Have I destroyed my life? Watch

Fraxinus
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Report Thread starter 2 months ago
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Hi

So in 2015, I did a year of medical and pharmacological sciences at Coventry (home town) but decided I wanted to be a pharmacist instead.

So on a whim I applied for, and started, a pharmacy degree at De Montfort. I then quit again after 1 year thinking that it was the wrong route, that DMU was not for me and that I preferred the original degree at Cov.

Of course, I decided to return to the original degree at Coventry for year 2 and failed two modules. I needed to retake the modules for this academic year if I wanted to go into year 3.
This entire year, I have not attended a single lecture, I haven't even checked to see whats happening, when the exams are etc. and I've even missed exams and coursework - but I just don't care. It's worth noting that I regret leaving the pharmacy course so bad.

Basically, I have 'treatment resistant' major depression and anxiety, panic, agoraphobia and very mild psychosis.
I've been taking a cocktail of medication before I even began university and throughout, the medication has been changing. I see a psychiatrist every few months and he alters the drugs since this illness is extremely stubborn.

I've reached a point now where I don't want to continue university anymore, I don't even want to pursue anything in science (bio, chem, maths) - the only thing I've enjoyed studying.

I have no idea what to do anymore, in fact, I couldn't continue university anyway as I've used up all student finance funding.
I work at Tesco at the moment and dread to think that I've completely ruined my life.

I had huge aspirations to be successful, to have a career I adore, and I thought that I would realise what I wanted to do during university.
The complete opposite has happened and I am completely lost.
As you could imagine, this has just exacerbated the mental health problems and it's getting so much more difficult to gain motivation - no motivation to reconsider what to do, no motivation to socialise (I have no friends anymore anyway), no motivation to wake up, to brush teeth, to shower etc...

There is nothing that interests me whatsoever anymore and I'm filling out my university withdrawal form as I write this. It's making me cry and feel sick even though I know uni will be a waste of time.
I've upset my family by leaving - they all *knew* I would get far academically since I was brilliant at it until a couple years ago. Now, I'm not even the same person to them.

I'm 22, I live with my mother and her partner, and my elder sister stays a few days a week.
By now, I should be graduating, going into a career I like and actually getting somewhere. Instead I do a job I cannot stand, with no friends, a family who are disappointed, no hobbies, no interests... and my mental health is probably at the worst it's ever been. I can't even see my psychiatrist for several months because he's taken annual leave and I haven't been booked an appointment yet.

I'd appreciate it so so so much if anyone could give some advice, thoughts, opinions, anything really. I guess I might just even be seeking some kind of hope; I don't know.

Thank you :)
Last edited by shadowdweller; 2 months ago
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Kernanicus
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I know what it's like to completely let down your family over what they always thought you would do. I come from a big time naval family and I was pretty much destined from birth to join the naval boarding college at age 16 but missed the necessary grades to get there at GCSE.

Afterwards I did nothing for months got a boring job (at Tesco funnily enough) and didn't make any arrangements for further education, I had always wanted to be a military person and now this was all gone. I felt guilty almost like had betrayed my entire family because they had always supported me in trying to get into the navy and I had let them down.

Over the next few months in between feeling sorry for myself I read a lot and found that I had other interests that weren't what I had been so focused on for the last few years, and I can now say that pursuing those interests was way better than continuing in my self-pity (I'm finishing university next week). I can't understand your illness or specific circumstances but like me maybe if you give yourself time this summer away from your studies you will find other areas that will be exciting and interesting to you.

In the meantime it may be worth contacting the university to tell them of your circumstances, from my experience universities are getting much better on this. I really relate to you feeling like you've let down your family, I felt the same but after giving myself some time away from constant education I've found new interests and a new career which I'm excited about and feel is really my choice.
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Fraxinus
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Thank you for sharing that, I'm glad you found your interests and are picking things up again, well done! I will definitely contact the university and inform them, or just drop out altogether because I have no interest anymore.

Yeah I might just do that, look for things that interest me this summer. I have found one new interest and I'm working on developing my skills there; it's in finance and now I have a goal to obtain a specific certificate. It'll take a few years and will keep me busy I guess.
(Original post by Kernanicus)
I know what it's like to completely let down your family over what they always thought you would do. I come from a big time naval family and I was pretty much destined from birth to join the naval boarding college at age 16 but missed the necessary grades to get there at GCSE.

Afterwards I did nothing for months got a boring job (at Tesco funnily enough) and didn't make any arrangements for further education, I had always wanted to be a military person and now this was all gone. I felt guilty almost like had betrayed my entire family because they had always supported me in trying to get into the navy and I had let them down.

Over the next few months in between feeling sorry for myself I read a lot and found that I had other interests that weren't what I had been so focused on for the last few years, and I can now say that pursuing those interests was way better than continuing in my self-pity (I'm finishing university next week). I can't understand your illness or specific circumstances but like me maybe if you give yourself time this summer away from your studies you will find other areas that will be exciting and interesting to you.

In the meantime it may be worth contacting the university to tell them of your circumstances, from my experience universities are getting much better on this. I really relate to you feeling like you've let down your family, I felt the same but after giving myself some time away from constant education I've found new interests and a new career which I'm excited about and feel is really my choice.
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