The Student Room Group

Relationship, sex, mental health

Ok here's the story.

I'm messed up with serious mental health problems that aren't even close to getting sorted out and I have issues with sex, I was raped as a virgin and haven't had sex since and have completely freaked out and closed up/been traumatised when I've come close before.

However, there's a new guy in the picture. I met him at work; I am not at the same work anymore but I live across the road from that job so he's been round to see me like all the time. We talked a lot and he's been great, really supportive. BUT he a)lives with his girlfriend and b)i'm moving to Leeds in September (we currently live in London). Now he's just texted me saying he thinks he's gona spilt with his girlfriend which obviously leaves the door open for us.

BUT wait a minute, i said to myself that i wouldn't ge attached to anyone until i was more stable and happier in myself and until i was in Leeds because i don't want to be tied down and attached in a long distance relationship in my fresher's year (I'm 18!).

Any ideas what i should do? I'm terrfied about facing the sex stuff, but I can't aviod it forever right?
Forget the past now. You have a clear, bright future ahead of you. And yes avoid being too hooked with that guy, who knows you'll find someone at uni. Enjoy your time at uni and be open minded. Don't be terrified, have patience with your work and personal life and you'll be ok. Avoid worry with your mental problems, they should pass off in time if you apply yourself to other work with a good, straight forward mind. I wish you all the best success in life.
Well i wouldnt worry about the sexual aspect yet i mean your not even properly together. Does he like you ? ldr can work if you both put the effort in and after a while when you feel comfrotable with him tell him about your past and your anxieties about it. You cant really avoid doing that if you have issues because hell know somehting is wrong anyway so its best to tell him and sort it out. not all boys are evil disgusting pigs thankfully.
it seems good he's come in your life to be supportive to you and ims ure thats been a big help but you do need to move on and try and look more hopefully to the future.. and besides just rmemebr any decent guy would never wanna rush youa n would wanna understand that anything sexual would be hard for you for a long time and if anyone is otherwise then dont stand for it. Also s said above perhaps its not a good diea to get too clsoe ot thsi guy as ur going unia nd surely you'll meet alot of new people there..
Reply 4
rikesh
Forget the past now. You have a clear, bright future ahead of you. And yes avoid being too hooked with that guy, who knows you'll find someone at uni. Enjoy your time at uni and be open minded. Don't be terrified, have patience with your work and personal life and you'll be ok. Avoid worry with your mental problems, they should pass off in time if you apply yourself to other work with a good, straight forward mind. I wish you all the best success in life.


Wow thank you. I love a bit of positivity sometimes, I wish my friends talked like you! :smile: And I am learning and it is getting better.
Reply 5
Such good advice people! He actually already knows and yeh I'm pretty sure we feel the same way about each other. I'd just be really worried that I couldn't assert myself if I felt like it was too much and that I would end up getting too attached and I would rely on him or not have any of my own time and space.
The best approach is to share your insecurities with him. He'll respect you a lot more for that and it will make it a lot easier for both of you, both in the short and long term. Be open and honest. You'll be fine, good luck :smile: :hugs:
I was raped as a virgin too, and i was so worried about sex with the boyfriend after that. we weren't together for long before i explained what happened to him (i have nightmares and talk/squirm a lot which needed explaining) and we waited for quite a long time until we had sex. by the time it came around i was completely at ease with him and i felt so totally safe knowing he would understand and look after me if anything went wrong.
surprisingly i've had more issues with sex (related to the abuse) during other times than that first time. i think it was just because i gave it enough time and got comfortable enough with him to really want to do it that it went so well. if i'd have rushed myself I think I would have really regretted it, likewise if I hadn't felt we were in love and that we truly cared about one another.

to be honest i'd advise you to wait. the last thing you want to do is make your first real experience with sex something you'll regret. please, take the time to feel safe and secure in a relationship first.
As a guy, i would never rush any girl who had been in your situation. If you do happen to start a relationship with him and he does care for you, i dont think he would rush you so dont worry too much about the sex stuff.
Reply 9
Read Ian McEwan's 'On Chesil Beach'..amazing short novel...very similar situation! A must read.

Good luck with everything.
An erection problem is the inability to get or maintain an erection that is firm enough for a man to have satisfactory intercourse. You may be unable to get an erection at all, or you may lose the erection during intercourse before you are ready. If the condition persists, the medical term is erectile dysfunction.
To cure erection problem go through the ED treatment.Generic cialis pills which is more popular for ED treatment.Which help you to reduce you erection problem.Generic cialis pills are magical pills help ti achive proper erection.
1) How old is this guy? Age can have a huge effect on how he will deal with your situation
2) If he has just come out of a relationship, wouldn't it be better to wait for a few months so as to avoid being a re-bound and to let him get over losing her?
3) How do you think you would cope having him as a full-time bf, to having him as a very limited bf when you move to uni? You say you are scared of getting too attached, and I know that the uni distance could help ease that, but if you do become attached, you may not want to go to uni. Don't let a relationship muck up your future!!!

What Im saying is, if you feel that you are 'unstable' (as such), then wouldn't it be better to opt for something more stable when you get to uni? I've had the head-f*cks of going from a local relationship to a long-distance relationship, and believe me, IT IS HARD! :frown:
Reply 12
I would try to stay clear of him until his gf is completely off of the scene-easier said than done! You have to bear in mind that he will need to take time to re-adjust to being single.

As for a LDR during university-that is something that you will have to decide. Can you cope with going from all to nothing but a few crumbs of love?
playlislay is right, stay well clear until all dust has settled. But LDR's at Uni can and do work if there is real love there. My sister managed it, but I think it only suits some people if you know what I mean
Reply 14
A_Fictitious
playlislay is right, stay well clear until all dust has settled. But LDR's at Uni can and do work if there is real love there. My sister managed it, but I think it only suits some people if you know what I mean


It suits those that don't get too attached or reliant on a partner. My cousin, who likes her own space/time/not clingy etc couldn't even handle a long distance, so I dont know how old pinky will do :eek3: