A Pathway Through Grief (A blog) Watch

The_Lonely_Goatherd
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#41
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#41
(Original post by Pathway)
Feel really sort of weird, I guess. They've opened an investigation into Am's suicide. Been asked if I have questions and stuff, idk. Like yeah, I have so, so many, but mostly they can only be answered by someone who doesn't breathe anymore. Just hate not knowing things. Also don't want to ask something offensive. Idk.

In other news, have to go past the place K died tomorrow, and tbh every time I have to I just want to shove my head through a wall.

I dunno, not much to say right now I guess.
I think Pachuco raises a good point, though I can see how this investigation being opened could be quite unsettling for you. Loads of hugs :hugs:
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Pathway
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#42
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(Original post by The_Lonely_Goatherd)
I think Pachuco raises a good point, though I can see how this investigation being opened could be quite unsettling for you. Loads of hugs :hugs:
I'm just sorta worried I guess. Like esp. for her daughter's dad who found her, her family in general. I just feel bad for them. I don't want anything else to happen??? If that makes sense? I hope it brings them closure.
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Pathway
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#43
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So I was doing a lot of thinking (shouldn't do that, might hurt myself. hah) about that emotion that runs through every single thing in my life: guilt. Guilt for not being there, not doing enough, not contacting the right people at the right time, trying to move on with life, trying to make things better for myself, remember the good times with them, etc. See, I was trying to figure out why I blame myself so much, because when I've been actively suicidal in the past and angry at the world and myself and whatever else, but it's not usually the final things that brought me to that place, it's a culmination of a bunch of stuff. I'm not saying necessarily that it's true for everyone who has passed by suicide or attempted it, because generalisations are literally pointless. However, I wouldn't be surprised, knowing what I knew about my friends who have died by suicide they had a really rough time of it. It would make sense that all the stuff they had been through sort of compounded each other. That they felt hopeless and didn't see another way out. That's a very isolated and upsetting place to be.

I guess it was just sort of like a dam with a massive crack. It broke, the flood happened. They died. It wasn't something that could be contained, unfortunately. People couldn't get there in time, and the people who could do something weren't doing their jobs correctly My heart aches for them, they must have been in such profound distress. I hope in some round about way they felt some sort of peace knowing the finality of what they were doing? That the distress was going to end? I'm not sure. I know A was so weak the coroner said she wouldn't have felt anything anyway, her body just would've given out. K...I'm not so sure. The way she did it was brutal, guess I hope it was quick. Not sure though, because I've spoken to medical professionals about the same thing in relation to myself and they've told me wild stories. I dunno, just hope she wasn't in pain, she didn't deserve anymore pain. I hope they all knew that I cared on at least some level, even if I was being anti-social (not uncommon for me, I tend to fall off the face of the planet intermittently because what is communication I have no idea). I hope they knew that so many people loved them and feel endlessly guilty for not being there, that if they knew they would've done something.

Guess hindsight is 20/20. I don't regret knowing them though even if the void they left behind is like a black hole and wants to destroy everything in its path. I just miss them all.
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Pathway
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#44
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#44
There's this thread some person posted and it bothered me. I know I shouldn't be bothered, usually I wouldn't be, but I am right now. Idk what exactly is triggering me atm, but yay swings and round abouts of CPTSD I guess. aha. Do wish my brain would stop randomly bringing up images of things, it's just so graphic. K's mum actually asked to see the footage of when it happened, I feel like that would be nightmare fuel on steroids, idk.

Honestly, sometimes I wish I could just turn my brain off entirely always, go around on autopilot so people would be none the wiser. Feel like a useless person anyway so not like it would make a difference if I was on autopilot haha.
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Pathway
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#45
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Okay, so I was just on the CPTSD subreddit, and there was a thread about grief as grief is a pretty big...issue for CPTSD folk, in a variety of ways. But anyway, there was a post on this thread, that was an excerpt from a book by Judith Butler called "Precarious Life: The Powers of Mourning and Violence". Paraphrasing it basically said that certain people contribute to who you are on a profound level and when they go (by dying or some other fashion), you lose a part of yourself with them. That loss means you have to figure out who you are without them being present. You basically rebuild your sense of self and you have to, by extension, figure out where you belong again because that attachment to that person is severed. As a person with CPTSD I already have a pretty shoddy set of primary attachments because my parents weren't...great (my mum is making an effort now, but I'm still not going to let her off the hook for the years and years of neglect, and my dad...well, less said about him the better tbh). My close friends are my non-biological family. They all know that. I'm grateful for them, but those that have passed, it makes it so much harder, because I feel like I should've done more.

