Idk how I got to where I’m Watch

Anonymous #1
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Hey. I’m new member here. Sorry if what I’m going to say might be inappropriate to any one. Sorry if the post is messy, I just can’t seem to get my thoughts together. I’ve been hesitating if I should post or not but here I’m.Everything seems wrong. Idk what’s going on with my life rn. I’m a student who’s studying something I don’t like. Ik some would just wonder why, it’s because my family made me study this which I dislike. I dislike my university. I’m one of the most despised students in my university, tho I’ve never hurt or caused troubles to anyone. I haven’t talked to anyone in my colleagues, but somehow people managed to ask me to help with few things. Now they’re exploiting me. Got few colleagues who talk to me. None of them hmu or call me unless they need something. I can say they hate me from the way they’re treating me. They actually say it blatantly that they call me when they need an assignment or help with something and I got nothing to do about it. It’s just the way how I grew up. I hate my university. My family don’t care about me at all. They only care about grades. They don’t care about how I’m feeling or how I’m doing. I got one sibling who doesn’t acknowledge me and who’s ashamed of me. I have a bad past. I don’t have any friends irl nor online. I have always been the despised student in my school and people treated me like crap. I have tried to make friends but that isn’t my thing. They just make me anxious. My family just don’t care about anything. They just want me to graduate so they wouldn’t feel bad later. No matter how I’m doing or feeling. Whatever is gonna happen, they just say, it was my choice to join this study, tho it wasn’t. They say I’m introvert, but idk if I’m. I just don’t enjoy anyone’s company. My family also think I’m a psycho, they want me to check a psychiatrist. Everyone exploiting me, and I have nothing to do or say about it. I can’t stand for myself. I’m fragile and speechless all the time, I don’t have much to say. I have been emotionless for many years since everything got wrong. I have tried to find someone to talk to me, but none cared and I had none irl. So I went and tried to have friends online. But none seems to care and I couldn’t call them friends. My family are disappointed at me. I’m letting everyone around me down. And I can’t do anything about it. My colleagues say I’m quiet and boring. They straight told me, that I’d never find a SO who would accept me for how I’m. I believe they’re true. Since my family dislike how I’m and they want me to change. None ever could accept me for how I’m. And I can’t accept myself tbh. I hate myself. I couldn’t adapt irl. So I just stay online always. Either listening music or playing online games. I don’t have any interests or hobby. Even these things I used to be interested in, no longer interests me. It’s been like this for years, but it’s only getting worse by the time. I have lost all my dreams, and all of them now are unachievable. I’m ****ed up mentally, physically, emotionally, educationally and financially. I’m not smart nor good at anything. I have given up everything. Lately I have been feeling lonely, but I still don’t want any friends. I prefer being alone all the time. But Idk what to do about this void and loneliness. I’m not doing well in my studies. I don’t have anything to do anymore. All my colleagues having nice time and enjoying their life. All of them got SO’s, I have given up the idea of having a SO. Being in a relationship isn’t in my priority list anymore. Ik some would say I should give it a try and talk to a girl maybe it’d change things. I’m not attractive. I’m ugly, unfriendly and boring. My appearance isn’t nice, my personality is horrible, my sense of humour is below zero and I literally got no qualities to even fit in with any girl. I have tried to talk to 9 girls I was into irl, and I got rejected 9 times. Even these girls who I was into, they were into my colleagues or mates. All my mates and colleagues are better looking than me, and funny. I gave up the idea of meeting a girl irl. I tried to talk to girls online, but none of them seemed to be interested in me. I have talked to one and we went close, but she just cut me off after she had known how ****ed up of a person I’m. And the other girls were never into me. I only got that “you’re so reserved” or “you’re so boring” and the others only talked to me when they had none to talk to and just after having someone else online. They leave my msgs bending. Every girl I talk to always cut off. Ik I’m ****ed up. And none would accept me for how ****ed up I’m. I just feel bad for myself. I can’t believe how can one person be this much of a **** up. Knowing that these online girls just leave after knowing about me or how I’m feeling daily, made me know that no girl would accept me for how ****ed up I’m irl as well. I’m anxious, I have social anxiety, and everyone says I’m mentally sick or whatever. Even my colleagues say that any girl that’d talk to me, would suffer for how I’m. I have never met any girl that was into me. Ik none would even be interested in me. I don’t have much to say irl, I’m usually saying nothing everywhere, which make people find me weird or odd. Even my family think I hate them because I don’t have anything to say. I just can’t show how I’m feeling. Not to my family, nor to any girl I was into. Nothing seems to work to me. I’m going with the flow and Ik nothing I’d say who help with anything. My family gonna make me switch university which I strongly disapprove but they will do it anyway. My mother wants me to find a gf. But she doesn’t know how ****ed up I’m. I’m fragile and useless. I won’t even fulfil any girl’s requires. I got no qualities for any relationship nor friendship. My life is just ****ed up and I has been going downhill the past few years and I can’t stop it. The more the time passed, the worse I get and my things get. Sorry if this sounds whiny or overdramatic. I just gave up relationships and friendships. I have been alone for long enough now that I got used to it. I also have fear of meeting someone tho Ik this is kinda impossible, but if it happened, I’d feel bad if someone got attached to me. I won’t be able to make anyone happy or defend anyone or fulfil anyone’s needs. Idk what’s to be said anymore. I can’t even remember when was the last time I was happy..Sorry for wasting your time.
Last edited by Interrobang; 2 weeks ago
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esralled
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You definitely haven't wasted anyone's time.

