Am I being over the top? I don't want to make the wrong choice and dump him Watch

lilypel
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Please help! - We are 24 (him) and 23 (me)

Everything was AMAZING at first, he made effort and was just generally lovely.

We are now 4 months in.

1 - He said he could come on my family holiday but sneakily booked another holiday and I found out by asking him.

2 - He tells me he thinks girls are fit in the street and once flirted with a cashier to get a discount and left me stood in a corner with our bags whilst he did so

3 - He said he's a lone wolf

4 - Doesn't want to stay over at mine, only once a week and we live close by with our friends

5 - He forgot we were going to this concert and booked to go home

6 - he said he let a girl in his office borrow his socks? and I find this weird lol..he had a spare pair

7 - I helped him to try and find a house and he disregarded this help and said he doesn't like being told what to do


Obviously he can be nice, and we get on extremely well but I don't get why all this has happened?

I don't ask for him to stay a lot, nor do I really call or text him, I'm quite independent and have my own thing going on. I've occasionally maybe once a month asked him to stay one weeknight because I've been stressed or just want his company to which he has flat out refused.
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CommanderKeen
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1. I have done than many, many times, no guy will want to spend couple of days with your father unless he is then Elon Musk.

2. Should he pretend that they are all ugly?

3. Most guys are, at least in comparison to women, you might be a bit "stalk-ish"...

4. How about leaving him alone?

5. Wow, he is not perfect

6. and?

7. Wow, you must be annoying.


If he is willing to tolerate you, don't dump him...
(Original post by lilypel)
Please help! - We are 24 (him) and 23 (me)

Everything was AMAZING at first, he made effort and was just generally lovely.

We are now 4 months in.

1 - He said he could come on my family holiday but sneakily booked another holiday and I found out by asking him.

2 - He tells me he thinks girls are fit in the street and once flirted with a cashier to get a discount and left me stood in a corner with our bags whilst he did so

3 - He said he's a lone wolf

4 - Doesn't want to stay over at mine, only once a week and we live close by with our friends

5 - He forgot we were going to this concert and booked to go home

6 - he said he let a girl in his office borrow his socks? and I find this weird lol..he had a spare pair

7 - I helped him to try and find a house and he disregarded this help and said he doesn't like being told what to do


Obviously he can be nice, and we get on extremely well but I don't get why all this has happened?

I don't ask for him to stay a lot, nor do I really call or text him, I'm quite independent and have my own thing going on. I've occasionally maybe once a month asked him to stay one weeknight because I've been stressed or just want his company to which he has flat out refused.
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AzureCeleste
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Flirting with a cashier in front of you is just not done. He's in a relationship, he should know better
Not wanting to stay over seems weird- why/ why not? I will say it is still early in the relationship so you don't want to spend all your time together necessarily
Forgetting concert- did you remind him or anything? That's the sort of thing you'd hope he'd keep a note of
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77070Winner
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You found red warning flags. Don't wait, start looking for new candidates with merit and let him go.
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bones-mccoy
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You are much more emotionally invested in this relationship than he is. Could this just be a bit of a rough patch?
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lilypel
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to him nothing is wrong though? he's enjoying everything
(Original post by bones-mccoy)
You are much more emotionally invested in this relationship than he is. Could this just be a bit of a rough patch?
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Jenniferann232
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(Original post by lilypel)
to him nothing is wrong though? he's enjoying everything
Yes, he’s enjoying it because you’re allowing him to walk all over you it sounds like. If this is going wrong at 4 months what’s going to have happened by 4 years? 40 years? He doesn’t come over when you’re stressed etc, forgot the concert. Yeah probably too early for a family holiday. He flirts with cashiers to get a discount - not on and the sock thing? That’s plain weird, why was this office girl desperate for socks, could be completely innocent.

Red flags.

Discuss them with him and if he doesn’t care and doesn’t change then dump him. Simples
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lilypel
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I have discussed the staying over to which he said why is it such a big deal we stay over once a week?
(Original post by Jenniferann232)
Yes, he’s enjoying it because you’re allowing him to walk all over you it sounds like. If this is going wrong at 4 months what’s going to have happened by 4 years? 40 years? He doesn’t come over when you’re stressed etc, forgot the concert. Yeah probably too early for a family holiday. He flirts with cashiers to get a discount - not on and the sock thing? That’s plain weird, why was this office girl desperate for socks, could be completely innocent.

Red flags.