Have also noticed on my travels amongst different journals and stuff that often people who have been bereaved by suicide feel rejected by their loved one(s). It's a pretty big deal when you think about it. As humans, we are hard-wired to be self serving, to want to steer clear of harm. So when you go against that innate feeling it does cause conflict. That's why people shy away from talking about suicide, that's why people bereaved by suicide feel isolated. It's stigma both from an outside source, and internal. It's so damaging. The rejection is just so crippling at times, even if that wasn't their goal. It's a common topic on the Suicide Bereavement subreddit.

I'll never forget what Am did for me when A died, I just feel horribly guilty that I was unable to be there for her in her time of need. I knew she was struggling, and I wasn't around. She must have felt rejected by everyone. I know that there was a lot of tension in the group, even if I wasn't directly participating in it as much as before A died, but I just wish I'd made more of an effort. But, you know, I can't (and shouldn't) take responsibility for her actions. It was her choice. I just hope she's at peace.
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The_Lonely_Goatherd
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#46
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#46
Didn't know Judith Butler had written about mourning

:jumphug: for what you wrote about perceived and actual rejection by loved ones

On WA if you need to talk :hugs:
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Pathway
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#47
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(Original post by The_Lonely_Goatherd)
Didn't know Judith Butler had written about mourning

:jumphug: for what you wrote about perceived and actual rejection by loved ones

On WA if you need to talk :hugs:
I hadn't heard of her before admittedly, I might do some more research. Do you read her books? Are they good?

Yeah. It's hard, but if people don't wanna be around, then you can't make them. :dontknow: I'm okay with people coming and going from my life, I tend to prefer to be on my own for the most part anyway. Some people are there for chapters, some for your whole life, you know? My core group of friends, we have been through a lot together, but we always find our ways back together, if you get what I mean. I can count on them, they can count on me. Even if we go months without talking, we always pick up where we left off. We just understand each other really well? I don't feel panicked or whatever else, I think that's why our friendships have remained strong through all the ****ery tbh. I'm grateful for them.

But suicide...that's different. When I hear someone I care about talk about that, I literally lose it and I panic. Apparently that's not normal (according to my psychiatrist, because obviously everything about me is wrong always!). Oh well. Suicide just feels like a giant "**** you" even if they weren't thinking of it in that way, even if they weren't really thinking at all. You can't help but feel rejected by them when that happens. I know they were hurting, but as selfish as it sounds, I don't want to have to deal with this soul-destroying sadness that their absence causes. It's literally broken me. All the unanswered questions plague me on a daily basis, the guilt, the sadness, the anger...I'm just so angry, but then I feel guilt for it, I feel sad that they will never laugh again and a million other things. Nothing positive has really come out of their deaths that I would say was worth it. Sure it's given me more life experience, but does anyone wanna experience multiple suicides? Would rather have some other experience than this. Anyway, you can't make people stay, I've accepted that. They have autonomy over themselves, just like I have autonomy over myself. I respect peoples decisions just as I hope they respect mine.

Not sure if any of that makes sense. haha!

Will WA you. :console:
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The_Lonely_Goatherd
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#48
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Everything you wrote above makes sense (apart from what your mind****. psychiatrist said, his BS will never ever make sense to me :erm: :lolwut: :angry: Of course you're gonna panic anytime anyone vaguely mentions suicide :console: )

I know what you mean about your core friendship group. Me and my BFF are like that. Sometimes we used to go months without talking (we now try and say hi everyday) or seeing each other, but we both know that we can message the other and the other will come running to help out :yes: I think those friendships are the best kind because they are built on strong trust :moon:

What you said doesn't sound selfish - it sounds like all the emotions that come from being bereaved by suicide are heavy, numerous, overbearing, and unbearable I know you don't feel you cope very well, but I really admire how you keep going and deal with it all. Not easy at all :no:
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Pathway
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#49
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(Original post by The_Lonely_Goatherd)
Everything you wrote above makes sense (apart from what your mind****. psychiatrist said, his BS will never ever make sense to me :erm: :lolwut: :angry: Of course you're gonna panic anytime anyone vaguely mentions suicide :console: )

I know what you mean about your core friendship group. Me and my BFF are like that. Sometimes we used to go months without talking (we now try and say hi everyday) or seeing each other, but we both know that we can message the other and the other will come running to help out :yes: I think those friendships are the best kind because they are built on strong trust :moon:

What you said doesn't sound selfish - it sounds like all the emotions that come from being bereaved by suicide are heavy, numerous, overbearing, and unbearable I know you don't feel you cope very well, but I really admire how you keep going and deal with it all. Not easy at all :no:
Thank you. :hugs: I really appreciate your words. I'm glad you have a strong friendship with your BFF. Is comforting to know that someone's got your back!

