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AQA GCSE English Language Paper 1 8700/1 - 4 Jun 2019 [Exam Discussion]

The blazing sun hurtled spears of light through the chasms between the shield walls of colossal evergreen trees. Resonating throughout the tree tops, the screeches of songbirds could be heard, mesmerizing the facade of leaves. Tyrannical trees stood out like hair on the never ending body of the earth. A family of rabbits followed the winding walkway towards the grand and staggering castle, intimidating the army of trees. The obsidian-black bulk of Harren stood strong as storm clouds crept slyly behind it - it was bleakly beautiful.

One could be mistaken in thinking that this would be a tale of wonder. Believe me - it would not.

Galadrya strolled towards the Castle of Harren (now cloaked in darkness), every now and again picking dandelions from the foot of dark, spindly trees. Suddenly, bullets of rain pierced the armour of the tree tops, falling thickly onto Galadrya’s golden hair. She quickened her pace, contemplating how her father’s name day would be affected by the sinister onset of nature. The rain had made the soil soggy and slowed her journey to the castle. There was a sudden and sickening crunch. Galadrya flipped over as she tripped on a protruding root that disappeared in an instant. Myths and legends had said that Thangorn forest was home to all manners of dark, lingering beings. Wiping the blood and mud from the graze which had ripped through her cloak, Galadrya began to run. Tears cascaded from her eyes onto the ground. Bolts of lightning flashed from above the castle, making faces at Galadrya as she slammed and hammered at the obdurate gates. Minutes went by: the rain thickened and began to come down heavier and faster. But nothing happened..

Until, with a welcome creak, the wooden gates opened and Galadrya was swamped by a wave of relief.

Looking around for a sign of life, Galadrya stepped forwards towards her own quarters. The gargantuan ice statue of Harren melted away, forming a half-formed and twisted face. Nothing could be heard as she ascended up the winding staircase. What had happened to everyone? Questions raced through her mind with no answers. The doors in the hallway burst open, flinging themselves onto the walls like children hurling rag dolls. Dark spirits emerged out of the shadows. The entities of her dead siblings screeched as they piled onto her; they ripped her flesh; they whipped her body; they severed her arm. Galadrya crawled away, entering the throne room and blockading the doors shut.

Sweat trickled down her brow; her breathing quickened. Looking down, she saw the marks that the entities had branded her with. Instinctively, she raised her left hand to wipe away the blood: what she saw disgusted her - her mutilated arm. Dumbfounded, she didn’t notice the nightmarish blow that shocked her. The dark entity that was her lord father escorted her to the deathly dungeons below.

Bars that were as cold as ice glimmered in the black dungeon. A pool of her own blood choked her as she broke down. In the distant corner of the hall, a single torch illuminated her sorrow as Galadrya used the cobblestone wall to regain her footing. Tears brimmed her eyes but she knew what she must do. Hours went by with no sign of her captors. As she began to fear the worst, the bars snapped in half like the beheading of a criminal. The voice of her lord father ricocheted off of the walls as she departed from the castle of Harren, reminding her of the consequences she had just received. The blood moon pierced through the void between the treetops, illuminating the pathway she took just hours before. A pack of wolves howled in the distance; feasting on prey that they had just caught. Twisting and contorting, the now dead trees consoled her as she made it out of the forest. Walking away, she knew that it was the black magic that had done this to her...

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Consistent. Reasonably clear. Increasingly sophisticated vocabulary. Interesting use of devices. AO5 - 16
Sentence demarcation mostly secure. You struggle with semi colons and colons. I've changed them for illustration purposes. AO6 - 9
25/40. Grade 6.

It's overly wordy at times and you should try and imply more but tell less. It's a pretty common issue and we saw the same thing in the previous response that was submitted to this thread. How did she function so well with only one arm?

The contrasts are good. It was a decent idea to present the central character as sunshine but the castle as darkness. The ending still isn't very convincing. Now, I'd expect it to attain 18 + 13. 31/40. Grade 8.

Original post by Arman132

@Davy611 Could you possibly mark my one aswell? Thanks

EXT MET: War

The blazing sun hurtled spears of light through the chasms between the shield wall of colossal evergreen trees. Resonating throughout the tree tops, the screeches of songbirds could be heard mesmerizing the facade of leaves. Tyrannical trees stood out like hair on the never ending body of the earth. A family of rabbits followed the winding walkway towards the grand and staggering castle; intimidating the army of trees, the obsidian-black castle of Harren stood strong as storm clouds crept slyly behind it - it was truly beautiful.

