Don't Love My Pregnant Girlfriend Anymore

counseling and quick

I guess the vast majority of people automatically think "well you made the decision to have unprotected sex, so deal with the consequences", but here is my story.

I've been with my girlfriend for 4 years now, I am 28 and she is 26. It started as lust and the honeymoon period seemed to prolong which was great. The further we got into our relationship however, the more red flags I encountered. I wasn't allowed to go out for a few drinks with old friends I hadn't seen in years. The first time, I told her I probably would have no signal where I was. Told her I would be home by 12...low and behold I leave 11:45 for home and as soon as I get signal my phone is ringing. She is going mad. I had about 10 texts too. I forgive her for this because her family went through a bad period where her dad cheated on her mom. I let it slip, even though I mention I am not happy how she acted.

Ever since then i've been kinda happy, but never fully 100%. I didn't know if I loved her anymore...but I went along with it because I had zero connections with any other girls (god forbid I had a friend who was a girl), and I think I lost touch with my feelings. Ok so fast forward...she now tells me she wants a baby for months on end...I say i'm not sure, i'd rather wait a year or 2. She persists and comes off the pill. So of course I wear a condom. One time I lost my control and got carried away in the moment...one time...we didn't wear one and tada she got pregnant...and that is the truth. I had a moment of weakness. I knew most people try for weeks/months if not longer so I thought (naively) that once would be ok even though it was still risky.

3 days ago I met an old friend (a girl) for a walk. There was no intention in this. She is just an old friend from years ago. However I didn't tell my gf I was going to meet her. I couldn't. She would blow her top and not understand. She would say "why do you need female friends?!", as she has said to me previously. However I ended up taking a fancy to her (I did see her a few months previous and we had a chat but it wasn't planned, we bumped into each other in the street!). We hit it off really well...we are so similar and it was refreshing. We talked about our relationships and we both have almost identical views. At the end we both admitted there was something more than friends. At this point, if my gf was not pregnant I would have split up with her. Even if I didn't get with the "old friend", she spurred me into a different thinking. She made me realise how much happier I could be. When I was talking to her, I was interested, the fire was alive in my heart, all I wanted in my life at that moment was her.

However I know I have screwed things up. I definitely know I no longer want to be with my current girlfriend. However, I know I can't just walk out on her right now (she's 29 weeks pregnant). But I do know I want to leave her as i'm miserable all the time. I guess I just didn't realise it fully beforehand. Trust me, I wish I could have. When we are together I am just blank. I don't feel any emotion. I am slipping back into depression (i've been depressed once before - about 9 years ago and those feelings are creeping back into my life by the day). If we split I would financially support her 100% and see my child when I could . I just don't feel for my own sake that I can stay with her any longer though...although I think I should stay with her until after the baby is born and support her for a short period beyond that. I would love to have my child in my life everyday, but I just can't stay with her any longer.

What do you guys recommend? As I say I am considering supporting her 100% till sometime after the baby arrives and then calling it off. I feel like a complete idiot, a selfish jerk but I can't do this anymore. I feel it's just came at the wrong time for me. Comments saying "you have responsibilities now so deal with it" are not welcome. I think different to that. Thanks for any helpful responses.

Accidental pregnancy, unhappy relationship, 29 weeks pregnant.. you've put yourself in an awfully difficult situation.

Have you tried talking about how you've been feeling with any other family members? Do you talk to them often? They may be able to give you their insight and their light on the topic. Me personally, your happiness and well-being is very important. If you truly feel that you're unhappy in the relationship, and it's really putting you down, then you seriously need to talk about this to your girlfriend. It won't be an easy conversation to have, but you can at least gain insight on both sides and get a clearer standpoint on where you want to go.

Now, you've already suggested that you could stay with her until the baby is born and then at any time shortly then you can leave. I think this isn't a bad idea, so long as your well-being is ok throughout it. Your girlfriend is also going through a lot during her pregnancy, and you being there already shows that she isn't going through it alone. However, if or when you do leave, you really need to make sure that you're there in that child's life. That shouldn't be an issue though, since you say that you'll be with them 100% of the way with support, and I'd sure hope you will.

The other suggestion is to perhaps give it time. Your girlfriend sounds like quite a control freak (no offence, just seems like it from your post), but maybe once the baby is born you two may see a whole different light in your relationship. That's being rather optimistic, but maybe wait it out and see.

If this has been something you've been really feeling for a long time though, then don't feel that you need to stay. Care for the child, but don't stay in the relationship.

Sorry if this answer seems dis-jointed. These were a series of fleeting suggestions from me as I continued to understand your situation through this post.

