Started smoking with gf

Watch
This discussion is closed.
username4551526
Badges: 2
Rep:
?
#1
Report Thread starter 1 year ago
#1
My girlfriend is a heavy smoker, about one pack every day, and for a couple of years I would rag on her about it, especially since, when we started dating, she hid that fact from me. She'd tell me that I didn't understand how tough it is to quit and I'd counter that if she really wanted to quit she would. Finally, just before our summer break, she suggested that if I'd smoke like she did for the summer, at summer's end we'd both quit it'd be easier for her because she'd be quitting with me instead of for me and, if I'd do that for her, I'd understand what she's going through.

At first I was very reluctant because, frankly, the idea of smoking was very disgusting to me, but I decided to teach her a lesson while fully believing what she said had merit.

It took me almost a week to get used to inhaling (she insisted I inhale because otherwise "it wouldn't work"). It took another 6 weeks to smoke as much as she did. In fact, when we were together she'd usually light two, one for each of us.

By the time school started again I reminded her of her promise and she agreed to stop with me. What was interesting to me at the time was how I learned to associate certain situations with smoking, since she would light up when, for instance, we'd get into the car to go somewhere, or right after leaving a movie theater, or while talking on the phone, etc. I was amazed how, even after only 2 months, I would get the same impulse during those times but, because of our agreement and my feelings about smoking and its affects on long term health, I wouldn't give into them.

The problem started when she said that giving up smoking doesn't have to be sudden. So she said it'd be better if we'd "cut back for awhile and then eventually stop completely". Now the new "rule" was to "cut back together" which meant I'd still keep smoking with her. This meant smoking together, instead of all day. So we'd smoke together, typically, as soon as we woke up, after each meal, one when arriving home and one before going to sleep. Weeks passed by and I asked her when we'd start cutting down. She'd say soon and I didn't push it because, I thought, it was working and was better than it originally was. I think a good part of the reason I didn't fight her on this was because, frankly, at this point, I actually enjoyed smoking, though I didn't realize this in a solidly conscious way.

I never admitted to her that those more occasional cigarettes were becoming very important to me. It was even hard to admit this fact to myself, but when we'd light up together I'd get an almost instant feeling of relief. It's hard to describe but it felt similar to drinking a cold glass of water after being very thirsty for too long.

When she started saying let's just have another cigarette together (outside the "normal" routine) because: it'd be nice to share one out on the patio together now, or because it makes her feel closer to me, or any other of the reasons I'd give in. I now realize that I started rationalizing it all using "smoker's logic" like one wouldn't hurt, we've cut down together and that's good, etc.

Before long, probably about another 4 months or so, we were up to her previous, starting, level. It happened so slowly and I see that my mind was playing all sorts of tricks on me. I was even forced to admit my smoking to friends and family because, at that level, it's impossible to hide it and, believe me, that was very hard to do. I didn't even really see how it happened but it did. She was right and I learned a hard lesson about addiction.

Now I realize I'm a smoker just like my girlfriend. I hate when she now says "see what I mean?" "see, it's hard to quit, now you know...right?!" Sometimes said with a sly grin! Whenever I try to quit I get very powerful urges (thirst) and can't stop thinking about smoking and it doesn't help that she smokes and, worse, almost encourages me since she likes when we smoke together. I think she may even get a special thrill out of it since I was such a hard line anti-smoker and now am in the same situation as she is. I still find this all so hard to believe, but I have to admit she was right and I was wrong. It isn't easy to quit. And I was wrong about how much she smoked. I now smoke OVER a pack every day, sometimes close to two packs (I still find it hard to admit this) and that's as much as she smokes too, now that I know for sure.