One could be mistaken in thinking that this would be a tale of wonder. Believe me - It would not be.

Galadrya strolled towards the Castle of Harren (which was now cloaked in darkness), every now and again picking dandelions from the foot of a dark, spindly tree. Suddenly, bullets of rain pierced the armour of the tree tops, falling thickly onto Galadrya’s golden, alluring hair. She quickened her pace, contemplating how her father’s name day would be affected by the sinister onset of nature. The rain had made the soil soggy and slowed her journey to the castle. CRUNCH! Galadrya flipped over as she tripped on a protruding root that disappeared in an instant. Myths and legends had said that Thangorn forest was home to all manners of dark, lingering beings. Wiping the blood and mud off of the graze which had ripped through her cloak, Galadrya began to run as tears cascaded from her eyes onto the ground. Bolts of lightning flashed from above the castle; making faces at Galadrya as she slammed and hammered the humongous gates. Minutes went by, the rain thickened and began to come down heavier and faster: nothing happened. CREAK! The wooden gates opened and Galadrya was confounded by a wave of relief.

Looking around for a sign of life, Galadrya stepped forwards towards her own quarters. The gargantuan ice statue of Harren melted away, forming a half-formed and twisted face. Nothing could be heard as she ascended up the winding staircase. What had happened to everyone? Questions raced through her mind with nary a solution. BOOM! The doors in the hallway burst open; flinging themselves onto the walls like a child scarding a rag doll. Dark spirits emerged out of the thresholds. The entities of her dead siblings screeched as they piled onto her; they ripped her flesh; whipped her body; severed her arm. Galadrya crawled away, entering the throne room and blockading the doors shut.

Sweat trickled down her brow; her breathing quickened. Looking down, she saw the marks that the entities had branded her with. Instinctively, she raised her left hand to wipe away the blood: what she saw disgusted her - her mutilated arm. Dumbfounded, she didn’t notice the nightmarish blow that shocked her. The dark entity that was her lord father escorted her to the deathly dungeons below.

Bars that were as cold as ice encapsulated the pitch black dungeon. A pool of her blood drowned her as she broke down hysterically. In the distant corner of the hall, a single torch illuminated her sorrow as Galadrya used the cobblestone wall to regain her footing. Tears brimmed her eyes but she knew what she must do. Hours went by with no sign of her captors. As she began to fear the worst, the bars snapped in half like the beheading of a criminal. The voice of her lord father ricocheted off of the walls as she departed from the castle of Harren, reminding her of the consequences she had just received. The blood moon pierced through the void between the treetops, illuminating the pathway she took just hours before. A pack of wolves howled in the distance; feasting on prey that they had just caught. Twisting and contorting, the now dead trees consoled her as she made it out of the forest. Walking away, she knew that it was the black magic that had did this to her...

Reply 41

Arman132

12

Lol you added one sentence and it turns into a grade 8? Weird :s-smilie:

Original post by Davy611

The blazing sun hurtled spears of light through the chasms between the shield walls of colossal evergreen trees. Resonating throughout the tree tops, the screeches of songbirds could be heard, mesmerizing the facade of leaves. Tyrannical trees stood out like hair on the never ending body of the earth. A family of rabbits followed the winding walkway towards the grand and staggering castle, intimidating the army of trees. The obsidian-black bulk of Harren stood strong as storm clouds crept slyly behind it - it was bleakly beautiful.

One could be mistaken in thinking that this would be a tale of wonder. Believe me - it would not.

Galadrya strolled towards the Castle of Harren (now cloaked in darkness), every now and again picking dandelions from the foot of dark, spindly trees. Suddenly, bullets of rain pierced the armour of the tree tops, falling thickly onto Galadrya’s golden hair. She quickened her pace, contemplating how her father’s name day would be affected by the sinister onset of nature. The rain had made the soil soggy and slowed her journey to the castle. There was a sudden and sickening crunch. Galadrya flipped over as she tripped on a protruding root that disappeared in an instant. Myths and legends had said that Thangorn forest was home to all manners of dark, lingering beings. Wiping the blood and mud from the graze which had ripped through her cloak, Galadrya began to run. Tears cascaded from her eyes onto the ground. Bolts of lightning flashed from above the castle, making faces at Galadrya as she slammed and hammered at the obdurate gates. Minutes went by: the rain thickened and began to come down heavier and faster. But nothing happened..

