AQA GCSE English Language Paper 1 8700/1 - 4 Jun 2019 [Exam Discussion] Watch

IsMo987
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Hellllllooo
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SarraK
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(Original post by brock9122)
I would be really grateful if somebody could check my decription and tell me what I did wrong and how I can improve it (also a rough idea of marks it would get out of 40). Help would be appreciated very much.

Art. The cobalt blue sky laid calmly like a blanket over the Earth showing off its artist’s trickery: the azure depths, the sapphire tint from the warm sun spread through the sky like caramel in a mouthwatering chocolate cake.

Clouds laid peacefully in the sky like a lazy little child; tired from crying without a pause. Its innocence emphasised by its flaccid fluffy cheeks which look like nothing more than cotton candy.

The water in the river imitated the sky – trying to win the attention of the flying birds basking in the soothing warmth of the sun.

Greenery of the grass contrasted the navy blue water. Gigantic ants playing tug of war between the long and thin grass. Families had come out to enjoy the sunny day and support their family members.

The aroma of the atmosphere was endued with zest and playfulness; it made you want to plunge between the clouds awakening them to play football on the sky with the scorching sun and malignant moon being the goals.

Far off in the horizon, factories pumped sinister, ominous smoke out through their chimneys. The necropolis was seething with wandering corpses, who had been hunted down by the nefarious queens of our world – reality and expectation. They were crushed between the two of them like beef between bread, ready to appease the appetite of an ogre.

To the right, the enormous castle was a dinosaur among ants. It stood tall as if it was trying to reach for the stars. It was a lair for predatory creatures the preyed on the happiness of innocent little children at night.

The ants dug back into their holes, the sky woke up the clouds and sent them back to their home, the shy sun also went over, intimidated as the sky plunged into an ominous darkness awakening predatory creatures in the castle.

The brightness faded as the darkness approached brutally like an army ready to turn everything in its way into ramshackle. War.
Its a really good piece. You have used sophisticated vocabulary. Re-read your work though. Is your tone consistent throughout?
There are moments that are brilliant but then it just lacks consistency. For example, that simile does not link with the description of light and darkness. That's what I am getting at least. I think you're doing too much and this could be a really good piece if you made your ideas coherent and consistent. Sorry if this is not clear.
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MehranS
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Hey, could someone grade my paragraph please?

The carcasses of deceased evergreen leaves lingered on the forest floor, their intoxicating aura was all but ended. Slowly, they swam along the vast pond; occasionally dipping their tips in the freezing water, it was as if they were dying of thirst.Frighteningly, like a detrimental monster, the pond swallowed the innocent leaves.As a result of the deadly climate, a coarse layer of wispy fog glamoured behind the ancient trunks of the staggering trees.From time to time, without any prior signs, a ghostly howl of wind screeched, it was terrifying, there was no-one in sight;where was I? My vivacious heart-beat rose steadily as fragile remnants of dead trees audibly crunched under the tremendous weight of my legs.Jet-black entities formed in the horizon,perhaps they were a malformation of my frightened mind?The serene moon glistened with pride as it shot arrows of moonlight at the dense wall of trees, my only protection…
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Meg1Smith
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This is a great paragraph with sophisticated description and a wide range of vocabulary. However it is near impossible to grade a paragraph when a piece of creative writing should be at least two pages and without seeing the question. Feel free to send me a whole question and I'll give some feedback. Sorry for the self promo but if anyone is looking for a comprehensive English language paper 1 guide please visit my blog https://999revisionemergency.yolasite.com/gcses.php . I've fixed the links now
(Original post by MehranS)
Hey, could someone grade my paragraph please?

The carcasses of deceased evergreen leaves lingered on the forest floor, their intoxicating aura was all but ended. Slowly, they swam along the vast pond; occasionally dipping their tips in the freezing water, it was as if they were dying of thirst.Frighteningly, like a detrimental monster, the pond swallowed the innocent leaves.As a result of the deadly climate, a coarse layer of wispy fog glamoured behind the ancient trunks of the staggering trees.From time to time, without any prior signs, a ghostly howl of wind screeched, it was terrifying, there was no-one in sight;where was I? My vivacious heart-beat rose steadily as fragile remnants of dead trees audibly crunched under the tremendous weight of my legs.Jet-black entities formed in the horizon,perhaps they were a malformation of my frightened mind?The serene moon glistened with pride as it shot arrows of moonlight at the dense wall of trees, my only protection…
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KingOfAfrica
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Can someone please help to grade my queston 5 story.

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Davy611
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Consistent and clear. Some ambitious vocabulary: I like 'petulant device'. Some of the techniques that have been used are a bit predictable. The structural features don't always work. I'd award 16 for AO5.

Don't use a capital letter after a semi colon; they don't finish sentences. You've missed some opportunities for colons. There's a rogue apostrophe in 'Like a mad dog looking for it's victim.' The grammar is mostly controlled. I'd award 9 for AO6.

So, 16+9 = 25/40. Just into grade 6. This seems about right. Good effort and I hope I've offered some pointers for improvement.
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KingOfAfrica
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(Original post by Davy611)
Consistent and clear. Some ambitious vocabulary: I like 'petulant device'. Some of the techniques that have been used are a bit predictable. The structural features don't always work. I'd award 16 for AO5.

Don't use a capital letter after a semi colon; they don't finish sentences. You've missed some opportunities for colons. There's a rogue apostrophe in 'Like a mad dog looking for it's victim.' The grammar is mostly controlled. I'd award 9 for AO6.

So, 16+9 = 25/40. Just into grade 6. This seems about right. Good effort and I hope I've offered some pointers for improvement.
thanks I really appreciate this feedback
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MehranS
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Hey can someone mark my question 5 story, question is an unexpected outcome.
Semantic field of water and fragility.

