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Anonymous #1
#1
Report Thread starter 6 months ago
#1
I've known this guy for two years and we've been in an off-on relationship. He randomly cut me off when we were on the phone last night and suddenly said 'you make me crazy, do you know that? Day and night, I can't sleep- I'm always thinking of you.'

Is this his way of trying to get into my pants? Or is he in love?

It just sounded like a pretty intense thing to say...
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mgi
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#2
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#2
(Original post by Anonymous)
I've known this guy for two years and we've been in an off-on relationship. He randomly cut me off when we were on the phone last night and suddenly said 'you make me crazy, do you know that? Day and night, I can't sleep- I'm always thinking of you.'

Is this his way of trying to get into my pants? Or is he in love?

It just sounded like a pretty intense thing to say...
It could be that he has fallen for you. But why is it an off on relationship? Sounds like you both need to be clear about what you want and until you know i would suggest that you keep him out of your pants!
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jay2013
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#3
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#3
Leave him. He deserves better than you.
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Anonymous #1
#4
Report Thread starter 6 months ago
#4
He has some personal issues that are making it difficult for me to commit and I've had experiences in the past that make it difficult for me to trust people easily, so it's been off and on.
(Original post by mgi)
It could be that he has fallen for you. But why is it an off on relationship? Sounds like you both need to be clear about what you want and until you know i would suggest that you keep him out of your pants!
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mgi
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#5
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#5
(Original post by Anonymous)
He has some personal issues that are making it difficult for me to commit and I've had experiences in the past that make it difficult for me to trust people easily, so it's been off and on.
Ok. So how are you going to deal with your trust issues in the longer term so that you get happier relationships?
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Anonymous #1
#6
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#6
I honestly don't know. I think it's affecting my prospects of ever being in a healthy relationship, to be honest. It's not that I've had bad relationships with guys in the past, it's more that I had a bad relationship with my father. He was an alcoholic and adulterous and I think that has subconsciously tainted my view of all men.
(Original post by mgi)
Ok. So how are you going to deal with your trust issues in the longer term so that you get happier relationships?
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Anonymous #1
#7
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#7
What makes you say that?
(Original post by jay2013)
Leave him. He deserves better than you.
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mgi
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#8
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#8
(Original post by Anonymous)
I honestly don't know. I think it's affecting my prospects of ever being in a healthy relationship, to be honest. It's not that I've had bad relationships with guys in the past, it's more that I had a bad relationship with my father. He was an alcoholic and adulterous and I think that has subconsciously tainted my view of all men.
Perhaps you could speak to your father about what effect he has had on you and see if he can apologise to you. You would greatly be helped if he could also tell you how he thinks he came to be an alcoholic. You may find that he simply didn't have the tools to be the person that you wanted him to be might help you to forgive him. Also, you should look for some form of counselling to help you let go of beliefs that can limit your chances of having a happy relationship.
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Anonymous #1
#9
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#9
Thanks for the advice- I really appreciate it.

I've tried talking to him but our relationship has now deteriorated beyond repair and we haven't been in contact for a while. He is not a very nice person at all, quite frankly, and was abusive to my mother. As a child, I often got caught up in that and haven't really had a male figure to serve as an example in my life. I think this has left me open to bad experiences with men. I've been stalked a couple of times by men who took advantage of the fact that I don't have a father or brother to 'protect' me.

I'm pretty sure this guy is in love with me now, and to be honest that breaks my heart. I know I won't be able to open up to him emotionally the way he wants me to. And this has been a pattern- whenever I talk to guys and they like me, I cut it off at a certain point because I can't commit.

I don't want to be a heartbreaker anymore- I really hate it. I think you're right- I might need to see a therapist.
(Original post by mgi)
Perhaps you could speak to your father about what effect he has had on you and see if he can apologise to you. You would greatly be helped if he could also tell you how he thinks he came to be an alcoholic. You may find that he simply didn't have the tools to be the person that you wanted him to be might help you to forgive him. Also, you should look for some form of counselling to help you let go of beliefs that can limit your chances of having a happy relationship.
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mgi
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#10
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#10
(Original post by Anonymous)
Thanks for the advice- I really appreciate it.

I've tried talking to him but our relationship has now deteriorated beyond repair and we haven't been in contact for a while. He is not a very nice person at all, quite frankly, and was abusive to my mother. As a child, I often got caught up in that and haven't really had a male figure to serve as an example in my life. I think this has left me open to bad experiences with men. I've been stalked a couple of times by men who took advantage of the fact that I don't have a father or brother to 'protect' me.

