Got cheated on once, I left the relationship, should I have given my ex a chance? Watch

Anonymous #1
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So I have the mindset that if you cheat once, that is it. I can't give you another chance because you could do it again. My friends have been telling me that in order to form a long lasting relationship, I need to learn to forgive and give another opportunity. But I had an experience where I was cheated on, and I gave my ex (different ex) and opportunity. He cheated on my again, so now I just end things since I don't want to put myself through that kind of pain of forgiving and being cheated on again. Should I be more forgiving?
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999tigger
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(Original post by Anonymous)
So I have the mindset that if you cheat once, that is it. I can't give you another chance because you could do it again. My friends have been telling me that in order to form a long lasting relationship, I need to learn to forgive and give another opportunity. But I had an experience where I was cheated on, and I gave my ex (different ex) and opportunity. He cheated on my again, so now I just end things since I don't want to put myself through that kind of pain of forgiving and being cheated on again. Should I be more forgiving?
You wouldnt be asking if you really thought he deserved a second chance.
1. Things will never be the same.
2. He betrayed your trust, which means he was either unhappy or he simply doesnt care or respect you. You need someone who respects you and cares enough not to hurt you. What else does he lie about.
3. Find someone better. Lifes too short.

Block, delete and move on, so you both find someone more suitable.
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londonmyst
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Whether you are willing to offer a second chance is up to you.
Go with your gut.
It is fine if you think that the guy usually makes you happy and believe that relationship still has potential.
It is equally ok if you think that he is a liar, has a habit of having sex with other women and you are not able to trust him any more.

But remember you were not married and he is not an adulterous spouse who has lied his way through the wedding vows then been caught conducting an extramarital affair with another woman.
I have never understood why people consider an unofficial casual relationship to be on par with marriage.
As is they are automatically monogamous with allegations of "cheating" (unwed adultery) when there is no social commitment to exclusivity and no public promise of sexual exclusivity.
Marriage and civil partnerships have this.
Ons, fwb and girlfriend-boyfriend relationships don't.
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Melisaaaa247
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Ditch him legit, man wants to cheat again then it just just shows that man hasnt learnt his lesson the first time
(Original post by Anonymous)
So I have the mindset that if you cheat once, that is it. I can't give you another chance because you could do it again. My friends have been telling me that in order to form a long lasting relationship, I need to learn to forgive and give another opportunity. But I had an experience where I was cheated on, and I gave my ex (different ex) and opportunity. He cheated on my again, so now I just end things since I don't want to put myself through that kind of pain of forgiving and being cheated on again. Should I be more forgiving?
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Anonymous #1
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When you're in a formal relationship, which can lead to a marriage, both people have to show each other that they respect and love one another. From what I'm getting from your response is that it is no big deal if you cheat on your partner if you are not married. I don't believe that is how long lasting relationships are formed, if that is the case, which is it is for many, marriage would be meaningless. So only until one has said their vows, should a person now be faithful? I don't agree with that. If my partner cheats, that shows me that he is not in it seriously and he has no respect for me. If one is not ready for a formal serious relationship, it's best to just stay single and have fun until they find the right person. No need to cheat on the person and make them feel like utter crap.
(Original post by londonmyst)
Whether you are willing to offer a second chance is up to you.
Go with your gut.
It is fine if you think that the guy usually makes you happy and believe that relationship still has potential.
It is equally ok if you think that he is a liar, has a habit of having sex with other women and you are not able to trust him any more.

