Could someone mark this creative writing? (AQA GCSE English Lit)

I would be grateful if anyone gave me a mark out of 40, what I did wrong and what I did well. Please give me your most honest critiques and tips.
I would also like to know if I used the semi colons and dialogues correctly, thank you to whoever spends the time on this!!!

The picture given is of a hot air balloon.

The susurration of the cerulean stream subtly engulfed the whisperings of the wind, though the harshest sounds came from the soaring fires that fuelled the gluttonous balloon. Plump like an oozing, succulent apple, bitten with generous mouthfuls; the juice dribbling down the human face. The gentle winds, as if this was their only form of revenge, controlled Lucy's strands of hair; making them flicker and slap her cheeks until they reddened with elated crimson. Her thin eyebrows furrowed at the sight of her tangled, golden bunch - deprived from any form of liberation.

"Great," she huffed, "should have tied it."

Concentrated, she fiddled with crowns of pure, white daisies. Jovial honey floral discs, placid emerald green stems: they all flashed wrinkled smiles at her. "Never liked these..." her eyes twitched a little. They looked exactly like father's flowers...the exact same. The same stroke, the same colours, the same vibe they radiated by appearing to be - in father's words - 'sweet and innocent' flowers with the 'purest, white smiles'. They were always orphaned after a few days, though still proudly stood on father's working desk; sometimes showered with attention, calling them 'lucky charms'.

Lies.

She threw her head back, smashing her skull against the wooden rim, grunting. A toxic, surging poison slithered inside her as if a flame was quietly ignited. Cracklings of fireworks sizzled in her heart. If these organs were to be made out of bones, they would have the most painful fractures, with the most tweaking joints and sullen cries. Half-stifled sobs were finally vocalised from Lucy's repressed state. She tilted her saturated face up at the hot air balloon. The fires were still soaring as if they were unbothered to hear her trembling weeping.

Sliding her whole body to sit, she glanced back at the daisies. "Was there not enough room for you to get on? You liar," she spoke bitterly. "Did you think I were to figure everything out by myself?" She huffed again, leaving the matter.

The day was coming to an end; the darkness encapsulating the mourning sun. It seemed at that point that this ball of flame had more tears to spend for this man than the girl for the rest of the journey.

The soft trickle of the cold stream subtly masked the whispering of the wind, although the harshest sounds came from the soaring fires that fuelled the gluttonous balloon. It was plump, like a fat apple bitten with generous mouthfuls, the juice dribbling down its glistening flanks. The gentle winds, as if this was their only form of revenge, controlled Lucy's blond hair, making the long strands flicker and slap her cheeks until they reddened. Her thin eyebrows furrowed as her own hair attacked her: punishment for her darker thoughts.

"Great," she huffed. "Should have tied it."

I think that this writing is of a high quality. Your imagery, supported by most of your vocabulary choices, is compelling and convincing. The personification of the balloon as hungry and selfish is consciously crafted and the girl's internal struggle is well presented. Don't be too wordy: the opening line was more confusing than clear. 'Susurration' and 'cerulean' are ambitious words, certainly; however, they don't progress the narrative here. Sometimes, less is more.

You're certainly in level 4 for AO5. I'd award 20/24. For AO6, level 4 again. You don't quite manage to get the semi colons right. Use them to replace a 'because' or in a transitional phrase. I'd award 13/16 for AO6: perfect spelling, ambitious vocabulary (which you get credit for twice) and some interesting structural decisions.

Here's a sentence with an effective semi colon:

The fires still roared; they were unmoved by her tears.

You've obviously got a lot of ability so I'm sure you'll do well next week.

Oh my God, thank you for spending time on this! I'm very, very grateful!
To make it clear for a semi colon - by transitional phrases, do you also mean connectives such as 'but', 'if', 'whereas'? I was never taught how to use a semicolon or colons, I had to somehow manage that myself, which is quite tricky. I've been told by the internet that you use semicolons with two independent clauses, and for commas an independent clause and then a dependent.
E.g.: (semicolon) - "Her hair was ruffled; the wind blew it harshly."
so for here I meant "her hair was ruffled because the wind blew it harshly". Could it also be like this:
"the boy sat down; he was hungry" - does that make sense? Does it need to have a connection? Because the connective for this would be 'but' - "the boy sat down, and he was hungry"

I also noticed that you used "Her thin eyebrows furrowed as her own hair attacked her: punishment for her darker thoughts." - you used a colon instead of a semicolon, why is that?

Thank you once again! xx

Hi.

Yes, you have used the semi colon correctly in both examples that you've cited:

'Her hair was ruffled; the wind blew it harshly.'

'The boy sat down; he was hungry.'

I didn't read the second one as a 'but' connective replacement; I interpreted it as 'because'. The boy sat down (at the table) because he was hungry. If you wanted imply he was forced to sit down despite his hunger, suggested by 'but', then you'd have to make that more obvious in your sentence.

The colon I used in the 'punishment' sentence was more appropriate than a semi colon because there was no implied connective. The punishment phrase offered more detail about the hair. Here's another example in the same vein:

'She smashed the winning penalty past the helpless goalkeeper: it ripped the net from the ground and sent the mooring pegs tumbling.'

Transitional phrase like 'however' or 'on the other hand' should be introduced by a semi colon and followed by a comma. Here's an example:

'Many left leaning politicians support free school meals for all children; however, this policy isn't favoured by senior members of the Conservative party.'

Here's another example:

'We looked at the shimmering pool and were tempted to plunge in; on the other hand, we had to be wary of the currents that could lurk beneath the surface.'

Hope this is straightforward.