I'm pretty sure this guy is in love with me now, and to be honest that breaks my heart. I know I won't be able to open up to him emotionally the way he wants me to. And this has been a pattern- whenever I talk to guys and they like me, I cut it off at a certain point because I can't commit.

I don't want to be a heartbreaker anymore- I really hate it. I think you're right- I might need to see a therapist.
Because of your experiences you have found yourself unable to be open emotionally and also unable to trust people in your relationships. Did your dad ever tell you about his own childhood? It probably is full of similar issues that he never dealt with in an effective way and he actually became destructive to those around him. If so then at least you get an idea of why he did what he did; he never had the emotionsl tools to give to you in the first place. I realise why my own father's behaviour was so strict and hostile. He was taught it by his alcoholic father and strict mother! Do you love the guy that loves you now? You can eventually shrug off your emotional problems if you get help from a therapist otherwise it just gets passed on and on.
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Anonymous #1
#11
Report Thread starter 6 months ago
#11
This has been really helpful, thank you!

I've never viewed him in that way before. And I think you're right- I do need to do something about it before it gets worse. I don't want to be anything like him if I ever have children.

Yes- he lost his father at the age of seven and became very ill. His mother was distraught at the loss but had a clandestine relationship soon after with a soldier. He was taunted by other kids because of his mother's affair.

The thing is, although I acknowledge the difficulties he faced during his childhood, I can't seem to forgive him for never being a present father. I just feel like I would never treat my children that way if I had any, despite my childhood, so why did he?

I think I do love this guy but I find it difficult to define the emotion. I don't want to use him because of my daddy issues, and that makes me believe I care about him. But I keep shutting out the thought because I'm scared of trusting anyone.
(Original post by mgi)
Because of your experiences you have found yourself unable to be open emotionally and also unable to trust people in your relationships. Did your dad ever tell you about his own childhood? It probably is full of similar issues that he never dealt with in an effective way and he actually became destructive to those around him. If so then at least you get an idea of why he did what he did; he never had the emotionsl tools to give to you in the first place. I realise why my own father's behaviour was so strict and hostile. He was taught it by his alcoholic father and strict mother! Do you love the guy that loves you now? You can eventually shrug off your emotional problems if you get help from a therapist otherwise it just gets passed on and on.
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Anonymous #2
#12
Report 6 months ago
#12
(Original post by Anonymous)
Thanks for the advice- I really appreciate it.

I've tried talking to him but our relationship has now deteriorated beyond repair and we haven't been in contact for a while. He is not a very nice person at all, quite frankly, and was abusive to my mother. As a child, I often got caught up in that and haven't really had a male figure to serve as an example in my life. I think this has left me open to bad experiences with men. I've been stalked a couple of times by men who took advantage of the fact that I don't have a father or brother to 'protect' me.

I'm pretty sure this guy is in love with me now, and to be honest that breaks my heart. I know I won't be able to open up to him emotionally the way he wants me to. And this has been a pattern- whenever I talk to guys and they like me, I cut it off at a certain point because I can't commit.

I don't want to be a heartbreaker anymore- I really hate it. I think you're right- I might need to see a therapist.
Take it one day at a time. You can heal from the trauma you’ve experienced as a child. You can relearn to trust some men. There are some good ones out there believe me.
Maybe as time goes by you will begin to trust more and be comfortable being open. Sometimes we protect ourselves at the expense of a relationship or friendship and end up losing them altogether.
It also depends on what you want. Do you feel ready for a relationship?
Yes talking to a therapist is a good option because they can give you coping strategies and they’re confidential. Sometimes when we’ve been through a painful traumatic experience talking about it can get it out of your system and you can be on the road to feeling and being healed.
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Anonymous #1
#13
Report Thread starter 6 months ago
#13
Thank you for the advice- yes I think talking to a therapist will help.

I'm not sure if I feel ready for a relationship yet. I think I need to heal first.

I think it'll be a long road but I'll need to do it sooner or later if I want to be in a healthy relationship.
(Original post by Anonymous)
Take it one day at a time. You can heal from the trauma you’ve experienced as a child. You can relearn to trust some men. There are some good ones out there believe me.
Maybe as time goes by you will begin to trust more and be comfortable being open. Sometimes we protect ourselves at the expense of a relationship or friendship and end up losing them altogether.
It also depends on what you want. Do you feel ready for a relationship?
Yes talking to a therapist is a good option because they can give you coping strategies and they’re confidential. Sometimes when we’ve been through a painful traumatic experience talking about it can get it out of your system and you can be on the road to feeling and being healed.
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mgi
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#14
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#14
(Original post by Anonymous)
This has been really helpful, thank you!