What should I do?
0
Max1989
Badges: 18
Rep:
?
#2
Report 1 year ago
#2
(Original post by Bumbumxd)
My girlfriend is a heavy smoker, about one pack every day, and for a couple of years I would rag on her about it, especially since, when we started dating, she hid that fact from me. She'd tell me that I didn't understand how tough it is to quit and I'd counter that if she really wanted to quit she would. Finally, just before our summer break, she suggested that if I'd smoke like she did for the summer, at summer's end we'd both quit it'd be easier for her because she'd be quitting with me instead of for me and, if I'd do that for her, I'd understand what she's going through.

At first I was very reluctant because, frankly, the idea of smoking was very disgusting to me, but I decided to teach her a lesson while fully believing what she said had merit.

It took me almost a week to get used to inhaling (she insisted I inhale because otherwise "it wouldn't work"). It took another 6 weeks to smoke as much as she did. In fact, when we were together she'd usually light two, one for each of us.

By the time school started again I reminded her of her promise and she agreed to stop with me. What was interesting to me at the time was how I learned to associate certain situations with smoking, since she would light up when, for instance, we'd get into the car to go somewhere, or right after leaving a movie theater, or while talking on the phone, etc. I was amazed how, even after only 2 months, I would get the same impulse during those times but, because of our agreement and my feelings about smoking and its affects on long term health, I wouldn't give into them.

The problem started when she said that giving up smoking doesn't have to be sudden. So she said it'd be better if we'd "cut back for awhile and then eventually stop completely". Now the new "rule" was to "cut back together" which meant I'd still keep smoking with her. This meant smoking together, instead of all day. So we'd smoke together, typically, as soon as we woke up, after each meal, one when arriving home and one before going to sleep. Weeks passed by and I asked her when we'd start cutting down. She'd say soon and I didn't push it because, I thought, it was working and was better than it originally was. I think a good part of the reason I didn't fight her on this was because, frankly, at this point, I actually enjoyed smoking, though I didn't realize this in a solidly conscious way.

I never admitted to her that those more occasional cigarettes were becoming very important to me. It was even hard to admit this fact to myself, but when we'd light up together I'd get an almost instant feeling of relief. It's hard to describe but it felt similar to drinking a cold glass of water after being very thirsty for too long.

When she started saying let's just have another cigarette together (outside the "normal" routine) because: it'd be nice to share one out on the patio together now, or because it makes her feel closer to me, or any other of the reasons I'd give in. I now realize that I started rationalizing it all using "smoker's logic" like one wouldn't hurt, we've cut down together and that's good, etc.

Before long, probably about another 4 months or so, we were up to her previous, starting, level. It happened so slowly and I see that my mind was playing all sorts of tricks on me. I was even forced to admit my smoking to friends and family because, at that level, it's impossible to hide it and, believe me, that was very hard to do. I didn't even really see how it happened but it did. She was right and I learned a hard lesson about addiction.

Now I realize I'm a smoker just like my girlfriend. I hate when she now says "see what I mean?" "see, it's hard to quit, now you know...right?!" Sometimes said with a sly grin! Whenever I try to quit I get very powerful urges (thirst) and can't stop thinking about smoking and it doesn't help that she smokes and, worse, almost encourages me since she likes when we smoke together. I think she may even get a special thrill out of it since I was such a hard line anti-smoker and now am in the same situation as she is. I still find this all so hard to believe, but I have to admit she was right and I was wrong. It isn't easy to quit. And I was wrong about how much she smoked. I now smoke OVER a pack every day, sometimes close to two packs (I still find it hard to admit this) and that's as much as she smokes too, now that I know for sure.

What should I do?
Well...first I thought I was the king of long posts,

But in seriousness:

You started out with good intentions, that you'd try it and show her how easy it is...the problem is you didn't realise what you were messing with, you thought of what you want to happen not what will, it is a drug, a drug that is more easy to get addicted to than cannabis (although if you smoked a pack of cannabis cigarettes you'd be addicted to that as well). You even had a strong view about the matter in the first place, yes you love this person but you sacrificed your health for hers (although again that wasn't your intention). I'm not going to go on about how bad this is, as 1) I'm only 17 and 2) you seem to know the trouble you've gotten into.