Thank you again, I feel like I don't really have much of a choice. All I can do is carry on even if I don't want to. Sounds sort of morbid tbf. :lol:
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Pathway
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#50
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I'm not exactly sure how to word this, so bear with me.

I think over the last few months I've been working hard to figure out things and understand various issues I have. I've been going to therapy, through that I've learnt new ways to help myself, new ways to view myself and reactions that I have. I do feel different now. I do feel that as much as I still have all the issues I've had for years and the fall out of an incredibly abusive and toxic childhood, as well as the losses I've had in recent years, something has changed. Something positive. I feel like there's some hope. Like a faint glimmer of it, and I've not really had that pretty much...ever. I think that's a pretty big deal? I don't want to become too attached to it, but I'm going to keep trying. I just hope (haha!) that there's something at the end of all of this that makes it worthwhile. I don't want to let the guilt I feel about this positive change to over power my brain, so I'm just going to acknowledge that there is hope (real hope) and acknowledge that I do feel guilt, but it is what it is. The guilt I feel for simply existing will take time to process, and that's OK. Being judgemental for how I feel doesn't change how I feel, aside from make me feel worse than I already feel. So I have to make an active decision to not judge myself. Show myself compassion, and yeah, that's hard given the self hatred, but swings and round abouts! haha.

Not sure why my brain isn't being coherent, so sorry for the lack of sense this post makes. Will clarify things if needed. Just wanted to write this somewhere.
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The_Lonely_Goatherd
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#51
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(Original post by Pathway)
I'm not exactly sure how to word this, so bear with me.

I think over the last few months I've been working hard to figure out things and understand various issues I have. I've been going to therapy, through that I've learnt new ways to help myself, new ways to view myself and reactions that I have. I do feel different now. I do feel that as much as I still have all the issues I've had for years and the fall out of an incredibly abusive and toxic childhood, as well as the losses I've had in recent years, something has changed. Something positive. I feel like there's some hope. Like a faint glimmer of it, and I've not really had that pretty much...ever. I think that's a pretty big deal? I don't want to become too attached to it, but I'm going to keep trying. I just hope (haha!) that there's something at the end of all of this that makes it worthwhile. I don't want to let the guilt I feel about this positive change to over power my brain, so I'm just going to acknowledge that there is hope (real hope) and acknowledge that I do feel guilt, but it is what it is. The guilt I feel for simply existing will take time to process, and that's OK. Being judgemental for how I feel doesn't change how I feel, aside from make me feel worse than I already feel. So I have to make an active decision to not judge myself. Show myself compassion, and yeah, that's hard given the self hatred, but swings and round abouts! haha.

Not sure why my brain isn't being coherent, so sorry for the lack of sense this post makes. Will clarify things if needed. Just wanted to write this somewhere.
OMG, it actually let me rep you for once :adore: :lovehug:

I'm really pleased that you feel different now, and am proud of you for all the hard work you've put into therapy. Am so glad this therapist was better than the last one too (let's not even start on how crap she/that situation was, or else we'll be here all day :nothing: ) :yes:
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Pathway
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#52
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(Original post by The_Lonely_Goatherd)
OMG, it actually let me rep you for once :adore: :lovehug:

I'm really pleased that you feel different now, and am proud of you for all the hard work you've put into therapy. Am so glad this therapist was better than the last one too (let's not even start on how crap she/that situation was, or else we'll be here all day :nothing: ) :yes:
Thanks. I'm gonna be sad to not work with her, but I'm grateful I got to anyway. She's fantastic at what she does. Don't get me started on my previous one. :lolwut: But tbf, I think I was probably not ready for therapy as I started working with her just after A died and she had her own agenda and i was too busy being like "YEAH BUT WHY EVERYONE DIES AAAAAAAAA it's all pointless always and forever" etc. And hallucinating. :erm:

I think I've learnt a lot with my current psychologist. Glad I didn't bail on it entirely, that would've been a massive mistake. :sadnod:

Let me rep you too! Thank you.
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Pathway
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#53
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I am anxious at the moment. I dunno if I've written in this thread about two of my friends being in psychiatric units? Anyway, one of them (T) is in the same unit that A died in and K was assessed in 2 hours before she died. I want to go and see T, but every time I go there I feel like an actual mess, have had panic attacks because of it (staff don't do anything, just look at you like you've grown 12 heads :facepalm: ). The staff there are awful. There was one instance where they allowed a banned object into the unit (the one that unfortunately led to A's demise), and then laughed at me when I told them to remove it, they said it didn't need to be removed. That it wasn't problematic (yes it was lol, but OK, Karen). Doesn't matter that all around the unit there's posters about the item that isn't allowed...but I digress. I don't get why you'd work in a place like that, with incredibly vulnerable people and not care about their safety or welfare.

