Need to go to uni tomorrow but brother stopping me

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Anonymous #1
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Context: I go to uni a half hour train ride away. I live with my mum and 2 brothers, 17 and 11. In exchange for living there rent free I buy the weekly food shop and do the school run on the days I'm not in uni. The 17 year old dropped out of college in December and hasn't started anything in the meantime. Mum is applying to jobs for him but if he doesn't want to do it he blows them off, and he's been doing school run on the days I can't cover since then. I'm in uni 3 days a week, but this week I have tutorial week, so I'm working from home. I also have a group project with 3 other people relying on me to do my part. 11 year old could do it on his own tbh but mum is concerned because he's still in first year of this school, still learning the route, and hasn't done it solo before, and she says she'll let him do it next year.

When 17 year old found out I'd be working from home he told mum that he needed a break from doing the school run 3 days a week because it tired him out and mum asked me to cover all of this week I have off.

The rest of my group and myself planned last week to meet tomorrow (Tuesday) at uni to have a tutorial with our lecturer to make sure we're doing the presentation right and then to work on it as a group. I told my family that I had plans on Tuesday and they were non-negotiable because I booked time with my course leader and had to work on the group project.

Last night my brother came downstairs when I was working on another piece of coursework (I have 3 pieces of 2000 word coursework due during the first week back and then another 2 pieces the week after). He told me how tired taking 11 year old to and from school made him, and how little he liked doing it. Like it was something I enjoy. We had this huge fight where he basically said he didn't want to take 11 year old tomorrow because he was too tired and I said that I would do the other 4 days so long as he covered the one day I had to be in to meet my lecturer(s)/do my group project. He stuck to the stance that he was "just too tired".

Today 17 year old texted mum to say he's ill. He says he has a headache and it too weak to move but he doesn't have a fever, he hasn't been sick, he's up in his room right now watching TV and not even 10 minutes ago he came downstairs and grabbed half a dozen mini rolls before going back upstairs. He's so clearly faking being sick so he doesn't have to take 11 year old tomorrow.

I've told mum that he could not be more clearly faking, and explained everything that went on last night, but she's taking his side and telling me to stop accusing him of faking. I'm trying to put my foot down here but he's playing it up to mum that he's ill and she's falling for it. She's at work 7-7 every day so she can't come home and see how ill he isn't and she can't take 11 year old tomorrow.

What can I do???
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Human_bean
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Your brother is not the one who is paying £9,000 in yearly fees.
If you allow him to tell you what to do, the problem is with you and not him.

Tell him to focus on his own life
Last edited by Human_bean; 1 year ago
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Bio 7
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Bin or hide all the lazy f*cks snacks and make him have a reason to go out tomorrow. If he won't do it then the 11 year old gets a day off. Your plans are important and his laziness shouldn't be stopping them.
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Sammylou40
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I agree with the others. You need to be brave and go to uni. Just say nothing and carry on with your plans.
It’s important that you make it clear you can help when you’re free but should not be relied upon on a daily basis. Be strong
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BBx2
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He needs to learn how the world works. If he is not doing anything else he should be taking some responsibility, so unless he gets a job, the school run should be his every day. However, I don’t understand why the 11 year old can’t go by himself, surely by now he knows how to get there after 6 months.
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username3900288
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(Original post by BBx2)
He needs to learn how the world works. If he is not doing anything else he should be taking some responsibility, so unless he gets a job, the school run should be his every day. However, I don’t understand why the 11 year old can’t go by himself, surely by now he knows how to get there after 6 months.
Some parents get paranoid when their cute 11 year olds start trying to travel the world on their own. Never know who might shank them, and yes, that is a genuine concern of many parents in regards to the safety of their kids.

Though, OP, just do as the others has suggested and simply carry on with your plans.
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BBx2
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(Original post by Qup)
Some parents get paranoid when their cute 11 year olds start trying to travel the world on their own. Never know who might shank them, and yes, that is a genuine concern of many parents in regards to the safety of their kids.

Though, OP, just do as the others has suggested and simply carry on with your plans.
I do understand the concerns, but they need to start finding their way at some point.
However the main issue her is the lazy *rse 17 year old
Last edited by BBx2; 1 year ago
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OmnomnOmnigul
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Your brother is not your responsibility. He is not your son. University is a crucial point in your life and you should not have to sacrifice any part of it. If your mother knows you have a tutorial and your older brother is being too lazy to do it, it is up to her to make alternative plans for your younger brother.

