Please can someone mark my creative writing it's topic is about an isolated place. Watch

Vetrix42
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Swish! Whine! Whistle!

The wind renewed its perpetual rage; like a distraught mother that had her new-born ripped from her untimely. Battering, smashing, exploding quietly everything in its path. Its destruction was uniform. The fortress of stone rocks clashed against the ominous dark wind. The abrading force of the wind was immense as it scraped violently against the archaic rocks. Lacerating was the pain that besieged the defenceless rocks (which cried out in humble submission), the wind ignored its pleas. Quickly, the wind’s biting cold pierced and exposed the gaps in the wall causing the rock to turn into small sediment, while shuddering, crumbling, trembling in fear of this unstoppable brute.

Swish! Whine! Whistle!

Pacing onwards, the wind haunted its next victim, the vast defenceless grassland ahead. The grassland was tormented by the wind’s relentless fury as it whipped nervousness into the wind’s inanimate foe; carefully, the wind struck into a quiet but exploding fury upon the innocent bed of daffodils. The once yellow petals turned into a violent amber by the wind’s ceaseless onslaught.

Swish! Whine! Whistle!

The biting, searching cold of the wind prowled stealthily like an unwelcome lion into the unsuspecting antelope’s watering-hole. Around the mountainous mountains causing the mountains to – thunder, boom, clash – in violent reproach against the wind. The clash illuminated the air transforming the mundane, melancholy suffocating atmosphere into one of vibrate passionate flair. However, the flair was short-lived and soon extinguished and smothered by the battle; as the mountains released a deep bellow causing a lacerating wound to whine which whirled away in wiching agony.

Swish! Whine! Whistle!

The deafening smell of decay from the stone fortress plagued the air. Additionally, to the fortress’ nervous sweat of apprehension caused the wind to hone in of the fortress. Acting callously and ruthlessly in nature the wind set its lustful sights on the stone fortress. Its extensive fortifications that spanned the fortresses’ entirety was just a mere toy in the sight of the wind. The wind played and laughed for a while but soon it grew bored. Utterly, obliterated the rubble lamented in defeat.

Swish! Whine! Whistle!

A ting of death lurked and marked the now barren, fruitless, miserable wasteland. The wind boomed triumphantly and oozed slowly into the dismal abyss.

Swish! Whine! Whistle!
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Tolgarda
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Do teachers not like marking work anymore or something?
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Vetrix42
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They refuse to mark during holiday.
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Vetrix42
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So I'd appreciate someone to mark it. I do AQA Exam Board.
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Good bloke
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(Original post by Vetrix42)
Swish! [a cane?] Whine! [a moaning child?] Whistle! [a football referee?]

The wind renewed its perpetual [why does something that is perpetual need renewing?] rage; like a distraught mother that had her new-born ripped from her untimely [her untimely what? A word seems to be missing here]. Battering, smashing, exploding [winds don't explode things] quietly [quiet explosions amd destruction?] everything in its path. Its destruction was uniform. The fortress of stone rocks clashed against the ominous dark wind [eh?]. The abrading force of the wind was immense as it scraped violently against the archaic rocks. Lacerating was the pain that besieged the defenceless rocks[rocks feel pain?] (which cried out in humble submission),[conjuction] the wind ignored its pleas. Quickly, the wind’s biting cold pierced and exposed the gaps in the wall causing the rock to turn into small sediment, while shuddering, crumbling, trembling in fear of this unstoppable brute.

Swish! Whine! Whistle! [same again]

Pacing [eh? Surely winds can be in many places at the same time?]onwards, the wind haunted its next victim, the vast defenceless grassland ahead. The grassland was tormented by the wind’s relentless fury as it whipped nervousness into the wind’s inanimate foe [what is the wind's foe?]; carefully [really?], the wind struck into a quiet but exploding [another oxymoron] fury upon the innocent bed of daffodils. The once yellow petals turned into a violent amber by the wind’s ceaseless onslaught. [can the wind do that? No]

Swish! Whine! Whistle!

The biting, searching cold of the wind prowled stealthily like an unwelcome lion into the unsuspecting antelope’s watering-hole. Around the mountainous mountains [ahem! What else wouyld they be?] causing the mountains to – thunder, boom, clash – in violent reproach against the wind [really?]. The clash illuminated the air transforming the mundane, melancholy suffocating atmosphere into one of vibrate passionate flair. However, the flair [or flare, perhaps] was short-lived and soon extinguished and smothered by the battle; as the mountains released a deep bellow causing a lacerating wound to whine [wpuinds whine, do they?] which whirled away in wiching [eh?] agony.

Swish! Whine! Whistle! [aarrgghh!]

The deafening smell of decay [smells deafen, eh?] from the stone fortress plagued the air. Additionally, to the fortress’[s] nervous sweat of apprehension caused the wind to hone in of [you should learn the difference between 'hone' and 'home in on' and that neither is apposite here] the fortress. Acting callously and ruthlessly in nature the wind set its lustful sights on the stone fortress. Its extensive fortifications that spanned the fortresses’ [either count your fortresses or re-read 'The Beginner's Guide to Apostrophes'] entirety [more repetition; fortifications, by definition, span the entirety of a fortress] was just a mere ['just' and 'mere' are repetitive] toy in the sight of the wind. The wind played and laughed for a while but soon it grew bored. Utterly, obliterated [check punctuation] the rubble lamented in [in?]defeat.

Swish! Whine! Whistle! [!]

A ting of death [ting? Really? lurked [lurkinging generally implies quite and unobtrusive activity. Does that apply here?] and marked the now barren, fruitless [more repetition], miserable wasteland. The wind boomed triumphantly and oozed slowly into the dismal abyss.

Swish! Whine! Whistle!
See my comments in the quote. The impression gained is of an attempt to ascribe odd effects to a wind rather than being in an isolated place.
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Vetrix42
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Thank You. What mark do you think it was? And what improvements should I make to my writing in general. Cos I tried to personify and the wind and employ a cyclical structure by starting and ending with Swish! and inbetween paragraphs to give the effect that it is never-ending.
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Good bloke
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(Original post by Vetrix42)
Thank You. What mark do you think it was? And what improvements should I make to my writing in general. Cos I tried to personify and the wind and employ a cyclical structure by starting and ending with Swish! and inbetween paragraphs to give the effect that it is never-ending.
I have no idea of a mark. I merely opined on a piece of writing that was trying too hard, in my view, and that had missed the point of the question. Yopu wrote primarily about a wind, not an isolated place. You should be careful about punctuation, avoid unintended repetition, and avoid ascribing preposterous attributes to things.
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