Until, with a welcome creak, the wooden gates opened and Galadrya was swamped by a wave of relief.

Looking around for a sign of life, Galadrya stepped forwards towards her own quarters. The gargantuan ice statue of Harren melted away, forming a half-formed and twisted face. Nothing could be heard as she ascended up the winding staircase. What had happened to everyone? Questions raced through her mind with no answers. The doors in the hallway burst open, flinging themselves onto the walls like children hurling rag dolls. Dark spirits emerged out of the shadows. The entities of her dead siblings screeched as they piled onto her; they ripped her flesh; they whipped her body; they severed her arm. Galadrya crawled away, entering the throne room and blockading the doors shut.

Sweat trickled down her brow; her breathing quickened. Looking down, she saw the marks that the entities had branded her with. Instinctively, she raised her left hand to wipe away the blood: what she saw disgusted her - her mutilated arm. Dumbfounded, she didn’t notice the nightmarish blow that shocked her. The dark entity that was her lord father escorted her to the deathly dungeons below.

Bars that were as cold as ice glimmered in the black dungeon. A pool of her own blood choked her as she broke down. In the distant corner of the hall, a single torch illuminated her sorrow as Galadrya used the cobblestone wall to regain her footing. Tears brimmed her eyes but she knew what she must do. Hours went by with no sign of her captors. As she began to fear the worst, the bars snapped in half like the beheading of a criminal. The voice of her lord father ricocheted off of the walls as she departed from the castle of Harren, reminding her of the consequences she had just received. The blood moon pierced through the void between the treetops, illuminating the pathway she took just hours before. A pack of wolves howled in the distance; feasting on prey that they had just caught. Twisting and contorting, the now dead trees consoled her as she made it out of the forest. Walking away, she knew that it was the black magic that had done this to her...

Feedback

Consistent. Reasonably clear. Increasingly sophisticated vocabulary. Interesting use of devices. AO5 - 16
Sentence demarcation mostly secure. You struggle with semi colons and colons. I've changed them for illustration purposes. AO6 - 9
25/40. Grade 6.

It's overly wordy at times and you should try and imply more but tell less. It's a pretty common issue and we saw the same thing in the previous response that was submitted to this thread. How did she function so well with only one arm?

The contrasts are good. It was a decent idea to present the central character as sunshine but the castle as darkness. The ending still isn't very convincing. Now, I'd expect it to attain 18 + 13. 31/40. Grade 8.

Reply 42

Davy611

12

Incorrect. I changed numerous punctuation errors, several grammatical issues and removed a number of superfluous and unnecessary phrases. The oxymoron at the end of the first paragraph, I agree, is gorgeous though. The AO5 remains in the same level (3) because the content doesn't convince. It's moved from the middle to the top though. The AO6 moves more significantly from level 3 to level 4 because now 'a wide range of punctuation is used with a high level of accuracy'. It wasn't before.

Reply 43

LordThomas

9

How much do I write for each question, excluding the creative one.

Reply 44

9999999999

9

Original post by mrowen

how much do i write for each question, excluding the creative one.

q1 4 marks 5 mins 4 sentences
q2 8 marks 15 mins 2 paragraphs
q3 8 marks 15 mins 3 paragraphs
q4 20 marks 25 mins 3 paragraphs
q5 40 marks 45 mins 4 developed ideas (events/aspects)

Reply 45

K Russell

12

For Question 5, where it says to write a description suggested by the picture, are we allowed to write a story if it includes description?

Reply 46

littlecarbohi

4

Can you repeat paragraphs for Q4 that you have done for Q2 and Q3 but add in more detail?

Reply 47

Davy611

12

No, don't repeat yourself. Draw on the same sources if you absolutely have to but the focus of the tasks will be different and this should be reflected in your response.

