I need help Watch
(I’m not muslin or ex-muslin though)
My mental health over the last 5-6 months has deteriorated. Problems with loneliness, uni, family, religion and now I can't deal with it anymore. I'm currently having counselling sessions at uni but I just can't cope anymore. I would greatly appreciate if anyone would be willing to talk especially people who have felt the same before and ex-Muslims.
Basically, I've been a loner all my life. I'm 19 (almost 20) and was born and raised in Aberdeen to Pakistani and Muslim parents. I've only ever had 3 or 4 people who I could truly call friends in my entire life and now they are all out of my life so I'm more alone than ever. I used to always tell myself things would get better and to just wait until I turn 18 but all that has happened is things keep getting worse and worse. I can't keep pushing these thoughts back anymore.
Being a brown guy here is difficult. There isn't a big Asian community here and Scotland as a whole is 95% white. As I'm sure many of you will know growing up in a Muslim family is very difficult but even more so when you don't even have an Asian community who can relate to you. There's a lot of restrictions on what I can/cannot do and that has held me back so much. Back in school days my phone was always monitored and I was never allowed outside just to hang out on the streets after school. For that reason I had no friends and I never bothered with Facebook, Twitter, Instagram, Snapchat etc. These days if you aren't on social media then you don't exist so that doesn't help. To this day I don't use any of those social networks.
I stuck it out until I was 18 anyway and then tried to move out for uni but out of all the universities I applied to outside of Aberdeen I only got an offer from 1 and I didn't meet the conditions of the offer so I go to Aberdeen uni whilst living at home. I'm reaching the end of my 2nd year studying engineering now but I hate it. I knew I hated it a few months into first year and I worked up the courage to open up to my parents and all I got in response was a massive argument that resulted in my own mother trying to hit me with a metal pole. So I never brought it up again.
I get on really well with people actually at uni and with work colleagues too and I get invited to "nights out" and stuff but I've never been because my parents are totally against me being in drinking settings or even out past 10pm and they demand to know where I go all the time and who I'm with etc. If I come home slightly late from uni I get a text "where are you?" it's so annoying.
I've completely lost faith in Islam by now. I feel nothing but resentment towards religion for the way it has ruined my life. Leaving Islam is impossible though. If my family ever found out they would disown me and the small Asian community that is here would hate me. It's like if you're born into Islam there is no escaping and it's so ******* unfair. Why do I have to choose between my own desires and my family just because I happened to be born into a Muslim family? White people are so lucky that their parents grew up in the same culture as them because they get 1000% more freedom than people like me.
Christmas and summer time are especially hard for me. While I don't use the big social media sites like I said I can still view public profiles of people I know and seeing everyone else making plans and enjoying themselves makes me so upset. Nobody even knows I exist. I live in quite a rich part of Aberdeen as well. Aberdeen is big for the oil and gas industry so a lot of people especially in my area are well off because of their parents. I went to school with some of the thickest people imaginable but they left school at 16 with no qualifications and went to work for their parents or their parents got them a job in oil and gas through their contacts and it infuriates me. Most people from my area don't go to uni. There's nothing wrong with not going to uni or not doing well at school but it's the fact that most of them KNEW they could purposely do **** in school and still have a cosy, easy life that ****** me off while people like me work our ***** off to try and forge a career yet I have to watch those kids having nights out every weekend and wearing expensive clothes. It makes my blood boil. Every place has people like that but the area I live in especially has a lot of people like that and I absolutely hate it. You'd do well to find some humility here.
Anyway, I went off on a bit of a rant there. The point is I'm almost 20 and all I ever do is work or go to uni. I've never had anything resembling a social life. I've never been on a night out, to the pub, on holiday, to a festival, concert etc. I can't even remember ever going out for a meal with friends because I don't have any. Uni/school, work and home is all my life has ever been. These are supposed to be the "best years of my life" and they've been wasted. I've had no childhood or normal teen years. I haven't had the chance to just grow up naturally.
I don't even have any family really. I've never been close with my parents or older brother we barely even talk and we never socialise together. I can't even stand being in the same room as my parents anymore I feel so much anger towards them for making me feel like this. My older sister lives in Dubai and is married and has a kid now she's the only one I kind of get on with but again we were never really close. Both my grandmas are dead. One died before I was born and the other died in Pakistan 3 years ago but I only ever met her once. Both my grandads are still alive but one lives in Pakistan I haven't spoken to him for 14 years and the other lives in Manchester but his health isn't good now he isn't able to have conversations that well and again we were never close. None of my cousins in Manchester or Pakistan ever talk to me. I'm literally completely alone I have not one single person.
I've thought about moving out this summer but even if I do and end up doing all those things I want I just know it will get back to my parents because Aberdeen is small and social media exists now and then they would disown me and I can't get it out my head. I'm scared that if I do move out then things will just get even worse too and I just don't know what to do. I feel so trapped by this culture I've been born into.
I've been having counselling at uni and using mental health websites but I just keep getting worse. I can be having a normal day and suddenly something will trigger me and I'll get filled with anger and hate or I'll start panicking and all these thoughts go through my head. I just feel so trapped and alone and years of thoughts that have been bottled up have just been let loose in my head. I'm at a point where I just don't care about anything anymore. Every day feels like a chore I'm just a robot programmed to study and work. I don't want to carry on like this anymore sometimes I think about just jumping on a train and disappearing because I can't stand my life anymore I just want it to be over at this point.
I’m sorry you’re so sad
I don’t use social media either although I’m a lot older. And I don’t feel I’m missing anything. More often than not it seems to be a nightmare. It doesn’t affect my friendships. But I do understand you feel you’re missing out.
Your first step should be to speak to someone at university and your gp who can help you with your mental health. If you can improve that then you’re half way there.
I’d also recommend that if possible you move out for next year You need to be able to build relationships and a social life.
As a parent myself I found it hard to let go but it has to be done!
Your parents may not be happy but I think you need to stay calm with them and stick to your guns.
You will probably find that your relationship with them improves when you don’t live there. Because you’ll all need to make an effort to see each other.
When you don’t feel good it’s easy to imagine that every one else has it made but those people will also have their share of problems. We all do.
You may also find that improving those things brings a new perspective to your course. You can always move into medicine afterwards.
Whatever you want to do it is never too late.
If you want a mum to talk to you can pm me anytime