What must I do?

Honestly, I wouldn't know where to begin. I'm posting this as anonymous because some people I'll mention/talk about, or people associated with the events I'm going to talk or know about certain things in one way/form and I don't want them to know this is... me. If that made any sense.

My Grandma's dying. She's about 70, and she's been the one raising me. Not my mum, she was too busy at work, or trying to keep 5 other members of our family satisfied under one roof of a single flat. Not my dad either; he worked double shifts at work, both day and night, just to pay for my school fees.

I'm doing AS, I've done all my exams, and yet, I still feel a pressure. It's the pressure that you can't quite pinpoint. It's not the pressure to succeed academically, nor is it the pressure to be social or "cool". It's just, a constant pressure that I've been feeling ever since I went to secondary school at year 9.

My mum has a rare genetic muscle disorder, which has affected about 8 or 9 people in the entire world. There's no cure, and eventually her muscles will wear away and she'll be in a wheelchair. She was in hospital for a good 6 months when I was around 12 or so, and she was put on steroids to counteract the disease, and it stopped the rate of deteriation but obviously cannot stop it completely.

My grandma has so many medical conditions that it's just not feasable to put it all on one list. She's depressed, I mean extremely depressed. She's lost the will to live, and the amount of pain that she feels daily is undeserving of the suffering that she's been through. She went to hospital last year during my GCSE's, and I just couldn't buckle down and focus. I don't know, maybe I'm using her as an excuse for my inept ability to know what I want to be. Recently, (yes, just about the time my AS levels began) she's hit a critical low again, and she's just, depressed. And I know this sounds extremely cruel and sadistic, but our entire family is hoping for the day she'll die... including myself. Purely because euthanasia hasn't worked out its "flaws" Anyway, that's a debate topic that I don't want to get into.

I changed school from private education, and went to state school from GCSE -> AS. I feel as though I've just let my parents down with downright crap grades. I really, really do feel as though I've underachieved for them... I mean, I got 4As, 5Bs, 1C and 1D when my general attitude is "if he can get an A*, why can't I?"

Having come from a private school that injected the ideology of "chav hate" into me, into a state school in an area that generally has a reputation for a heck of a lot of chavs, I feel as though I've been shoved into a downright rough area where you're expected to "stand tough", where "stand tough" generally means act, look and be cool. Which I just can't goddamn ****ing do, and I don't want to do, for that matter. Something happened at school which pretty much himilated me into the next century. Something that they will ALWAYS be able to use against me.

So I thought, why the hell should I even TRY to "fit in" where the best topical conversation I can come up with is "Oh my DAYS she's so ****in' fit man!" And then, I thought, I'll beat them at the one thing they'll never do; being smart. And I failed at that, just as I failed at fullfilling my potential. I want to get the highest possible grades I can get, and I want to be what I want to be... yet I have this constant pressure from both sides of my life, where I seem to be pushed into the brink of depression simply because I have no idea where I stand. For the past four years, I've been resorting to escapism through the use of addictive video games and general internet related crap which I totally regret to this day.

Even now, I hear the ghasps for breath that my Grandma takes every time she wants to do something she could previously do... like wash the dishes, or do the ironing, just to help my mum...and I just don't ****ing know what to do anymore. I just don't know.

dude, I don't know if be notified that I've quoted you, or whether or not you're even still using TSR..but I'm horrified that nobody bothered to reply to you and what you've said is so sad!

I know this was a year ago or something, but quote me if you get this and if you're cool! peace and love x x x x

Well it was lucky that I was online at this particular time and just happened to click on the thread. I read the first sentence or two and realised it was me over a year ago... nobody really gives a crap about people with problems because everyone has problems, except the "normal" people can deal with them effectively. Hopefully it still comes up as anon#1, or else everyone'll think I'm a troll.

I can't believe how much I haven't changed in a year... my grandma died last year and I just about managed an ABC at A2, but I still can't pull my life together. I thought my constant thirst for appreciation and affirmation would be quenched once my Grandma passed away, but it hasn't, and I think it's pretty sad that the only people I can trust with this sensitive information are the users of an internet forum...

Firsty, there are always some good people at those 'chav schools' and jerks and private. I do feel sorry for you... Are you at university now?

Yes. But as with every other life-changing event, I've just about squeezed through, but at a price. I got in through clearing, so I'm living alone. I've made a few friends but I already feel as though I'm a burden and that I'm pushing them away.

I'm not sitting here feeling sorry for myself, in fact I know I'm better off than most people, it's just I feel as though I've been swimming against the tide. There's so much more crap I could get into but I simply won't because it'll give me away, and make me look even more pathetic.

I even tried emailing the Samaritans, but even they "can't make important decisions for me" - well at least ******* advise me on what to do!

I'm only going to be able to offer generic advice, but join a society, something that'll give you some stress relief whilst also getting you a wider social circle. And if you don't like one you join, join another etc. People are usually very friendly at them.

Are the decisions you're finding it hard to make on what you want to do with your future? Almost everyone finds these hard! But with the adding stress of, I suppose- being financially able to take care of your mum?, it must be even harder Sorry- I didn't read your first post completely clearly, but do you have brothers and sisters, or any other family?

dude, I don't know if be notified that I've quoted you, or whether or not you're even still using TSR..but I'm horrified that nobody bothered to reply to you and what you've said is so sad!

I know this was a year ago or something, but quote me if you get this and if you're cool! peace and love x x x x

I've made friends, yeah, but I've made so few in comparison to others and I don't know how to get to know them better. I mean, one of my best friends from Sixth Form decided to completely blank me this weekend. I found out that one of my old friends OD'd and died in Birmingham too. It's just been the ********* weekend of my life.

The decisions are largely based on my future, yeah, and I'm an only child. Sort of explains a lot.

I just realised this is making me feel better, since I'm re-reading everything I write.

Hey beaut! I've read the other posts on this thread... where abouts are you at university? How's everything going? I know I don't know you but I understand what you mean about finding security in people you've never met on an internet forum x x x x x

It's time to live your own life. I think you should take this opportunity to live in halls whilst you have it, after all, if you were to decide that you hate halls then you could just leave.
I know some very shy people who've gone to university this year who've managed to make friends very easily...

Don't regret not doing something, only regret what you've done.

I've made a pretty cool smallish group of friends anyway, so I'm alright with that respect now anyway - just need to be a little more social now.

The room for halls was given to someone else who got there before I did, but oh well.