Sad despite achieving my med school dreams.

Hello everyone,

I’m writing this to partially vent my frustration.
I’m a 19 year old medical student who recently finished first year at his dream university. My love for this degree really deepened throughout this past year, and I really cannot see myself doing anything else. I’ve met amazing friends, became honest with myself, and am in a great relationship. Essentially, I ticked all the boxes my past self from a year ago wanted to accomplish.

Despite all this, I am utterly miserable as of recent. And I start to hate myself because of this. I got quite good at masking it, but my family and close friends started to notice that I’ve been changing. Eating less, sleeping a lot (not because I’m tired, but can’t be bothered to stay awake), things like that.
But I always dismiss it, because I feel absolutely pathetic knowing there’s NOTHING making me sad. I enjoy my course, my family is doing well, I’ve got a great support system... and I even got a great summer job lined up which will allow me to travel for the second half of the break.
Yet I can’t help but feel worthless and disgusted when I see myself in the mirror. It’s almost like I hate what I’ve become, and the fact I’m upset despite having all I could ask for.

What am I doing wrong? Do I approach my college about this? Or a supervisor? I just don’t know what id say since nothing is wrong. I feel like I’m pushing my boyfriend and all my friends away, making this whole self-hatred cycle continue.

I really could use your advice. Thank you.

You don't need a reason or trigger to suffer from depression. I think your GP is the first port of call here.

The bits in bold make me think you should talk to your GP. If you find that the way you're feeling is affecting your work and studies then I'd talk to your supervsior too.

I don't think you're doing anything wrong. It is possible to feel low without there being an explicit cause or trigger for it.

Agreed with the above, you should see your GP, you may be depressed. Don't brush it off because you don't have a 'reason'. Depression by definition is not logical, and if it is affecting you that is enough of a reason to seek help

Another thing to consider is all universities have student services where you can talk to counsellors etc. I would recommend booking in to talk about how you've been feeling. It can make a big difference talking to someone impartial so you can really talk openly and you don't have to worry about burdening them or hiding etc because it is literally their job to listen to you

I am talking as someone who was horribly depressed through parts of medical school for 'no reason', didn't seek help, and sincerely wish I had. You're definitely not alone in feeling this way

Thank you for your answers. They really do mean a lot.
I forgot to mention, but I am seeing my GP about this very soon. In a way I’m scared of getting the label of being “depressed”. I feel an immense amount of guilt, and talking to my boyfriend today didn’t help. He’s worried it’s his fault and it breaks my heart thinking about it.

It’s exam season for everyone and I don’t wanna burden anyone. Just afraid of speaking up after all exams are done might seem dodgy to my uni. I just hope it doesn’t get to the antidepressants stage. No one in my family was ever treated for depression (from what I know). Wish I could snap out of it, but that probably can’t happen.

Kind of needed to hear it’s possible to feel this way without having a reason, even if I kinda knew it deep down. Thank you,

I mean, if you think that the way you're feeling may impact your exam results and performance then yes, you should talk to your educational supervisor before you sit your exams.

It's good that you've already taken the first step and made an appointment to see your GP. I would second the suggestion of talking to your uni's counselling service too.

Did you go to see your GP?
Your Unit should have a student support system that you can access.
BMA offers free and confidential telephone counselling and peer support service.

The sooner you take the positive step to get yourself some help the sooner you will start on the path to feeling better.

Allow yourself to feel how you feel. Happiness doesn’t necessarily come with success and nothing is prescriptive. Put the feelings of guilt in the bin because you’re entitled to feel how you feel and that’s OK.

There have been a lot of changes in your life and it could just be that you’re feeling overwhelmed. You might be worrying about the future and everything that could happen etc. Have you thought about meditation?

I used to sleep a lot when I was depressed. I didn’t really drink, so sleep was my ‘drug’. I suppose it’s an escape. I hope you have a good GP. You can always request to see someone else if you don’t click with them. Keep talking about how you feel. Remember that you’re worthy, regardless of who is around you or what you’re doing. You matter.

A bit late to the thread. Hope you've seen your GP and able to get some advice / management for it. Don't be overly worried about being seen as a fraud if you know you are not / did not have any intention to.

It doesn't matter that you're the first in the family being treated for depression (if it is). You know the saying 'there's a first time for everything'? Unfortunately that also works for negative things, but that doesn't mean you should stop getting help for it. In fact, maybe others have struggled with it in the past but did not seek treatment due to fear / stigma / whatever else. So in a way, it's actually good that you recognise you have this potential problem and are taking steps to try to work it out.

All the best.

Yes thyroid disorders may sometimes affect one's energy levels and mood. So it's good to rule that out.

What exactly are you hesitant about, if you don't mind elaborating further? It is understandable for your family to be 'devastated', but I think that's where it's up to you to try your best to let them know that this was not because of anything they have done, hence it's not their fault. Why do you feel ungrateful and dissatisfied? Could this simply be a manifestation of your depression?

I think it is normal at first to feel at a loss, after all this is quite significant news for you to process. If you don't mind my clarifying, when you say you're 'now out of uni', do you mean you're done with the year, or you have taken a year's break? You said you underperformed but was it enough to progress to the next year?

Any reason why you don't want antidepressants? It's probably worth discussing this with your GP, especially if your reasons may be due to certain unfounded fears or impressions. I think given your boyfriend's familiarity with depression, he may be able to help you.

