seem like the only options atm.
I've already talked about this on other threads, but I've never really been a friends person either.
I don't think you sound childish, I think it would be childish to not talk about this and just continue lying to yourself. I have a large group of people at school who I know and like, but I wouldn't call them friends really, as I don't really share with them at all, it's more of a you help me if I help you relationship. It really depends on the kind of person you are. Some people benefit greatly from having a lot of friends and company, but others can manage just fine on there own. Only you can really know which one of these categories you fit into.

If you are really determined to keep these friends, then try to zone back into the group a bit, try to think about the positives, maybe look up a bit about what they are talking about, trying talking to them 1 to 1, so on, I'm not really sure as I've never been in that situation. If you want to leave the group though, I have two things to say; one, if your not really interested in them, they probably are not interested in you, just also keeping up pretense because they don't want to hurt your feelings. If I where you, just slowly stop talking to them, then hanging around with them, just slowly zone yourself out of their lives, and they might not even notice. Two; if that doesn't work, you can just try telling them how it is. Lying to them about it would be worse than telling them the straight up truth. I don't know how old you are, whether your at university or still at school, but either way these people will probably not matter to you 5 years from now, if your not interested them at the moment. My advice is to just slowly ease yourself out of their company.

Only you know whats best for you though. Have a nice day
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Anonymous #1
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(Original post by Jang Gwangnam)
I'm not trying to mock you or anything, but your obsession with friends is similar to most (imo caucasian) mens obsession with losing their virginity as fast as possible - there's genuinely no value (besides clout) in fulfilling these things.

What I'm trying to say in the nicest manner possible is that rn it's better if you have no friends - later in life you will meet better people and be able to befriend them, but rn having friends is toxic for you, if you choose to keep up the friendly facade it'll just leave you mentally exhausted with no merit but this non-existent (yet temporary) gratification of being part of a social circle.
That is a painful but honest interpretation.
Alright, I will give being a loner a go, you make valid points. I just fear being left behind or missing out on something because I have no connections. It is immature, I’m not foolish enough to not notice that. But I don’t want to be obsessive... especially in such a negative way.
I want people to want me to be around... just like I want to want others around. I don’t want to force it...
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XKangaotiCX
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(Original post by Anonymous)
That is a painful but honest interpretation.
Alright, I will give being a loner a go, you make valid points. I just fear being left behind or missing out on something because I have no connections. It is immature, I’m not foolish enough to not notice that. But I don’t want to be obsessive... especially in such a negative way.
I want people to want me to be around... just like I want to want others around. I don’t want to force it...
Whilst I agree you definitely need a break from the group of friends you are currently hanging out with, it's not too healthy mentally to be a "hermit" (as you put it,) in your room and not talk to anyone. If you are by yourself for too long, socialising will be a great struggle, and I would know, I've been there. I would suggest just getting out there, talk to people, see if you can click with people and find people who share your interests.I know it's a hell of a lot harder than it sounds, but it really is worth trying. Life without relationships and connections with people is lonely and ultimately very sad.
Anyway, best of luck mate, hope you find a friend/s who you are content with.
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Msbrownie.xo
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(Original post by Anonymous)
This sounds very childish, and I will apologise about that before I start.
Recently I have realised that when I hangout with a particular friend group, I have nothing to add to their selected conversations nor am I all that interested in what they are saying.
I have been friends with them all for years, I think I’m going out to see them because I feel obligated or maybe because I don’t like feeling left out, but when I’m with them, I know I am dragging the mood down. I’m passed caring. Which is a bit cruel.
I don’t have many other close friends, clearly I’m not great at making or maintaining them. If I lose this group I will succumb to a hermit lifestyle and I doubt that would be positive in the long run, people need people.
I just feel frustrated ALL the time...and angry. I rather not hurt these friends but if I continue the facade, there’s an increased possibility of my patience breaking and my mouth saying what my mind has been trying to suppress.

I don’t know if I’m asking advice here or just openly ranting. Opinions and advice welcomed.

I don’t want to be alone but I don’t want to be a d*ck either... these seem like the only options atm.
stop hanging out with them and work on bettering yourself. dont like tell them you dont wanna be friends, but just slowly leave the group and still be friendly when you have to be so ur not a complete loner - good luck x
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modifiedgenes
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You don't need these friends, but certainly some friends can be a big help in life.
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Death Machine
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Have friends that are smart and hang around them a lot it will help you become smarter and they will be there for you. Trust me.
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Anonymous #2
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No, I don't think they're strictly necessary. I haven't had anyone I'd call a 'friend' since my GCSE days: I stopped relying on other people to make me happy. At 24, I don't have any friends, nor a relationship, and I don't bother having social contact with anyone outside of working on projects at work/holding the door open for people. If I depended on other people for my own happiness, I'd be perpetually miserable and lonely. Instead, I focus on starting and finishing my own personal projects, improving my body, and achieving the goals I set myself. That's what makes me truly happy: setting short and long-term goals and enjoying the process involved in achieving those goals and the sense of accomplishment that follows.
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modifiedgenes
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The only problem with having no friends or real social contact is that you can lose a lot of the social skills that are usually essential in your working life with obvious consequences for your career and success later on in life.
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SoulfulTwist
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In the long term, you would be better off with a few friends at least. Maybe you cannot add to their life but they can add to yours surely in some way? But at the same time holding on to friends can impact you negatively too.
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frostfly
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I think it's more about having the right friends rather than not having any friends at all. I'm sure there are other people out there who you will find interesting to hang out with. Maybe join a society that you like - you're bound to find people who have similar interests as you.
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Allie4
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no they're not for everyone

and by the sounds of it you have befriended the wrong types of people
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Justvisited
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(Original post by modifiedgenes)
The only problem with having no friends or real social contact is that you can lose a lot of the social skills that are usually essential in your working life with obvious consequences for your career and success later on in life.
This is true if pressed to an extreme, i.e. no friends/contacts at all; but it only takes a slight amount of this to keep you from going socially 'rusty' as far as working life is concerned. Meanwhile at the other extreme, people who spend huge amounts of time going to let-in-all-hang-down parties and the like, may find themselves getting too dissipated to be attractive prospects for potential employers who do require demonstrably disciplined character....
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Vashti02
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I understand this so much. Sometimes though, when you surround yourself with the wrong people they make you feel like you've lost yourself, they make you feel lonely because you just feel so unrelateable. I'd advice you to slowly distance yourself from them BUT as you do so, gravitate toward another group of people. Join a club, or a society if you're still at university. If you just leave you will feel isolated and that can take a tole on you.

Some people here are saying just don't have any friends because it works for them, but the truth is it makes you unsociable, and doesn't allow you exercise being sociable which is already a problem for our generation because of technology and social media. It's not a good way to be, you cannot grow well without other people who are close to you.

Everything is temporary, but only if you know how to let go. By making new friends and letting go of these ones you can find yourself in a better space.

Friends teach you more about yourself, point out things you otherwise wouldn't be aware of. They challenge you to be patient, forgiving, generous etc, and as cheesy as this sounds, how else would you practise those things if you had no friends?

There are so many great people out there, just put yourself in new spaces and get out of your comfort zone. Try something new.
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