Cheated on my boyfriend. Feel awful. Should I tell him? Watch

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#41
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#41
Thank you. I will keep that in mind.
(Original post by generallee)
I don't think you should tell him, as I have said, but it is your life and you will do as you see fit.

Be really careful how you handle it, what you say. He will recall every word you utter, in the greatest detail fifty years from now. And will think of it, with the greatest pain, many many times in the years between today and then.
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markova21
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#42
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It would be worse if he knew. For him. I had an affair with a married man. I was about 22 and he was 35 I think. I confided in a friend of mine who is a Catholic nun. She said what we were doing was sinful, but she said it would be a far worse sin if the wife were to ever find out, as she would be deeply hurt and unhappy. What she didn't know didn't harm her and she was blissfully unaware and happy in her marriage. That's what a nun told me anyway. Obviously i'm not saying you are religious, but I thought the Catholic Church's definition was interesting. ( Slightly different as the man genuinely loved me very much. It's just that he met his wife first and loved her more). It wasn't just a lustful BJ.
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markova21
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#43
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If it was just a one off I would say nothing, move on with your life and put it down to experience. How do you know for sure he hasn't done something similar with another woman? You don't.
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UWS
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The logic of saying you love someone but then doing something that would absolutely devastate them. Don't lie to yourself here.

Can you deal with the guilt? Let's say he found out somehow, you'll really be in a world of ****.
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15nfulfsa
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#45
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just listen to what everyone is telling you. tell him, and get it over with, because the sooner you do it, the sooner you can move on.
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generallee
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#46
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#46
It isn't selfish to feel guilty, and I never said it was.

What IS selfish is to think of your own needs and feelings, rather than his.

You will feel better after you tell him, it will be a huge load off your shoulders, although there will be a different kind of guilt. But you won't suffer the terrible crushing burden of the guilt of deception any more, you will have "done the right thing", in your mind at least.

He won't feel better. He won't feel better at all.

Maybe there isn't a way of not hurting him, you are probably right. But how MUCH you hurt him is another matter.

You have already (literally) fuc'ed him over. Now you are going to rub his nose in it. Because you can't cope with the guilt of not telling him. Not to accept that, is not to be honest with yourself.

(Why is it the "right thing to do" by the way?? What on earth does that even mean in this context?)

Ask yourself, in his position, would you rather know, or not?
(Original post by Anonymous)
How is it selfish to feel guilty? I wasn't trying to tell him to assuage my guilt, but because I thought it is the right thing to do. I feel awful cause I know I f**ked up and he's going to get hurt because of my stupid actions. I would just break up with him but then he'll think it's something he's done. There's no way I can not hurt him to be honest.
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generallee
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(Original post by 15nfulfsa)
just listen to what everyone is telling you. tell him, and get it over with, because the sooner you do it, the sooner you can move on.
I repped you by mistake.

At the risk of repeating myself, this isn't about her "moving on" but him.
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Passwordisyou
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#48
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Im not sorry to shame you to be honest. You sucked another boys **** while in a relationship. If i found out there would be no forgiveness and u would be down the road.You need to control yourself and set boundaries when in a relationship, its a two way road.
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Passwordisyou
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#49
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What a great justification you have for yourself there...ever thought he might be innocent?
(Original post by markova21)
If it was just a one off I would say nothing, move on with your life and put it down to experience. How do you know for sure he hasn't done something similar with another woman? You don't.
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MatureScientist
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Honesty is always the best policy even though it is really hard today you stuffed up. But the thing is we’ve all stuffed up and whenever we say sorry and confess we’ve done wrong, the weight of shame and guilt is lifted from us. Have courage. Take courage and he’ll respect you for it. You’ll also have respect for yourself too. It’s like the guy the said, if you don’t admit what happened, you’ll be in a dark place, and that’s not a good place to be.
If you really like and possibly love this guy, you will be tru to your heart and your feelings for him, and you will do the right thing, and you know what the right thing to do is. It’s to be honest with him as you would like him to be honest with you.
Take courage. Take several breaths and share what’s on your heart. If he likes and loves you he’ll probably sense what’s troubling you. Bear Grylls says this: ‘ Being brave isn’t about not feeling scared. Real courage is all about overcoming your fears.’
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Rabbit2
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(Original post by Anonymous)
So I was at my mate's party and this guy I used to crush on was there too. My boyfriend was out of town and wasn't at the party. I started talking to the guy and we'd been both drinking a bit and well, I ended up sucking his d*** and he gave me oral as well. We did have sex.