But of course, when I point things out, I'm the one in the wrong. Get threatened with being escorted off the premises. :sigh: it's stupid. But yeah, I do miss T, but that place messes me up. The thing is, I worry if I don't go and see her she will die, because that's the common thing with them all, I don't talk to them as much, and then they're dead. Lol, I know it's not that simple, but you can't help but feel guilty about it anyway.
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Pathway
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#54
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Hmm, so I feel like this is probably gonna just end up into a talking thread, tbh. I find writing helps me deal with my brain. It's still probably gonna be centred around grief though, but other stuff by default is sorta relevant. Grief is just something I've dealt with in various forms, doesn't always relate to people actually dying, if you get what I mean.

Anyway, so I've been doing a lot of self-analysis lately, I used to do this quite often, it helped me understand myself even if it didn't "fix" whatever the problem was. I find peace (?) in understanding, it means that I accept and acknowledge whatever it is. Guess that's why I studied psychology, ha. I feel like in some ways over the last few years I've been too...scared to do it, worried about the things I've stuffed down inside myself, especially things relating to the deaths. It seems too much in a way, because there's just so much going on. If I did allow it to "happen" (aka feel things fully in their entirety) I worry that I will lose control of myself, if that makes sense. What's the worst that can happen though? The worst has literally already happened (well in those specific situations). Now I just have to acknowledge, accept, own, understand and feel it, and digest it. That's what emotion processing basically is (yes I've missed out some steps, be quiet, aha!).

I guess part of the issue is allowing myself to feel it in a physical sense (trauma energy is stored in the body). I think in a way because of my various medical issues caused by the EDS it does make it some what difficult. My autonomic nervous system is out of wack, so that means I have to deal with the physical problem making the mental one worse...or maybe it's the other way around, I'm not sure (find out more answers soon). I dunno really if it matters. I also have Mast Cell Activation Syndrome, this can also impact your brain because yes, you have mast cells in your brain, also impacts the autonomic nervous system, and basically everything. I'm being treated, but it is still difficult.

I suppose I need to learn to cope with it in little bursts, that way I don't overwhelm my brain or body, I think this is where some form of mindfulness could help, potentially. I do find it difficult to be calm and mindful when my dad is in the house, but I have until September to improve my skills a little, I guess some improvement is better than going backwards? :dontknow:

Another thing I want to touch on with all of this, I've noticed that when I'm dealing with a lot emotionally and I'm struggling with it like I have been on and off for the last few weeks quite badly, I have a habit of pushing people away (actually think this is very common, just maybe different people have different reasons). I know why I do this, I prefer to "work alone" - always have done. Growing up it wasn't...good to be emotional, it "upset" my dad in various ways (think seen and not heard + violence). So I learned to internalise, to deal with it alone. I have tried to be more open since I was around 16 with people I trust about various things (mostly abuse stuff), but since A died I just feel like sometimes I am too much of a burden and people don't know what to say to me (or don't want to hear it? That's probably an assumption...lol). I'm also afraid of being hurt as well or misunderstood. So to deal with that I just isolate myself, "fix" it, reappear (sometimes ages later [can be months later lol, oops ]), repeat. I'm not sure if this is necessarily a good thing, because I would like to feel less disconnected from people. I feel like because I instinctively push people away when I'm vulnerable is probably adding to my feelings of disconnection? I'm not sure. I know I feel alienated anyway, that's due to the CPTSD, but since all the deaths and other stuff that has happened since 2015, things are different now. I barely feel like a person half the time.

I think I need to work on changing my self-appraisals (e.g. "I'm a burden"; etc.). My psychologist is forever telling me I need to work on changing my self-appraisals. Just hard because I hate my existence ha. :facepalm:
Last edited by Pathway; 4 weeks ago
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Pathway
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#55
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Ah, OK. So I found this insightful. "Many survivors have come to believe that their authentic and vulnerable self-expression is as repugnant or boring to others as it was to their parents." - it's just exactly how I feel. He also talks about venting distressing memories and thoughts and how it creates an authentic connection between people (which would explain why my friends and I are all incredibly close, particularly those from school/those who I know via A). I find the quote important, because it's literally what I was talking about in the previous post. It's like someone took the words out of my mouth. :lol: He also states it can be triggering to talk about things (yup), which I could be contributing to why I'm feeling worse - perhaps this blog is short term pain, long term gain? Who knows.