-1: This is toxic (not just the cigarettes) the relationship:
- She did not fulfill your deal
- She has manipulated you into joining her in this addiction, she made it seem like she wanted to quit, but really wanted a reason to schedule when she'd do it it's her own benefit
- She even teases you about it
- Leave her (will be hard you may seem burden to her, chained to her now she is what you think about every time you have a cigarette).

-2: Get help, she was right at one thing, quitting a drug is hard, I'm addicted to a person for 6 years and I'm only just putting into action of getting over it. There is lots of support groups out there, can't recommend any but I'm sure you have the willpower within yourself to listen to you original values and make a difference to your life. Talk to family to try and help, and get away from her as much as you can.
1
Anonymous #1
#3
Report 1 year ago
#3
Dump her, she tricked you into smoking and now you're addicted. You need to stop it or you'll have an early death, you won't be able to quit while you're with her. If she wants to kill herself then let her but don't let her drag you down with her. Get out while you can.
0
mqb2766
Badges: 18
Rep:
?
#4
Report 1 year ago
#4
(Original post by Bumbumxd)
...
What should I do?
Quit smoking, its fuddling your brain ...
https://www.reddit.com/r/relationshi...girlfriendf25/
1
Arisapo
Badges: 16
Rep:
?
#5
Report 1 year ago
#5
So your girlfriend tried to convince you to smoke just to prove a point while you had her best interests at heart?

She sounds like a manipulative, self-centred b**ch, I would dump her as soon as you could.
4
Adz2042
Badges: 15
Rep:
?
#6
Report 1 year ago
#6
Here's an idea that has worked with my smoker-friends, and eventually smoke-free.

Continue March as normal.
Come April 1st (not an April Fools'), smoke as normal, BUT write on the calendar how many cigs you smoked each day.
Stick to this!
Roll onto May 1st. Take that figure from April 1st, and cut the total by 1. EG: I smoked 15 cigs on April 1st, this month, I'm going to smoke 14. Repeat for rest of month. Cut the figure by 1.
June, July, August, September etc. Eventually you'll be smoking 1 cig per day. (Hopefully).
When this happens, push yourself to not smoke for one day, but reward yourself with x2 on the next.
Once you can get in the mindset of not smoking for one day, push for two days. (reward on the 3rd, but stick to the x2 cigs limit!)
Ultimately, you'll go 3-4 days without smoking. This becomes a week. Then 2 weeks, a Month, few months, Year, and so on.

Commitment is key. Give it a try.
1
Anonymous #2
#7
Report 1 year ago
#7
She's an idiot.
0
Sammylou40
Badges: 20
Rep:
?
#8
Report 1 year ago
#8
You’re addicted. It’s hard to stop but you can. Try nicotine replacement products. You’ll still need plenty of willpower though.
Oh and ditch the girlfriend, being grateful she’s not s crack addict!
0
bones-mccoy
Badges: 19
Rep:
?
#9
Report 1 year ago
#9
Encouraging your partner to start smoking just because you wanted to quit together is absolutely ridiculous - actively suggesting you should damage your body and health for her own pleasure is just manipulative and so shady. I'm sure there are support groups for people who are trying to quit smoking, she could have easily found one of those but no, she has to drag you into it. Would she have asked you to start smoking crack or injecting heroin if she was trying to give up those? Why should smoking cigarettes be any different?
0
nexttime
Badges: 22
Rep:
?
#10
Report 1 year ago
#10
(Original post by username4551526)
I still find this all so hard to believe, but I have to admit she was right and I was wrong. It isn't easy to quit.
Yes - that's why you definitely shouldn't start! :facepalm:

Your partner either a) is simply in denial about just how bad smoking is or b) is an absolute ***** for getting you addicted and potentially cutting your life expectancy by decades and life quality at 50+ by an order of magnitude of so. Has she even tried nicotine replacement? Gone to stop smoking groups? Vaping? She hasn't actually tried stopping until she does those things.