I feel really awful about the whole thing. It was such a dumb thing to do. I love my boyfriend and would hate to hurt him. He came back home yesterday and I've just been carrying on as normal but I feel immensely guilty. Deep down I know that he deserves to know and have the chance to forgive or reject me but I don't want to lose him. Can I just put this behind me and carry on with our relationship?
There is a lot more to it than that [IMHO]. This guy 'you used to crush on' could well be HIV positive. To be safe, and to avoid infecting your BF, you should abstain from any contact with him until you test 'clean'. Since you can test negative for up to 2 months after being infected, this means celibacy for 8 weeks at a minimum. Otherwise, you can infect your BF, and anyone else you sleep with over those 2 months (assuming that your 'foot slips' fairly often that way). Now, if you don't CARE if you infect him, that's another issue - but if someone did that to me, i would be furious. Cheers.
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generallee
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#52
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There is no way he is going to respect her for telling him she sucked another guy's c0ck behind his back. No way.

He will feel a lot of emotions, disgust, contempt, revulsion, disappointment, emasculation, a shattering of his ego and collapse in his self esteem, a visceral hatred of the OP even probably. The one thing he WON'T feel is respect.


(Original post by MatureScientist)
Take courage and he’ll respect you for it.
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Melobond
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#53
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#53
if you don't want to tell him, break up with him. It's not fair to be with him when you've done something like that but if you don't want to break up then consider telling him and trying to work through it.
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MatureScientist
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#54
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He might do further down the line. He will respect her for her complete honesty. If these two people truly like and love each other, they will work through this setback. Society does not give credit to people who choose to give a relationship a second chance. Society pushes people to give up far too easily and quickly. Society doesn’t have the gumption to stick things out. Negativity is rife in society and hope is a very treasured commodity.
True love is a very powerful force, and it can and does surprise even the most hardened of hearts, minds and spirits. Relationships throughout the decades have clung into the slimmest of hopes and come through hell and high water to gain the ground that was thought to be lost.

No matter how each of us view this situation, life will still go on for these two individuals. Lessons will be learned, hearts will hurt, and hearts will heal, and after all is said and done, hope will always prevail in people’s hearts and minds.
(Original post by generallee)
There is no way he is going to respect her for telling him she sucked another guy's c0ck behind his back. No way.

He will feel a lot of emotions, disgust, contempt, revulsion, disappointment, emasculation, a shattering of his ego and collapse in his self esteem, a visceral hatred of the OP even probably. The one thing he WON'T feel is respect.
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DrawTheLine
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(Original post by Anonymous)
So I was at my mate's party and this guy I used to crush on was there too. My boyfriend was out of town and wasn't at the party. I started talking to the guy and we'd been both drinking a bit and well, I ended up sucking his d*** and he gave me oral as well. We did have sex.

I feel really awful about the whole thing. It was such a dumb thing to do. I love my boyfriend and would hate to hurt him. He came back home yesterday and I've just been carrying on as normal but I feel immensely guilty. Deep down I know that he deserves to know and have the chance to forgive or reject me but I don't want to lose him. Can I just put this behind me and carry on with our relationship?
You don't love him. You should tell him and break up with him so he can find someone who wouldn't do this to him. Being drunk is not an excuse. You don't forget you have a boyfriend when you're drunk. Maybe you shouldn't drink if you behave like this. Poor boyfriend, I hope he manages to find a good partner after you.
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MatureScientist
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Drink does lots of negative things to all of us who have got drunk. For starters it gives the mind a false sense of courage, we think we do anything without consequences. Too much alcohol does ruin lives, but for someone perhaps who isn’t used to being drunk, it can sideswipe them, so in her defense, being drunk is a definite excuse. Just like those those individuals who are duped by a drug that was slipped into their drink and are drugged, the combination of too much drink and perhaps not much food can have awful consequences.