Go to your tutorial tomorrow. Make it clear that you will be going. You have no obligation to not go in order to do the school run for your brother.

Also, at 11 I was making my way to school in another town on my own weeks after having moved countries. There's only so long she can baby him, and doing so is going to make life harder for him and her.

Stop shouldering your mother's responsibilities. Start worrying about yourself and your future.
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xoxAngel_Kxox
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I know you want to help, and it's good when you can, but your brothers are NOT your responsibility. It's great that you will take him to school when you're able to, but you have to make your own life, and your course, the priority. Your mum should never, ever expect you to miss uni to do that.

Just on a side note: please don't let your younger brother hear you arguing about taking him to school. He will feel like he's unwanted and a burden, and will feel guilty that nobody wants to take him.

Ultimately, it's your mum's problem to solve. I think your brother is being lazy saying he doesn't want to get up and take him - he could go back to bed after if he wanted if he's doing nothing else - but if he really doesn't want to do it, then it's not his problem either. Parents should have plans for these things, without relying on older siblings for childcare. I would always help with my younger brother, but that's not to say that I have to if that makes sense.
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StriderHort
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Don't do anything, go to uni like you planned. Don't bother bickering over whether he's faking or not, its irrelevant and you can't prove it, whether he is or isn't doesn't change the fact you aren't available that day, you've made clear you'll help when you can.

If your sitting home deadbeat you don't get to pester people with things to do to give you friggin respite cover. If i was the parent i'd be compassionately helping by removing all those nasty headache causing electronics from his bedroom .
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Anonymous #1
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(Original post by Bio 7)
Bin or hide all the lazy f*cks snacks and make him have a reason to go out tomorrow. If he won't do it then the 11 year old gets a day off. Your plans are important and his laziness shouldn't be stopping them.
(Original post by Sammylou40)
I agree with the others. You need to be brave and go to uni. Just say nothing and carry on with your plans.
It’s important that you make it clear you can help when you’re free but should not be relied upon on a daily basis. Be strong
17 year old is lazy. I've tried to get him to snap out of it, but he just can't be bothered. He dropped out in December and said he was going to get a job but he told mum he didn't know what he was doing so she had me make him a CV, set him up on indeed/totaljobs/reed/redwigwam and a bunch of other websites. And they're making me lie to dad about him still being in full time education (dad doesn't live with us).
I would just go but if 17 doesn't confirm that he'll take 11 year old then he just... won't. And the 11 year old's school is really uptight about attendance. He missed one day a month ago after they sent him home, which is his only time off since he started school because he had a stomach bug and whenever he's late (once every few weeks, tops) they still send us reminders that he can't afford to miss any more time.


(Original post by BBx2)
He needs to learn how the world works. If he is not doing anything else he should be taking some responsibility, so unless he gets a job, the school run should be his every day. However, I don’t understand why the 11 year old can’t go by himself, surely by now he knows how to get there after 6 months.
(Original post by Qup)
Some parents get paranoid when their cute 11 year olds start trying to travel the world on their own. Never know who might shank them, and yes, that is a genuine concern of many parents in regards to the safety of their kids.

Though, OP, just do as the others has suggested and simply carry on with your plans.
(Original post by OmnomnOmnigul)
Your brother is not your responsibility. He is not your son. University is a crucial point in your life and you should not have to sacrifice any part of it. If your mother knows you have a tutorial and your older brother is being too lazy to do it, it is up to her to make alternative plans for your younger brother.

Go to your tutorial tomorrow. Make it clear that you will be going. You have no obligation to not go in order to do the school run for your brother.

Also, at 11 I was making my way to school in another town on my own weeks after having moved countries. There's only so long she can baby him, and doing so is going to make life harder for him and her.

Stop shouldering your mother's responsibilities. Start worrying about yourself and your future.
(Original post by xoxAngel_Kxox)
I know you want to help, and it's good when you can, but your brothers are NOT your responsibility. It's great that you will take him to school when you're able to, but you have to make your own life, and your course, the priority. Your mum should never, ever expect you to miss uni to do that.

Just on a side note: please don't let your younger brother hear you arguing about taking him to school. He will feel like he's unwanted and a burden, and will feel guilty that nobody wants to take him.