Hope this helps. Best of luck to you with whatever decision you make. ^^

I really appreciate your time and input. It has really meant a lot to me to see a reply like this. I expected a ton of abuse and for this I am grateful. Without putting her down too much, she is definitely a control freak. I still can't help thinking that I am at fault here for not leaving the relationship before this situation occurred. No I haven't spoken to any family members, I don't think they are the right people to speak to in my situation. Perhaps a couple of friends would be better for me. I will re-read your post several times for sure and take every key point from it. So thank you, means a lot right now.

If you stay with your girlfriend, assuming you'll then raise the child together, imagine the life the child would have. An unhappy father, a controlling mother... It would not be a happy house. I think you have every right to walk away from such a controlling, unhappy relationship, and no one could blame you for doing that. You will still be able to see your child, and you will be seeing them in a better/happier situation. I do not think it is good for either of you if you stay together. Best of luck!

Just try not to break up with her on bad terms

utter *******s.

"and you will be seeing them in a better/happier situation."

Do you have any idea or understanding of the research surrounding devorce and single parent families? The idea that a child is happier in a single parent family, then in one with a mum and dad who aren't happy, is just devorced from reality.

The research is very clear, the outcomes for children with two parents - even unhappy ones who argue - is significantly better across the board then children who grow up with a single parent, or in broken homes with combinations of different boyfriends/people.

But people like to use it as an excuse to get devorced.. trying to bend reality, ignore all of the data, and pretend that actually - despite all we know - its better for the child. *******s.

Your comparison is also way off:
imagine the life the child would have. An unhappy father, a controlling mother... It would not be a happy house

how about this:

imagine the life the child would have if you leave. An unhappy father it never sees, a controlling alone, depressed and single mother who can't cope on her own... a stream of new partners confusing the child... possibly never having a proper and consistant male role model.. both sperated parents competing for the childs effection.. the child being jealous of how all the other kids have mummies and daddies..

you can paint either situation in anyway you want, its irrelevant. What matters is the research, and that is clear - unless the household is abusive, its better for a child to be in one with its mum and its dad, then just one.. even if the mum and dad are not happy or in love all the time.

There is no good way or even ok way to do this. Any way of dumping your heavily pregnant partner - is a bad way. He will be vilianised and hated by their mutual friends, by her family (the grandparents of his child), and even though his family will still support him, he will loose a lot of their respect.
It sucks, but there is no way he gets out of this without looking like a complete areshole of a guy.

xxx

you've hit a point where your now being asked to question what it means to be a man, and are you one? Its clear from your post, your gut is telling you to be a boy still, run away from the responsibility, run away rather then solving your relationship problems, and just escape from the situation.

But that's not what men do, not good men at least.

If you take the baby out of the equation, then yes you have a choice between

fixing your relationship (slow, hard work, maybe impossible)
or
leaving it (quick, easy, but will the next person be better)..

your still young enough that the second option is probably a good choice, just call it a day, and you still have a good few years to find someone else.


But then add the baby back in, and the balance changes. Now you have:

fixing your relationship (slow, hard work, maybe impossible, but you know your doing whats best for your son/daughter, and your doing your job as a dad by giving them the best shot at life)
or
leaving it (quick easy, but will the next person be better? especially as you tell all of your future partners that you already have a kid.. and that you left your pregnant girlfriend? I bet your future girlfriends are going to love dating a guy who left his pregnant girlfriend. And you feel guilty because you are mostly abandoning your child and giving up most of your responsibilities as a dad, something key to actually being a man.. and you have to deal with the fact that most of the people around you currently will not understand, and will think you a massive ******** for doing it. You will loose friends, and half of your childs family will hate you, and try and turn your child against you for ever. Your child may even blame you for what you did as it gets older)

---

If I was in your shoes, I would try my best to make it work. It seems like you and your girlfriend are still dating like teenagers, bickering about who can be friends with who, fighting for control etc. You (both) need to grow up and act like a propper couple, so that your ready to take care of your baby. Being a man means taking responsibility for your actions, and the biggest responsibility you are ever given is that of your child, someone who depends on you and who needs you. Yes your passion has died down, thats normal, yes you argue and fight for control, thats normal.. both of those things are going to happen again with your next partner anyway... so why not try and make this one, the one where you have a kid involved, work.

Sit down with your partner, and be a man about it - tell her, dirrectly and honestly all the things you have been feeling, and don't cave and give in when she gets mad and upset with you (which she will) keep strong and weather the storm, and eventually she will come around. Get through this rough patch, and then work really hard to make sure that your life together is always special and always moving forward.. make compromises on your differences, and where she refuses to compromise, stand up to her so strongly that she knows there is no other option. Figure out how to live together and communicate as a propper couple, and how to keep the romance going after so many years (which takes constant work and effort, and cant be taken for granted). Look after your baby, and give it a good few years of hard work to see if you can make it all work.