I also find it kind of shocking she would smoke in the car with you? When you were a non-smoker? That's SUCH a **** move - if that's the case then honestly she doesn't care about you at all. Are you going to have kids? Is she going to smoke with them in the car too?

Honestly she sounds awful and I agree with the above posters in that she needs to either start making an effort or you need to make the difficult choice between you (and any children) having smoke-filled lungs for the rest of their lives, or you leave her.

In the meantime, focus on you. Stopping smoking isn't easy but at least you've got one thing your partner doesn't: motivation. The most successful ways to stop are to join groups, use nicotine replacement including Champix (look it up - GP might be willing to prescribe) and potentially vaping/e-cigarettes. Do it and prove your partner wrong.

I'll leave you with this nice visualisation the BBC filmed a few weeks back. Good luck.

https://www.bbc.co.uk/news/av/health...b-test-results
0
Anonymous #3
#11
Report 1 year ago
#11
I'm the origin poster.
Thanks to everyone for their suggestions. Let me say that, besides this one thing, I absolutely love my girlfriend and, despite her "manipulation", she really does love me. She and I are compatible in virtually every way. Sadly, now with the smoking, in that too. It's truly amazing what addiction can do to one's mind though, as I've learned. Now that I understand it, like never before, I don't think I'll ever be a hard ass again about human frailty, like I used to be. I'm not perfect, and neither is she, but I'm much more humble as a result of my experience. So that part is good I suppose.

I've since my last post studied smoking as best as time would allow. One of the first things I discovered was that there's an actual genetic makeup that some have that often results in a significantly higher ability to become addicted to smoking. I got tested for that and, yup, I have it. So here I am, almost a year after starting, and addicted as all hell. I wanted her tested also but she didn't care to but I wouldn't be surprised if she had it also, at least based on how quickly she got addicted (she told me that it may have happened to her by the time she finished her first pack!).

I'm not going to split with her and we have plans to marry so enough said on that topic.

I also looked into Smoker's Anonymous and the local hospital's class on smoking cessation. I'll try them of course but, at least for now, I don't give it much hope since, and I HATE to admit this, I don't think the circumstances of my life now are very conducive to quitting. With her smoking and not wanting to quit it will be much harder. We really need to quit together, as she proposed, at first. We're both in our twenties and I've also read (you can easily google this) that if a person quits by 30 or 35 or so, their risks become as low as a never smoker. So we have some time anyway. Still, I will look into the local cease smoking programs as it wouldn't hurt to do so, of course.

What I meant by how addiction can affect one's mind was this: I used to HATE smoking. My girlfriend was the first person I ever dated who smoked, which goes to show you all how much of an allure she had been, and continues to be (even more than ever). Now...I actually enjoy it! I do enjoy us smoking together for several reasons but I realize that I enjoy being with her and doing things together that don't have to do with smoking too, obviously. What I did was totally dumb, but I was ignorant and didn't realize what I should have, especially given all the information out there. I thought I was tough, in a very disciplined way (and I am) but didn't realize that becoming addicted would set up a situation, even for me, like it evolved into. I intend to quit and will see what the programs offer but, if I can't, I'm prepared to put it off while working with her to do it together after all. I have some time, at least until my early 30's. But if I (or we) can do it soon, all the better. If I can't, I know that, at least for psychological reasons, I shouldn't beat myself over it.

Thanks again for all your ideas and, if you have any more, keep them coming.
0
Bio 7
Badges: 21
Rep:
?
#12
Report 1 year ago
#12
(Original post by Anonymous)
Dump her, she tricked you into smoking and now you're addicted. You need to stop it or you'll have an early death, you won't be able to quit while you're with her. If she wants to kill herself then let her but don't let her drag you down with her. Get out while you can.
Not necessarily. My grandma had been smoking for over 60 years and is still alive. Her breathing isn’t so good now but a few years ago she was walking a few miles most days.
0
nexttime
Badges: 22
Rep:
?
#13
Report 1 year ago
#13
(Original post by Anonymous)
We're both in our twenties and I've also read (you can easily google this) that if a person quits by 30 or 35 or so, their risks become as low as a never smoker. So we have some time anyway.
...
But if I (or we) can do it soon, all the better. If I can't, I know that, at least for psychological reasons, I shouldn't beat myself over it.
Thanks for getting back to us, and for being clear and honest about not actually wanting to quit.