The illustrious vessel was finally ready. The coarse engravings flowed through the mast like a river carving a canyon. Slowly, the wind made the entire ship shudder with pain as it creaked and cracked forwards and backward. It was perfect. My engineer’s worked many an hour to create this wonder of nature; through thick and thin, through turmoil and anguish and horrendous and peaceful weather. The ship was a beauty. It was as if the Gods, in their high palaces and thrones were smiling down upon me - it was the greatest day of my life. Even with my anxiety and depression, I still managed to not excrete bile from my crusty mouth as I imagined the tremendously savage mission which lay ahead of me. I hoped that I could make it. The vessel was, at the very least, fifty meters long. Its proud and elegant stature seemed to rise with every tenuous heart-beat and shift of wind. I had to get ready, it was time!

Anxiously, I pulled my: thick garments over my head, screamed in pain as I gently lifted the maroon breeches over my many scars and finally, placed my silver steel helmet on my head. It was time. I strolled to the vessel, she was already floating in the vast and the azure sea; waiting for my command. My crew had already assembled, they included: inquisitive watchmen, chubby cooks, and journeymen who were hungry for glory. Although I was scared, I stepped on the vessel, my hands shook with fear and sweat trickled down my bruised face, like rain pattering on emerald grass. Acrid smoke rose as we lost sight of the welcoming port, our only hope of warmth and serenity. The crew did not waver easily like me, they had glum smiles written legibly on their faces. Like a promise of freedom to a hardworking slave, the crew swam in the depths of hope and prosperity. They had no idea what awaited us…

Silence.

What was happening here? I awoke a few hours later, from a dutiful nap. Suddenly, a column of water crashed against the starboard - water seeped into the minuscule cracks and dents in the mahogany planks. I ran up the winding stairs: carefully placing every step in order not to fall. Horridly, screeches of terror were emitted from the innocent mouths of my crew, the jet-black water had crawled itself on board, like a river in a flood. Amazingly, a thin streak of lightning hurtled down at us and struck port-side. The eerie and ominous atmosphere created a savage laugh, as the ship drowned in the river of despair. All hope was lost. I jumped heroically into the gnashing teeth of the freezing water, my only escape, yet it was a one-way slide to oblivion. The towering mast fell swiftly in my direction; it connected with my head - I sank into oblivion. All hope was lost…

Apprehensively, I roused; the delicate bruise from the mast still throbbed with pain. My goals and ambitions for this journey were thrown mercilessly from my mind. I had failed! I peered around the sandy beach, it was night-time, the air stank with the smell of excrement, the stars, my only company - shone brightly. I lingered with the grainy particles for a second longer and rose, I steadily walked towards the shield wall of greenish trees. The carnage of what had just occurred still hadn’t caused the intended effect on my mentality, a life’s work at a premature end. The buzz of Secada's and the hum of mockingbirds rang in the distance, the shroud of clouds occasionally covered the moon, it was foreboding. An idea sprang to mind, my only hope for survival was to build a new vessel. However, to do so, I needed to enter the dark and damp forest. I shook aside my fear like a wet dog shaking the water of its fur and I entered the forest.

Immediately, I noticed the carcasses of deceased evergreen leaves which lingered on the forest floor, their intoxicating aura was all but ended. Slowly, they swam along the vast pond; occasionally dipping their tips in the freezing water, it was as if they were dying of thirst. Frighteningly, like a detrimental monster, the pond swallowed the innocent leaves. As a result of the deadly climate, a coarse layer of wispy fog glamoured behind the ancient trunks of the staggering trees. From time to time, without any prior signs, a ghostly howl of wind screeched, it was terrifying, there was no-one in sight; where was I? My vivacious heart-beat rose steadily as fragile remnants of dead trees audibly crunched under the tremendous weight of my legs . Jet-black entities formed in the horizon, perhaps they were a malformation of my disconcerted mind? The serene moon glistened with pride as it shot arrows of moonlight at the dense wall of trees, my only protection…

I pulled my great-axe from the belt around my loose waist, I wielded it and swung it with such might, that the tree in front of me groaned with agony as it fell. Eventually, after much turmoil, I had gathered enough wood to craft my ship. I gathered cotton from the nearby kapok trees, I spun them into celestial sails. I beat the wood and carved it into the seductive curves. Depressingly, she was not a beauty, but she would have to do. I gathered my strength and pushed with all my dubious might, and in due course, the gentle water engulfed the tip of my ship. I gazed at the sun, it was dawn, the great orange star swelled with beauty and elegance, perhaps I would make it back after all. Slowly, the wind made the entire ship shudder with pain as it creaked and cracked backward and forwards. It was not perfect, but it worked.


Many thanks.
Last edited by MehranS; 2 weeks ago
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Peister_
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(Original post by MehranS)
Hey can someone mark my question 5 story, question is an unexpected outcome.
Semantic field of water and fragility.

The illustrious vessel was finally ready. The coarse engravings flowed through the mast like a river carving a canyon. Slowly, the wind made the entire ship shudder with pain as it creaked and cracked forwards and backward. It was perfect. My engineer’s worked many an hour to create this wonder of nature; through thick and thin, through turmoil and anguish and horrendous and peaceful weather. The ship was a beauty. It was as if the Gods, in their high palaces and thrones were smiling down upon me - it was the greatest day of my life. Even with my anxiety and depression, I still managed to not excrete bile from my crusty mouth as I imagined the tremendously savage mission which lay ahead of me. I hoped that I could make it. The vessel was, at the very least, fifty meters long. Its proud and elegant stature seemed to rise with every tenuous heart-beat and shift of wind. I had to get ready, it was time!

