Dependent personality disorder - what to do?

I think I have dependent personality disorder as a consequence of being emotionally abused by my parents. I don’t have all the symptoms but many of them.

I’m a people pleaser. I used to have anorexia. Now with my boyfriend, I’m always asking him whether he is okay and worrying whether he is not okay. I’m always modifying my behaviour for him. I feel super depressed when he goes away (not so much when I make the first move and go) and I feel indecisive about many things - I always have to ask his opinion before making some decisions, like sending an email (I ask him whether I’ve done it right). I also look to him for validation - I always ask him whether I look good and he can never answer enough. What can I do? I’m really struggling. I haven’t learnt a better way to relate. I know the answer is to learn to love myself, to find self-esteem internally and empower myself to make decisions - but I'm really struggling.

First off, I'm very sorry you were emotionally abused by your parents. No one deserves that

I feel that you don't necessarily think that you need a label on it. Often, placing an unnecessary label can simply make the matters worse as you're constantly thinking about how you have a dependent personality disorder. Just think about it that you are very reliant on people and struggle with confidence and have doubt.

Keep trying small steps everyday to do things on your own - tiny things like what to wear, making phone calls etc. Nothing like the present, you cannot change the past, and the future is in YOUR control. Take achievement from every little thing you do on your own, maybe record it? Tell yourself you are in control and you can do it - if you can do all these little things, what's stopping you from doing this next little thing?

Always try and put your issues into perspective. If I make pasta or rice tonight for dinner, what are the long-term impacts? In comparison to your entire life, they are so, so minute. Tomorrow you'll probably struggle to remember what you did end up choosing to eat.

If you are super worried, go to your GP. But remember, diagnosis is not always the answer, so push through as long as you can on your own first, before being reliant on the doctor's label.

Good luck, reply with any questions!

Thanks for your empathetic response. Yes, I'm reluctant to label myself as DPD as I don't think of it so much as a disorder but a learned behaviour. I wouldn't want my boyfriend to think I have DPD as I think it would also make him overthink and perhaps be less sympathetic. At present, he knows about my issues and he is generally patient. During my period though, I ask way too many times for validation and he sometimes gets annoyed. E.g. I ask "is my face spotty?" he says no. I keep asking it, like "are you sure I look okay?" Eventually, he says "I told you-you're not spotty but you won't listen!" I'm scared if I don't ask him I will go out looking awful and be judged. I am scared if I don't ask my boyfriend about sending emails - I worry I'll send the wrong thing and I won't get a job/opportunity/I'll be judged.

That's true, these issues are so little and they shouldn't impact long-term on my wellbeing. But I tend to obsess over little things and record them, and use them as ammunition against myself when I feel bad (like, "I can't believe I said that thing 5 years ago; I can't believe that slipped out in an interview last year - how embarrassing; why did I write that in an email!")