how to overcome retroactive anxiety with my girlfriend Watch

Anonymous #1
#1
Report Thread starter 8 months ago
#1
Hi, i've been with my girlfriend for 3 months, i love her to bits and she means a lot, yeh i know it's 3 months but i don't care what i feel is what i feel.
Anyway after the 1st month she as a joke mentioned something about her past and wouldn't say it because we where in that 'moment' and i told her to just say now she mentioned it so she tells me and it fully hits me like a truck and for those who don't know what retroactive anxiety is, it's when u worry about ones past relationship either in a sexual or emotional way. Personally after finding it out although mostly it's okay things j trigger it in my brain and just makes me feel sick, angry, nauseous.
Anyway for a while after that it was okay until at her party one of her mates called me by her ex's name and then it really just hit me and i keep thinking i have to compare myself to this 'guy' which i know im better than like theres nothing to say it's not and my girlfriend reassured me since i j left after being called that stupidly and like after that it was fine but its all short-term ways of getting over it. Yesterday it j hit me when we were 'at it' and i j went into this bad state and really upset her because she said it gave her flashbacks to how her last relationship ended and like she was like because it's you it means so much more. i don't know if it';s the finding out part that made my cry or just out of happiness, anyway that day ended well but i felt a lot of it was forced during the end or im overthinking.
Anyway i know this is going to come back and i really want to know how to help it because i feel like this is really going to take a toll to my relationship at one point.
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999tigger
Badges: 19
#2
Report 8 months ago
#2
(Original post by Anonymous)
Hi, i've been with my girlfriend for 3 months, i love her to bits and she means a lot, yeh i know it's 3 months but i don't care what i feel is what i feel.
Anyway after the 1st month she as a joke mentioned something about her past and wouldn't say it because we where in that 'moment' and i told her to just say now she mentioned it so she tells me and it fully hits me like a truck and for those who don't know what retroactive anxiety is, it's when u worry about ones past relationship either in a sexual or emotional way. Personally after finding it out although mostly it's okay things j trigger it in my brain and just makes me feel sick, angry, nauseous.
Anyway for a while after that it was okay until at her party one of her mates called me by her ex's name and then it really just hit me and i keep thinking i have to compare myself to this 'guy' which i know im better than like theres nothing to say it's not and my girlfriend reassured me since i j left after being called that stupidly and like after that it was fine but its all short-term ways of getting over it. Yesterday it j hit me when we were 'at it' and i j went into this bad state and really upset her because she said it gave her flashbacks to how her last relationship ended and like she was like because it's you it means so much more. i don't know if it';s the finding out part that made my cry or just out of happiness, anyway that day ended well but i felt a lot of it was forced during the end or im overthinking.
Anyway i know this is going to come back and i really want to know how to help it because i feel like this is really going to take a toll to my relationship at one point.
It all sounds very confusing and you really havent told us what it is.

Just chill. It has obviously made you feel insecure, but I cant see for what reason?

She is with you now and that is past?
She hasnt given you any reason to doubt her?
You are happy in the moment.
You cant change what happened?
By overthinking and being insecure it affects your relationship with her, because it will make her feel awkward about something she cant and shouldnt feel the need to do anything about. Everyone has a past accept it or do not. If you cant just leave it there, then it will get annoying and damage your relationship.
Stop comparing yourself to others. He is an ex. All you are doing is making yourself out to be very insecure and that will drive people nutz, since it will feel like you are draining and make them feel awkward for having a past. That isnt a fun person to be with.

Normal get some help with anxiety or self esteem issues. Just google it there are lots of anxiety charities. Self esteem training would increase how you feel about yourself and make you a bit more confident. You wouldnt worry as much about an ex plus realise you have no need to compare.
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kungfusaini
Badges: 9
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#3
Report 8 months ago
#3
Dude, I have been in the exact same position as you. It took me ages to realize that it has nothing to do with her and everything to do with me. I was not ready for a relationship. I didn't have good self-esteem at all. We broke up for other reason but that gave me time to improve myself. Now I have a great GF and I couldn't be happier. I feel great about myself now, but it takes effort to realize you need to fix up and sort out your issues until you are ready to be in a healthy relationship.
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Anonymous #1
#4
Report Thread starter 8 months ago
#4
(Original post by 999tigger)
It all sounds very confusing and you really havent told us what it is.