Anxiously, I pulled my: thick garments over my head, screamed in pain as I gently lifted the maroon breeches over my many scars and finally, placed my silver steel helmet on my head. It was time. I strolled to the vessel, she was already floating in the vast and the azure sea; waiting for my command. My crew had already assembled, they included: inquisitive watchmen, chubby cooks, and journeymen who were hungry for glory. Although I was scared, I stepped on the vessel, my hands shook with fear and sweat trickled down my bruised face, like rain pattering on emerald grass. Acrid smoke rose as we lost sight of the welcoming port, our only hope of warmth and serenity. The crew did not waver easily like me, they had glum smiles written legibly on their faces. Like a promise of freedom to a hardworking slave, the crew swam in the depths of hope and prosperity. They had no idea what awaited us…

Silence.

What was happening here? I awoke a few hours later, from a dutiful nap. Suddenly, a column of water crashed against the starboard - water seeped into the minuscule cracks and dents in the mahogany planks. I ran up the winding stairs: carefully placing every step in order not to fall. Horridly, screeches of terror were emitted from the innocent mouths of my crew, the jet-black water had crawled itself on board, like a river in a flood. Amazingly, a thin streak of lightning hurtled down at us and struck port-side. The eerie and ominous atmosphere created a savage laugh, as the ship drowned in the river of despair. All hope was lost. I jumped heroically into the gnashing teeth of the freezing water, my only escape, yet it was a one-way slide to oblivion. The towering mast fell swiftly in my direction; it connected with my head - I sank into oblivion. All hope was lost…

Apprehensively, I roused; the delicate bruise from the mast still throbbed with pain. My goals and ambitions for this journey were thrown mercilessly from my mind. I had failed! I peered around the sandy beach, it was night-time, the air stank with the smell of excrement, the stars, my only company - shone brightly. I lingered with the grainy particles for a second longer and rose, I steadily walked towards the shield wall of greenish trees. The carnage of what had just occurred still hadn’t caused the intended effect on my mentality, a life’s work at a premature end. The buzz of Secada's and the hum of mockingbirds rang in the distance, the shroud of clouds occasionally covered the moon, it was foreboding. An idea sprang to mind, my only hope for survival was to build a new vessel. However, to do so, I needed to enter the dark and damp forest. I shook aside my fear like a wet dog shaking the water of its fur and I entered the forest.

Immediately, I noticed the carcasses of deceased evergreen leaves which lingered on the forest floor, their intoxicating aura was all but ended. Slowly, they swam along the vast pond; occasionally dipping their tips in the freezing water, it was as if they were dying of thirst. Frighteningly, like a detrimental monster, the pond swallowed the innocent leaves. As a result of the deadly climate, a coarse layer of wispy fog glamoured behind the ancient trunks of the staggering trees. From time to time, without any prior signs, a ghostly howl of wind screeched, it was terrifying, there was no-one in sight; where was I? My vivacious heart-beat rose steadily as fragile remnants of dead trees audibly crunched under the tremendous weight of my legs . Jet-black entities formed in the horizon, perhaps they were a malformation of my disconcerted mind? The serene moon glistened with pride as it shot arrows of moonlight at the dense wall of trees, my only protection…

I pulled my great-axe from the belt around my loose waist, I wielded it and swung it with such might, that the tree in front of me groaned with agony as it fell. Eventually, after much turmoil, I had gathered enough wood to craft my ship. I gathered cotton from the nearby kapok trees, I spun them into celestial sails. I beat the wood and carved it into the seductive curves. Depressingly, she was not a beauty, but she would have to do. I gathered my strength and pushed with all my dubious might, and in due course, the gentle water engulfed the tip of my ship. I gazed at the sun, it was dawn, the great orange star swelled with beauty and elegance, perhaps I would make it back after all. Slowly, the wind made the entire ship shudder with pain as it creaked and cracked backward and forwards. It was not perfect, but it worked.


Many thanks.
Hi Mehran!

Very good piece of writing. You obviously are a competent writer.

33/40

To improve, add a variety of punctuation.

Still very good
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SteveMacca
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While it is important to consciously craft responses to question 5 - ie) including a variety of punctuation, you also do not want to make it blatantly obvious that you're following a mark scheme - ruins flow of an answer.
(Original post by MehranS)
Hey can someone mark my question 5 story, question is an unexpected outcome.
Semantic field of water and fragility.

The illustrious vessel was finally ready. The coarse engravings flowed through the mast like a river carving a canyon. Slowly, the wind made the entire ship shudder with pain as it creaked and cracked forwards and backward. It was perfect. My engineer’s worked many an hour to create this wonder of nature; through thick and thin, through turmoil and anguish and horrendous and peaceful weather. The ship was a beauty. It was as if the Gods, in their high palaces and thrones were smiling down upon me - it was the greatest day of my life. Even with my anxiety and depression, I still managed to not excrete bile from my crusty mouth as I imagined the tremendously savage mission which lay ahead of me. I hoped that I could make it. The vessel was, at the very least, fifty meters long. Its proud and elegant stature seemed to rise with every tenuous heart-beat and shift of wind. I had to get ready, it was time!

Anxiously, I pulled my: thick garments over my head, screamed in pain as I gently lifted the maroon breeches over my many scars and finally, placed my silver steel helmet on my head. It was time. I strolled to the vessel, she was already floating in the vast and the azure sea; waiting for my command. My crew had already assembled, they included: inquisitive watchmen, chubby cooks, and journeymen who were hungry for glory. Although I was scared, I stepped on the vessel, my hands shook with fear and sweat trickled down my bruised face, like rain pattering on emerald grass. Acrid smoke rose as we lost sight of the welcoming port, our only hope of warmth and serenity. The crew did not waver easily like me, they had glum smiles written legibly on their faces. Like a promise of freedom to a hardworking slave, the crew swam in the depths of hope and prosperity. They had no idea what awaited us…

Silence.