I will only point a couple of inaccuracies related to the above. Firstly, yes most people who quit young might be fine (more accurately: the differences are smaller than we can reliably attribute to smoking rather than just ageing. It will also depend on level of exposure). But a) it is going to be much harder to quit if you've been smoking for 15 years than it will be if you've been smoking for a few months, so staying a smoker is harmful in that sense and b) any future children you might have will still suffer. You will be less likely to conceive, increased risk of your pregnancy dying (miscarriage and stillbirth), more pregnancy complications, smaller babies which are more likely to be premature, and more likely to have birth deformities. That's before they're even born - 18 years of second hand smoke exposure will also add up, and children of smokers have more breathing problems like asthma, more infections and tend to have their growth restricted.

Secondly, just because you've identified a genetic susceptibility doesn't mean you have to smoke. Not everyone with that gene smokes, and people with that gene can quit. It might be a bit harder for you, but I'm afraid the truth is that you have only yourself to blame, and that will also go for any complications you, your partner or your children get. Tough but honest.

Good luck in quitting, whenever that may be.
0
Tbar
Badges: 1
Rep:
?
#14
Report 1 year ago
#14
I'm in the same boat as you so to speak. My girlfriend smoked socially when we met but over time that became a regular thing and I ragged on at her to quit or try to quit. By then, 2 years after we first started dating, she was smoking around a pack a day. The more i ragged her to quit the more stubborn she became, telling me even if she wanted to she didn't think she could. She always kept telling me that it was too hard to quit and that I had no idea about it as I'd never smoked before. Anyway, similar to you, she told me that if I'd smoked I would know how hard it was. That's how it formulated and when it was suggested that if I smoked for real for a few months i would see, when trying to quit, how hard it would be. Reluctantly and with hindsight not the best idea, i said i would do it. After a couple of weeks I'd got the hang of inhaling and started, with my girlfriends encouragement, to slowly smoke more. After around 6 weeks i was smoking over 10 a day and, truth be told, was enjoying it more than i dared admit. Fast forward a year and i was up to a pack a day and had no thoughts of quitting let alone ragging my girlfriend to quit. I had to admit to her that I liked it, i liked smoking. She didn't gloat much other than telling me that now i knew why she liked smoking and she was glad I'd come around to it. By then, though I liked it, i knew i was addicted and, like my girlfriend, had no intention whatsoever of quitting. We've now been together 8 years 5 of which we've been married and we both still smoke a lot. Over this time we probably have fed off each others smoking and increased to more or less 2 packs a day each. Yes we're addicted and smoking as much as we do we have nicotine stained fingers and off white colored teeth but. ..Do I regret it, do I regret starting... catagoryicly no.... we both love smoking it's part of who we are.
0
SchmuckOff
Badges: 19
Rep:
?
#15
Report 1 year ago
#15
Ciggy's are bad do weed instead
0
Tbar
Badges: 1
Rep:
?
#16
Report 1 year ago
#16
We smoke weed to.....
0
the bear
Badges: 20
Rep:
?
#17
Report 1 year ago
#17
smoking can make you unwell ?

https://cdn.vox-cdn.com/thumbor/DMm7...75127145.0.jpg
0
Fossilman
Badges: 1
Rep:
?
#18
Report 1 year ago
#18
(Original post by Anonymous)
I'm the origin poster.
Thanks to everyone for their suggestions. Let me say that, besides this one thing, I absolutely love my girlfriend and, despite her "manipulation", she really does love me. She and I are compatible in virtually every way. Sadly, now with the smoking, in that too. It's truly amazing what addiction can do to one's mind though, as I've learned. Now that I understand it, like never before, I don't think I'll ever be a hard ass again about human frailty, like I used to be. I'm not perfect, and neither is she, but I'm much more humble as a result of my experience. So that part is good I suppose.

