Please rate my short story! :) Watch

Natalia C
Badges: 3
Rep:
?
#1
Report Thread starter 3 weeks ago
#1
So this is a really short story that I wrote for practice for the Language Paper 1 - Q5
Please give me a rating out of 10 and some possible improvements.
I know It's quite short but that's the best I can come up with in the time given in the exam.
Enjoy.
Attached files
0
reply
Tootles
Badges: 20
#2
Report 3 weeks ago
#2
Language too flowery. Spelling mistakes. Stop mashing fancy words into the doument and just tell a bloody story.
reply
Natalia C
Badges: 3
Rep:
?
#3
Report Thread starter 3 weeks ago
#3
(Original post by Tootles)
Language too flowery. Spelling mistakes. Stop mashing fancy words into the doument and just tell a bloody story.
Got it thanks !
0
reply
username4477194
Badges: 12
Rep:
?
#4
Report 3 weeks ago
#4
It's good but make sure to read at the end of what you wrote ill give it a 5/10
0
reply
awkwardshortguy
Badges: 16
Rep:
?
#5
Report 3 weeks ago
#5
I haven't read it but yes
0
reply
Natalia C
Badges: 3
Rep:
?
#6
Report Thread starter 3 weeks ago
#6
(Original post by Beth xxx)
It's good but make sure to read at the end of what you wrote ill give it a 5/10
I'm like a grade 5 in English, you gotta give me a hand here. I've re-read it, I can't see the mistake, however I'm sure you're probably right..... Where is it?
0
reply
username4477194
Badges: 12
Rep:
?
#7
Report 3 weeks ago
#7
(Original post by Natalia C)
I'm like a grade 5 in English, you gotta give me a hand here. I've re-read it, I can't see the mistake, however I'm sure you're probably right..... Where is it?
Don't worry I re- read it and I like it (I'm a grade 4 in English) but I give it a 9/10
0
reply
lavender_rose
Badges: 19
Rep:
?
#8
Report 3 weeks ago
#8
(Original post by Natalia C)
So this is a really short story that I wrote for practice for the Language Paper 1 - Q5
Please give me a rating out of 10 and some possible improvements.
I know It's quite short but that's the best I can come up with in the time given in the exam.
Enjoy.
I have done a few annotations in read for how I believe the piece can be improved, of course this is just my opinion and you may not agree with all of my corrections. I would say it seems like a really interesting story and it does leave me wanting to find out what happens next, I would just say it's some of the grammar and spelling letting it down so I would probably give it a 6 because of that. Having said that I think if it was really polished you would have a great story there. (p.s. there is a potentially that some of my changes may not make sense but of course I just had to image the story you were trying to tell).
Attached files
0
reply
lavender_rose
Badges: 19
Rep:
?
#9
Report 3 weeks ago
#9
(Original post by Tootles)
Language too flowery. Spelling mistakes. Stop mashing fancy words into the doument and just tell a bloody story.
Hahaha you sound like one of my history teachers, no mercy.
0
reply
Tootles
Badges: 20
#10
Report 3 weeks ago
#10
(Original post by lavender_rose)
Hahaha you sound like one of my history teachers, no mercy.
Well, I'm actually a novelist, and I had to unlearn a lot of the stuff I learned in school in order to make my work any good. Teachers often seem teach you that lots of long words are a substitute for actual creativity, but if you're telling a story, make the writing simple. For exmaple, why would you say the domesticated feline reclined on the Axminster when the cat sat on the mat would do the same job?
reply
Natalia C
Badges: 3
Rep:
?
#11
Report Thread starter 3 weeks ago
#11
(Original post by lavender_rose)
I have done a few annotations in read for how I believe the piece can be improved, of course this is just my opinion and you may not agree with all of my corrections. I would say it seems like a really interesting story and it does leave me wanting to find out what happens next, I would just say it's some of the grammar and spelling letting it down so I would probably give it a 6 because of that. Having said that I think if it was really polished you would have a great story there. (p.s. there is a potentially that some of my changes may not make sense but of course I just had to image the story you were trying to tell).
Thank you so much! I love it, some of the words you've changed were actually the ones i used in the first place, but you're right they sound much better. I love it, and yet again thank you!
0
reply
lavender_rose
Badges: 19
Rep:
?
#12
Report 3 weeks ago
#12
(Original post by Tootles)
Well, I'm actually a novelist, and I had to unlearn a lot of the stuff I learned in school in order to make my work any good. Teachers often seem teach you that lots of long words are a substitute for actual creativity, but if you're telling a story, make the writing simple. For exmaple, why would you say the domesticated feline reclined on the Axminster when the cat sat on the mat would do the same job?
I agree with your point. But I also had a good chuckle at your comment because you definitely come across as a person that doesn't pussyfoot around, I liked how straight to the point it was. What genre do you specialise in?
0
reply
lavender_rose
Badges: 19
Rep:
?
#13
Report 3 weeks ago
#13
(Original post by Natalia C)
Thank you so much! I love it, some of the words you've changed were actually the ones i used in the first place, but you're right they sound much better. I love it, and yet again thank you!
You're welcome, glad you like it and that I was able to help. It's funny that sometimes it just take a different set of eyes to help. Good luck for the exam!
1
reply
Tootles
Badges: 20
#14
Report 3 weeks ago
#14
(Original post by lavender_rose)
I agree with your point. But I also had a good chuckle at your comment because you definitely come across as a person that doesn't pussyfoot around, I liked how straight to the point it was. What genre do you specialise in?
I should probably rein that in a little, I'm hoping to actually go and teach secondary school English...

Sci-fi/fantasy
reply
lavender_rose
Badges: 19
Rep:
?
#15
Report 3 weeks ago
#15
(Original post by Tootles)
I should probably rein that in a little, I'm hoping to actually go and teach secondary school English...

Sci-fi/fantasy
Probably for the best once you get in the classroom, you don't want little Johnny running home crying to his mum. Ooohh, sounds interesting are you selling any books at the moment? My sister is into writing too, she completed an English degree.
0
reply
Tootles
Badges: 20
#16
Report 3 weeks ago
#16
(Original post by lavender_rose)
Probably for the best once you get in the classroom, you don't want little Johnny running home crying to his mum. Ooohh, sounds interesting are you selling any books at the moment? My sister is into writing too, she completed an English degree.
I am, yes. I've got six books out and am sitting on the first couple of books of a YA urban fantasy series set in Manchester. I've got other ideas I'm working on slowly.

Spoiler:
Show
BTW I failed my English GCSE
reply
lavender_rose
Badges: 19
Rep:
?
#17
Report 3 weeks ago
#17
I think the way the education system is structured has some serious flaws, it seems as it is just an elaborate memory test. You selling on amazon, WHS or anywhere easily accessible?
0
reply
RivalPlayer
Badges: 14
Rep:
?
#18
Report 2 weeks ago
#18
It's like the written version of an '80s new wave music video.
0
reply
X

Quick Reply

Attached files
Write a reply...
Reply
new posts
Latest
My Feed

See more of what you like on
The Student Room

You can personalise what you see on TSR. Tell us a little about yourself to get started.

Personalise

Where do you need more help?

Which Uni should I go to? (89)
16.57%
How successful will I become if I take my planned subjects? (55)
10.24%
How happy will I be if I take this career? (96)
17.88%
How do I achieve my dream Uni placement? (81)
15.08%
What should I study to achieve my dream career? (54)
10.06%
How can I be the best version of myself? (162)
30.17%

Watched Threads

View All