He doesnt tip the waiter, thoughts?

Original post by Anonymous

So I have been dating this guy for a few months now. We've never really eaten out during this time (we cook a lot). Basically he treated me to dinner last night and refused to leave a tip. I have worked in waitressing/hospitality for 10 years so this is a biggy for me, I always tip well. I asked him why and he said "well people don't tip me for my job" (he owns his own tyre company). I gave him the benefit of the doubt that he just didn't understand the industry so tried to explain it to him and he brushed it off/didn't really listen or care. In the end I left the tip because I felt so embarrassed.

I know this sounds trivial but this feels like a deal breaker to me. I felt so unattracted To him after this, and felt undervalued when he brushed off my opinion. When I confronted him he said I made him feel uncomfortable and asked to leave.

Any thoughts or opinions would be appreciated!

He doesn’t have to tip the waiter to be a nice guy. As long as he’s polite. Are you trying to say that someone should always be willing to fork out extra to be worthy of your attention? What if they’re unable to? Or what if they just didn’t like the service as much and not tipping was just a polite way of expressing that? If it’s my money I’m spending I should be allowed to spend it as I please. The fact that you’re calling the act of a man possibly being cautious or non-ostentatious (as you can’t always know why people don’t tip) with his own money avarice kinda makes you sound like a gold digger and is a dealbreaker in itself. No offence. Also I’m pretty sure that unless he’s a lottery winner, is a benefit cheat or has the wealthiest and most generous parents, he’s worked hard for his money too. I wouldn’t want to date someone who would overlook that.

(edited 5 years ago)

Reply 83

Anonymous #8

Original post by Anonymous

This isn’t America. I only tip if the service has been good or if the server has been nice. You should have tipped with the money you saved from the free meal.

I'm from Canada and I tip only if I receive a good service. Simple as that.

On another note, if tipping is so necessary for restaurant waiters then how about folks that work at McDonald's etc. I bet they've it much harder in terms of pay and working conditions yet nobody ever tips them.

Reply 84

londonmyst

19

How he chooses to spend his money is up to him.
I tip restaurant staff as a matter of habit- unless the food or service has been terrible.
It sounds like you have compatibility issues with guys that disagree with you, your attitude to tipping or spending money in general.
Potential for a lot of fights about money, politics and the type of relationship each of you want.

Reply 85

username2345291

I read the post, but I meant why didn't she tip to begin with, not after confronting him and making it awkward and then tipping because she's embarrassed.

Reply 86

Bang Outta Order

Original post by Anonymous

So I have been dating this guy for a few months now. We've never really eaten out during this time (we cook a lot). Basically he treated me to dinner last night and refused to leave a tip. I have worked in waitressing/hospitality for 10 years so this is a biggy for me, I always tip well. I asked him why and he said "well people don't tip me for my job" (he owns his own tyre company). I gave him the benefit of the doubt that he just didn't understand the industry so tried to explain it to him and he brushed it off/didn't really listen or care. In the end I left the tip because I felt so embarrassed.

I know this sounds trivial but this feels like a deal breaker to me. I felt so unattracted To him after this, and felt undervalued when he brushed off my opinion. When I confronted him he said I made him feel uncomfortable and asked to leave.

Any thoughts or opinions would be appreciated!

you're being ridiculous. he's not even your husband. you've not even been dating a year. he's just some guy you've known a couple months. this is hardly a dilemma. dump him if you dont like him, big deal. even over something so petty.

Reply 87

username459260

16

His opinion is as valuable as yours. You brushed him off as much as he brushed you off.

Original post by Anonymous

So I have been dating this guy for a few months now. We've never really eaten out during this time (we cook a lot). Basically he treated me to dinner last night and refused to leave a tip. I have worked in waitressing/hospitality for 10 years so this is a biggy for me, I always tip well. I asked him why and he said "well people don't tip me for my job" (he owns his own tyre company). I gave him the benefit of the doubt that he just didn't understand the industry so tried to explain it to him and he brushed it off/didn't really listen or care. In the end I left the tip because I felt so embarrassed.

I know this sounds trivial but this feels like a deal breaker to me. I felt so unattracted To him after this, and felt undervalued when he brushed off my opinion. When I confronted him he said I made him feel uncomfortable and asked to leave.

Any thoughts or opinions would be appreciated!

Reply 88

Bio 7

We have just one side of this where OP colours how he reacted with her own opinion, but at least in this scenario we can see he wasn’t in the wrong with the tainted view.
We can’t know if he really listened, but regardless he would have heard you and probably thought immediately that he didn’t agree with your opinion and rightfully brushed off your criticism. In this instance you are not right and neither is he, he doesn’t have to listen to your argument on this as it will depend on his finances and how he values that service. Nothing you say would change that.

The tipping system is unnecessary for waiting staff, they don’t deserve tips when other people doing harder jobs for the same pay get no tips. It’s odd people came up with the idea, was it necessary years ago to stop them spitting in your food and it just stuck?

