A Pathway Through Grief (A blog) Watch

The_Lonely_Goatherd
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#81
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#81
(Original post by Pathway)
Hmmmm, so stigma. You know, I think a lot of that is rooted in language. Like the way we talk about things and the words we use, they're important. It shapes how we feel about a topic. I think that, going forward, I'd like to use different language when talking about my bereavements. I want to try to refrain from using words like "committed" and similar. It's not a crime, what they did. It isn't, sure it's devastating, but it's not a crime. I think that language perpetuates this stigma and also causes isolation for people who have been bereaved. I'm fed up of feeling isolated by it. So I need to help myself out by showing people that it's OK to talk about it, and not taboo, but that starts with changing the language. You need to frame things differently to get a different point of view. Sure it is nuanced, but nuances matter.
It's interesting, I'd never really thought about the implications of the phrase "committed suicide" until I read an article by my former volunteering line manager. It never ceases to amaze me how we (as a population, not just you and me!) use words without really questioning or thinking about them

:hugs:
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Pathway
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#82
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#82
(Original post by The_Lonely_Goatherd)
It's interesting, I'd never really thought about the implications of the phrase "committed suicide" until I read an article by my former volunteering line manager. It never ceases to amaze me how we (as a population, not just you and me!) use words without really questioning or thinking about them

:hugs:
Can understand why though, like I'm not having a go or anything, not even at myself, I just want to make a conscious effort to change how I talk about it. Maybe it'll help me feel better, less angry and less driven to blame people. :dontknow: It takes time to change how things are, but language is pretty cool in that it changes as the living live. We can change it, basically.

As an aside, I'm reading a different article by another person at the moment, she said, like me, that she had felt guilt and stuff about her bereavement. But it didn't really come to life in a massive way, not until someone blamed her for it. But she used that as a way to start healing...it's quite interesting. Sort of how I wouldn't really speak of the guilt in as many words before K's dad decided to blame everyone for K passing. I think it's just been a lot to take in all one go because it wasn't just K, it extended to the others too. So in a roundabout way, I'm glad for what he said. Even if it is overwhelming at times.
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Pathway
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#83
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#83
Okay...So, a YouTuber has been found dead, he ended his life. Their name was Etika. Their last video is haunting. I don't really have much to say as I didn't watch their content, save for random videos here and there via the commentary channels. I think it's sad he felt unable to reach out to those around him before he made his choice. It's sad they were unable to reach him too. He mentions his family and you can see the pain written all over his face, it's so incredibly sad, I feel for him and his loved ones. I hope they get support. It's so important to have support when you've been bereaved in such a tragic way.

I wouldn't recommend watching the video if you're in a vulnerable place. Talk to someone, talk to me even. I'm here, I will listen.
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Pathway
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#84
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#84
I'm struggling quite a bit in the run up to July. It'll be 4 years since A died. Honestly, in some ways it's like no time has passed at all, but in other ways it feels so long ago. I know people probably are sick of me talking about her, but I can't get over what happened. I know you should focus on the positive memories you had with the person, but I just...can't. I just think about how she did it. The aftermath. It's so distressing, idk.

I'm also worried about my mum, she has her mammogram in July too, and I always worry. What if it comes back?? What if it's aggressive again but they haven't caught it in time?? I'm so worried.

I need to switch off. Stop thinking.
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The_Lonely_Goatherd
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#85
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Not sick of you talking about her, and it's understandable to not be over what happened :jumphug:

Sorry to hear you're also worrying about your mum atm Am around today if chatting would help
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Pathway
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#86
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#86
(Original post by The_Lonely_Goatherd)
Not sick of you talking about her, and it's understandable to not be over what happened :jumphug:

Sorry to hear you're also worrying about your mum atm Am around today if chatting would help
Thank you. I've said to my mum that I'll go with her to the appointment, I just find it hard to go there at the best of times because it's where A was taken. I know it's probably standard procedure but it bothered me when A's Mum asked them to take the tubes out so she could see her for one last time, and they refused.