I do believe that she does love him, because when shame comes upon a person, they feel utter despair, disgrace at what they allowed themselves to do, and it breaks the heart. And the individual reaches out to a variety of people to bounce ideas of help. I’m sure we’ve all been there, and none of us are immune to this type of scenario. And the one thing that can cut us to the heart is other people’s critical attitudes, misunderstandings or our own sense of self worth, and our own experiences of being hurt.

So imho go easy on the lady, give her the benefit of the doubt, and don’t be quick to judge her. I’m pretty sure you wouldn’t want to be treated in the same manner.
(Original post by DrawTheLine)
You don't love him. You should tell him and break up with him so he can find someone who wouldn't do this to him. Being drunk is not an excuse. You don't forget you have a boyfriend when you're drunk. Maybe you shouldn't drink if you behave like this. Poor boyfriend, I hope he manages to find a good partner after you.
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DrawTheLine
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(Original post by MatureScientist)
Drink does lots of negative things to all of us who have got drunk. For starters it gives the mind a false sense of courage, we think we do anything without consequences. Too much alcohol does ruin lives, but for someone perhaps who isn’t used to being drunk, it can sideswipe them, so in her defense, being drunk is a definite excuse. Just like those those individuals who are duped by a drug that was slipped into their drink and are drugged, the combination of too much drink and perhaps not much food can have awful consequences.

I do believe that she does love him, because when shame comes upon a person, they feel utter despair, disgrace at what they allowed themselves to do, and it breaks the heart. And the individual reaches out to a variety of people to bounce ideas of help. I’m sure we’ve all been there, and none of us are immune to this type of scenario. And the one thing that can cut us to the heart is other people’s critical attitudes, misunderstandings or our own sense of self worth, and our own experiences of being hurt.

So imho go easy on the lady, give her the benefit of the doubt, and don’t be quick to judge her. I’m pretty sure you wouldn’t want to be treated in the same manner.
Sorry but I can't have sympathy for people who cheat like this. Just my opinion.
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ItsTomii
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#58
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Don’t tell him then you’re a b*tch. End of.
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generallee
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#59
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(Original post by MatureScientist)
Drink does lots of negative things to all of us who have got drunk. For starters it gives the mind a false sense of courage, we think we do anything without consequences. Too much alcohol does ruin lives, but for someone perhaps who isn’t used to being drunk, it can sideswipe them, so in her defense, being drunk is a definite excuse. Just like those those individuals who are duped by a drug that was slipped into their drink and are drugged, the combination of too much drink and perhaps not much food can have awful consequences.

I do believe that she does love him, because when shame comes upon a person, they feel utter despair, disgrace at what they allowed themselves to do, and it breaks the heart. And the individual reaches out to a variety of people to bounce ideas of help. I’m sure we’ve all been there, and none of us are immune to this type of scenario. And the one thing that can cut us to the heart is other people’s critical attitudes, misunderstandings or our own sense of self worth, and our own experiences of being hurt.

So imho go easy on the lady, give her the benefit of the doubt, and don’t be quick to judge her. I’m pretty sure you wouldn’t want to be treated in the same manner.
Drink isn't an excuse. There is no way I would suck anyone's c0ck, however drunk I was. No way on earth.

Now you may say I am a straight guy so it is different but it isn't. She wouldn't have given a wino tramp a blow job, however drunk she was would she?

She did it because she found c0ck guy really hot, she wanted to. There's the long and short of it. Most women (given the chance) behave like whores, and most men (given the chance) are even worse and will f'ck almost any girl that lies back with her legs open. It's human nature, we are not designed for monogamy as a species.

And I am not being judgmental. I have done bad things in relationships myself, I am no better than her morally. I just think she needs to take responsibility for, and ownership of, her recent actions and the harm and hurt they will cause her boyfriend.

And above all to think of him and his feelings going forward, not how it makes her feel.
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barnetlad
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#60
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Drink less in future regardless of whether you stay with him.
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