What was happening here? I awoke a few hours later, from a dutiful nap. Suddenly, a column of water crashed against the starboard - water seeped into the minuscule cracks and dents in the mahogany planks. I ran up the winding stairs: carefully placing every step in order not to fall. Horridly, screeches of terror were emitted from the innocent mouths of my crew, the jet-black water had crawled itself on board, like a river in a flood. Amazingly, a thin streak of lightning hurtled down at us and struck port-side. The eerie and ominous atmosphere created a savage laugh, as the ship drowned in the river of despair. All hope was lost. I jumped heroically into the gnashing teeth of the freezing water, my only escape, yet it was a one-way slide to oblivion. The towering mast fell swiftly in my direction; it connected with my head - I sank into oblivion. All hope was lost…

Apprehensively, I roused; the delicate bruise from the mast still throbbed with pain. My goals and ambitions for this journey were thrown mercilessly from my mind. I had failed! I peered around the sandy beach, it was night-time, the air stank with the smell of excrement, the stars, my only company - shone brightly. I lingered with the grainy particles for a second longer and rose, I steadily walked towards the shield wall of greenish trees. The carnage of what had just occurred still hadn’t caused the intended effect on my mentality, a life’s work at a premature end. The buzz of Secada's and the hum of mockingbirds rang in the distance, the shroud of clouds occasionally covered the moon, it was foreboding. An idea sprang to mind, my only hope for survival was to build a new vessel. However, to do so, I needed to enter the dark and damp forest. I shook aside my fear like a wet dog shaking the water of its fur and I entered the forest.

Immediately, I noticed the carcasses of deceased evergreen leaves which lingered on the forest floor, their intoxicating aura was all but ended. Slowly, they swam along the vast pond; occasionally dipping their tips in the freezing water, it was as if they were dying of thirst. Frighteningly, like a detrimental monster, the pond swallowed the innocent leaves. As a result of the deadly climate, a coarse layer of wispy fog glamoured behind the ancient trunks of the staggering trees. From time to time, without any prior signs, a ghostly howl of wind screeched, it was terrifying, there was no-one in sight; where was I? My vivacious heart-beat rose steadily as fragile remnants of dead trees audibly crunched under the tremendous weight of my legs . Jet-black entities formed in the horizon, perhaps they were a malformation of my disconcerted mind? The serene moon glistened with pride as it shot arrows of moonlight at the dense wall of trees, my only protection…

I pulled my great-axe from the belt around my loose waist, I wielded it and swung it with such might, that the tree in front of me groaned with agony as it fell. Eventually, after much turmoil, I had gathered enough wood to craft my ship. I gathered cotton from the nearby kapok trees, I spun them into celestial sails. I beat the wood and carved it into the seductive curves. Depressingly, she was not a beauty, but she would have to do. I gathered my strength and pushed with all my dubious might, and in due course, the gentle water engulfed the tip of my ship. I gazed at the sun, it was dawn, the great orange star swelled with beauty and elegance, perhaps I would make it back after all. Slowly, the wind made the entire ship shudder with pain as it creaked and cracked backward and forwards. It was not perfect, but it worked.


Many thanks.
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SteveMacca
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Though the examiners will love it and you'll likely end up with 32-25 marks.
(Original post by MehranS)
Hey can someone mark my question 5 story, question is an unexpected outcome.
Semantic field of water and fragility.

The illustrious vessel was finally ready. The coarse engravings flowed through the mast like a river carving a canyon. Slowly, the wind made the entire ship shudder with pain as it creaked and cracked forwards and backward. It was perfect. My engineer’s worked many an hour to create this wonder of nature; through thick and thin, through turmoil and anguish and horrendous and peaceful weather. The ship was a beauty. It was as if the Gods, in their high palaces and thrones were smiling down upon me - it was the greatest day of my life. Even with my anxiety and depression, I still managed to not excrete bile from my crusty mouth as I imagined the tremendously savage mission which lay ahead of me. I hoped that I could make it. The vessel was, at the very least, fifty meters long. Its proud and elegant stature seemed to rise with every tenuous heart-beat and shift of wind. I had to get ready, it was time!

Anxiously, I pulled my: thick garments over my head, screamed in pain as I gently lifted the maroon breeches over my many scars and finally, placed my silver steel helmet on my head. It was time. I strolled to the vessel, she was already floating in the vast and the azure sea; waiting for my command. My crew had already assembled, they included: inquisitive watchmen, chubby cooks, and journeymen who were hungry for glory. Although I was scared, I stepped on the vessel, my hands shook with fear and sweat trickled down my bruised face, like rain pattering on emerald grass. Acrid smoke rose as we lost sight of the welcoming port, our only hope of warmth and serenity. The crew did not waver easily like me, they had glum smiles written legibly on their faces. Like a promise of freedom to a hardworking slave, the crew swam in the depths of hope and prosperity. They had no idea what awaited us…

Silence.

What was happening here? I awoke a few hours later, from a dutiful nap. Suddenly, a column of water crashed against the starboard - water seeped into the minuscule cracks and dents in the mahogany planks. I ran up the winding stairs: carefully placing every step in order not to fall. Horridly, screeches of terror were emitted from the innocent mouths of my crew, the jet-black water had crawled itself on board, like a river in a flood. Amazingly, a thin streak of lightning hurtled down at us and struck port-side. The eerie and ominous atmosphere created a savage laugh, as the ship drowned in the river of despair. All hope was lost. I jumped heroically into the gnashing teeth of the freezing water, my only escape, yet it was a one-way slide to oblivion. The towering mast fell swiftly in my direction; it connected with my head - I sank into oblivion. All hope was lost…

Apprehensively, I roused; the delicate bruise from the mast still throbbed with pain. My goals and ambitions for this journey were thrown mercilessly from my mind. I had failed! I peered around the sandy beach, it was night-time, the air stank with the smell of excrement, the stars, my only company - shone brightly. I lingered with the grainy particles for a second longer and rose, I steadily walked towards the shield wall of greenish trees. The carnage of what had just occurred still hadn’t caused the intended effect on my mentality, a life’s work at a premature end. The buzz of Secada's and the hum of mockingbirds rang in the distance, the shroud of clouds occasionally covered the moon, it was foreboding. An idea sprang to mind, my only hope for survival was to build a new vessel. However, to do so, I needed to enter the dark and damp forest. I shook aside my fear like a wet dog shaking the water of its fur and I entered the forest.