I miss her so much tbh.
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Pathway
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#87
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I feel like lately I've been crying about this stuff multiple times a day. Idk why, I never cried this much before K died. Stresses me out because sometimes crying makes me panic and leads to flashbacks (thanks dad!). Feel like such a mess.
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Pathway
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#88
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This probably will make no sense.

I feel like I can't accept that this is how life is now. I know I whinge and whatever about it, I just can't accept it. I don't want to accept it. It makes me angry that I have to accept it, because there is no choice in this. I feel like they took that from me, from us, when they did what they did. I don't understand why this happened. I hate that there is such a clear break. Before. After. The last four years has just been grief and death, the positive parts just don't really exist tbh, I wasn't even happy when I graduated. I blame it on my dad as he wasn't happy with my grade (got a 2.i and was allowed to resit an exam because of extenuating circumstances, finished with a first). But honestly it just meant nothing to me, my hard work meant nothing. I meant nothing, I mean nothing. That's just how I feel. I try and be positive, helpful, whatever, but it doesn't really matter in the end because it all just is irrelevant.

How do you get out of this mess though? Like how do I move on. There's too much baggage. People say this is just how it is, that I need to accept the change, but I don't want to, I miss how naïve I was before all this. I miss my biggest issue being whether or not my dad was gonna lose it for whatever reason, now I just worry everyone I give a **** about is gonna off themselves. I just miss the before. It was more simple, I understood it. I miss them.

You know, I always thought that they'd make it through. All of them. I never thought I'd wake up to all those frantic messages from whoever. I just can't believe it. Like I still don't understand this. How did this happen??? I remember B telling me about M overdosing, and she said she was sorry, that she didn't want to be the one to tell me what had happened. I don't really recall what happened after that. When T overdosed that same year, near Christmas. Spoke to his girlfriend. She was cut up about it. Understandably so. I hate Christmas. Not just because of what happened to T or Am, but like just generally all of it. Everyone expects you to be happy, because it's the "most wonderful time of the year" - it's ********. Most suicides happen around holidays.

Just. ugh. I so desperately wish I could go back in time. I don't want to accept this is how it is.
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The_Lonely_Goatherd
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#89
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What you've written does make sense and is understandable, given all you've been through. I'm not too sure how one "moves on" from this kind of bereavement, let alone when there have been so many in quick succession. But I do have hope that there are ways forward for you. Also, I disagree that you mean nothing and that what you do doesn't matter. You have worth and value and bring comfort to so many :penguinhug:
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Pathway
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#90
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(Original post by The_Lonely_Goatherd)
What you've written does make sense and is understandable, given all you've been through. I'm not too sure how one "moves on" from this kind of bereavement, let alone when there have been so many in quick succession. But I do have hope that there are ways forward for you. Also, I disagree that you mean nothing and that what you do doesn't matter. You have worth and value and bring comfort to so many :penguinhug:
I wish I could see it. I don't really see a future because I can't fix this and I feel like I don't know how to accept it. I just feel like my view of everything is so dramatically different and I don't know how to make it make sense, honestly sort of feel like I don't belong anywhere. I don't know. I feel like I'm just on the fringes of life and distant from everyone. lol. It's fine I guess. I'm just pissed off as per usual I suppose.
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The_Lonely_Goatherd
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#91
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(Original post by Pathway)
I wish I could see it. I don't really see a future because I can't fix this and I feel like I don't know how to accept it. I just feel like my view of everything is so dramatically different and I don't know how to make it make sense, honestly sort of feel like I don't belong anywhere. I don't know. I feel like I'm just on the fringes of life and distant from everyone. lol. It's fine I guess. I'm just pissed off as per usual I suppose.
It's not fine and you don't have to pretend that it is :no:
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Pathway
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#92
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#92
(Original post by The_Lonely_Goatherd)
It's not fine and you don't have to pretend that it is :no:
Feel like it scares people when I explain things.

I hope you're OK. :hugs:
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Pathway
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#93
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#93
This loneliness is crushing at best.

I remember K and I used to bunk school a lot, it was sort of like a game. Talk for hours, told secrets. There are things I told her no one else knows. Things we pinky promised not to tell anyone. I'm trying to remember like all the funny **** we got up to, but it's just marred now. It just hurts. I don't know. We had each others back, she used to get bullied intermittently in school. I was always the one to stand up for her, diffuse the situation. I dunno why that all changed. I don't really understand this tbh. It's almost like a switched flipped.