If after a few years of constant work, you still can't make it work - then maybe your in a better place to look at other options. You wont face such a huge backlash for separating with a child, as you would separating when she is pregnant, and at least then you know that you gave it a really good amount of effort.. you truely tried your best to make things work for your kid, and your best isn't just a few months of trying.. its a few years of hard work to make things as good as they can be for your baby.

I appreciate your concern but I must say some of the points you bring up are completely irrelevant. Saying that "the research is very clear" cannot be held account for every situation, for one. Also, you say I will be "an unhappy father it never sees"...well if you fully read my original post, I said I would be in my child's life as most as possible for my situation. My girlfriend isn't the type to have "a stream of new partners". Although I cannot say for sure this wouldn't be the case, I obviously know her well enough to be 99% sure that she wouldn't act this way. The child may not be jealous of growing up seeing all the other kid's perfect families, because the vast majority don't have perfect families. But thanks for your reply, however I would suggest having a look into your own views a bit more first before posting.

if you read a piece of research that said "smoking when pregnant increases the chance of your child developing lung cancer by 30%" - you would never let your wife smoke when pregnant.

yet their is a body of research that says "children who grow up without a dad in the home are X% more likely to commit crime/drop out of school/take drugs/commit suicide/never sustain stable relationships etc. etc." and you make an excuse for your actions that it can't be held accountable.

here are some key take-aways for you (all of which you can google and find the research for if you don't believe me):
Children in fatherless families are -
more likely to fail to complete conventional schooling
more likely to die from infant mortality
more likely to end up living in poverty
more likely to be involved in a teenage pregnancy
more likely to suffer child abuse

"an unhappy father it never sees"

the high chance is that you will be. You may not want to be - but im not looking at things from your invested perspective, I am looking at it from an objective standpoint. For most separated farther, seeing their child once a week is a lot. 40% of children of seperated families loose contact entirely with their father, 40% of single mothers admit to trying to obstruct contact with the father, 70% see their child less then once a week. 2/3rds report decreasing contact as their child ages.

"Never" was a bit hyperbolic, but comparatively, yes it will pretty much never see you. You will miss the vest majority of key moments in its life, and if your lucky you will see it at most 2 days a week, some weeks.. and more realistically you will see it twice a month. As for 'unhappy' you certainly will be for a while. When people ostracize you for this, and you see your child being born but can't be with it.. and you have to face the reality of trying to date again with a child, and with your reputation.. it will make you very unhappy.

""My girlfriend isn't the type to have "a stream of new partners""

Not now, no.. but when she has a baby? And she is desperate for that baby to have a dady who is actually around, and she needs support and struggles on her own? There is either one of two ways that single mums go: Either they lock down, loose trust in men and stay single until their kid is older.. or they try an date any guy that comes thier way as they are desperate to make the family they feel they have 'lost' - neither is healthy for a child.

"The child may not be jealous of growing up seeing all the other kid's perfect families, because the vast majority don't have perfect families"

No one has a perfect family, but to a child without a dad, every family with a dad looks perfect. They don't know the inner problems of that family, at their young age all they see is something that most people have, that seems very important, that they don't have.

"I would suggest having a look into your own views a bit more first before posting."

No thanks. I am very secure and confident in my understanding of relationships and families. I live by it as well, which is why unlike you, I married my girlfriend and actually made our relationship work in the long-run before trying for a baby.

Your not looking for advice from married people like me though, your looking for the advice of kids. And that's what you will get on this site - you will get dozens of kids who have no concept of the responsibilities that being a husband and a father entails, telling you 'you do what makes you happy', 'she seems controlling, you go for it' etc. Because if you talk to married people with experience in this area, they won't tell you want you want to hear, but young kids who have never been in a serious relationship for longer then a couple of years? Yeah they will tell you exactly what you need to hear to make you feel better about abandoning your pregnant girlfriend.

Regarding this, I already know that I want to get out. So what is the point in spending years of my life going on for the sake of it, when I already know it isn't going to work? You're only on this planet once, and I already said that I would support my child as much as possible from a split-relationship standpoint, yet you keep telling me to "be a man", but you just don't understand.

Your reply is irrelevant to me, I haven't taken the time to read it. Waste of time. You're a robot.

It's because I am not telling you what you want to hear. You came on here to get reassurance that your not doing an awful thing, and you've come across someone telling you what an awful thing your actually doing, and you don't want to hear it.

What I am telling you, is what the people around you, the mother of your child and most of your childs family will think of you if you do this.