Ultimately, it's your mum's problem to solve. I think your brother is being lazy saying he doesn't want to get up and take him - he could go back to bed after if he wanted if he's doing nothing else - but if he really doesn't want to do it, then it's not his problem either. Parents should have plans for these things, without relying on older siblings for childcare. I would always help with my younger brother, but that's not to say that I have to if that makes sense.
I'm going to put my foot down with them and tell them I need to go, especially since I normally only do the full school run 2 days a week and take him on a third day and this week I'm willing to do 4 days if he just takes this one. I could probably take 11 if it came to it, but I'd really rather not as the train is hourly. I'd be dropping him in at 8:30, and his school is over an hour from the station, so not only would I miss the 8:45 train, but I'd probably miss the 9:45, too. If I had to get the 10:45 then I wouldn't get to uni until 11:30/12 and I'd need to leave by 1 to make sure I was on time to pick him up, and my tutor slot which I had to book a month ago and can't change at this stage is at 11. It just can't work with my schedule.
Mum works 7-7 every weekday. We moved here to be near our grandparents, but nan passed a few months ago and grandad moved to Spain literally 2 weeks ago. Dad is too far away to do the school run, and we don't really have anyone else. I said that I really need to go because I have 3 tutorials booked with each course leader to discuss 3 coursework pieces and have another 3 people relying on me to show up and do my part in the group project, so if I don't turn up I'm not just letting myself down, I'm letting down 6 people and depriving a classmate of a tutor session that won't be used now. Mum says she appreciates that but if 17 is ill, then she needs my help here because she'll be at work and there's nothing she can do about it.
11 year old knows the route and in an emergency he could probably get himself there, if I'm honest, but he's 11, he doesn't have any friends coming from the same direction he can walk with, and he doesn't even have a phone (mum got him one when he started uni but 17 borrowed it when his stopped working, got frustrated at something and threw his phone against the wall. The whole thing came apart and the screen shattered and mum hasn't had the money to replace it yet)
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Bio 7
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Is anyone else hating this older brother? He sounds far too entitled and gets away with anything.

Like others said your brother isn't your problem. It's nice to help out but as you know yoir trip to uni is too important. Stand your ground and yojr mum will have to force that lazy sh*t to fo one thing that week.
I understand his laziness but I can also see he is taking the p*ss.
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Bio 7
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(Original post by StriderHort)
Don't do anything, go to uni like you planned. Don't bother bickering over whether he's faking or not, its irrelevant and you can't prove it, whether he is or isn't doesn't change the fact you aren't available that day, you've made clear you'll help when you can.

If your sitting home deadbeat you don't get to pester people with things to do to give you friggin respite cover. If i was the parent i'd be compassionately helping by removing all those nasty headache causing electronics from his bedroom .
Very nice cure. I'm sure the mini roles don't help either.
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Anonymous #1
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(Original post by StriderHort)
Don't do anything, go to uni like you planned. Don't bother bickering over whether he's faking or not, its irrelevant and you can't prove it, whether he is or isn't doesn't change the fact you aren't available that day, you've made clear you'll help when you can.

If your sitting home deadbeat you don't get to pester people with things to do to give you friggin respite cover. If i was the parent i'd be compassionately helping by removing all those nasty headache causing electronics from his bedroom .
It's tempting to take his TV, not going to lie. I've just had to do him pancakes because he wanted some and can't cook them and when I said I was busy doing my coursework he rang mum and told her that I wasn't helping him when he was sick so she got mad at me over the phone and then he tried to do them himself and nearly burnt the kitchen down.
I had a problem with my debit card - there was a payment I didn't know about so they cancelled my card. I have train tickets for every other time I have uni between now and the end of first year but I already went to the bank and asked if I could withdraw money without the card and they said no, so in order to get the train ticket tomorrow I'm relying on mum to give me money to pay for it. I'm not saying she might refuse to give me the money, but it's probably best I stay on her good side and convince her how important tomorrow is because she still hasn't given me the money yet.
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Anonymous #1
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(Original post by Bio 7)
Is anyone else hating this older brother? He sounds far too entitled and gets away with anything.

