English Creative Writing Watch

Watermelona
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#1
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Hi I was just hoping that people could read through my piece of writing and give me some feedback, that would be amazing If anyone knows how to mark them as well, an idea of a rough mark would also be thoroughly appreciated. Thanks x
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Watermelona
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Write a story with the title “Journey” [40 marks] (GCSE English Language AQA)

A journey.

A journey to nowhere; a journey to everywhere: I am nothing in comparison. Alone, I rest, contemplating my insignificance as I gaze longingly at the omnipresence ahead of me, as it perches like an angel at the edge of a precipice.

And yet, it won’t be an obvious journey. Surreptitiously, it hides like a single drop of water in a storm – unnoticed but the cause of it all. The droplet dares to be chased so I will pursue it into the lake and beyond, like a naïve child chasing their adulthood, but this was always my intention.

Without a doubt, I know that I will be chasing a dream: abstract and unattainable like a diamond at the bottom of the ocean. I have always known. But it will still be my destiny. For eternity, I will swim in the riches and dance in the reflection of the moonlight; I shall revel in my vitality and enjoy the overwhelming sense of bravery at what I will have accomplished. I will become the lake and the lake will become me. It will be our future.

At first, though, I asked why risk it all for such a future? Why sacrifice a life for an artificial hope of another existence? Frozen, these thoughts raced through my mind as dangerously as a bullet, but they never hit their target. My inevitable future couldn’t be prevented by anyone or anything, especially the shell of an arrogant thought: ignorant of the impending leap of faith.

Not long ago, the same questions still consumed me; worried me; controlled me until the fear grew so powerful that it forced me to stay; trapped above the barrier. As if my life was a lie, my dismal frown protruded through artificial smiles and my daily routine suffocated with the constant considerations of what my life could have been on the other side of everything. I still had time back then…

Urgently, I know this is my last chance. My toes are hovered over the edge of the wooden dock, poised precariously whilst my gaze lingers on the echo of a ripple. My reflection waves back at me, inviting me into the serene, cool water.

As I plunge forward into the abyss, any obstinate regret is diminished. My consciousness is aware of nothing and of everything for I am no one and I am everyone. At last, the lake and I are united.

But this is not my ending. This is not my destination.

This is my journey.
Last edited by Watermelona; 1 week ago
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OtakuWallflower
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#3
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I'm not sure of marks so i'll just say a few corrections.
tbh this kinda feels more like personal writing, possibly because of the first person narrative. I would advice second person (he/she) as it feels more like an actual story.
I also think its a little on the short side.
If possible, add a turning point of the story, something that will make the reader anxious to read on.
I would add some more emotive language, which could be helped with punctuation. possibly use an exclamation point (!)
Just personally, this kinda feels poem-ey. Its more like a diary entry of the speakers thoughts than a story of events on this supposed 'journey'.

HOWEVER, i am not a teacher, therefore everything i said should probably be taken with a grain of salt.
(Original post by Watermelona)
Write a story with the title “Journey” [40 marks]

A journey.

A journey to nowhere; a journey to everywhere: I am nothing in comparison. Alone, I rest, contemplating my insignificance as I gaze longingly at the omnipresence ahead of me, as it perches like an angel at the edge of a precipice.

And yet, it won’t be an obvious journey. Surreptitiously, it hides like a single drop of water in a storm – unnoticed but the cause of it all. The droplet dares to be chased so I will pursue it into the lake and beyond, like a naïve child chasing their adulthood, but this was always my intention.

Without a doubt, I know that I will be chasing a dream: abstract and unattainable like a diamond at the bottom of the ocean. I have always known. But it will still be my destiny. For eternity, I will swim in the riches and dance in the reflection of the moonlight; I shall revel in my vitality and enjoy the overwhelming sense of bravery at what I will have accomplished. I will become the lake and the lake will become me. It will be our future.

At first, though, I asked why risk it all for such a future? Why sacrifice a life for an artificial hope of another existence? Frozen, these thoughts raced through my mind as dangerously as a bullet, but they never hit their target. My inevitable future couldn’t be prevented by anyone or anything, especially the shell of an arrogant thought: ignorant of the impending leap of faith.

Not long ago, the same questions still consumed me; worried me; controlled me until the fear grew so powerful that it forced me to stay; trapped above the barrier. As if my life was a lie, my dismal frown protruded through artificial smiles and my daily routine suffocated with the constant considerations of what my life could have been on the other side of everything. I still had time back then…

Urgently, I know this is my last chance. My toes are hovered over the edge of the wooden dock, poised precariously whilst my gaze lingers on the echo of a ripple. My reflection waves back at me, inviting me into the serene, cool water.

As I plunge forward into the abyss, any obstinate regret is diminished. My consciousness is aware of nothing and of everything for I am no one and I am everyone. At last, the lake and I are united.

But this is not my ending. This is not my destination.

This is my journey.
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Watermelona
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#4
Report Thread starter 1 week ago
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Ok thank you very much, I appreciate the feedback. I was more focussing on the originality of the piece because I was told that the exam board wouldn't care if it was a narrative or a descriptive piece. Im sure positive feedback would also be helpful though
(Original post by OtakuWallflower)
I'm not sure of marks so i'll just say a few corrections.
tbh this kinda feels more like personal writing, possibly because of the first person narrative. I would advice second person (he/she) as it feels more like an actual story.
I also think its a little on the short side.
If possible, add a turning point of the story, something that will make the reader anxious to read on.
I would add some more emotive language, which could be helped with punctuation. possibly use an exclamation point (!)
Just personally, this kinda feels poem-ey. Its more like a diary entry of the speakers thoughts than a story of events on this supposed 'journey'.

HOWEVER, i am not a teacher, therefore everything i said should probably be taken with a grain of salt.
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