Parent(s) pushing too hard? Watch

Anonymous #1
#1
Report Thread starter 7 months ago
#1
So this goes back several years, but really escalated this year - my gap year. My parents have always pushed me through GCSEs and A Levels.

Last results day I got ABC in my A Levels - this wasn’t enough to get into the Uni of my choice. I’d wanted a Gap year anyway and told my Mum - however the first thing she did was get me to apply to other Unis through clearing. There was no ‘well done on your A’, ‘you tried your best’ - it was just sheer anger and disappointment on her part. I can partially understand her view (she paid for tutoring on the subjects I got B and C in) but it was horrible getting those results then having nobody to say ‘it’s okay’ or offer support.

I got a place at a reasonably prestigious Uni through clearing, then turned it down. My parents were mollified because they could see ‘I’d tried’ and I persuaded them to let me take a Gap year by offering to redo the exam I got C in. After some persuasion they agreed.

This gap year has been key for me - I’ve discovered the career that really interests me, learnt to drive and aren’t money from a job. However I find myself becoming more and more demotivated with the A Level I’m supposed to be retaking, and procrastinating doing any form of studying. I’ll spend an hour or more ‘getting up’ in the morning or ‘having a shower’ and completely lose track of time.

As you can imagine, this makes my Mum pretty angry. She’s paying for my tuition again this year, and she resents that her money is being spent on it - a fact she makes clear to me. When I suggested she stop, she told me if I didn’t have the tuition I wouldn’t stand a chance of getting the grade I need.

Fast forward to now - it’s my birthday and I’m having the day ‘off’. I spent the morning relaxing while my mum was at work. We’d agreed we’d go out for the afternoon and celebrate - however, when she got back I wasn’t ready to go out. She was furious - going on about how selfish I am and how she’s juggled her day around to plan everything around me. I’m genuinely terrified to go downstairs now because she’ll start up again - small, endless barbed remarks designed to get a reply out of me. When I don’t reply, she makes another one - when I do, she calls me rude and I get ‘sanctions’

I’m at my wits end and have no idea what to do. She’s really controlling - I have to get up at 7am every morning, treat every day like a school day, not allowed to use certain websites, set bedtime, not allowed to use the computer and phone banned upstairs 24/7 and not allowed it until the evening after I’ve ‘done all my work’ for the day. If I do anything she considers rude, disrespectful or (in my opinion) disagreeing with her views it’s banned for the day, and possibly longer.

There’s so much distrust between us - I’m now 19 and I don’t want to be monitored all the time. I have no clue what to do/ how to act and it’s seriously messing with my state of mind and life.

I’m sorry for the huge post, but if anyone has advice I’d really, really appreciate it.
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cheesecakelove
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#2
Report 7 months ago
#2
(Original post by Anonymous)
So this goes back several years, but really escalated this year - my gap year. My parents have always pushed me through GCSEs and A Levels.

Last results day I got ABC in my A Levels - this wasn’t enough to get into the Uni of my choice. I’d wanted a Gap year anyway and told my Mum - however the first thing she did was get me to apply to other Unis through clearing. There was no ‘well done on your A’, ‘you tried your best’ - it was just sheer anger and disappointment on her part. I can partially understand her view (she paid for tutoring on the subjects I got B and C in) but it was horrible getting those results then having nobody to say ‘it’s okay’ or offer support.

I got a place at a reasonably prestigious Uni through clearing, then turned it down. My parents were mollified because they could see ‘I’d tried’ and I persuaded them to let me take a Gap year by offering to redo the exam I got C in. After some persuasion they agreed.

This gap year has been key for me - I’ve discovered the career that really interests me, learnt to drive and aren’t money from a job. However I find myself becoming more and more demotivated with the A Level I’m supposed to be retaking, and procrastinating doing any form of studying. I’ll spend an hour or more ‘getting up’ in the morning or ‘having a shower’ and completely lose track of time.

As you can imagine, this makes my Mum pretty angry. She’s paying for my tuition again this year, and she resents that her money is being spent on it - a fact she makes clear to me. When I suggested she stop, she told me if I didn’t have the tuition I wouldn’t stand a chance of getting the grade I need.

Fast forward to now - it’s my birthday and I’m having the day ‘off’. I spent the morning relaxing while my mum was at work. We’d agreed we’d go out for the afternoon and celebrate - however, when she got back I wasn’t ready to go out. She was furious - going on about how selfish I am and how she’s juggled her day around to plan everything around me. I’m genuinely terrified to go downstairs now because she’ll start up again - small, endless barbed remarks designed to get a reply out of me. When I don’t reply, she makes another one - when I do, she calls me rude and I get ‘sanctions’

I’m at my wits end and have no idea what to do. She’s really controlling - I have to get up at 7am every morning, treat every day like a school day, not allowed to use certain websites, set bedtime, not allowed to use the computer and phone banned upstairs 24/7 and not allowed it until the evening after I’ve ‘done all my work’ for the day. If I do anything she considers rude, disrespectful or (in my opinion) disagreeing with her views it’s banned for the day, and possibly longer.

