Creative Writing AQA Language Paper 1 Question 5 - Answer someone mark Watch

Vetrix42
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Swish! Whine! Whistle!

The wind oozed in from the dismal abyss. The wind renewed its perpetual rage; like a distraught mother that had her new-born ripped from her untimely. Battering, smashing, exploding quietly everything in its path. Its destruction was uniform. The fortress of stone rocks clashed against the ominous dark wind. The abrading force of the wind was immense as it scraped violently against the archaic rocks. Lacerating was the pain that besieged the defenceless rocks (which cried out in humble submission), the wind ignored its pleas. Quickly, the wind’s biting cold pierced and exposed the gaps in the wall causing the rock to turn into small sediment, while shuddering, crumbling, trembling in fear of this unstoppable brute.

Swish!

Pacing onwards, the wind haunted its next victim, the vast defenceless grassland ahead. The grassland was tormented by the wind’s relentless fury as it whipped nervousness into the wind’s inanimate foe; carefully, the wind struck into a quiet but exploding fury upon the innocent bed of daffodils. The once yellow petals turned into a violent amber by the wind’s ceaseless onslaught.

Swish!

The biting, searching cold of the wind prowled stealthily like an unwelcome lion into the unsuspecting antelope’s watering-hole. Around the mountainous mountains causing the mountains to – thunder, boom, clash – in violent reproach against the wind. The clash illuminated the air transforming the mundane, melancholy suffocating atmosphere into one of vibrate passionate flair. However, the flair was short-lived and soon extinguished and smothered by the battle; as the mountains released a deep bellow causing a lacerating wound to whine which whirled away in wiching agony.

Swish!
The deafening smell of decay from the stone fortress plagued the air. Additionally, to the fortress’ nervous sweat of apprehension caused the wind to hone in of the fortress. Acting callously and ruthlessly in nature the wind set its lustful sights on the stone fortress. Its extensive fortifications that spanned the fortresses’ entirety was just a mere toy in the sight of the wind. The wind played and laughed for a while but soon it grew bored. Utterly, obliterated the rubble lamented in defeat.

Swish!

A ting of death lurked and marked the now barren, fruitless, miserable wasteland. The wind boomed triumphantly and oozed slowly into the dismal abyss.

Swish! Whine! Whistle!
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Vetrix42
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I do AQA and can some mark it and give me feedback and the mark should be out of 40.
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Vetrix42
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file:///C:/Users/The%20Bejides/Pictures/Scans/English%20Language%20Paper%201%2 0Qu%205.pdf

This is the link to the question.
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giella
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Too many adverbs. Misused adverbs ie your use of untimely in the first line.

Structurally confusing.
Try to keep it to one idea per paragraph.

The pathetic fallacy you’re using is confusing too. I don’t really understand what you’re trying to do. Pathetic fallacy only really works when there’s a human observer or something at stake. It just sounds like a monster attacking somebody rather assisting the imagination to picture the landscape, or experience the wind.

Show, don’t tell. First rule of writing.
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giella
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If I were marking I’d be giving this somewhere around the 50% range.
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Grizwuld
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(Original post by Vetrix42)
file:///C:/Users/The%20Bejides/Pictures/Scans/English%20Language%20Paper%201%2 0Qu%205.pdf

This is the link to the question.
I think not. Seems like an internal reference to a place on a PC - but whose one wonders?
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Quick-use
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I would remove all of the instances of 'Swish! Whine! Whistle!' When I read those parts, it reminded me of a children's book - the ones with loads of funny sounding words to entertain toddlers and the like. It sounded really funny but I'm pretty sure that's not what you were intending at all.

'The wind oozed in from the dismal abyss.' -> I'm pretty sure oozed isn't the word you're looking for... Dismal abyss? What exactly is this abyss that you're referring to and do you have to say that the abyss is dismal? An abyss is already considered dark and scary, so you saying that it's dismal (or gloomy) makes it sound less scary than it actually is which I'm guessing is not what you were intending.

'ominous dark wind' - why is the wind 'dark' and 'ominous'? What's the difference between dark and ominous? What do both words add to 'wind'?

'The deafening smell of decay from the stone fortress plagued the air.' - How can the smell of decay be deafening?

It seems like you're just writing random words that could potentially go well together. But, there's no content or meaning at all - all you have are a random combination of words. I'd recommend starting a new piece. You don't really have a single sentence that works. Write something simple with a good direction and once you've finished, then you can consider embellishing it.
Last edited by Quick-use; 5 days ago
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Bill Nye
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(Original post by Vetrix42)
file:///C:/Users/The%20Bejides/Pictures/Scans/English%20Language%20Paper%201%2 0Qu%205.pdf

This is the link to the question.
Well, the 20 Bejides, it seems that this is not a link
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