It sounds like you have some deep personal issues that no one on the internet will be able to help you with. You should definitely consider seeing a counsellor or a therapist.

I will say that you seem to be one of the unfortunate few who are surrounded by toxic people. I know, because I'm one as well. I don't have a relationship with my mother anymore because of it.

Honestly, this post could have been written by me a few years ago. Unfortunately, my advice can only be that you should talk to a professional. You seem to be blaming yourself for a lot of things that really aren't your fault.

If you want to shoot me a message about anything, my inbox is always open.
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Anonymous #1
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(Original post by esralled)
You definitely haven't wasted anyone's time.

It sounds like you have some deep personal issues that no one on the internet will be able to help you with. You should definitely consider seeing a counsellor or a therapist.

I will say that you seem to be one of the unfortunate few who are surrounded by toxic people. I know, because I'm one as well. I don't have a relationship with my mother anymore because of it.

Honestly, this post could have been written by me a few years ago. Unfortunately, my advice can only be that you should talk to a professional. You seem to be blaming yourself for a lot of things that really aren't your fault.

If you want to shoot me a message about anything, my inbox is always open.
Idrk if the issue is people or me, but most likely it’d be me; as it happens alot and I don’t think, it’d be people’s issue. Secondly, I can’t seek a professional help tho my parents want me to see a psych; because they think something is wrong with me. But I don’t really want to go. Besides I can’t afford it. I thought things would be changing with me joining the university but it only got worse and worse. It keeps getting worse by the time. I have been trying to find anyone to talk to but I have given up about this. No one listens. I tried to talk to my parents and they couldn’t care less. Now I’m in the wide ocean, and I literally don’t know what’s happening or what to do. It’s just everything seems wrong. Literally everything.
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Zskittlez
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Hi, I'm new to this but not new to this feeling. So I had to reply.. I agree with esralled, seeking a therapist, even self-referring yourself to a nhs therapist through IAPT would be helpful. Every single person has trauma they need to heal from. If you were able to have CBT therapy then you could dig up the past, discover how your core beliefs developed in your early years (i.e Not being lovable) and move past them so you can learn to love yourself and your life! If you really need to speak to someone then call or email the Samaritans, I've done this a few times, felt silly doing it but you have to ask for help and there is no shame in doing so! Hope this helps you or anyone else reading
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eilish1903
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I went through something similar. Feel free to message me on here if you just want someone to talk to ☺️ I'll offer advice where I can
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Anonymous #1
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(Original post by Zskittlez)
Hi, I'm new to this but not new to this feeling. So I had to reply.. I agree with esralled, seeking a therapist, even self-referring yourself to a nhs therapist through IAPT would be helpful. Every single person has trauma they need to heal from. If you were able to have CBT therapy then you could dig up the past, discover how your core beliefs developed in your early years (i.e Not being lovable) and move past them so you can learn to love yourself and your life! If you really need to speak to someone then call or email the Samaritans, I've done this a few times, felt silly doing it but you have to ask for help and there is no shame in doing so! Hope this helps you or anyone else reading
I really appreciate your help, but it’s something with me. I really can’t seek a professional help. First of all because I’d be all embarrassed and ashamed. Secondly, is that my family knew, they’d tell everyone. Tho they really want me to see a psych. But I definitely know if I did( tho I don’t want to), they’d tell their friends and relatives and stuffs like that. I’ve tried such things before. Idrk if seeking a therapist would help anyway. I think it’s all about how I was brought up. Now my family blaming me and despise how I’m
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Anonymous #1
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(Original post by eilish1903)
I went through something similar. Feel free to message me on here if you just want someone to talk to ☺️ I'll offer advice where I can
Thank you so much. I really appreciate it
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Spanx
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Paragraphs? I think maybe it explains why you feel like you can't breathe and everything is running into one long, unstoppable, uncontrollable, unending mess. Take a breath, start a new line, start a new life.
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Rid The Kid
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(Original post by Spanx)
Paragraphs? I think maybe it explains why you feel like you can't breathe and everything is running into one long, unstoppable, uncontrollable, unending mess. Take a breath, start a new line, start a new life.
in english we call that enjambment.
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eilish1903
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one thing I am gonna say, just because someone is family doesn't mean they're good for you. Family members, from siblings to parents to aunt's, grandparents... They can be toxic and sometimes, as hard as it is, in order to be happy and successful sometimes we have to remove them from our lives. I have no contact with either of my parents or 3/4 of my brothers
