Can someone mark my English Language P1 Q5? Watch

TheFlash2024
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Burning ice
Incessantly shaking. Micavs’ hands are melting slowly like the ice around him, he Is experiencing a silent hypothermic death and his once lively, energetic hands are wrinkle-ridden now, he sits and patiently awaits his death calling out to him-he refuses to be swallowed by the omnipotent villain and begins to fight vigorously.
His skull is frozen but the ice melts gradually and he gains the strength to arise from his death cage. Dead. Or so he thought. Now he’s running like a man who is unaware of the reason of his still running. He pants heavily and can feel the soft, gentle air rush around him- he closes his eyes. Bad choice. Instantly he finds himself submerged under the melted ice. A deadly shock rush upon him. He has one goal. Survive. Eager to reach his head above the surface he attempts to tread the water. 5 minutes. 10 minutes. 30 minutes. Nothing.

A deathlike stillness fills the atmosphere. His body laying flat on the water as a boat now sunk once did. The life he once knew is being sucked out of him as his skin turns pale. He is a victim of the Clyde’s river now. But he isn’t. Suddenly, he arises as Lazarus once did from the peaceful death he was consumed by. After several coughs he continues his fight for life and reaches out for the nearest solid object. Where is it? He opens his eyes and what he sees confirms his inevitable death.

Nothing. Nowhere. He screams but hears nothing but the water’s gentle waves and small pellets spitting out almost to mock Micav. He feels the ocean slap his already frozen face.
Now he’s awake. He opens his eyes and see’s in front of him his dead wife. Everything is okay now. His now sore, right red cheek rejuvenates from its previous cold state. But now he faces something far worse than death. He looks around to see he is surrounded by fire canons burning bright.
Today he faces the worst punishment known to man. A creature like red horned serpent crawls towards him. But he’s lost for words. His skin now turning to ever-burning ashes. An influx of some familiar faces run towards him, but they are not as he once knew them. Their faces’ scare him; their silhouettes bring his hairs to a lift. Still silent he watches himself die. Forever.
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TheFlash2024
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Sorry, the question is:
Write a story set by a riverside (40marks) 24 content and organisation and 16 for Techincal accuracy
This is only part of my response by the way
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Grizwuld
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I don't feel qualified to "mark" your work but would you like some criticism of your 'dark' piece?

For example in your 1st para you have two sentences; one of two words and one of some 30-50 is that deliberate or should that first full-stop be a comma?

The 2nd sentence is very long and perhaps rather convoluted. Might not turning it into several shorter sentences be more impactful?

(Original post by TheFlash2024)
Sorry, the question is:
Write a story set by a riverside (40marks) 24 content and organisation and 16 for Techincal accuracy
This is only part of my response by the way
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TheFlash2024
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Yh the short then long sentence was deliberate. But i understand that perhaps shortening it would make it more impactful. Thank you
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Tolgarda
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Peng writing fam.
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Grizwuld
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"A deathlike stillness fills the atmosphere. His body laying flat on the water as a boat now sunk once did. The life he once knew is being sucked out of him as his skin turns pale. He is a victim of the Clyde’s river now. But he isn’t. Suddenly, he arises as Lazarus once did from the peaceful death he was consumed by. After several coughs he continues his fight for life and reaches out for the nearest solid object. Where is it? He opens his eyes and what he sees confirms his inevitable death."


Para 3 "once" very, very, very (3) popular. Is this your intention for some reason?
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Rebekah_951
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(Original post by TheFlash2024)
Burning ice
Incessantly shaking. Micavs’ hands are melting slowly like the ice around him, he Is experiencing a silent hypothermic death and his once lively, energetic hands are wrinkle-ridden now, he sits and patiently awaits his death calling out to him-he refuses to be swallowed by the omnipotent villain and begins to fight vigorously.
His skull is frozen but the ice melts gradually and he gains the strength to arise from his death cage. Dead. Or so he thought. Now he’s running like a man who is unaware of the reason of his still running. He pants heavily and can feel the soft, gentle air rush around him- he closes his eyes. Bad choice. Instantly he finds himself submerged under the melted ice. A deadly shock rush upon him. He has one goal. Survive. Eager to reach his head above the surface he attempts to tread the water. 5 minutes. 10 minutes. 30 minutes. Nothing.