Immediately, I noticed the carcasses of deceased evergreen leaves which lingered on the forest floor, their intoxicating aura was all but ended. Slowly, they swam along the vast pond; occasionally dipping their tips in the freezing water, it was as if they were dying of thirst. Frighteningly, like a detrimental monster, the pond swallowed the innocent leaves. As a result of the deadly climate, a coarse layer of wispy fog glamoured behind the ancient trunks of the staggering trees. From time to time, without any prior signs, a ghostly howl of wind screeched, it was terrifying, there was no-one in sight; where was I? My vivacious heart-beat rose steadily as fragile remnants of dead trees audibly crunched under the tremendous weight of my legs . Jet-black entities formed in the horizon, perhaps they were a malformation of my disconcerted mind? The serene moon glistened with pride as it shot arrows of moonlight at the dense wall of trees, my only protection…

I pulled my great-axe from the belt around my loose waist, I wielded it and swung it with such might, that the tree in front of me groaned with agony as it fell. Eventually, after much turmoil, I had gathered enough wood to craft my ship. I gathered cotton from the nearby kapok trees, I spun them into celestial sails. I beat the wood and carved it into the seductive curves. Depressingly, she was not a beauty, but she would have to do. I gathered my strength and pushed with all my dubious might, and in due course, the gentle water engulfed the tip of my ship. I gazed at the sun, it was dawn, the great orange star swelled with beauty and elegance, perhaps I would make it back after all. Slowly, the wind made the entire ship shudder with pain as it creaked and cracked backward and forwards. It was not perfect, but it worked.


Many thanks.
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MehranS
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What do you mean by not following a mark scheme?
(Original post by SteveMacca)
While it is important to consciously craft responses to question 5 - ie) including a variety of punctuation, you also do not want to make it blatantly obvious that you're following a mark scheme - ruins flow of an answer.
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Peister_
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SteveMacca
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Hindering the natural flow of a piece of writing by including a colon, for example. In an attempt to gain extra marks through the use of punctuation, you may well end up ruining the fluidity of the piece - resulting in a net loss.
(Original post by MehranS)
What do you mean by not following a mark scheme?
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MehranS
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Oh ok, could you also mark this if you have time?

The blazing sun hurtled spears of light through the chasms between the shield wall of colossal evergreen trees. Resonating throughout the tree tops, the screeches of songbirds could be heard mesmerizing the facade of leaves. Tyrannical trees stood out like hair on the never ending body of the earth. A family of rabbits followed the winding walkway towards the grand and staggering castle; intimidating the army of trees, the obsidian-black castle of Harren stood strong as storm clouds crept slyly behind it - it was truly beautiful.

One could be mistaken in thinking that this would be a tale of wonder. Believe me - It would not be.

Galadrya strolled towards the Castle of Harren (which was now cloaked in darkness), every now and again picking dandelions from the foot of a dark, spindly tree. Suddenly, bullets of rain pierced the armour of the tree tops, falling thickly onto Galadrya’s golden, alluring hair. She quickened her pace, contemplating how her father’s name day would be affected by the sinister onset of nature. The rain had made the soil soggy and slowed her journey to the castle. CRUNCH! Galadrya flipped over as she tripped on a protruding root that disappeared in an instant. Myths and legends had said that Thangorn forest was home to all manners of dark, lingering beings. Wiping the blood and mud off of the graze which had ripped through her cloak, Galadrya began to run as tears cascaded from her eyes onto the ground. Bolts of lightning flashed from above the castle; making faces at Galadrya as she slammed and hammered the humongous gates. Minutes went by, the rain thickened and began to come down heavier and faster: nothing happened. CREAK! The wooden gates opened and Galadrya was confounded by a wave of relief.

Looking around for a sign of life, Galadrya stepped forwards towards her own quarters. The gargantuan ice statue of Harren melted away, forming a half-formed and twisted face. Nothing could be heard as she ascended up the winding staircase. What had happened to everyone? Questions raced through her mind with nary a solution. BOOM! The doors in the hallway bursted open; flinging themselves onto the walls like a child scarding a rag doll. Dark spirits emerged out of the thresholds. The entities of her dead siblings screeched as they piled onto her; they ripped her flesh; whipped her body; severed her arm. Galadrya crawled away, entering the throne room and blockading the doors shut.

Sweat trickled down her brow; her breathing quickened. Looking down, she saw the marks that the entities had branded her with. Instinctively, she raised her left hand to wipe away the blood: what she saw disgusted her - her mutilated arm. Dumbfounded, she didn’t notice the nightmarish blow that shocked her.

Bars that were as cold as ice encapsulated the pitch black dungeon. A pool of her blood drowned her as she broke down hysterically. In the distant corner of the hall, a single torch illuminated her sorrow as Galadrya used the cobblestone wall to regain her footing. Tears brimmed her eyes but she knew what she must do. Hours went by with no sign of her captors. As she began to fear the worst, the bars snapped in half like the beheading of a criminal. The voice of her lord father ricocheted off of the walls as she departed from the castle of Harren, reminding her of the consequences she had just received. The blood moon pierced through the void between the treetops, illuminating the pathway she took just hours before. A pack of wolves howled in the distance; feasting on prey that they had just caught. Twisting and contorting, the now dead trees consoled her as she made it out of the forest. Walking away, she knew that it was the black magic that had did this to her...
(Original post by SteveMacca)
Hindering the natural flow of a piece of writing by including a colon, for example. In an attempt to gain extra marks through the use of punctuation, you may well end up ruining the fluidity of the piece - resulting in a net loss.
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SteveMacca
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Very Impressive - Not only technically accurate but also a joy to read. 34.
(Original post by MehranS)
Oh ok, could you also mark this if you have time?

