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Hi. I just practised writing out the answer for English Language Paper 1 Question 5. I was wondering if anybody could give me any advice as to how I can improve and maybe if somebody knew how, to give me a mark?

The question was: Write the opening part of a story about a place that is severely affected by the weather.

<br>
The boy, Jake, arose to the sounds of mellow shrieks engulfing the village after a heavy boom of thunder shuddered the defenceless houses. Each raindrop was like a bullet as it smashed onto the delicate straw roof of his small family shack. The house sit on a little wooden outpost on the shore suspended by rotting logs, looking as though it would collapse any moment. The still swash of the waves remained strangely silent as the occasional call of a seabird brought melody to the villagers' ears. Each moment he drifted into sleep another crackle from above would batter the air. The feeble house felt like it would collapse in the monsoon rains any moment, yet Jake and his family remained within the four warm walls.




Feeling as though he had drifted off to sleep, Jake succumbed to a strange call that drew him away from his house. The floorboards moaned in pain as he carefully walked over the brittle planks towards the door. The howl of the wind ushered through the hole in the door as though it too was trying to escape the brutal rain. The sheer force of the elements threw the door open despite Jake only just turning the rusted doorknob. Jake swung the door closed behind him in desperation, only to be drenched almost immediately by the storm. He simply shrugged and moved back towards the door.







Holding the doorknob with two hands this time, Jake let go and looked above. An army of gulls swarmed the skies moving inland. The guttural screeches tore at his ears as he shields them with his dirty palms. As the sound of the distant birds faded, thousands of rats began to flood out into the streets, hurling their dirty claws away from the now roaring sea. At that moment, the screams started to come. Sensing trouble, Jake turned around only to see the house finally give way to the sea. Silence engulfed the tense atmosphere as the only home he ever knew now belonged to the monsoon. As the wooden pier he stood on began to creak, Jake chased the haunted screams of the town that was tormented by the storm.




Each plank collapsed before his feet as he narrowly made it to the beach. The fires began to sizzle against the heavy rains as the homes of his friend began to burn down to a cinder. The tears on his face were merged with each drop of rain that knifed into his face like hail. Turning around to see what was left of his home, the sea seemed to have disappeared. The storm cloud was a dark beast that watched Jake as he stood there, grieving. Suddenly, another set of screams drowned the silence a skyscraper wave sprint towards the broken town. Gasping for air, he turned around and launched his body as fast as it would go. The sound of destruction pursued him as the screams began to submerge one by one.




Seeing a protruding rock about 100 metres in front of him, a plan forged in his mind as he swerved through the streets of the silent town. The tsunami grew closer and closer as his lungs begged him to give up. The waves swathed through the streets absorbing everything in its path. Jake scrambled up the rock and clung as hard as he could halfway up as the water hit. A torrent shot through his body as the sea smacked the life out of his back. The skin beneath his soaked and lacerated shirt was raw and red as he squeezed his eyes shut. Enduring the harsh pain, he scrambled up like a drenched cat up the rock, sat on top and watched the ocean carry the remaining debris away from the war-torn landscape. The harsh rain continues as Jake looked out onto the warm, pink dawn that began to break through the villainous cloud. What would become of him?




Silence floated along the sea as the refugee sat still on his new home. Squinting out into the distance, his bruised body leaned forward to see the movement out at sea. The roaring came again as another wave began to haul its way through. Flickering his eyes in hope that they were deceiving him; Jake stood up, looked around and hid behind the side of the rock facing away from the wave. The wait tormented him like a cat with its prey as the growing sound gradually silenced the torrential rain. He knew it was then it came, growing closer and closer until it crashed upwards against the rock. The water came back down over and swept Jake off of his last hope.




The rain knocked against the furious sea above him as his screams were swallowed by the sea. Debris hurled towards Jake as he tried to bring his wretched body afloat. His weak, blurred eyes spot a destroyed car being carried by the sea towards him. Although it was moving with the rapid waves, it was almost as though it was accelerating towards him. Jake heaved in panic as he tried to move away until the vehicle hit his body.

It was after that very moment he opened his eyes to the rain pattering against the straw roof of his delicate home. He sighed, moved over to his side and went back to sleep.
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