A deathlike stillness fills the atmosphere. His body laying flat on the water as a boat now sunk once did. The life he once knew is being sucked out of him as his skin turns pale. He is a victim of the Clyde’s river now. But he isn’t. Suddenly, he arises as Lazarus once did from the peaceful death he was consumed by. After several coughs he continues his fight for life and reaches out for the nearest solid object. Where is it? He opens his eyes and what he sees confirms his inevitable death.

Nothing. Nowhere. He screams but hears nothing but the water’s gentle waves and small pellets spitting out almost to mock Micav. He feels the ocean slap his already frozen face.
Now he’s awake. He opens his eyes and see’s in front of him his dead wife. Everything is okay now. His now sore, right red cheek rejuvenates from its previous cold state. But now he faces something far worse than death. He looks around to see he is surrounded by fire canons burning bright.
Today he faces the worst punishment known to man. A creature like red horned serpent crawls towards him. But he’s lost for words. His skin now turning to ever-burning ashes. An influx of some familiar faces run towards him, but they are not as he once knew them. Their faces’ scare him; their silhouettes bring his hairs to a lift. Still silent he watches himself die. Forever.
Again not sure if I am "qualified" to mark it, but this is a good piece of writing and I would say it would probably get 33/40.
Content and Organisation: 20
Technical Accuracy: 13

-It is a very imaginative story, however I think you could be a bit more adventurous and inventive with your structure. It flows, however a cyclical narrative i.e. ending with 2 words like the beginning or going back to the temperature idea and saying that instead of "ice" and "hypother(mia)" , its now hot and searing. I think you slightly touched on that idea as Micav is now in flaming hell, instead of the ice river. However, I think an extended metaphor of this temperature change of cold to hot would of been very memorable and more effective. Hope this makes sense.
- Your writing is accurate with all works spelt correctly (I don't know if thats because of auto correct on computers ), your choice of words are engaging, some words could still be a bit more adventurous. Punctuation wise, its is very limited. Which is why your in the top band, but not any higher. Using dashes and semi colons correctly would make it even more engaging.
Overall it's a very enagaging story
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TheFlash2024
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Thanks . I will take your structural feedback on board. And i am very pleased with the mark you gave me, i will also try to expand my puntuation as well as vocabularly.
(Original post by Rebekah_951)
Again not sure if I am "qualified" to mark it, but this is a good piece of writing and I would say it would probably get 33/40.
Content and Organisation: 20
Technical Accuracy: 13

-It is a very imaginative story, however I think you could be a bit more adventurous and inventive with your structure. It flows, however a cyclical narrative i.e. ending with 2 words like the beginning or going back to the temperature idea and saying that instead of "ice" and "hypother(mia)" , its now hot and searing. I think you slightly touched on that idea as Micav is now in flaming hell, instead of the ice river. However, I think an extended metaphor of this temperature change of cold to hot would of been very memorable and more effective. Hope this makes sense.
- Your writing is accurate with all works spelt correctly (I don't know if thats because of auto correct on computers ), your choice of words are engaging, some words could still be a bit more adventurous. Punctuation wise, its is very limited. Which is why your in the top band, but not any higher. Using dashes and semi colons correctly would make it even more engaging.
Overall it's a very enagaging story
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TheFlash2024
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#9
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No the repetiition of "once was not intentional, i will try to avoid overusing it. Thanks .
(Original post by Grizwuld)
"A deathlike stillness fills the atmosphere. His body laying flat on the water as a boat now sunk once did. The life he once knew is being sucked out of him as his skin turns pale. He is a victim of the Clyde’s river now. But he isn’t. Suddenly, he arises as Lazarus once did from the peaceful death he was consumed by. After several coughs he continues his fight for life and reaches out for the nearest solid object. Where is it? He opens his eyes and what he sees confirms his inevitable death."


