Why does he not want me like he wanted other guys?

Hey guys. In a bit of a **** situation and I just wanted to have some of your opinions please. :smile:

So I'm a guy in my early 20's and I've been with my boyfriend, who is almost 40, for about 10 months. We met online and instantly hit it off when we met in person. We're both easy going good people (not blowing my own trumpet - lol) and are the type that would do anything for anyone if they needed help of any kind, which is something I find really attractive. We see each other every other day for the first couple of months and it was pretty good, we got on really well and liked pretty much the same things, plus the sex was really good too. So from about 10 weeks in, we started to have sex less and less which started to get a little frustrating to me. I'm not some sex pest or have a particularly high sex drive, but I just wanted to have sex with my boyfriend like once a day at least, because to me he's the hottest guy in the world and I love him.

So, 10 months down the line, I've been basically living here for 4/5 months now, I do most of the house jobs and cook / clean - which I don't mind doing at all. But we have sex once, maybe twice (if I'm lucky) a week now, which isn't really cool with me. Now this is a problem to me because before he met me, he would meet and have sex with guys on Grindr and other apps AT LEAST two/three times a week, and he would go on holidays with his friends and **** people in hotels or outdoors or go to orgies and stuff. He's slept with well over 1000 people, and I know that for a fact because I've seen the amount of contacts he has in his phone, plus he's not the type that would exaggerate or lie, and I've gotten the gist from his best friends what he was like too.

Now his past isn't what bothers me, its the fact that he's been with so many people and done so much, yet he hardly wants to make a move on me or have sex / make love to me. This makes me jealous and jealously is a trait which I don't like in people. I never used to be like this, I never got jealous of anything, I'm always happy for whatever people have or the life that they live and nothing ever bothered me. I'm always a happy guy and got on with everyone.
If he ever checks another guy out in person or makes a comment about someone on tv, I get the hump and don't wanna talk to him because I see it as he would have sex with them if he had the chance and be bothered to do things with them. He knows I'm insecure but still does things like that. But being in this situation is making me seriously miserable and upset. I'm not the soft type that cries all the time (not that there is a problem with people who are), but I can't help but let this bother and upset me, and it literally is driving me insane.

So for example when we go to bed, I'll make a move on him like to kiss him and touch him, then he just wants to turn over to spoon and go to sleep. There's no effort and he always says he's tired / not in the mood. Sex only ever happens when he's in the mood (which is kind of selfish and not fair to me). So I tried to combat this by not bothering with him as much and not making moves on him, etc. This didn't really work and nothing changed. Now every night when we go to bed, if he doesn't make a move I then get the hump because it makes me feel like he's not bothered about me and would rather **** other guys all the time like he used to than want to with me. Then we end up arguing because I don't understand it and it goes around in circles every single day, which is seriously draining. We both don't want to argue with each other but this never gets resolved and he doesn't even try to change for me.

I'm just tired of feeling like I'm not enough and that he doesn't want me like he used to want all them other guys. It really upsets me because I just feel worthless, unattractive and like I'll never be enough because my own boyfriend who used to have sex with people all the time and has been with so many guys, doesn't want to with me. If I ever mention anything sexual or suggest something that I'd like to try he cuts me off straight away and always says no. There's no give or take with him in that respect which is selfish, whereas if there was something he wanted to try I would 100% try it for him, but because he's been there and done it all he won't try it for me.

Even though he is selfish in that way, he is a very caring and generous guy, he would do anything for me - but he would rather just cuddle in bed than have sex. I know he hasn't cheated on me or anything like that because I'm literally with him nearly all the time, so that's not the issue. He does say that I'm sexy and hot etc, but then I'm like well I cant be sexy or anything because you never want to have sex with me.

What do you guys think? I dunno what to do anymore because I've tried everything. I've asked some of my friends who are all straight talking and would tell me if I'm in the wrong, but they all see it from my side and agree with me that its unfair. Hope you guys can help me see it in a better way. Thanks :smile:

Reply 1

Pheobe.whitt

In a relationship you should never feel this way about yourself, especially if he’s the one making you feel this way- it’s toxic
I’m not going to lie I have no experience with this but it’s clear you need help, you say you’d do many things for him but he doesn’t return the favour. It shouldn’t have to be like this, relationships are all give and take- in equal amounts, from the sound of this and I may of interpreted this wrong, you don’t seem happy anymore, talk to him about the way you feel and if nothing comes of it, I’d starting thinking about your options.

I really hope this helps 😊 PM if you need someone to talk to about it more 😊

Reply 2

Anonymous #2

I think it might be the age gap. Seems like he’s had his “fun” and wants a more of non eventful/calm?/boring type of day.

Reply 3

Anonymous #1

Thanks for the replies guys!

Phoebe Whitt = Thank you for your reply! It makes me feel a lot better when people see my point, because he kinda makes me feel like I'm some drama queen and overreact to things when I don't really think I do, so thank you for that! :smile:

I've said that to him about compromising on things etc, but nothing really seems to work. I don't know how I'd cope if I wasn't with him though, I was in a bad place until I met him and I don't want to go back to that place. He's not all bad, like he's a good guy and would go out of his way for me if there was ever anything I needed, but the sex problem is a big deal for me. :/

Anonymous 2 = See I did originally think that it was the age gap.. but then just before he met me he was still hooking up with guys at least 7/8 times a month. I know this because he had a pack of 144 condoms in his drawer dated from 2017 on the receipt and only 20 odd are left (we don't use condoms), so you can do the maths and this is more the reason why it doesn't make sense and frustrates me because I know that he's been with that many over the last couple of years, yet after a couple months with me he cant be bothered to make a move on me which makes me feel unwanted, unattractive and pretty **** really lol.

Sknudson = Yeah I completely get that and I've said that to him too, like I understand how relationships work and that things slow down.. but not slow down to once a week pretty suddenly, right? With his recent past especially, so I know he has a pretty good sex drive but just doesn't want to with me? I dunno, it's complicated. Relationships are hard work man. Lol

I'm not here looking for pity from you guys or anything, just wanted to hear some other peoples opinions :smile:

Why does he not want me like he wanted other guys?

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