(edited 5 years ago)

Reply 89

We're not in America? Tipping is nice but it's not expected. BUT I can see your point. It seems like he has an entitled attitude and that he won't give something to someone unless he's getting something back (which isn't a good sign for a relationship). Also, the fact that he can't even discuss something like this maturely without saying he's uncomfortable and wants to leave - how could you have a serious talk about any relationship issues with someone like that? Maybe your instincts are telling you something about this guy and it's usually worth listening to them.

Original post by Anonymous

So I have been dating this guy for a few months now. We've never really eaten out during this time (we cook a lot). Basically he treated me to dinner last night and refused to leave a tip. I have worked in waitressing/hospitality for 10 years so this is a biggy for me, I always tip well. I asked him why and he said "well people don't tip me for my job" (he owns his own tyre company). I gave him the benefit of the doubt that he just didn't understand the industry so tried to explain it to him and he brushed it off/didn't really listen or care. In the end I left the tip because I felt so embarrassed.

I know this sounds trivial but this feels like a deal breaker to me. I felt so unattracted To him after this, and felt undervalued when he brushed off my opinion. When I confronted him he said I made him feel uncomfortable and asked to leave.

Any thoughts or opinions would be appreciated!

Reply 90

username459260

16

You clearly don't understand his perspective if you think its about being entitled.
If I go to a resteraunt, they don't deserve my money and I certainly won't just give more money to someone for no reason. Eating out is expensive and UK resteraunts ensure the wages for staff are covered by my meal (excluding service charge)
Most people struggle financially and not giving a tip in no way reflects entitlement.
And she was immature in her inability to discuss. She demanded he pay a tip. How is the guy the bad one?

Original post by -Eirlys-

We're not in America? Tipping is nice but it's not expected. BUT I can see your point. It seems like he has an entitled attitude and that he won't give something to someone unless he's getting something back (which isn't a good sign for a relationship). Also, the fact that he can't even discuss something like this maturely without saying he's uncomfortable and wants to leave - how could you have a serious talk about any relationship issues with someone like that? Maybe your instincts are telling you something about this guy and it's usually worth listening to them.

(edited 5 years ago)

Reply 91

super_kawaii

Original post by Anonymous

So I have been dating this guy for a few months now. We've never really eaten out during this time (we cook a lot). Basically he treated me to dinner last night and refused to leave a tip. I have worked in waitressing/hospitality for 10 years so this is a biggy for me, I always tip well. I asked him why and he said "well people don't tip me for my job" (he owns his own tyre company). I gave him the benefit of the doubt that he just didn't understand the industry so tried to explain it to him and he brushed it off/didn't really listen or care. In the end I left the tip because I felt so embarrassed.

I know this sounds trivial but this feels like a deal breaker to me. I felt so unattracted To him after this, and felt undervalued when he brushed off my opinion. When I confronted him he said I made him feel uncomfortable and asked to leave.

Any thoughts or opinions would be appreciated!

I work in hospitality and we’re not allowed to accept tips, so I’m very nervous about leaving tips-I don’t want someone to potentially lose their job over it!

I’ve also lived in countries where tipping is downright offensive which has conditioned me even more to not tip!

Reply 92

super_kawaii

Original post by bones-mccoy

Ignorance is bliss, I suppose. The worrying part is that he refused to even listen to your reasoning why tips are so important in the food service industry. The refusal to educate himself would be off putting rather than not tipping to start with.

Ignorant to the fact that leaving a tip could potentially lose someone their job in this country due to a breach of contract?

Reply 93

Not giving something to someone because you don't get it back is a bit of a *****y view to have in my opinion. It's like saying you don't give food to the homeless because no-one else is giving you free food. Not giving a tip doesn't equal entitlement, I only said it in relation to what OP's boyfriend said. My boyfriend tips when we both agree that the service is excellent/server is super nice, but if the service isn't great, then we don't. I don't think anything bad about him or others who don't tip. My response was directly related to this situation.

The issue is not him not tipping, it's what he said in response to her suggestion that he tips. He could've said 'no I'd rather not, I didn't think the service was great' but he made the comment he did which the OP is reading into. She's probably a bit sensitive as she worked as a waitress and that job makes you appreciate the work these people do.
I think it comes down to when they say it's a red flag when someone isn't nice to the waiter/waitress - to her, he comes across like he doesn't seem to respect the job or those who do it, so she's taking it like a bit of a personal attack.
His inability to talk maturely about this is still a cause for concern. You can't continue a relationship with someone who can't even discuss something this trivial.

Original post by jsmith6131

You clearly don't understand his perspective if you think its about being entitled.
If I go to a resteraunt, they don't deserve my money and I certainly won't just give more money to someone for no reason. Most people struggle financially and not giving a tip in no way reflects entitlement.
And she was immature in her inability to discuss. She demanded he pay a tip. How is the guy the bad one?

