Losing meaning of my life Watch
Academically, I'm relatively good in that I have consistent knowledge in my subjects. However I messed up big time on a 20 mark Q in one of the tests (wrong premise) and barely scraped a D and I really feel insecure when my compatriots are getting significantly more than me in maths. Generally I suffer relatively in exams but mostly good in classwork + some exams (Ie got an A in one of my three subjects). However my parents are quite strict when it comes to grades and words cannot describe how disappointed they were when I didn't get enough 8s to do 4 subjects (got actually all but 2 7s and the remainder 6) and to this day they occasionally poke on about it. Making it worse is my younger sister is so much more talented in GCSEs and so I feel bad that she will ace mines and become more 'respected' as such.
Socially I feel relatively let down with myself. Despite having some wonderful friends, I still wouldn't say I have a strong acquaintance with them and my quiet voice makes me repeating stuff embarassing. Generally I get on well with nearly everyone and I have good staff relations. However it hit hard once when one teacher blasted me for lack of notes in History (I am VERY good at History, just weak at writing which is key) despite me updating them consistently later in another book. More crucially however, I have a constant urge find someone who I like (and conversly likes me back) but I only started Social Media last July and at the very start I did some very awkward stuff such as commenting (basically lacking etiquette) and blundered when messaging some girls (they were nice and all but I was too 'incessant' in messages) and worse one blocked me without warning. This all take a heavy toll on my self-confidence. Moreover my parents really disapprove of me msging friends (regardless of sex) and they 'scold' on the manipulative nature of such. I do understand that I don't need a gf rn but I always have hope to try and in the end it fails me and affects me emotionally like a bullet. Nowadays I really blame myself for isolating for so long and that if I kept better contact with others (I go to a boys school with girls only in Sixth Form) and in the end I freak out big time if I am 'blanked' or someone takes long to reply. That said, I really am nice to everyone I meet (perhaps too much and too conscious) and I help my two friends in helping with notes that can help them in subjects we have in common. I always enjoy engaging in 'intellectual' discussions with teachers and more often than not I give the homeless guy outside our school's mini supermarket a loaf of bread or Subway tea (through points) occasionally and these things are the truly positive stuff.
Nowadays I am feeling more and more nihilistic and I constantly question whether life is really worth it as such. I always feel that if I died, then I'd evoke more of a reaction then if I was living. This has driven me to the point of writing 'Fate letters' (letters given to people after I die) and giving them to a friend to safeguard (who doesn't know the purpose) and simply telling them to open it if I ever die. Dare I say I'm potentially having suicidal thoughts but I always reject it on the basis of pain and emotional fallout (don't want to be the kid who killed himself in school) it brings. However I unequivocally believe I'd welcome death through factors beyond my reach and that I wouldn't mind to see my somewhat monotonous and dull life end.
Thank you for reading all of this. I'd be welcome to any constructive suggestions...
Perhaps you could visit your GP to ask for some CBT therapy? This is an approach that would help you notice the way that you're thinking and how this is affecting your moods and behaviour.
You questioned whether you were 'too nice' - it certainly sounds like it's very important to you to do the 'right' thing. But then, if you sometimes make a mistake or do something wrong, (as we all do because we're human), you may find yourself being extremely self critical because you did not live up to your own expectations of yourself.
Do try to speak to a professional about how you feel. There's so much out there for you. Good luck!