The blazing sun hurtled spears of light through the chasms between the shield wall of colossal evergreen trees. Resonating throughout the tree tops, the screeches of songbirds could be heard mesmerizing the facade of leaves. Tyrannical trees stood out like hair on the never ending body of the earth. A family of rabbits followed the winding walkway towards the grand and staggering castle; intimidating the army of trees, the obsidian-black castle of Harren stood strong as storm clouds crept slyly behind it - it was truly beautiful.

One could be mistaken in thinking that this would be a tale of wonder. Believe me - It would not be.

Galadrya strolled towards the Castle of Harren (which was now cloaked in darkness), every now and again picking dandelions from the foot of a dark, spindly tree. Suddenly, bullets of rain pierced the armour of the tree tops, falling thickly onto Galadrya’s golden, alluring hair. She quickened her pace, contemplating how her father’s name day would be affected by the sinister onset of nature. The rain had made the soil soggy and slowed her journey to the castle. CRUNCH! Galadrya flipped over as she tripped on a protruding root that disappeared in an instant. Myths and legends had said that Thangorn forest was home to all manners of dark, lingering beings. Wiping the blood and mud off of the graze which had ripped through her cloak, Galadrya began to run as tears cascaded from her eyes onto the ground. Bolts of lightning flashed from above the castle; making faces at Galadrya as she slammed and hammered the humongous gates. Minutes went by, the rain thickened and began to come down heavier and faster: nothing happened. CREAK! The wooden gates opened and Galadrya was confounded by a wave of relief.

Looking around for a sign of life, Galadrya stepped forwards towards her own quarters. The gargantuan ice statue of Harren melted away, forming a half-formed and twisted face. Nothing could be heard as she ascended up the winding staircase. What had happened to everyone? Questions raced through her mind with nary a solution. BOOM! The doors in the hallway bursted open; flinging themselves onto the walls like a child scarding a rag doll. Dark spirits emerged out of the thresholds. The entities of her dead siblings screeched as they piled onto her; they ripped her flesh; whipped her body; severed her arm. Galadrya crawled away, entering the throne room and blockading the doors shut.

Sweat trickled down her brow; her breathing quickened. Looking down, she saw the marks that the entities had branded her with. Instinctively, she raised her left hand to wipe away the blood: what she saw disgusted her - her mutilated arm. Dumbfounded, she didn’t notice the nightmarish blow that shocked her.

Bars that were as cold as ice encapsulated the pitch black dungeon. A pool of her blood drowned her as she broke down hysterically. In the distant corner of the hall, a single torch illuminated her sorrow as Galadrya used the cobblestone wall to regain her footing. Tears brimmed her eyes but she knew what she must do. Hours went by with no sign of her captors. As she began to fear the worst, the bars snapped in half like the beheading of a criminal. The voice of her lord father ricocheted off of the walls as she departed from the castle of Harren, reminding her of the consequences she had just received. The blood moon pierced through the void between the treetops, illuminating the pathway she took just hours before. A pack of wolves howled in the distance; feasting on prey that they had just caught. Twisting and contorting, the now dead trees consoled her as she made it out of the forest. Walking away, she knew that it was the black magic that had did this to her...
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MehranS
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Which one do you prefer for me to learn the skeleton for and apply for any question that comes up?
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SteveMacca
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Do not memorise any responses. The board marks harshly for students who appear to have learnt a response and applied it to a question they wish had come up.
(Original post by MehranS)
Which one do you prefer for me to learn the skeleton for and apply for any question that comes up?
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Davy611
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(Original post by MehranS)
Hey can someone mark my question 5 story, question is an unexpected outcome.
Semantic field of water and fragility.

The illustrious vessel was finally ready. The coarse engravings flowed through the mast like a river carving a canyon. Slowly, the wind made the entire ship shudder with pain as it creaked and cracked forwards and backward. It was perfect. My engineer’s worked many an hour to create this wonder of nature; through thick and thin, through turmoil and anguish and horrendous and peaceful weather. The ship was a beauty. It was as if the Gods, in their high palaces and thrones were smiling down upon me - it was the greatest day of my life. Even with my anxiety and depression, I still managed to not excrete bile from my crusty mouth as I imagined the tremendously savage mission which lay ahead of me. I hoped that I could make it. The vessel was, at the very least, fifty meters long. Its proud and elegant stature seemed to rise with every tenuous heart-beat and shift of wind. I had to get ready, it was time!

Anxiously, I pulled my: thick garments over my head, screamed in pain as I gently lifted the maroon breeches over my many scars and finally, placed my silver steel helmet on my head. It was time. I strolled to the vessel, she was already floating in the vast and the azure sea; waiting for my command. My crew had already assembled, they included: inquisitive watchmen, chubby cooks, and journeymen who were hungry for glory. Although I was scared, I stepped on the vessel, my hands shook with fear and sweat trickled down my bruised face, like rain pattering on emerald grass. Acrid smoke rose as we lost sight of the welcoming port, our only hope of warmth and serenity. The crew did not waver easily like me, they had glum smiles written legibly on their faces. Like a promise of freedom to a hardworking slave, the crew swam in the depths of hope and prosperity. They had no idea what awaited us…

Silence.