I've since my last post studied smoking as best as time would allow. One of the first things I discovered was that there's an actual genetic makeup that some have that often results in a significantly higher ability to become addicted to smoking. I got tested for that and, yup, I have it. So here I am, almost a year after starting, and addicted as all hell. I wanted her tested also but she didn't care to but I wouldn't be surprised if she had it also, at least based on how quickly she got addicted (she told me that it may have happened to her by the time she finished her first pack!).

I'm not going to split with her and we have plans to marry so enough said on that topic.

I also looked into Smoker's Anonymous and the local hospital's class on smoking cessation. I'll try them of course but, at least for now, I don't give it much hope since, and I HATE to admit this, I don't think the circumstances of my life now are very conducive to quitting. With her smoking and not wanting to quit it will be much harder. We really need to quit together, as she proposed, at first. We're both in our twenties and I've also read (you can easily google this) that if a person quits by 30 or 35 or so, their risks become as low as a never smoker. So we have some time anyway. Still, I will look into the local cease smoking programs as it wouldn't hurt to do so, of course.

What I meant by how addiction can affect one's mind was this: I used to HATE smoking. My girlfriend was the first person I ever dated who smoked, which goes to show you all how much of an allure she had been, and continues to be (even more than ever). Now...I actually enjoy it! I do enjoy us smoking together for several reasons but I realize that I enjoy being with her and doing things together that don't have to do with smoking too, obviously. What I did was totally dumb, but I was ignorant and didn't realize what I should have, especially given all the information out there. I thought I was tough, in a very disciplined way (and I am) but didn't realize that becoming addicted would set up a situation, even for me, like it evolved into. I intend to quit and will see what the programs offer but, if I can't, I'm prepared to put it off while working with her to do it together after all. I have some time, at least until my early 30's. But if I (or we) can do it soon, all the better. If I can't, I know that, at least for psychological reasons, I shouldn't beat myself over it.

Thanks again for all your ideas and, if you have any more, keep them coming.
Try vaping. Do some research find out what's best for you. But do quit. You'll feel a hell of a lot better. I was smoking a long time before I quit.
0
ChickenMadness
Badges: 20
Rep:
?
#19
Report 1 year ago
#19
You should try vaping and filling it up with water so you're just inhaling steam. I used to do that :lol:

Part of the addiction is just the habit of inhaling stuff... or rolling joints... I used to be addicted to the weed + tobacco combo. Smoking either one on their own didn't do much for me lol. And rolling joints is so entertaining.

Btw I have an extremely addictive personality. I get addicted to anything. I just try to funnel my addictive nature towards healthy stuff like Fitness and productive hobbies. So if I can quit then anyone can :lol:


Also. Your girlfriend never had any intention of quitting smoking. She just wanted to get you addicted so you'd stop nagging her lol.
Last edited by ChickenMadness; 1 year ago
0
Hogfather
Badges: 1
Rep:
?
#20
Report 3 weeks ago
#20
You should enjoy the time you spend with your girlfriend and not worry about relatively unimportant things like smoking or drinking.
0
X
new posts
Back
to top
Latest
My Feed

See more of what you like on
The Student Room

You can personalise what you see on TSR. Tell us a little about yourself to get started.

Personalise

Should there be a new university admissions system that ditches predicted grades?

No, I think predicted grades should still be used to make offers (617)
33.73%
Yes, I like the idea of applying to uni after I received my grades (PQA) (769)
42.04%
Yes, I like the idea of receiving offers only after I receive my grades (PQO) (362)
19.79%
I think there is a better option than the ones suggested (let us know in the thread!) (81)
4.43%

Watched Threads

View All