Am i a crazy jealous girlfriend

SORRY FOR ALL THE WRITING..

Broke up with my boyfriend last week because of all sorts of reasons, but starting to think it ALL revolved around how jealous/insecure i am.

First off i have horrible self esteem always have, tried hard to rebuild it, was going well, but this relationship it has crippled again. I was a virgin by choice when we met, waiting for someone I really love. Had sex, no regrets, wanted him for life and he wanted to marry me. But his ex was a stripper, she is dead now but i STILL feel like he might fantasise about her, or compare our bodies and her sexual confidence which was OFC high while i was just a virgin still learning (at 21). he has had quite a lot of sex and some great flings that he has fond memories of. He kissed a girl around 10 years ago (he's 32) who is now friends with him still and he goes to her parties.

Crazy jealous. I have a big problem with any previous hookups still hanging around even if it's in his friendship group. He has been totally loyal and committed as he's been waiting for the right person. but a lot of girls, friends even, like him and try to flirt sometimes or pursue him. He once went out for dinner with a girl he knew likes him, even though they're friends otherwise. apparently she tried to touch his arm. Just his arm but when i heard this i blew up on him until he cried, hard.

He chose me and proposed, but i said no out of fear for feeling these threats over and over again. Truth is his past still bothers me a lot, and hes done a lot of drugs (not addict tho, just for fun) and i dont disagree with it that much (apart from life ruiners like heroine & coke) but haven't tried much myself so feel left out and like he brushes me aside for being inexperienced and conservative.
but everything feels like a threat to my self esteem, like im never good enough.

Broke up with him saying he has been too promiscuous for me, he has no morals etc. I've been horrible i know. im so confused. I come from a very conservative family who I have always fought and clashed with for being liberal. So i dont think im too conservative for him it's just jealousy. Fear, instilled i guess by my family shaming me, my sexuality, my behaviour, clothes, even the way i think and my words and everything.

But we have the most amazing mental and emotional connection, he is trying to get back because he thinks we're made for each other. Even though i walked away i know i'll never find love like this. I have many other ways i need to rebuild my self esteem.

Does it sound like i'm the main problem or would that make any of u girls feel not good enough?

+1 using paragraphs. It meant I read it.

You , him or the relationship?

1. Relationship- You dont say much about it, although it sounds to have lasted a bit.
2. Him- We dont know much about him, although it seems to be his past you dont like. You have to have trust.
3. You- Clearly you haver a lot of issues and they make you unhappy plus they also affect your behaviour in the relationship. I dont know if they were the only cause, but you have been honest enough to tell us how you feel. It is also quite good you have some self awareness about this.

You have realised you arent quite right/ ill. The thing with mh issues is you can always trust yourself as to what you think or how you think is quite normal or within the healthy spectrum.

Unless you deal with it, then it will infect and undermine your relationship because it will always be there.
You need to work on yourself to like yourself and not care about others.

Someone with self esteem will also have confidence and more trust. They wont feel threatened about what someone else does, realise they cant change someones past and be happy to trust them, knowing they can deal with the alternatives. Having confidence means you wont feel threatened by these other people, know you like yourself and just being more relaxed.

You do the self esteem thing for yourself and not the relationship.
I'm amazed he hasnt spotted it and wanted to support ned get it sorted for you.
You need some sort of therapy to work out these issues , stand on your own feet and not feel so threatened or insecure about outside forces.

I would tell him you have to sort some stuff out for yourself and need a time out. I would suggest cutting contact and focusing on you otherwise he will get in the way. If you sort yourself out then you will see things clearly and can decide whether to go back. You may have to cut him free and let him have other relationships.

If you get all the things under control you will be happier, less insecure, more confident, more capable and much more of an equal in the relationship. How long? Didnt happen over night, but fastest I think you could make real progress would be a year or two. That is a year or two for you to confront these things, accept and then alter your behaviours and responses. If you dont deal with it, then it will just make you unhappy destroy this one and future ones as well.


Plenty of self help books on this as well.
https://www.nhs.uk/conditions/stress-anxiety-depression/raising-low-self-esteem/
https://www.2knowmyself.com/Dealing_with_jealousy/overcoming_jealousy_relationships_career_work

.......