Para 3 "once" very, very, very (3) popular. Is this your intention for some reason?
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TheFlash2024
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#10
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Thanks, but could you give it a mark or something. Also why do you always speak with slang like a roadman?
(Original post by Tolgarda)
Peng writing fam.
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TheFlash2024
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#11
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You said i could've used an extended metaphor to describe temperature change. Could you please give me an example of what you mean here?
(Original post by Rebekah_951)
Again not sure if I am "qualified" to mark it, but this is a good piece of writing and I would say it would probably get 33/40.
Content and Organisation: 20
Technical Accuracy: 13

-It is a very imaginative story, however I think you could be a bit more adventurous and inventive with your structure. It flows, however a cyclical narrative i.e. ending with 2 words like the beginning or going back to the temperature idea and saying that instead of "ice" and "hypother(mia)" , its now hot and searing. I think you slightly touched on that idea as Micav is now in flaming hell, instead of the ice river. However, I think an extended metaphor of this temperature change of cold to hot would of been very memorable and more effective. Hope this makes sense.
- Your writing is accurate with all works spelt correctly (I don't know if thats because of auto correct on computers ), your choice of words are engaging, some words could still be a bit more adventurous. Punctuation wise, its is very limited. Which is why your in the top band, but not any higher. Using dashes and semi colons correctly would make it even more engaging.
Overall it's a very enagaging story
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Tolgarda
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(Original post by TheFlash2024)
Thanks, but could you give it a mark or something. Also why do you always speak with slang like a roadman?
I'm not qualified to mark your ting, innit fam.

Bruv, what's wrong with slang? My English is SICK fam. Don't you dare give me that disrespect fam. Man don't appreciate that, you get me?
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RazzzBerries
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(Original post by Tolgarda)
I'm not qualified to mark your ting, innit fam.

Bruv, what's wrong with slang? My English is SICK fam. Don't you dare give me that disrespect fam. Man don't appreciate that, you get me?
:lol:
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Rebekah_951
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(Original post by TheFlash2024)
You said i could've used an extended metaphor to describe temperature change. Could you please give me an example of what you mean here?
Ermmm, maybe try personifying the temperature throughout, to perhaps be people. So perhaps something along the lines of: Menacingly, the merciless cold water began to strangle Micav, prohibiting him from breathing- removing any sense of hope from his fragile body. Then go on to say how: The relentless lashes from the cold commanders and the sharp swarm of soldiers above, eventually emptied all life from Micav.
Hopeless. Lifeless. Gone..
Then now introduce the same idea but with heat (as he has died and is in hell) so: A deathlike stillness filled the atmosphere. Suddenly an immense sea of heat shrouded Micav, encapsulating every inch of his soul. Micav fearfully opened his eyes, only to see his worse nightmare. The relentless lashes from the cold commander, were now searing the surface of his soul. Pain radiated from Micav, as he struggled to comprehend his new surroundings.

This is just an idea, but personify the temperature throughout would help reinforce your idea of the coldness of the lake killing Micav. Then to end perhaps return to the opening with
"Burning Ice". That would be REALLY good, that would 100% boost this essay up to probably nearly full marks. If you want another example just say
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TheFlash2024
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Thank you so much . I will try to include this in my assesment tomorrow.
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TheFlash2024
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ur black arent u. Not to be racist (i'm black too)
(Original post by Tolgarda)
I'm not qualified to mark your ting, innit fam.

Bruv, what's wrong with slang? My English is SICK fam. Don't you dare give me that disrespect fam. Man don't appreciate that, you get me?
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Rebekah_951
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(Original post by TheFlash2024)
Thank you so much . I will try to include this in my assesment tomorrow.
good luck!!!!
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Rebekah_951
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(Original post by TheFlash2024)
ur black arent u. Not to be racist (i'm black too)
Looooll
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Tolgarda
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(Original post by TheFlash2024)
ur black arent u. Not to be racist (i'm black too)
Couldn't be further from the truth.

Shows just how powerful language can be. You probably thought that I failed my English GCSE too lol. The reality is very different, my friend.
Last edited by Tolgarda; 3 weeks ago
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TheFlash2024
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Loool
(Original post by Tolgarda)
Couldn't be further from the truth.

Shows just how powerful language can be. You probably thought that I failed my English GCSE too lol. The reality is very different, my friend.
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