Again, I think the answer to your last question should be discussed with your GP, or any other concerns you may have about it. Have you also thought of getting CBT or other forms of therapy? They may be able to do the job, then you can do without the antidepressants (if possible).

I agree with above. Sounds a lot like depression and you should keep talking to your GP and uni counsellors. At least you have their support and your uni seem to be understanding about it. I had nothing like that when I was struggling - the staff in my department were pretty rude and showed some really disgusting behaviour towards me while the uni counselling service turned me away many times.

Why are you reluctant to take anti-depressants? There’s no shame in taking medication for your own health. Have to put your own health first before you can succeed in a caring profession like Medicine. I find that medical students are often the least prepared to accept and deal with their own mental health problems or struggling with work. Gotta remember that you’re human more than you’re a medical student - if you’re struggling, take some time out to recharge and slow down your pace of work.

Having said that, I can sympathise with the fact that uni itself - the city, the campus, the lifestyle, the activities, the people around you - can all contribute to you feeling down. Maybe you’re not as happy in this place as you think you are. For me, the euphoria of getting in to medical school was over within a couple of weeks of starting. Moving to a smaller city with less to do, bad weather and even worse people, made me miserable very quickly. The extra-curriculars I was dedicated to pursuing were run by attention junkies who never took my contributions on board and would sideline me at every opportunity. I had to quit my outside interests cos I was so annoyed that it would spoil my enjoyment. I used all this as motivation to focus entirely on my studies, but working so hard just to scrape a pass in most exams and being told consistently in lectures and classes that I’m not good enough to study Medicine, became very frustrating. You don’t realise at the time but medical school can be a very toxic environment depending on the uni you attend. Some like mine are horrific whereas others (where I’ve sat in a few lectures with friends at other med schools) are super supportive and full of kind people, both staff and students. I thought I was happy where I was, I really enjoyed the things I was studying and going on placements. But now I look back and I compare my experiences to friends I’ve made at other medical schools, I can see I was well and truly miserable living in such a **** place with **** people who I used to call my friends. If I was you I would consider that your struggles with low mood, lack of energy and motivation etc could be a product of your environment and not you personally.

Hello everyone,

apologies for my delayed reply. I have seen my GP a few times since and was told I have all the symptoms of moderate clinical depression. My blood tests came back ok, and my thyroid isn't behind the issue (as it apparently may sometimes be the case?). I was told that initial therapy and addition of antidepressants would greatly improve my mood, but I am very hesitant. My family would be devastated to find out and think it's their fault. I feel very ungrateful for my opportunities and how I somehow am not satisfied with what I have.

I'm at a total loss, the diagnosis almost haunts me. I am now out of uni, and have talked to one of my supervisors who was quite helpful. He believes it's normal "for a young guy in a stressful environment to feel down" and said I can talk to him whenever I want. So that line of communication has thankfully been established. My exams went ok; I underperformed but it was the best I could've hoped for considering my circumstances. And it was too late for an appeal anyway.

Worst part is, I know it's affecting my relationships with others. And I want help... but somehow I don't want antidepressants? Does that make any sense? It's f*cking terrifying. My boyfriend is also a fellow medic and has a family history of depression, so he's been trying to be helpful but I don't want to drag him into this either.

Is it wise to try out antidepressants over summer where my academia won't be affected as much?

I don't know, the fact I won't exactly be myself? I am literally using chemicals to "fix" my thoughts. It's a scary thing. I don't want to become more apathetic.
I feel ungrateful because I got into the university of my CHILDHOOD dreams for my *dream* degree, and despite everything going perfectly I am still a sad sod. It's disgusting. It's spiralling towards self-hatred if I'm honest.

I have finished first year, and I have written my exams well enough in order to proceed to 2nd year. So thankfully that is not an issue. I also do not want to take a year off, it'd just... mess me up a lot?

I guess I can't pinpoint exactly why I don't want them, other than the "control" thing. I hate being out of control, and antidepressants would technically give me control back over my feelings, but it wouldn't be coming "intrinsically" from myself. So hence why I'm so hesitant. My boyfriend's lovely, but he's already gone through a lot with me. My coming out + his patience around everything to do with me finding myself... I feel bad dragging him in further.

Definitely want to look at alternatives. CBD being one of them. thank you



I kinda answered why I can't get over the idea of anti depression in the answer above, but yeah. Loss of control. Loss of emotions (possibly). And (this might sound stupid as a 19 year old), but... loss of libido?

See, I thought maybe the place was too rigorous, that the stereotypical private school kid vibe will scare me off. But all the people met (well, most of them) are lovely! They're very supportive but they also have their own s*hit they're dealing with, and I prefer to listen to others and help them rather than help myself.
I love the rigorous structure, the supervisions, the workload... it's hard but it's fun. Even my college is great and I have a beautiful room (though I guess that'll change after summer). It's not the typical course structure I suppose, since I have had no patient contact yet, but I knew that when signing up to this university. So the place isn't as much of an issue. And I'm not that far away from home either, 2-3 hours tops. Only thing that's overwhelming is that everyone's "perfect" to the public eye. Reading a 600page novel in a day? Nothing special anymore here. Speaking multiple languages? Basically taken for granted. Perhaps adjusting to being "Average" is taking a toll? But that makes me seem incredibly narcissistic, and I wouldn't consider myself that...

Yeah, I'm kinda lost.