Thank you for the reply. It has lasted over a year and a half, although it took me at least 3 months to call him my boyfriend due to my fear, and around 6 months to fully commit. I have always thought he was 'the one' though, and grappled with my fear as i didn't want to lose him.

His ex took her own life, he is no stranger to mental health, we have discussed my depression etc but i'm ashamed about the jealousy/insecurity that i've always disguised it as other things. I already have insecurities about his attraction to me, mentioning jealousy just reaffirms a gross lack of confidence , even if he cares for me he will start to find confident girls much sexier, especially when they flirt with him he might get aroused and think why can't my gf make me feel this way.

To feel better i have imagined dating other guys and having a nice time where i leave feeling more confident. Someone on another thread said i'm a 'red flag' for thinking this and my boyfriend will find someone better. (I would never cheat though of course. it's a thought out of bitterness/resentment).

Which just triggers a whole new mountain of emotion now i feel absolutely horrible

- starting to think it ALL revolved around how jealous/insecure i am.

If you're thinking it, then that's usually the first big sign that it's you, not him.

- i have horrible self esteem

Very big contributing factor to being jealous/insecure

- he might fantasise about her, or compare our bodies and her sexual confidence

Might is a big word there - you have no evidence to support that. It's your self esteem issues making you feel that way.

- He has been totally loyal and committed [...] try to flirt sometimes or pursue him

He's loyal and committed, he's not taking them up on their offers/attempts. They may 'try' but they don't succeed.

- Just his arm but when i heard this i blew up on him until he cried

That's not a normal, healthy reaction and I think you know that.

- Truth is his past still bothers me a lot

You should focus on the present, not the past. It's who he is now, not what he was, that's important.

This is definitely an issue with you, not him.

I recommend getting in touch with a therapist to work through your own issues before starting a new relationship. I've been having issues in my own relationship, but I know they're my own issues, not his. So I've taken the step to help myself in order to help us and our relationship. It's a good and mature thing to do for the sake of your relationship.

- he might fantasise about her, or compare our bodies and her sexual confidence


Might is a big word there - you have no evidence to support that. It's your self esteem issues making you feel that way.

Actually he had nude printed photos of her in his drawer (yes i snooped) even though she is dead. They had other normal pictures together too so there's the chance it's just in the mementos pile. But I found it totally inappropriate they were still there after committing to me. I had a breakdown it was so hurtful to see them. He said he never looks at them they've been there for years but still didn't get rid of them till months after. And he didn't just throw them away, he had to do a whole fire burning ritual to honour her memory (fair enough, he had loved her and musn't disrespect dead) but it just hurt that it means so much to him still.

I can't afford a therapist and the public services have no availability for me for months. I broke up with him, convincing him i need to move on and explore life. He accepted, but he has friends and girls ho like him, a good job and money for adventures so he will move on. I am stuck here wanting to die and thinking i have spited myself claiming to 'move on to other things' when i'm in a deeper black hole than when i was with him. really need his support now but look so bad crawling back..

Did you pay attention to anything else I mentioned? Keeping the photos for a while is a bit odd, I agree, but it seems that's one thing that happened with evidence.

Same here, I have to wait months for a therapist, but actually applying and eventually giving it a go is better than not doing anything and ruining subsequent relationships that might've worked. You can't control a guy's past or the actions of others. You can only control your own reactions to events in life.

Sorry you feel this way, but if you get better in the relationship it wont be as strong or permanent as doing it on your own for yourself. You have to put yourself out there to realise you are likeable, the most important person n the world likes you and you can cope with whatever life throws at you. It is about you and how you regard and deal with yourself, not how he treats you. He sounds ok. Its better for both of you if you are stronger and independent.

If he finds someone else, then you werent the right person anyway and if you feel he isnt right when you have made yourself whole again, then you will realise you arent right for each other. Based on what you describe part of the relationship sounds good, but even then these events are making you miserable. It is more how you feel about yourself. If you cant trust him, then how are you ever going to be happy? You are doing a good job admitting to them, Have some faith you can change.