What was happening here? I awoke a few hours later, from a dutiful nap. Suddenly, a column of water crashed against the starboard - water seeped into the minuscule cracks and dents in the mahogany planks. I ran up the winding stairs: carefully placing every step in order not to fall. Horridly, screeches of terror were emitted from the innocent mouths of my crew, the jet-black water had crawled itself on board, like a river in a flood. Amazingly, a thin streak of lightning hurtled down at us and struck port-side. The eerie and ominous atmosphere created a savage laugh, as the ship drowned in the river of despair. All hope was lost. I jumped heroically into the gnashing teeth of the freezing water, my only escape, yet it was a one-way slide to oblivion. The towering mast fell swiftly in my direction; it connected with my head - I sank into oblivion. All hope was lost…

Apprehensively, I roused; the delicate bruise from the mast still throbbed with pain. My goals and ambitions for this journey were thrown mercilessly from my mind. I had failed! I peered around the sandy beach, it was night-time, the air stank with the smell of excrement, the stars, my only company - shone brightly. I lingered with the grainy particles for a second longer and rose, I steadily walked towards the shield wall of greenish trees. The carnage of what had just occurred still hadn’t caused the intended effect on my mentality, a life’s work at a premature end. The buzz of Secada's and the hum of mockingbirds rang in the distance, the shroud of clouds occasionally covered the moon, it was foreboding. An idea sprang to mind, my only hope for survival was to build a new vessel. However, to do so, I needed to enter the dark and damp forest. I shook aside my fear like a wet dog shaking the water of its fur and I entered the forest.

Immediately, I noticed the carcasses of deceased evergreen leaves which lingered on the forest floor, their intoxicating aura was all but ended. Slowly, they swam along the vast pond; occasionally dipping their tips in the freezing water, it was as if they were dying of thirst. Frighteningly, like a detrimental monster, the pond swallowed the innocent leaves. As a result of the deadly climate, a coarse layer of wispy fog glamoured behind the ancient trunks of the staggering trees. From time to time, without any prior signs, a ghostly howl of wind screeched, it was terrifying, there was no-one in sight; where was I? My vivacious heart-beat rose steadily as fragile remnants of dead trees audibly crunched under the tremendous weight of my legs . Jet-black entities formed in the horizon, perhaps they were a malformation of my disconcerted mind? The serene moon glistened with pride as it shot arrows of moonlight at the dense wall of trees, my only protection…

I pulled my great-axe from the belt around my loose waist, I wielded it and swung it with such might, that the tree in front of me groaned with agony as it fell. Eventually, after much turmoil, I had gathered enough wood to craft my ship. I gathered cotton from the nearby kapok trees, I spun them into celestial sails. I beat the wood and carved it into the seductive curves. Depressingly, she was not a beauty, but she would have to do. I gathered my strength and pushed with all my dubious might, and in due course, the gentle water engulfed the tip of my ship. I gazed at the sun, it was dawn, the great orange star swelled with beauty and elegance, perhaps I would make it back after all. Slowly, the wind made the entire ship shudder with pain as it creaked and cracked backward and forwards. It was not perfect, but it worked.


Many thanks.
The illustrious vessel was finally ready. The coarse engravings flowed through the mast like rivers carving canyons. Slowly, the wind made the entire ship shudder with pain as it creaked and cracked forwards and backward. She was perfect. My engineers worked many an hour to create this wonder of nature: through thick and thin, through turmoil and anguish and horrendous and peaceful weather. The ship was a beauty. It was as if the Gods, in their high palaces and ornate thrones, were smiling down upon me - it was the greatest day of my life.

Even with my anxiety and depression, I still managed to not excrete bile from my crusty mouth as I imagined the savage mission which lay ahead of me. I hoped that I could make it. The vessel was, at the very least, fifty meters long. Her proud and elegant stature seemed to rise with every tenuous heart-beat and shift of wind. I had to get ready; it was time!

Anxiously, I pulled my thick garments over my head, screamed in pain as I gently lifted the maroon breeches over my many scars and finally, placed my silver steel helmet on my head. It was time. I strolled to the vessel; she was already floating in the vast azure sea, waiting for my command. My crew had already assembled. They included inquisitive watchmen, chubby cooks, and journeymen who were hungry for glory. Although I was scared, I stepped on the vessel; my hands shook with fear and sweat trickled down my bruised face, like rain pattering on emerald grass. Acrid smoke rose as we lost sight of the welcoming port, our only hope of warmth and serenity. The crew did not waver easily like me; they had glum smiles written legibly on their faces. Like a promise of freedom to a hardworking slave, the crew swam in the depths of hope and prosperity. They had no idea what awaited us…

Silence.

What was happening here? I awoke a few hours later. Suddenly, a column of water crashed against the starboard - water seeped into the minuscule cracks and dents in the mahogany planks. I ran up the winding stairs, carefully placing every step in order not to fall. Horridly, screeches of terror were emitted from the innocent mouths of my crew; the jet-black water had crawled on board, like thick blood. Amazingly, a thin streak of lightning hurtled down at us and struck port-side. The eerie and ominous atmosphere stank of death, as the ship drowned in the river of despair. All hope was lost. I jumped into the gnashing teeth of the freezing water: my only escape. It was a one-way slide to oblivion. The towering mast fell swiftly in my direction; it connected with my head. I sank. All hope was lost…

Apprehensively, I roused; the rough bruise from the mast still throbbed with pain. My goals and ambitions for this journey had been thrown mercilessly from my mind. I had failed. I peered around the sandy beach; it was night-time and the air hummed with the smell of excrement. The stars, my only companions - shone brightly. I lingered with the grainy particles for a second longer and rose. I steadily walked towards the shield wall of greenish trees. The carnage of what had just occurred still hadn’t caused the intended effect on my mentality: a life’s work at a premature end. The buzz of cicadas and the hum of mockingbirds rang in the distance; the shroud of clouds occasionally covered the moon. It was foreboding.