Reply 94

username459260

16

Ok fair enough. I think he must also have a view on how the events happened but if he was completely unwilling to engage in discussion then fair.
I don't agree though that tipping is similar to giving food to the homeless. One is charity the other is societal pressure with no valid basis. I work in events and hospitality (not as a waiter). It is always nice to be recognised but in no way do I think I deserve tips. Even if I provide a good service. Generalising this single instance to not give money and assuming he in general only gives things for something in return is a little short-sighted. If I asked you for £20 right now, you'd tell me to bugger off. That doesn't make you entitled, it just means you don't want to spend MORE / any money than you feel you should have to, what ever the reason

Also I appreciate that she did tip when he wouldn't, but would it have hurt her to pay the tip without asking her date to pay it first? She clearly feels very entitled if she expects him to pay for the ENTIRE date.

Original post by -Eirlys-

Not giving something to someone because you don't get it back is a bit of a *****y view to have in my opinion. It's like saying you don't give food to the homeless because no-one else is giving you free food. Not giving a tip doesn't equal entitlement, I only said it in relation to what OP's boyfriend said. My boyfriend tips when we both agree that the service is excellent/server is super nice, but if the service isn't great, then we don't. I don't think anything bad about him or others who don't tip. My response was directly related to this situation.

The issue is not him not tipping, it's what he said in response to her suggestion that he tips. He could've said 'no I'd rather not, I didn't think the service was great' but he made the comment he did which the OP is reading into. She's probably a bit sensitive as she worked as a waitress and that job makes you appreciate the work these people do.
I think it comes down to when they say it's a red flag when someone isn't nice to the waiter/waitress - to her, he comes across like he doesn't seem to respect the job or those who do it, so she's taking it like a bit of a personal attack.
His inability to talk maturely about this is still a cause for concern. You can't continue a relationship with someone who can't even discuss something this trivial.

(edited 5 years ago)

Reply 95

Chief Wiggum

Original post by -Eirlys-

We're not in America? Tipping is nice but it's not expected. BUT I can see your point. It seems like he has an entitled attitude and that he won't give something to someone unless he's getting something back (which isn't a good sign for a relationship). Also, the fact that he can't even discuss something like this maturely without saying he's uncomfortable and wants to leave - how could you have a serious talk about any relationship issues with someone like that? Maybe your instincts are telling you something about this guy and it's usually worth listening to them.

Lol what a load of nonsense.

Perhaps the OP being so ungrateful towards her boyfriend after he paid for her meal is a sign of her being entitled?

Reply 96

I wasn't comparing tipping and homelessness. :facepalm:

It's the principle of what he said as his reason for not tipping. What I'm saying seems to be going over your head. You're now just going off on a tangent about tipping and hospitality when I'm more focused on her boyfriend's behaviour from a woman's perspective. I'm not assuming though, he's literally said that he doesn't get tipped for doing his job.
He treated her to the dinner, so why shouldn't he pay for the full date? "Surprise, I'm taking you somewhere that you didn't say you wanted to go, please pay half". My boyfriend rarely lets me pay for anything, even when I offer and even try and put money in his hand. Some guys are just that way inclined but I'm not going into a separate debate about who should pay for a date. :facepalm:

OP is likely reading into what he said as a general disrespect for wait staff, as she was once one. I understand how she may feel because I've been a waitress myself. He might just dislike the idea of giving more money to paid workers which is fair enough.

Original post by jsmith6131

Ok fair enough. I think he must also have a view on how the events happened but if he was completely unwilling to engage in discussion then fair.
I don't agree though that tipping is similar to giving food to the homeless. One is charity the other is societal pressure with no valid basis. I work in events and hospitality (not as a waiter). It is always nice to be recognised but in no way do I think I deserve tips. Even if I provide a good service. Generalising this single instance to not give money and assuming he in general only gives things for something in return is a little short-sighted. If I asked you for £20 right now, you'd tell me to bugger off. That doesn't make you entitled, it just means you don't want to spend MORE / any money than you feel you should have to, what ever the reason

Also I appreciate that she did tip when he wouldn't, but would it have hurt her to pay the tip without asking her date to pay it first? She clearly feels very entitled if she expects him to pay for the ENTIRE date.

Reply 97

She wasn't ungrateful, she just asked about him tipping and didn't like his response because she's interpreted his answer negatively, then she tipped herself! I'm not arguing about this ****. :facepalm:

Original post by Chief Wiggum

Lol what a load of nonsense.

Perhaps the OP being so ungrateful towards her boyfriend after he paid for her meal is a sign of her being entitled?

Reply 98

Mustafa0605

Don’t be so petty and silly. Maybe he is a careful spender and doesn’t just throw money around which means he’s a controlled and logical person which is very good.

Reply 99

Archurus23