There’s so much distrust between us - I’m now 19 and I don’t want to be monitored all the time. I have no clue what to do/ how to act and it’s seriously messing with my state of mind and life.

I’m sorry for the huge post, but if anyone has advice I’d really, really appreciate it.
You mention that you did get a place at a good university through clearing - what were your reasons for turning it down?

I can see where your parents are coming from (although their actions may be too much) - they put in a lot of money for your tuition when you were studying the first time, as well as your tuition for retakes, that they want to see you are taking things seriously and putting a lot of effort in so their money goes to waste. If you are procrastinating and not being motivated to work, this could explain the way they are reacting.

It's great that you figured out what you want to do with your life - what career are you looking to go into and have you talked about this with your parents? Perhaps making them realise you do have a plan in mind and are motivated to work towards it will help put their minds at ease. Is it necessary for you to redo your A-Level to get to the next stage of your study/career plans? If you are earning money, perhaps you can contribute to your tuition rather than your parents?
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yzanne
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#3
Report 7 months ago
#3
(Original post by Anonymous)
So this goes back several years, but really escalated this year - my gap year. My parents have always pushed me through GCSEs and A Levels.

Last results day I got ABC in my A Levels - this wasn’t enough to get into the Uni of my choice. I’d wanted a Gap year anyway and told my Mum - however the first thing she did was get me to apply to other Unis through clearing. There was no ‘well done on your A’, ‘you tried your best’ - it was just sheer anger and disappointment on her part. I can partially understand her view (she paid for tutoring on the subjects I got B and C in) but it was horrible getting those results then having nobody to say ‘it’s okay’ or offer support.

I got a place at a reasonably prestigious Uni through clearing, then turned it down. My parents were mollified because they could see ‘I’d tried’ and I persuaded them to let me take a Gap year by offering to redo the exam I got C in. After some persuasion they agreed.

This gap year has been key for me - I’ve discovered the career that really interests me, learnt to drive and aren’t money from a job. However I find myself becoming more and more demotivated with the A Level I’m supposed to be retaking, and procrastinating doing any form of studying. I’ll spend an hour or more ‘getting up’ in the morning or ‘having a shower’ and completely lose track of time.

As you can imagine, this makes my Mum pretty angry. She’s paying for my tuition again this year, and she resents that her money is being spent on it - a fact she makes clear to me. When I suggested she stop, she told me if I didn’t have the tuition I wouldn’t stand a chance of getting the grade I need.

Fast forward to now - it’s my birthday and I’m having the day ‘off’. I spent the morning relaxing while my mum was at work. We’d agreed we’d go out for the afternoon and celebrate - however, when she got back I wasn’t ready to go out. She was furious - going on about how selfish I am and how she’s juggled her day around to plan everything around me. I’m genuinely terrified to go downstairs now because she’ll start up again - small, endless barbed remarks designed to get a reply out of me. When I don’t reply, she makes another one - when I do, she calls me rude and I get ‘sanctions’

I’m at my wits end and have no idea what to do. She’s really controlling - I have to get up at 7am every morning, treat every day like a school day, not allowed to use certain websites, set bedtime, not allowed to use the computer and phone banned upstairs 24/7 and not allowed it until the evening after I’ve ‘done all my work’ for the day. If I do anything she considers rude, disrespectful or (in my opinion) disagreeing with her views it’s banned for the day, and possibly longer.

There’s so much distrust between us - I’m now 19 and I don’t want to be monitored all the time. I have no clue what to do/ how to act and it’s seriously messing with my state of mind and life.

I’m sorry for the huge post, but if anyone has advice I’d really, really appreciate it.
I agree with the comment below - they seem to have given you quite an educated response I would say. I think you should sit down with her and have a proper good chat - communication is always key in these kinds of situations - how else is she to know that you're an adult and should be making your own choices at this age? Explain gently to her that although you appreciate her help, you are now an adult - you are responsible enough to take matters into your own hands - if you fail, it's your fault, and you will get yourself out of the mess because, ultimately, it's your life & your future!

Try and keep a cool head about it - she seems more protective than controlling, though I understand that may be difficult for you to grasp when you feel annoyed by her 'help'.

Actions speak louder than words, remember - so once you've spoken to her, prove to her that you are in control, you have motivation to work and you will try to get this grade. Only you can work on yourself so you HAVE to force yourself if this is something you really want. Keep pushing; only 4 more months of pain: then you come out with a grade that will help you for the rest of your life!
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