Like others said your brother isn't your problem. It's nice to help out but as you know yoir trip to uni is too important. Stand your ground and yojr mum will have to force that lazy sh*t to fo one thing that week.
I understand his laziness but I can also see he is taking the p*ss.
I do. He is and he does. When he was a kid (literally like 6) he was sick. Like... really sick. Fits or something? He's fine now and he's not had a major health issue since but apparently it got scary for a while so ever since whenever he's wanted something mum and dad have given it to him. This has resulted in him being lazy, entitled, and perfectly content to let everyone around him do everything for him. Before he dropped out of college he got mum (with my help) to do his homework for him and missed an exam, and when he got in trouble claimed that no one reminded him.
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BBx2
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You really are shouldering too much responsibility & 17 your old is being incredibly selfish. He’s messing ALL of you around because he’s lazy. If he doesn’t get a job he needs to contribute in other ways. It’s admirable that you are helping your mum & you are already contributing buying food & helping with 11 year old, but your course is important, you can’t simply miss it because your brother thinks the school run is tiring (poor thing). That just shows his attitude is awful & he had no work ethic. Although you know he’s faking, your mother should still make him do the school run as that’s the sort of thing grown ups have to do! He’s living tent free & not lifting a finger to help, if he gets away with it this time he’ll do it more & more. Go to uni!!!!!
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StriderHort
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(Original post by Anonymous)
It's tempting to take his TV, not going to lie. I've just had to do him pancakes because he wanted some and can't cook them and when I said I was busy doing my coursework he rang mum and told her that I wasn't helping him when he was sick so she got mad at me over the phone and then he tried to do them himself and nearly burnt the kitchen down.
I had a problem with my debit card - there was a payment I didn't know about so they cancelled my card. I have train tickets for every other time I have uni between now and the end of first year but I already went to the bank and asked if I could withdraw money without the card and they said no, so in order to get the train ticket tomorrow I'm relying on mum to give me money to pay for it. I'm not saying she might refuse to give me the money, but it's probably best I stay on her good side and convince her how important tomorrow is because she still hasn't given me the money yet.
I know it's tempting, but there doesn't seem anything to be GAINED by bickering with him or your mum. You're merely putting your foot down and making it clear that as an adult you already have significant responsibilities that day, just like she does. You'd like to help that day, you can't.

Also if shes obv happy leaving you responsible for his wellbeing, you could just call an ambulance, It sounds touch & go.
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Anonymous #1
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(Original post by BBx2)
You really are shouldering too much responsibility & 17 your old is being incredibly selfish. He’s messing ALL of you around because he’s lazy. If he doesn’t get a job he needs to contribute in other ways. It’s admirable that you are helping your mum & you are already contributing buying food & helping with 11 year old, but your course is important, you can’t simply miss it because your brother thinks the school run is tiring (poor thing). That just shows his attitude is awful & he had no work ethic. Although you know he’s faking, your mother should still make him do the school run as that’s the sort of thing grown ups have to do! He’s living tent free & not lifting a finger to help, if he gets away with it this time he’ll do it more & more. Go to uni!!!!!
(Original post by StriderHort)
I know it's tempting, but there doesn't seem anything to be GAINED by bickering with him or your mum. You're merely putting your foot down and making it clear that as an adult you already have significant responsibilities that day, just like she does. You'd like to help that day, you can't.

Also if shes obv happy leaving you responsible for his wellbeing, you could just call an ambulance, It sounds touch & go.
I've been doing stuff like this since we moved here in late 2015. The boys went to a twinned high school and primary school and their schools were literally on the same road, with maybe a dozen houses between the two schools and my college started 2 hours later and was a half hour walk from them and 5 stops earlier on the bus but and I still had to leave 2 hours early, go all the way to their schools and see the younger one in and then walk back to my college because 17 year old (14 at the time) wanted to walk in with his friends and didn't want to go to the younger school).
He had a bath (which I had to run for him :|) and he says he feels better but still not well enough to pick 11 up today. I said "how about tomorrow? because i know i'm technically off but i still have to go in and really need you to help me out here bc tomorrow concerns 4 of my 6 assessments". He said that although he feels better if he doesn't feel totally normal then it might make him sicker and he doesn't want to risk it. I reminded him that he'd have the rest of the week to recover because I'm doing the rest of the week where I normally don't and he doubled down on the not feeling well aspect of things.
I tried to book him a GP appointment but he said he didn't want to get anyone else sick and mum agreed and commended him for being so thoughtful.
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the_queen
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Your school is more important than your brother's tiredness. Tell him and your mom you dont go. Simply.
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BBx2
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He’s got her wrapped around his little finger. Your mother needs to take off those rose tinted specs and see how manipulative & selfish he’s being.

Stop saying you’re technically off, you’re not. You have commitments at uni tomorrow & you MUST attend. You have appointments booked with tutors that you can’t change & have to meet your study group to work on group coursework.
Last edited by BBx2; 1 year ago
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