But remember you were not married and he is not an adulterous spouse who has lied his way through the wedding vows then been caught conducting an extramarital affair with another woman.
I have never understood why people consider an unofficial casual relationship to be on par with marriage.
As is they are automatically monogamous with allegations of "cheating" (unwed adultery) when there is no social commitment to exclusivity and no public promise of sexual exclusivity.
Marriage and civil partnerships have this.
Ons, fwb and girlfriend-boyfriend relationships don't.
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MidgetFever
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It depends on whether you believe in second chances or not.
It is possible that the person truly regrets what they did, but at the same time there's never any guarantee that they won't do it again.
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londonmyst
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(Original post by Anonymous)
When you're in a formal relationship, which can lead to a marriage, both people have to show each other that they respect and love one another. From what I'm getting from your response is that it is no big deal if you cheat on your partner if you are not married. I don't believe that is how long lasting relationships are formed, if that is the case, which is it is for many, marriage would be meaningless. So only until one has said their vows, should a person now be faithful? I don't agree with that. If my partner cheats, that shows me that he is not in it seriously and he has no respect for me. If one is not ready for a formal serious relationship, it's best to just stay single and have fun until they find the right person. No need to cheat on the person and make them feel like utter crap.
I don't expect a guy to commit to sexual exclusivity until he puts a ring on my finger and a marriage certificate in my hand.
You seem to have all the social expectations of a marriage- commitment, faithfulness and exclusivity.
Do you always communicate this to the guys you date to ensure that they understand your expectations and share your attitude?

I don't agree with the widespread attitude that it is "cheating" for a guy with a fwb or casual girlfriend to have sex with multiple women.
The formal relationships are marriage and civil partnerships, where exclusivity is mandatory and it takes a formal process to end the official status (e.g. divorce). Sexual exclusivity and legal exclusivity go hand in hand, so there can be no doubt of the requirements.
Lies and any possible financial cheating are different 'breach of trust' issues.

I walked out on the ex five years ago because he had a secret hobby involving sex workers, violent porn reenactments and std's.
He didn't tell me, I found out from a pair of sex workers
They were worried about my health because they and the ex all had stds.
The ex's outraged"its none of your business" attitude at being found out was almost as vile as the revolting hardcore porn he enjoyed.

But he wasn't "cheating" on me because I wasn't his wife with an official exclusive relationship status and public promise of sexual exclusivity.
He was putting my life at risk, indulging in group sexual antics that disgusted me and spending a fortune on imported extreme porn.
He hadn't lied and had chosen to risk his own life too.
Sexual incompatibility, his inconsiderate behaviour and desire for very sordid sexual thrills doomed the relationship.
I have been single for five years and am happy.
I avoid hardcore "porn guys", that one of my dating deal-breakers.
But I don't expect a date or boyfriend to act like a husband and start "forsaking all other from this day forward".
That takes a proposal, a wedding and a public promise.
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Adz2042
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You have the same mindset as me. Once a cheater, always a cheater.
Stick to your goals. There are millions of guys out there in the world, all different than the ones in your area.
Friends can be good for support, but they do not know you in & out. All you have to do is watch the TV soaps and know how those characters move from one relationship to another and how they break down.

So I have the mindset that if you cheat once, that is it. I can't give you another chance because you could do it again. My friends have been telling me that in order to form a long lasting relationship, I need to learn to forgive and give another opportunity. But I had an experience where I was cheated on, and I gave my ex (different ex) and opportunity. He cheated on my again, so now I just end things since I don't want to put myself through that kind of pain of forgiving and being cheated on again. Should I be more forgiving?
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Ardell
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I mean, they knew the consequences of their actions and weighed that up against having a long term relationship. I guess that person decided that they either didn't care at all or enough for the consequences and therefore chose not to have a long term relationship. If I were you, I wouldn't let someone back into my life if they care so little about consequences. Or atleast that's just my opinion.
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Anonymous #1
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I do let guys know beforehand that I am looking for a serious relationship. That I don't date just to date, I would like it to lead to a formal marriage if we're both on the same page. If they're not, I wish them well and go on about my way. I know things can change within a relationship, but I still think that a person should at least tell you before they do something that will upset the other in the relationship, because that toys with one's self-esteem and makes them wonder what they did wrong. I've seen it happen to too many people around me.