An idea sprang to mind: my only hope for survival was to build a new vessel. However, to do so, I needed to enter the dark and damp forest. I shook aside my fear, like a wet dog shaking the water off its fur, and I entered the forest.

Immediately, I noticed the carcasses of deceased evergreen leaves which lingered on the forest floor. Their intoxicating aura was all but ended. Slowly, they swam along the vast pond, occasionally dipping their tips in the freezing water. It was as if they were dying of thirst. Frighteningly, like a prehistoric monster, the pond swallowed the innocent leaves. As a result of the deadly climate, a coarse layer of wispy fog glamoured behind the ancient trunks of the staggering trees. From time to time, without any prior signs, a ghostly howl of wind screeched. It was terrifying; there was no-one in sight. Where was I? My heart-beat rose steadily as fragile remnants of dead trees audibly crunched under the tremendous weight of my legs. Jet-black entities formed in the horizon; perhaps they were a malformation of my disorientated mind? The serene moon glistened with pride as it shot arrows of moonlight at the dense wall of trees: my only protection…

I pulled my great-axe from the belt around my loose waist. I wielded it and swung it with such might that the tree in front of me groaned with agony as it fell. Eventually, after much turmoil, I had gathered enough wood to craft my ship. I gathered cotton from the nearby kapok trees and I spun them into celestial sails. I beat the wood and carved it into seductive curves. Depressingly, she was not a beauty, but she would have to do. I gathered my strength and pushed with all my might, and in due course, the gentle water engulfed the tip of my ship. I gazed at the sun; it was dawn. The great orange star swelled with beauty and elegance; perhaps I would make it back after all. Slowly, the wind made the entire ship shudder with pain as it creaked and cracked backward and forwards. She was not perfect, but she worked.

Feedback

Consistent and clear. Increasingly sophisticated vocabulary (but not always effectively placed). Coherent paragraphs. Register appropriate for audience and task. AO5 - 17
Sentence demarcation is mostly secure and mostly accurate. AO6 - 9
17+9 = 26/40. Grade 6.
I've shown you how to use semi colons and colons more effectively. I've also removed unnecessary phrases. Try and follow a maxim of 'show and not tell'. A good example was the 'heroically' line; the character wouldn't have time to consider how great they were as they leaped into the water. It's 'cicadas'. Call the ship 'her' throughout; it makes it more of a love story.
Now I'd expect it to attain 20+14: 34/40. Grade 9.
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Arman132
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Davy611 Could you possibly mark my one aswell? Thanks

EXT MET: War


The blazing sun hurtled spears of light through the chasms between the shield wall of colossal evergreen trees. Resonating throughout the tree tops, the screeches of songbirds could be heard mesmerizing the facade of leaves. Tyrannical trees stood out like hair on the never ending body of the earth. A family of rabbits followed the winding walkway towards the grand and staggering castle; intimidating the army of trees, the obsidian-black castle of Harren stood strong as storm clouds crept slyly behind it - it was truly beautiful.

One could be mistaken in thinking that this would be a tale of wonder. Believe me - It would not be.

Galadrya strolled towards the Castle of Harren (which was now cloaked in darkness), every now and again picking dandelions from the foot of a dark, spindly tree. Suddenly, bullets of rain pierced the armour of the tree tops, falling thickly onto Galadrya’s golden, alluring hair. She quickened her pace, contemplating how her father’s name day would be affected by the sinister onset of nature. The rain had made the soil soggy and slowed her journey to the castle. CRUNCH! Galadrya flipped over as she tripped on a protruding root that disappeared in an instant. Myths and legends had said that Thangorn forest was home to all manners of dark, lingering beings. Wiping the blood and mud off of the graze which had ripped through her cloak, Galadrya began to run as tears cascaded from her eyes onto the ground. Bolts of lightning flashed from above the castle; making faces at Galadrya as she slammed and hammered the humongous gates. Minutes went by, the rain thickened and began to come down heavier and faster: nothing happened. CREAK! The wooden gates opened and Galadrya was confounded by a wave of relief.

Looking around for a sign of life, Galadrya stepped forwards towards her own quarters. The gargantuan ice statue of Harren melted away, forming a half-formed and twisted face. Nothing could be heard as she ascended up the winding staircase. What had happened to everyone? Questions raced through her mind with nary a solution. BOOM! The doors in the hallway burst open; flinging themselves onto the walls like a child scarding a rag doll. Dark spirits emerged out of the thresholds. The entities of her dead siblings screeched as they piled onto her; they ripped her flesh; whipped her body; severed her arm. Galadrya crawled away, entering the throne room and blockading the doors shut.

Sweat trickled down her brow; her breathing quickened. Looking down, she saw the marks that the entities had branded her with. Instinctively, she raised her left hand to wipe away the blood: what she saw disgusted her - her mutilated arm. Dumbfounded, she didn’t notice the nightmarish blow that shocked her. The dark entity that was her lord father escorted her to the deathly dungeons below.

Bars that were as cold as ice encapsulated the pitch black dungeon. A pool of her blood drowned her as she broke down hysterically. In the distant corner of the hall, a single torch illuminated her sorrow as Galadrya used the cobblestone wall to regain her footing. Tears brimmed her eyes but she knew what she must do. Hours went by with no sign of her captors. As she began to fear the worst, the bars snapped in half like the beheading of a criminal. The voice of her lord father ricocheted off of the walls as she departed from the castle of Harren, reminding her of the consequences she had just received. The blood moon pierced through the void between the treetops, illuminating the pathway she took just hours before. A pack of wolves howled in the distance; feasting on prey that they had just caught. Twisting and contorting, the now dead trees consoled her as she made it out of the forest. Walking away, she knew that it was the black magic that had did this to her...
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