Also found it interesting that he seems to agree with me that you do need to emote aka basically have behavioural displays of how you're feeling e.g. being angry or crying, but that at some point you need to deal with it in a calm and connected way which is where you feel things. I'm glad I'm on the right tracks. Does sort of stress me out that there are so many problematic things to work through. I just want to stick my head in the sand, or look at memes. :teehee: :rofl:

This is what I'm referring to for anyone interested, it's by Pete Walker, it's talking about grief in relation to CPTSD. (I've not read the whole thing, I've just skim read it, but I do want to read the whole thing, when I'm less scatterbrained, the above bits just stood out to me).
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The_Lonely_Goatherd
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#56
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Sorry I'm not reply properly atm Have just caught up. Self-appraisals can be very hard to shift but I did find some of mine shifted eventually, through perseverance in therapy

Wow, this Pete Walker guy seems very clued up! Will have to check him out :yes:

Sorry to hear about T, didn't realise she was inpatient atm

What you said about feeling things in their entirety makes complete sense :yes:

Sorry this is a crap reply
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Pathway
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#57
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(Original post by The_Lonely_Goatherd)
Sorry I'm not reply properly atm Have just caught up. Self-appraisals can be very hard to shift but I did find some of mine shifted eventually, through perseverance in therapy

Wow, this Pete Walker guy seems very clued up! Will have to check him out :yes:

Sorry to hear about T, didn't realise she was inpatient atm

What you said about feeling things in their entirety makes complete sense :yes:

Sorry this is a crap reply
I hope mine will shift eventually.

Yeah, he is pretty good, I think he suffered with complex trauma/CPTSD himself.

Yeah she has been for a little while, she's on section. Think she went in just after E went up to Glasgow for the inpatient ED unit, so since around April? Idk.

:console: Please don't apologise, thank you for reading though. I hope things get better.
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The_Lonely_Goatherd
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(Original post by Pathway)
I hope mine will shift eventually.

Yeah, he is pretty good, I think he suffered with complex trauma/CPTSD himself.

Yeah she has been for a little while, she's on section. Think she went in just after E went up to Glasgow for the inpatient ED unit, so since around April? Idk.

:console: Please don't apologise, thank you for reading though. I hope things get better.
Oh **** about T. Since April? Tbh you probs told me that more than once but goldfish memory means I don't remember hearing about it :getmecoat:

What helped mine to shift a bit were writing positive affirmations. It was actually a thread on here by someone that I joined in with, and mentioned to my therapist and her face lit up and I was like "uh-oh" :lol: So for something like, maybe 2 months, I tried to write a positive affirmation about myself - one a day. Was exceedingly painful the first few weeks but it became easier as time went by. Ultimately quite a helpful exercise

:penguinhug:
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Pathway
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#59
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#59
(Original post by The_Lonely_Goatherd)
Oh **** about T. Since April? Tbh you probs told me that more than once but goldfish memory means I don't remember hearing about it :getmecoat:

What helped mine to shift a bit were writing positive affirmations. It was actually a thread on here by someone that I joined in with, and mentioned to my therapist and her face lit up and I was like "uh-oh" :lol: So for something like, maybe 2 months, I tried to write a positive affirmation about myself - one a day. Was exceedingly painful the first few weeks but it became easier as time went by. Ultimately quite a helpful exercise

:penguinhug:
Haha, yeah. I've only seen her once this stint because going there just makes me want to torch the dump. I'm not sure if I'm joking, lmao. It's just creepy. When we have to wait in the waiting place (like waiting for crisis assessments) I feel like A is there, and it creeps me out. They also changed the ward's name apparently (the name is weird as well, remind me to tell you on WA). The one she died in. Wonder why. Pricks. I'm glad T doesn't go to the same ward, they're split by which London Borough you live in. If I had got put on S3 last year I would've gone to the same ward as A, and tbh I probably would've lost every single one of my marbles including ones I didn't know existed. So. Yep. Dunno why they don't just write in T's CPA to not put her in that hospital, but they're not exactly smart people. Giving them too much credit. Woops my sarcasm gene is working too hard.

I guess I could give it a try, I just always either down play the good things or flat out disagree them or bring up something unrelated about myself which according to me makes me a piece of trash. :dontknow:
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mysticalfluffy
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#60
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Off out now, but commenting so I can bookmark this
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