I'm so sorry to hear your story. A person who does that to someone is disgusting and deserves to be left alone wallowing in his s***. I could not imagine being with someone who could do that to me. I'm glad to hear you left the relationship. I do see your perspective on this now with this context. I believe a lot of us women and men want to find that right person who wants that family and formal union with us. So we tend to take our relationships very serious to show we want that union, and we can be a good spouse. Thanks for sharing this.
(Original post by londonmyst)
I don't expect a guy to commit to sexual exclusivity until he puts a ring on my finger and a marriage certificate in my hand.
You seem to have all the social expectations of a marriage- commitment, faithfulness and exclusivity.
Do you always communicate this to the guys you date to ensure that they understand your expectations and share your attitude?

I don't agree with the widespread attitude that it is "cheating" for a guy with a fwb or casual girlfriend to have sex with multiple women.
The formal relationships are marriage and civil partnerships, where exclusivity is mandatory and it takes a formal process to end the official status (e.g. divorce). Sexual exclusivity and legal exclusivity go hand in hand, so there can be no doubt of the requirements.
Lies and any possible financial cheating are different 'breach of trust' issues.

I walked out on the ex five years ago because he had a secret hobby involving sex workers, violent porn reenactments and std's.
He didn't tell me, I found out from a pair of sex workers
They were worried about my health because they and the ex all had stds.
The ex's outraged"its none of your business" attitude at being found out was almost as vile as the revolting hardcore porn he enjoyed.

But he wasn't "cheating" on me because I wasn't his wife with an official exclusive relationship status and public promise of sexual exclusivity.
He was putting my life at risk, indulging in group sexual antics that disgusted me and spending a fortune on imported extreme porn.
He hadn't lied and had chosen to risk his own life too.
Sexual incompatibility, his inconsiderate behaviour and desire for very sordid sexual thrills doomed the relationship.
I have been single for five years and am happy.
I avoid hardcore "porn guys", that one of my dating deal-breakers.
But I don't expect a date or boyfriend to act like a husband and start "forsaking all other from this day forward".
That takes a proposal, a wedding and a public promise.
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mgi
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(Original post by Anonymous)
So I have the mindset that if you cheat once, that is it. I can't give you another chance because you could do it again. My friends have been telling me that in order to form a long lasting relationship, I need to learn to forgive and give another opportunity. But I had an experience where I was cheated on, and I gave my ex (different ex) and opportunity. He cheated on my again, so now I just end things since I don't want to put myself through that kind of pain of forgiving and being cheated on again. Should I be more forgiving?
No your trust has been breached. Let him stay dumped!
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Mrs.Grey
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Your friends are ****, what kind of ******** advice is that? Stick to your mindset and move the hell away from him. Literally I'm FUMING. Being single is better than dealing with emotional turmoil that develops into physical problems bc of a partner's unfaithfulness.
(Original post by Anonymous)
So I have the mindset that if you cheat once, that is it. I can't give you another chance because you could do it again. My friends have been telling me that in order to form a long lasting relationship, I need to learn to forgive and give another opportunity. But I had an experience where I was cheated on, and I gave my ex (different ex) and opportunity. He cheated on my again, so now I just end things since I don't want to put myself through that kind of pain of forgiving and being cheated on again. Should I be more forgiving?
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angelike1
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Tbh its up to you - either option is ok imo
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S.Toner
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(Original post by Anonymous)
So I have the mindset that if you cheat once, that is it. I can't give you another chance because you could do it again. My friends have been telling me that in order to form a long lasting relationship, I need to learn to forgive and give another opportunity. But I had an experience where I was cheated on, and I gave my ex (different ex) and opportunity. He cheated on my again, so now I just end things since I don't want to put myself through that kind of pain of forgiving and being cheated on again. Should I be more forgiving?
When I was 17 I cheated on my gf I felt like a total ******** for it lied about it tried to cover up real scummy thing to do but I was given a second chance we are now 7 years married and have 2 daughters together and I have never cheated again and never would when we got back together tho I gave all rights to my phone computer any accounts of anything to her to be able to check through it wasn't a nice feeling but neither is being cheated on so I deserved it and now she doesn't worry about if I might not might not cheat she knows I won't sorry for the ramble and bad punctuation just not enough to do anything about it haha hope this helped
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Ektha
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S.Toner
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Hi
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