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Anonymous #1
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(Original post by eilish1903)
one thing I am gonna say, just because someone is family doesn't mean they're good for you. Family members, from siblings to parents to aunt's, grandparents... They can be toxic and sometimes, as hard as it is, in order to be happy and successful sometimes we have to remove them from our lives. I have no contact with either of my parents or 3/4 of my brothers
Yea Ik, but I’d be doomed if I got them out of my lives. I don’t even have a job nor place to live at beside this. So it’s kinda complicated; as I’m still studying
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eilish1903
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(Original post by Anonymous)
Yea Ik, but I’d be doomed if I got them out of my lives. I don’t even have a job nor place to live at beside this. So it’s kinda complicated; as I’m still studying
I was in my second year of uni when I cut my family off and honestly, the first two years were very, very difficult, mostly financially but I'm now about to go into my PGCE, things are starting to fall into place and my mental state is so, so much better.
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Anonymous #1
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(Original post by eilish1903)
I was in my second year of uni when I cut my family off and honestly, the first two years were very, very difficult, mostly financially but I'm now about to go into my PGCE, things are starting to fall into place and my mental state is so, so much better.
Ik this is a good idea to cut off my family. But I don’t have a start up money to move. Besides I don’t have the potential to study and have a full-time job. It’s hard to get a full-time job without a bachelor degree. I’d still feel bad somehow if I cut off. I’d literally regret it like I regret every single thing. It’s so complicated
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eilish1903
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(Original post by Anonymous)
Ik this is a good idea to cut off my family. But I don’t have a start up money to move. Besides I don’t have the potential to study and have a full-time job. It’s hard to get a full-time job without a bachelor degree. I’d still feel bad somehow if I cut off. I’d literally regret it like I regret every single thing. It’s so complicated
I get that... doesn't your uni offer a counselling service? The uni I studied my undergrad degree at offered free, confidential counselling
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Anonymous #1
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(Original post by eilish1903)
I get that... doesn't your uni offer a counselling service? The uni I studied my undergrad degree at offered free, confidential counselling
Nope. Don’t have this in my uni
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Anonymous #2
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(Original post by Anonymous)
Nope. Don’t have this in my uni
You're not missing out. Counsellors are generally not useful. Because either you're going for sympathy/emotional support or you're going there for practical advice. If for the first reason, remember they're paid to care, i.e. they will unlikely care very much at all. Friends/family are the only options for genuine emotional support. If for the second reason, in my experience they have hardly any useful advice, at least none that you couldn't easily think of yourself. Why? Because they know almost nothing about you. You know everything about you. Virtually anything they could work out about your problems, you could work out if you thought about it. Maybe in some specific cases it's useful, but I wouldn't hold out hope. A GP would probably be more useful as at least they'd offer better diagnosis (if necessary) and they're generally more capable. But even then they won't be able to help you nearly as much as you can help yourself.
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Anonymous #1
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(Original post by Anonymous)
You're not missing out. Counsellors are generally not useful. Because either you're going for sympathy/emotional support or you're going there for practical advice. If for the first reason, remember they're paid to care, i.e. they will unlikely care very much at all. Friends/family are the only options for genuine emotional support. If for the second reason, in my experience they have hardly any useful advice, at least none that you couldn't easily think of yourself. Why? Because they know almost nothing about you. You know everything about you. Virtually anything they could work out about your problems, you could work out if you thought about it. Maybe in some specific cases it's useful, but I wouldn't hold out hope. A GP would probably be more useful as at least they'd offer better diagnosis (if necessary) and they're generally more capable. But even then they won't be able to help you nearly as much as you can help yourself.
I’ve been trying to find out how to help myself for nearly 4 years now. It’s hard to help myself when Idk what’s wrong. But certainly it’s me. For me it isn’t that easy to see a professional help at all. Apart from finances. I’d not have the guts to go and seek help from someone that would not probably understand me. I’m not really seeking sympathy or emotional support. I thought it’d help to vent. But apparently it’s of no point. I really appreciate all those who are trying to help.

Other thing is that some people say it’s a matter of time and everything would change when I grow up and move to live alone. The unclear part is that I don’t think I can manage to move or get a job with how messed up of a person I’m and I’ve always been. I don’t find any point of even trying to help myself
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