I hate my ‘best friend’

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S0ph3_
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Okay so this friend has depression and self harms and stuff and I can’t handle being her friend knowing what she does. That’s not the only reason I hate her because she does other things like ***** about me behind my back, judges every little thing I do, always tries to put me down, and generally makes me feel ****. She’s also very possessive and controlling and makes me feel like I can’t even talk to other people. She’s getting so hard to cope with now because she shows that she’s not happy and when you ask if she’s okay she says yes and she’s so aggressive that if you push her on it to get the truth she just gets angry. I don’t want to be her friend anymore but we have a small friendship group and I don’t want to ruin it for the others because they don’t all feel the same as me. What do I do? And am I a horrible person because my main reason for hating her is knowing that she self harms?
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Anonymous #1
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I don't think that's a good reason personally.Self harm is a very complex topic and not very well understood by others.You said you hate her because she judges you about little things,yet you're judging her because she self harms?
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Anonymous #2
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(Original post by S0ph3_)
Okay so this friend has depression and self harms and stuff and I can’t handle being her friend knowing what she does. That’s not the only reason I hate her because she does other things like ***** about me behind my back, judges every little thing I do, always tries to put me down, and generally makes me feel ****. She’s also very possessive and controlling and makes me feel like I can’t even talk to other people. She’s getting so hard to cope with now because she shows that she’s not happy and when you ask if she’s okay she says yes and she’s so aggressive that if you push her on it to get the truth she just gets angry. I don’t want to be her friend anymore but we have a small friendship group and I don’t want to ruin it for the others because they don’t all feel the same as me. What do I do? And am I a horrible person because my main reason for hating her is knowing that she self harms?
Your friends probably feel the same way but don’t want to admit it OR you best friend happens to be selectively b!tc#y to you for some reason. Both are possible.
If you want to escape this toxicity, do one of the two things- go no contact OR be a grey rock.
Search up how to deal with toxic people on the internet or on YouTube. It’ll be greatly helpful I promise. While searching it up, you might even find a label for your bestie (e.g. narc....) .
Know that you have tried to care and help her, if she does not want to improve, there is only so much that you can do for anyone. Don’t be so harsh on yourself, I’m sending virtual hugs your way. If you were a bad person then you would not writing a whole paragraph concerning about her and your situation. It means you value your relationship with her but it is just not working out. Know that very few friendships last solely because only one party is willing to on it while the other ruins. You don’t need to be giving your all in a relationship and get nothing back but abuse from it.
Don’t overthink. Go grey rock if you can’t avoid her totally. Search up grey rock, practise it, dont let anyone know you are doing it, you will not be disappointed when you are over your friendship totally.
Know that you have to heal from this unfortunate friendship breakup, it can be harsh especially when you worked hard on it. But we have to know a life- to let things go when they are not going to take our help to improve.
You cannot burn yourself to keep others warm. Especially if they are not willing to take your help.
Slowly and steadily be a grey rock to that person, no Matter how much they bully you or tell everyone what a b!tc# you are. You have to do what is good for you or else you shall end up being tormented upon.
Whatever I have said is very difficult to pull off. Once you go grey rock on the toxic person, you shall be called names, people will continue b!tc#ing about you, you might feel lonely. But all of this is to break yourself off from the toxicity or else you might end up thinking one day that it was your fault that your friend self harmed.
If you take my advice and pull it off no matter what- it will benefit you in the long run. Be aware that there may be short term problems but it will all be worth getting rid of toxicity forever.
If you go no contact, it’s going to be unrealistic as you might have to meet her in real life. Don’t stay with toxic people or you might turn into one yourself by absorbing all the negative energy.
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bones-mccoy
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Your aversion to her self harm is undoubtedly borne out of ignorance. Do some research and educate yourself before judging her, you don't know the reasons why she engages in that kind of behaviour - self harm is a very complex topic with no easy answers.

It can be very difficult being friends with someone who is mentally ill and SHs, I lost a lot of friends when I was ill because I lashed out and pushed other people away - I didn't think I deserved friends or help or any kind of support. My belief was that these people are all going to give up and leave me anyway so I may as well push them away now rather than waiting for it to happen. I'm not defending your friend's behaviour or giving her any excuses but more of an explanation, her possessiveness may be due to her having such little self-esteem that she believes her friends don't actually like her and she worries you prefer other people to her, you're going to leave her for them etc. *****ing about you and judging you aren't okay, though - did she have these traits before she became unwell??

It's very easy to throw around words like "toxic" but this is the grim reality of those with mental illness. Sometimes we are not pleasant to be around, we can be hard to deal with and feel like everything anyone says is wrong or a criticism. We push people away, push people too far, say things we regret and ruin friendships. A lot of the time this behaviour isn't borne out of deliberately being malicious or cruel, obviously those with mental illness need to be held accountable for their actions, but a little bit of empathy goes a long way. I would really address why you dislike her so much if it's mainly because she self harms. If it was because of her behaviour towards you then fair enough but hating someone because they use an unconventional coping mechanism is a bit of a stretch.
Last edited by bones-mccoy; 1 year ago
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Anonymous #3
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She sounds awful, just try distancing yourself from her and not talking if she tries to come near you. And to everyone saying we should pity her because she self harms, I’ve struggled with self harm myself, and although she probably has mental issues that need to be resolved, it’s not right for her to butch about OP. Self harming people are still people, and they’re very aware of what they’re doing. You don’t have to destroy her, just stop being her friend. It’s not your responsibility to sort out her mental issues.
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