I knew things weren't OK. She would turn up at my house, S's house. something was wrong..I did ask about it, I even went and told the head of sixth form. I did what I was told you should do when you're worried that someone is being abused. It just made it worse. I just wanted her and her younger siblings to be safe? It's just confusing. I don't know really want went on. I wish I did know. She would go back on what she said, never a concrete answer. I dunno. didn't think all these years later that our friendship breaking down would completely flat out end like this. This can't be fixed. That's just...how it is I guess.

I guess I just miss when things were more simple and we were running away from teachers hiding in stair wells and behind bushes and whatever. just dumb **** you know. Making funny memories, being kids. I feel like my friendships are different now. I don't feel as connected as I did. It's just different now. How do you go through so many traumatic deaths and not get mind****ed though? Honestly. I dunno. I just feel so distant from everyone. Like I'm on a desert island.

I should sleep but I can't.
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The_Lonely_Goatherd
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I'm not sure it *is* possible to go through so many traumatic deaths and not get "mind****ed" (to use your phrase)

It sounds like you and K were friends from a very young age - I hadn't realised that
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Pathway
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#95
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(Original post by The_Lonely_Goatherd)
I'm not sure it *is* possible to go through so many traumatic deaths and not get "mind****ed" (to use your phrase)

It sounds like you and K were friends from a very young age - I hadn't realised that
Yeah. We were friends since the start of secondary school.
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The_Lonely_Goatherd
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(Original post by Pathway)
Yeah. We were friends since the start of secondary school.
:jumphug:
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Pathway
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#97
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(Original post by The_Lonely_Goatherd)
:jumphug:
We were best friends from year 7 to around the start of 6th form. A lot of stuff started changing in 6th form. Honestly I dunno why. Perhaps she was upset because in year 11 I was getting close to E, A and S.

Just hate that 2 of them are dead now. Frustrating.
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The_Lonely_Goatherd
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#98
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(Original post by Pathway)
We were best friends from year 7 to around the start of 6th form. A lot of stuff started changing in 6th form. Honestly I dunno why. Perhaps she was upset because in year 11 I was getting close to E, A and S.

Just hate that 2 of them are dead now. Frustrating.
It is really awful that 2 of them are dead now. But try not to look back at the changes that happened in Sixth Form with regret. Friendships ebb and flow and (at least for me) Sixth Form can be a big shift, not only academically but in terms of maturity, friendships, romantic interests, hobbies, etc. So it's natural that some friends would become closer while others might be still close but talking less frequently or whatever. I don't think I saw much of my BFF during Sixth Form tbh :ninja:

:hugs:
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Pathway
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#99
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(Original post by The_Lonely_Goatherd)
It is really awful that 2 of them are dead now. But try not to look back at the changes that happened in Sixth Form with regret. Friendships ebb and flow and (at least for me) Sixth Form can be a big shift, not only academically but in terms of maturity, friendships, romantic interests, hobbies, etc. So it's natural that some friends would become closer while others might be still close but talking less frequently or whatever. I don't think I saw much of my BFF during Sixth Form tbh :ninja:

:hugs:
Yeah, I know, I just feel like maybe she felt like I didn't care and that's why our friendship broke down and why she got more unstable. I tried to repair it when I was at university and even after A died, but then I had to drop it when she started making threats last year...that phone call, I just hate the hysterical crying that my brain still plays. **** sake. :sigh:
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Pathway
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#100
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I can't actually believe that it'll be 4 years this Sunday since A took her life. I've been going around in a bit of a daze the last few days or so. It just doesn't seem real. Was watching some videos we took together at one of the last house parties we were at with the others, it's just comforting to hear her laughing. It was just fun. I miss that. It's so weird how much has changed and yet how stuck I feel.

:sigh: I dunno. Will try and phone her mum or something on Sunday, send her a text. I've not spoken to her since last year really, aside from random texts here and there. I don't want to lose contact. It's just so hard to know what to say? I feel like there's nothing I can say to help her or anything.
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