I've never viewed him in that way before. And I think you're right- I do need to do something about it before it gets worse. I don't want to be anything like him if I ever have children.

Yes- he lost his father at the age of seven and became very ill. His mother was distraught at the loss but had a clandestine relationship soon after with a soldier. He was taunted by other kids because of his mother's affair.

The thing is, although I acknowledge the difficulties he faced during his childhood, I can't seem to forgive him for never being a present father. I just feel like I would never treat my children that way if I had any, despite my childhood, so why did he?

I think I do love this guy but I find it difficult to define the emotion. I don't want to use him because of my daddy issues, and that makes me believe I care about him. But I keep shutting out the thought because I'm scared of trusting anyone.
If you love your boyfriend then you clearly care about him. But i think your real issue is how to make sense of your father's failures. You describe some of the things ge went through as a young person: Dad dies when he was seven, he gets ill. Mum distraught. Bullied at school. None of this was his fault. No therapy or counselling went on back then probably. So now your dad becomes an adult without the tools or the template or any clue how to be an effective dad. On the contrary, like most people would, his abandonment issues start to surface in various ways: drink, alcohol, substance abuse, fear of being alone , fear of not being loved, unexplained anger, poor or casual relationships, inability to commit, blaming others, low self esteem, over/under compensating when dealing with the children, trust issues etc etc. Until he realises that he needs help to deal with longstanding issues the behaviours continue. I can see how the issues can be transmitted to you because he is your dad! So what can you do?I think in Buddhism they call these things a karmic history: family traits that go on and on until someone like you realises that it's time to break out of the old negativity. You dad didn't have the tools but you can get them through therapy/counselling. And you never know ,if your Dad went for therapy, what could happen! My partner's Dad was an alcoholic for decades. But my partner was very boundaried with him but understanding because she realised that her Dad,in effect,brought himself up from age 10. Her Dad had no clue how to bring up kids and she ended up in foster care! But she recognised the pattern and changed it and her boys benefited from her insight.
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Anonymous #1
#15
Report Thread starter 6 months ago
#15
Thanks for all the advice! Yes your description of his behavioural patterns are very accurate. I definitely will pursue therapy for myself.

Did your partner ever reconcile her differences with her father?
(Original post by mgi)
If you love your boyfriend then you clearly care about him. But i think your real issue is how to make sense of your father's failures. You describe some of the things ge went through as a young person: Dad dies when he was seven, he gets ill. Mum distraught. Bullied at school. None of this was his fault. No therapy or counselling went on back then probably. So now your dad becomes an adult without the tools or the template or any clue how to be an effective dad. On the contrary, like most people would, his abandonment issues start to surface in various ways: drink, alcohol, substance abuse, fear of being alone , fear of not being loved, unexplained anger, poor or casual relationships, inability to commit, blaming others, low self esteem, over/under compensating when dealing with the children, trust issues etc etc. Until he realises that he needs help to deal with longstanding issues the behaviours continue. I can see how the issues can be transmitted to you because he is your dad! So what can you do?I think in Buddhism they call these things a karmic history: family traits that go on and on until someone like you realises that it's time to break out of the old negativity. You dad didn't have the tools but you can get them through therapy/counselling. And you never know ,if your Dad went for therapy, what could happen! My partner's Dad was an alcoholic for decades. But my partner was very boundaried with him but understanding because she realised that her Dad,in effect,brought himself up from age 10. Her Dad had no clue how to bring up kids and she ended up in foster care! But she recognised the pattern and changed it and her boys benefited from her insight.
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mgi
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#16
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#16
(Original post by Anonymous)
Thanks for all the advice! Yes your description of his behavioural patterns are very accurate. I definitely will pursue therapy for myself.

Did your partner ever reconcile her differences with her father?
Sorry for the late reply. She has started to because he has stopped drinking and swearing. She visits him now. A great improvement .
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Anonymous #1
#17
Report Thread starter 6 months ago
#17
No problem! Glad their relationship has improved
(Original post by mgi)
Sorry for the late reply. She has started to because he has stopped drinking and swearing. She visits him now. A great improvement .
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