Discuss them with him and if he doesn’t care and doesn’t change then dump him. Simples
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Anonymous #1
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He sounds very immature. I would move on personally.
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yotsr123
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(Original post by lilypel)
Please help! - We are 24 (him) and 23 (me)

Everything was AMAZING at first, he made effort and was just generally lovely.

We are now 4 months in.

1 - He said he could come on my family holiday but sneakily booked another holiday and I found out by asking him.

2 - He tells me he thinks girls are fit in the street and once flirted with a cashier to get a discount and left me stood in a corner with our bags whilst he did so

3 - He said he's a lone wolf

4 - Doesn't want to stay over at mine, only once a week and we live close by with our friends

5 - He forgot we were going to this concert and booked to go home

6 - he said he let a girl in his office borrow his socks? and I find this weird lol..he had a spare pair

7 - I helped him to try and find a house and he disregarded this help and said he doesn't like being told what to do


Obviously he can be nice, and we get on extremely well but I don't get why all this has happened?

I don't ask for him to stay a lot, nor do I really call or text him, I'm quite independent and have my own thing going on. I've occasionally maybe once a month asked him to stay one weeknight because I've been stressed or just want his company to which he has flat out refused.
I feel like this is HEAVILY biased and edited because it is your perspective.
1 - Does he NEED to tell you everything he does?
2 - I feel like this was just your perspective. If it is true, telling you that other girls are fit and flirting with cashiers isn't the best thing to do, so perhaps communicate with him on that.
3 - What led to him saying that?
4 - Is he a busy guy?
5 - Why did he forget?
6 - They are just socks. Nothing weird about that.
7 - Context? Maybe you were being overbearing and forcing your views (what YOU like in a house) on him.
As you can see, we will need his perspective or more context.
You will also need to communicate more with him on what you want out of the relationship.
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lilypel
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No he doesn't need to tell me everything he does.

1 - He said he would come on my family holiday and then didn't say he wasn't and booked another holiday, same dates.
2 - He told me he couldn't work his magic if I was stood right next to him so left in at other side of shop
3 - because I had said it was weird he hung out with me and I asked him to stay and he didn't
4 - Not really, once a week is fine but occasionally if I asked I don't see the big deal if he isn't doing anything
5 - I don't know why he forgot, he didn't really want to come I guess
6 - fair I agree
7 - no I just got a list of houses for him because he said he couldn't be bothered to search for them. He separately told me if someone tells him what to do it will make him not want to do it.
(Original post by yotsr123)
I feel like this is HEAVILY biased and edited because it is your perspective.
1 - Does he NEED to tell you everything he does?
2 - I feel like this was just your perspective. If it is true, telling you that other girls are fit and flirting with cashiers isn't the best thing to do, so perhaps communicate with him on that.
3 - What led to him saying that?
4 - Is he a busy guy?
5 - Why did he forget?
6 - They are just socks. Nothing weird about that.
7 - Context? Maybe you were being overbearing and forcing your views (what YOU like in a house) on him.
As you can see, we will need his perspective or more context.
You will also need to communicate more with him on what you want out of the relationship.
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yotsr123
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(Original post by lilypel)
No he doesn't need to tell me everything he does.

1 - He said he would come on my family holiday and then didn't say he wasn't and booked another holiday, same dates.
2 - He told me he couldn't work his magic if I was stood right next to him so left in at other side of shop
3 - because I had said it was weird he hung out with me and I asked him to stay and he didn't
4 - Not really, once a week is fine but occasionally if I asked I don't see the big deal if he isn't doing anything
5 - I don't know why he forgot, he didn't really want to come I guess
6 - fair I agree
7 - no I just got a list of houses for him because he said he couldn't be bothered to search for them. He separately told me if someone tells him what to do it will make him not want to do it.
Ahh, ok. He seems to be very, very immature. What you described is reminiscent of a 15 year old boys behaviour.
1 - That's not ok. He should have communicated with your first!
2 - What an immature thing to say. Is he 14?!
3 - Again, very weird. It almost seems as if he doesn't like hanging out with you.
4 - Right, if he isn't busy and you guys are together you should want to hang out with each other. Of course not every day of every hour of every minute as everyone needs some alone time, however hanging out fairly frequently is something that you shouldn't have to ask of him. It should be automatic - people that love each other automatically want to spend time with each other.
5 - Lack of communication on his part.
6 -
7 - You are not his mother. ''If someone tells him what to do it makes him not want to do it.'' I'm sorry if this sounds offensive but why are you with him, really? This sounds like something a toddler would say. What adult would look at a list and throw a tantrum because 'someone told me to do it so I don't want to.' It screams of immaturity.