Reply 48

Owenwilson700

6

Original post by 9999999999

q1 4 marks 5 mins 4 sentences
q2 8 marks 15 mins 2 paragraphs
q3 8 marks 15 mins 3 paragraphs
q4 20 marks 25 mins 3 paragraphs
q5 40 marks 45 mins 4 developed ideas (events/aspects)

Thanks

Reply 49

mjhmichael18

OP

19

What do you think is likely to come up tomorrow? Any predictions please? Any good ideas that could be adapted depending on what does come up for a story or description in question 5? Thanks and Best wishes From Michael.

(edited 4 years ago)

Reply 50

Davy611

12

Always make your opening paragraph for Q5 a scene setting one that includes pathetic fallacy, personification, a semi colon and a colon. Start well and the rest will follow.

Reply 51

MehranS

9

I may not be correct, but I personally think that they might challenge us with two descriptions instead of a narrative and description. In terms of adaptation, you can use my story if you want, it scored 33 - 37 by people.
Dismal rain pattered gently on the forest floor.Viscous water swam blissfully among the army of emerald leaves - without a worry in the world.Furiously, I penetrated the damp ground with my elongated spear.The hunt had begun.I was a cheetah clambering after my prey (an insolent traitor which had left my team).Hues of green lingered in the corners of my vision.Where was he? Efficiently, I retrieved my spear and ran in the direction of the horizon - a trouble to my nightmares.

At the break of night, I screeched in pain as I remembered the traitor’s treacherous acts and violations against me.He was my worst enemy - my nemesis.Perhaps I would never find him.Perhaps I would never taste his wistful drops of blood on my desperate lips.Perhaps I would find him and when I do; he should buckle on his fragile knees and plead for mercy:he will not receive it. My tenuous escapes from reality alternated from these nightmares to elegant dreams where my precise thrust pierced his thin skin and my heart filled with warmth as I saw his cold eyes close for the last time.I couldn’t sleep.

I closed my eyes...

I remembered waking up to a bleak dusk, my company’s ancient armour and priceless weapons of destruction lay basking in the drowning sun.I smiled with an arrogant feeling of joy as I closed my eyes: forming a shield wall to the continuously reducing amount of spears of sunlight.

Silence.The buzz of cicadas and the shuffle of grasshoppers couldn’t rip through the ambiguous silence surrounding our camp.Slowly, like a prehistoric monster, the wind shifted and turned, dismantling the serene atmosphere and causing a trouble to my sleep.

Disconcertedly, I had awoken to a feeling of loss and deprivement.Immediately, I noticed the absence of the jewels of my treasury - the antique weaponry. Without another second of thought, I counted the lifeless bodies:their scarlet stained clothes enlightened me to the brutal massacre of my company. The deceased bodies seemed to whisper to me in their eternal damnation:”It was Turner!” My knees buckled and my innocent eyes brimmed with salty tears as I noticed the body of my brother lying on the floor - he was brutally murdered, his body seemed to be painted primarily with one colour - red.

I located my spear under my staggering tent; a blood moon had formed overnight, mourning the inhumane murder of my fellow comrades. Beautifully, arrows of silver moonlight illuminated the tracks that the stupendous traitor had left - the mark of a criminal. Rage swelled inaudibly inside my body. I sprinted towards the forest; the dense herd of evergreen trees creaked and cracked with every shift of the wind and tenuous heartbeat. Triumphantly, I reached the forest, Immediately, I noticed the carcasses of deceased evergreen leaves which lingered on the forest floor, their intoxicating aura was all but ended. Slowly, they swam along the vast pond; occasionally dipping their tips in the freezing water, it was as if they were dying of thirst. Frighteningly, like a detrimental monster, the pond swallowed the innocent leaves. As a result of the deadly climate, a coarse layer of wispy fog glamoured behind the ancient trunks of the staggering trees. From time to time, without any prior signs, a ghostly howl of wind screeched - it was terrifying. There was no-one in sight. Where was I? My vivacious heart-beat rose steadily as fragile remnants of dead trees audibly crunched under the tremendous weight of my legs . Jet-black entities formed in the horizon, perhaps they were a malformation of my disconcerted mind?Was that Turner?

The forest was teemed with meek twitterings of petite birds and the rustling of trees. Dismal rain pattered gently on the forest floor.Viscous water swam blissfully among the army of emerald leaves - without a worry in the world.Furiously, I penetrated the damp ground with my elongated spear.