My girlfriend is close friends with someone who's bullying me... Watch

Anonymous #1
#1
Report Thread starter 1 month ago
#1
Okay so I'm a 17 year old female, and me and my girlfriend have been dating for almost a year and a half now. Our relationship is really good and strong, apart from this one thing.
Someone who used to be my best friend has been psychologically bullying me for about eight /nine months now. I've done my best to restart our friendship on several occasions, but nothing has come of it, which has greatly hurt me.
Back in September or October I voiced my concerns to my girlfriend and talked about how upset I am to have lost my best friend in such a way, and she comforted me and said I had every right to be feeling what I'm feeling ect.
However I have recently noticed that she's been getting closer to this person who's bullying me, and thus is crushing me emotionally and I'm so exhausted with it. I have said to her that it does hurt me that she would be close to someone who's hurt me so much and she says she understands but her actions do not match up with her words at all. Don't get me wrong, she's an absolutely lovely girl, when he isn't around; it's like she's putting him first and as soon as he comes to sit with us at sixth form with all our other friends, she immediately talks to him and abandons our conversation. She's invited him to her birthday party, knowing full well I wouldn't attend with him there
I just really don't know what to do, I'm in a very awkward situation as we are all part of one friend group in sixth form, and because I'm so quiet there's not really much chance of being able to make new friends.
It's really dragging me down when I know I need to be focusing on A Levels.
I mostly needed to get this off my chest, but any advice would be gratefully received.
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AzureCeleste
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#2
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Fully explain what he has done to you to her
You can't choose her friends but she can choose to respect you a bit more and keep your two friendships separate
Tell her how you feel- maybe explain to her that you feel like she just drops conversations when he comes and joins the group (she probably doesn't notice it). Also voice how you feel that her actions and words are contradictory

The best you can do is communicate and voice your concerns
It's up to you how much it matters that they are friends

Can I ask how he has pshychologically been bullying you? As you haven't given any examples?
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Anonymous #1
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thank you so much for your advice, i definitely will voice my concerns, i just wasn't sure that was the best course of action to take.

As for examples of bullying, it's really subtle things like leaving me out of conversations on purpose and talking over me when i actually do talk (i am a very anxious person so i tend to not talk in big groups), inviting everyone out in front of me except me and when someone else asks who's going he says "everyone who matters", belittling my phobia of crowds, implying I am not clever or good enough to study dentistry, whispering about me when I am there so I hear him mocking the things i say, and once he implied I should kill myself (i can't get the exact phrasing but he basically called me useless and it would be beneficial to everyone else if i wasn't here). Generally lots of little things like that, i know it doesn't seem like a big deal but when someone goes from being your best friend to doing this every day it really does grind you down, especially as he still means a lot to me but i just dislike the person he's become. it's like if he has a friend that is too boring for him (which I think I was because I don't particularly like parties) or he can't use he just cuts off from them. Basically it's a really toxic friendship that I need to escape from but I can't all the time my girlfriend is talking to him right in front of me and ignoring me.
(Original post by AzureCeleste)
Fully explain what he has done to you to her
You can't choose her friends but she can choose to respect you a bit more and keep your two friendships separate
Tell her how you feel- maybe explain to her that you feel like she just drops conversations when he comes and joins the group (she probably doesn't notice it). Also voice how you feel that her actions and words are contradictory

The best you can do is communicate and voice your concerns
It's up to you how much it matters that they are friends

Can I ask how he has pshychologically been bullying you? As you haven't given any examples?
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AzureCeleste
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(Original post by Anonymous)
thank you so much for your advice, i definitely will voice my concerns, i just wasn't sure that was the best course of action to take.

As for examples of bullying, it's really subtle things like leaving me out of conversations on purpose and talking over me when i actually do talk (i am a very anxious person so i tend to not talk in big groups), inviting everyone out in front of me except me and when someone else asks who's going he says "everyone who matters", belittling my phobia of crowds, implying I am not clever or good enough to study dentistry, whispering about me when I am there so I hear him mocking the things i say, and once he implied I should kill myself (i can't get the exact phrasing but he basically called me useless and it would be beneficial to everyone else if i wasn't here). Generally lots of little things like that, i know it doesn't seem like a big deal but when someone goes from being your best friend to doing this every day it really does grind you down, especially as he still means a lot to me but i just dislike the person he's become. it's like if he has a friend that is too boring for him (which I think I was because I don't particularly like parties) or he can't use he just cuts off from them. Basically it's a really toxic friendship that I need to escape from but I can't all the time my girlfriend is talking to him right in front of me and ignoring me.
I'd say just try and brush it off- hard I know as he was a very good friend of yours but he's not worth your time at all
I could imagine your girlfriends response would probably be to just ignore it but try and bring it up and ask her to see things from your point of view and understand that all these small things build up over time

I hope you can escape from this friendship permanently at some point
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Johndoeskitty
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He's a jerk. It's obvious he is passive aggressively insulting you.

If your girlfriend truly thinks of you as a priority she would make herself distant from him. In terms of her birthday, it should be that you are the priority guest, not him. I think this whole thing isn't working. You've talked to her and she still does the same thing (is she attracted to him? because that's how she's acting). If I were you I'd break up and also find a completely new circle of friends.
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Anonymous #1
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Report Thread starter 1 month ago
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Yeah I think you're right there - I have been in that mindset today and it's kinda made a difference. Just hope I can keep this positivity up and focus on my studies instead. I am calling my girlfriend tonight so I can talk to her (it's somewhat easier to do that rather than face to face) so I can talkto her about everything. I am going off to Uni next year fingers crossed so hopefully I will be able to cut him out of my life forever, hard as that may be.
Thank you for allyour help, all the best
(Original post by AzureCeleste)
I'd say just try and brush it off- hard I know as he was a very good friend of yours but he's not worth your time at all
I could imagine your girlfriends response would probably be to just ignore it but try and bring it up and ask her to see things from your point of view and understand that all these small things build up over time

I hope you can escape from this friendship permanently at some point
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Anonymous #1
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I mean it definitely hurts what he says to me, and I completely disagree with my girlfriend hanging around with someone like that (obviously i know i dont get to pick her friends but i just want to protect her from toxic people). Her birthday has been and gone and one other person didn't go, and that hurt quite a lot. I am calling her tonight to tell her that I still feel like she's prioritising him, even after i've explained how much i am being hurt, and that if she likes him just to tell me rather than do all of this, because it really isn't working for me at the moment
(Original post by Johndoeskitty)
He's a jerk. It's obvious he is passive aggressively insulting you.

If your girlfriend truly thinks of you as a priority she would make herself distant from him. In terms of her birthday, it should be that you are the priority guest, not him. I think this whole thing isn't working. You've talked to her and she still does the same thing (is she attracted to him? because that's how she's acting). If I were you I'd break up and also find a completely new circle of friends.
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