Just chill. It has obviously made you feel insecure, but I cant see for what reason?

She is with you now and that is past?
She hasnt given you any reason to doubt her?
You are happy in the moment.
You cant change what happened?
By overthinking and being insecure it affects your relationship with her, because it will make her feel awkward about something she cant and shouldnt feel the need to do anything about. Everyone has a past accept it or do not. If you cant just leave it there, then it will get annoying and damage your relationship.
Stop comparing yourself to others. He is an ex. All you are doing is making yourself out to be very insecure and that will drive people nutz, since it will feel like you are draining and make them feel awkward for having a past. That isnt a fun person to be with.

Normal get some help with anxiety or self esteem issues. Just google it there are lots of anxiety charities. Self esteem training would increase how you feel about yourself and make you a bit more confident. You wouldnt worry as much about an ex plus realise you have no need to compare.
i literally know im better, but like when im with her sometimes just something triggers thoughts of of her being with her ex, like is frustrating like im not insecure that she'll leave me its like shes cheating right in front of me when i clearly know she wont and wouldnt like im tryingto work on it
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Anonymous #1
#5
Report Thread starter 8 months ago
#5
(Original post by kungfusaini)
Dude, I have been in the exact same position as you. It took me ages to realize that it has nothing to do with her and everything to do with me. I was not ready for a relationship. I didn't have good self-esteem at all. We broke up for other reason but that gave me time to improve myself. Now I have a great GF and I couldn't be happier. I feel great about myself now, but it takes effort to realize you need to fix up and sort out your issues until you are ready to be in a healthy relationship.
i've been in relationships before her and honestly i've done worst and im really lucky to be with her and there are times when she thinks she's punching, like im not scared to be with her it's j when these moments happen i get really distant and it makes her really upset and worries it's to do with her and i really dont want her to get fed up.
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kungfusaini
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#6
Report 8 months ago
#6
(Original post by Anonymous)
i've been in relationships before her and honestly i've done worst and im really lucky to be with her and there are times when she thinks she's punching, like im not scared to be with her it's j when these moments happen i get really distant and it makes her really upset and worries it's to do with her and i really dont want her to get fed up.
Again dude, its all about feeling good about yourself. If you don't work on improving yourself, it will really strain the relationship to a point where it will be horrible for both of you, trust me. It has only been three months and if these kinds of issues are already presenting themselves to you, you need to act before if you are serious about her. Talk to her about this, be fully honest and tell her exactly how you feel. Communication is key. Self-help books, meditation, therapy and just cleaning up my act in general really helped me improve my self-esteem, and I'm sure you could benefit from them. Don't just do this for yourself, but do it for her too. It'll strengthen the relationship and you as an individual. After beating my issues, I mentor people for free on this kind of stuff, so if you need any advice, drop me a PM and I'll be more than happy to help!
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Dunnig Kruger
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#7
Report 8 months ago
#7
(Original post by Anonymous)
i literally know im better, but like when im with her sometimes just something triggers thoughts of of her being with her ex, like is frustrating like im not insecure that she'll leave me its like shes cheating right in front of me when i clearly know she wont and wouldnt like im tryingto work on it
Are you able to articulate what you think about when you think about her once being with her ex?

The only time I think about my girlfriend being with her exes is when it comes up in conversation.
Whenever this happens it's apparent that they were hopeless boyfriends. Which is great for me. As I can be far from perfect and still be good enough for her to be very happy that she's with me now.

Was your girlfriend's ex a hopeless boyfriend?
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999tigger
Badges: 19
#8
Report 8 months ago
#8
(Original post by Anonymous)
i literally know im better, but like when im with her sometimes just something triggers thoughts of of her being with her ex, like is frustrating like im not insecure that she'll leave me its like shes cheating right in front of me when i clearly know she wont and wouldnt like im tryingto work on it
Sorry but you are insecure and that appears to be raising its head in a bit of jealousy as well.

You are being unnerved about a relationship she had in the past.

You need to trust her until she gives you cause not to otherwise your behaviour will undermine the relationship. You barely know her as youve only been together 3 months. To work on it you need to understand and accept things about your behaviour and thoughts then look at what the suggested strategies are to deal with it. Anyway the reason to be aware of it it and stop it is that if you dont it could end your relationship because she wont want to deal with it.
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