I think he needs to mature A LOT in this relationship. If he doesn't you might need to move on and find someone more mature and more communicative. He doesn't seem ready for a relationship.
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lilypel
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Thanks for reading it all back and helping!

Yeah I think underlying is he's extremely immature. Funny thing is, is his friend (who introduced us a mutual friend) told him not to mess me around and treat me well. He has a track record of just seeing a girl for a few months then getting bored. He says me and him are different as he's asked me out and he never does that, and he says we have a special relationship. Maybe I should chill out? but I'm only asking for simple things such as if I ask him to stay over (which honestly is once in a blue moon) not to feel like it's a hassle to him.

Just don't want to regret breaking it off but it's causing me much anxiety.
(Original post by yotsr123)
Ahh, ok. He seems to be very, very immature. What you described is reminiscent of a 15 year old boys behaviour.
1 - That's not ok. He should have communicated with your first!
2 - What an immature thing to say. Is he 14?!
3 - Again, very weird. It almost seems as if he doesn't like hanging out with you.
4 - Right, if he isn't busy and you guys are together you should want to hang out with each other. Of course not every day of every hour of every minute as everyone needs some alone time, however hanging out fairly frequently is something that you shouldn't have to ask of him. It should be automatic - people that love each other automatically want to spend time with each other.
5 - Lack of communication on his part.
6 -
7 - You are not his mother. ''If someone tells him what to do it makes him not want to do it.'' I'm sorry if this sounds offensive but why are you with him, really? This sounds like something a toddler would say. What adult would look at a list and throw a tantrum because 'someone told me to do it so I don't want to.' It screams of immaturity.

I think he needs to mature A LOT in this relationship. If he doesn't you might need to move on and find someone more mature and more communicative. He doesn't seem ready for a relationship.
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Anonymous #1
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(Original post by lilypel)
Thanks for reading it all back and helping!

Yeah I think underlying is he's extremely immature. Funny thing is, is his friend (who introduced us a mutual friend) told him not to mess me around and treat me well. He has a track record of just seeing a girl for a few months then getting bored. He says me and him are different as he's asked me out and he never does that, and he says we have a special relationship. Maybe I should chill out? but I'm only asking for simple things such as if I ask him to stay over (which honestly is once in a blue moon) not to feel like it's a hassle to him.

Just don't want to regret breaking it off but it's causing me much anxiety.
If a guy has a history of messing women around, then you are most definitely not going to change him. Never think that you can change him because what you have is special etc - life doesn’t work like that. People very rarely change and they only change if they want to.

Flirting with girls in front of you indicates that he doesn’t respect you. It’s obviously ok to think that other people are attractive, but you don’t really voice that to your partner either. He doesn’t seem to consider your feelings in general and he’s very self-centered and childish. I think he’s worse than a 15 year old; he has the attention span of a ten year old.
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Allie4
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(Original post by CommanderKeen)
1. I have done than many, many times, no guy will want to spend couple of days with your father unless he is then Elon Musk.

2. Should he pretend that they are all ugly?

3. Most guys are, at least in comparison to women, you might be a bit "stalk-ish"...

4. How about leaving him alone?

5. Wow, he is not perfect

6. and?

7. Wow, you must be annoying.


If he is willing to tolerate you, don't dump him...
yeah because this wouldn't bother you at all if your girlfriend was doing all of the above(!)

in fact, i hope she does.
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Allie4
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yeah dump him. hes clearly not ready to commit to you fully
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ageshallnot
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You have posted this story, or slight variants of it, more than 20 times on TSR. What are you trying to achieve???
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bones-mccoy
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(Original post by lilypel)
to him nothing is wrong though? he's enjoying everything
Yes, but you're not. To me it seems like the day to day stuff is okay but he's not bothered about the serious stuff or looking into the future with you. Not wanting to stay over is a massive red flag as well, it's not like you're wanting him to stop all the time, just one day a week which gives him plenty of time to do his own thing. You've posted this exact scenario before and pretty much everyone has said the same thing - find someone who wants to actually put effort into a relationship.
Last edited by bones-mccoy; 1 month ago
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shadowdweller
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I think most of these could be troubling, depending on the surrounding circumstances - have you tried talking to him about it all?

I don't see the issue with the socks one though - he had a spare and she needed them, seems pretty nice of him imo :dontknow:
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DrawTheLine
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(Original post by ageshallnot)
You have posted this story, or slight variants of it, more than 20 times on TSR. What are you trying to achieve???
I noticed this too. Never understood why people post the same thing more than once! My advice is still the same as what I gave on one of the other threads.
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