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Joeyyyy9781
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Not experienced with poetry as a medium but would consider myself competent at using the English language
Any constructive feedback is appreciated, you don’t need to be an expert

Sit with me under the light of the Moon (TITLE)

Never would I dare try and paint your face,
For I could never capture it’s undying grace.

Never would I dare try and frame your smile,
With wisdom that it is a moment in time; not a style.

Never would I dare try and describe with word your heart,
For it is as undefinable and interpretable as art

Here we sit under the light of the moon,
Enjoying the final hours of June.
Here we sit timelessly for all to see,
This experience could never be relived or articulated for me.


Language is merely a barrier to expressing how I feel; it’s true,
Actions better represent my affection towards you.
So take me by the hand; my dearest friend,
Kiss me now and let’s transcend.

I would never put this moment’s sanctity in jeopardy,
Blessed only to live on in our memory.
Last edited by Joeyyyy9781; 7 months ago
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liquidconfidence
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STOLEN
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Anotheranon
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Hey this is a really nice start! Please keep going with your poetry, practise makes perfect and you certainly have lots of potential. I'm certainly no expert in any of this, but here's a couple observations I made-

- each line of your poem has a different number of syllables, and this isn't done intentionally. Try to be careful with the no of syllables per line, really put some thought into it and how it effects the rhythm of the poem.
- I love the theme of inarticulation- amazing
- Some of the rhymes feel really forced, this poem would be so much better free verse
- couple clichés, particularly the title
- last two stanzas- weakest. You say way too much, leave a little mystery. Ending was very weak and seemed to go off topic.

Please feel free to ignore all this, it's just what I thought. It's still a really great start, please keep going.
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frogglet
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I like the ideas, but I think it's more of a song.
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Joeyyyy9781
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I really appreciate the reply Some of the rhymes are a little forced I definitely agree, just wanted to give it a little bit of a sing song kind of rhythm, and it’s definitely a bit cliche. Appreciate the comment on the last two staza’s, funnily enough they were my favourite haha, but thank you very much
Last edited by Joeyyyy9781; 7 months ago
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Joeyyyy9781
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So I made a second version of the poem, with 10 syllables per line and no rhyming scheme what do you think?

I would never attempt to frame that smile,

Your ethereal aura can’t be drawn.
As a butterfly leaves it’s chrysalis,
Beauty is retained through it’s rarity.

We sit in awe of chances’ creation
Enjoying the final flirting’s of dusk.
This experience couldn’t be relived,
Or articulated in any form.

Mutual understanding without words,
Like the unspoken truth of the front line.
So fiery our love that time melts away,
Dissipating with the light of sunset.

Speech doesn’t have a place in this moment,
Nothing but the tender touch of our skin



(Original post by Anotheranon)
Hey this is a really nice start! Please keep going with your poetry, practise makes perfect and you certainly have lots of potential. I'm certainly no expert in any of this, but here's a couple observations I made-

- each line of your poem has a different number of syllables, and this isn't done intentionally. Try to be careful with the no of syllables per line, really put some thought into it and how it effects the rhythm of the poem.
- I love the theme of inarticulation- amazing
- Some of the rhymes feel really forced, this poem would be so much better free verse
- couple clichés, particularly the title
- last two stanzas- weakest. You say way too much, leave a little mystery. Ending was very weak and seemed to go off topic.

Please feel free to ignore all this, it's just what I thought. It's still a really great start, please keep going.
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