Okay-social phobia even at age 21, does this make me a loser?

Sometimes I feel like a total loser, that I will never get anywhere and that people are secretly laughing at me behind my pack. I get really paranoid about making friends and find it difficult to trust people due to bullying in college and at secondary school. Because I was quiet and shy many of my classmates used to make fun of me behind my back and try to convince me that I was mad. They would make sure to comment on how I walked, talked or dressed. If I was eating something they would stare at me and make comments about how I was eating or say there was something weird about my laugh or how I might argue with others. As a result I developed a severe social phobia, where I became obsessed with acting 'normal' and avoiding places where there were likely to be large crowds of people. This carried on to college where I was even more lonely and people would mutter amongst themselves about how weird I was. I felt ashamed of my phobia and that I should have grown out of it by that age. I eventually managed to control it at university, but after a year I had a relapse and had to seek counselling. Now I am in a temp job and have started to stiffen up around my colleagues, I find it difficult to answer their questions and feel nervous for no reason. I don't seem to ask the 'right' questions at work, and people are often babying me or giving me advice out of the blue about my work clothes or choice of food. People sometimes randomly ask if I'm 'ok'. I start having panic attacks when forced to maintain a conversation for longer than a few seconds and tense up. I've started to feel that I will never grow out of this phase, that I will always be a loser and sometimes when I see my old classmates that used to bully me going to top universities, top jobs or generally leading exciting new lives I feel jealous and resentful that while they made me miserable. I'm still stuck as a socially awkward 21 year old while they seem to be successful. Is it weird that even though I am 21 I still have issues that should have left me after stopping being a teenager?
This post is long but I have really needed to vent my frustrations.

Reply 1

Angelil

19

You sound like me :frown:

Although I'm better now than I was, I still experience periods of social anxiety where I don't want to see ANYONE, and even feel paranoid walking past people I don't know.
If it helps, there should be a free counselling service in your area (even if you're not at university) if you feel the need to talk to anyone about this. Or you can always PM me if it helps :smile:

Reply 2

MSB

17

It doesn't make you a loser at all. Everyone has their own problems to deal with - life isn't 'easy' for anyone.

Reply 3

username158373

0

18

Yes, yes it does..

But then i'm a prick what do i know :p:

My advice. STOP THINKING. And just go out and dont even think "oh but this, oh but that". JUST DO IT.

Reply 4

*pitseleh*

20

I don't know how useful this advice is going to be, but I think you need to try your very hardest to do these things in spite of the fact that they frighten you.

I was never the most confident person in high school, and I became ridiculously shy after school ended and my friends moved away. Then a couple of years ago I was subjected to quite a violent physical attack from someone whom I'd considered a friend (though admittedly I'd only known him for a couple of months), which knocked my confidence worse than ever. I was half ready to just give up on other people and stick to spending time with my family and boyfriend, all of whom I knew I could trust.. but I knew I wanted to go into higher education at some point and I knew having no confidence would make for quite a miserable uni experience. So I started - with my boyfriend's help - making myself go to parties with him and making myself talk to people.. and it really wasn't long before I started getting invitations myself (not just as my boyfriend's guest, I mean). I found a little bit of alcohol helped as well - as in just one or two drinks - but it's important not to go overboard otherwise you'll probably end up doing something silly and then your confidence will end up back at square one. :wink:

I also took up a job where I rarely work with the same people twice (I'm a nursing auxiliary but I cover all of the hospitals in my vicinity and work when wards are short-staffed). As a result, I had plenty of opportunity to practice my "people skills" without worrying that I'd be stuck with those people forever if I made a wally of myself. :biggrin:

I guess a similar effect could be achieved by temping, if my job isn't your sort of thing. :smile:

Hang in there - you can overcome this sort of thing (and you're not too old at 21, either - I'm 22 now myself and as mentioned above, it's only been in the last year or two that I've come out of my shell). Good luck!

Reply 5

Bismarck

13

You're not a loser. You did nothing to deserve this. But keep in mind that one doesn't just magically pick up social skills. You should try going to your GP and try to get into some kind of social skill counseling. You could try to rectify this problem yourself, but it will take much longer.

Reply 6

Anonymous #2

Thank you all for your friendly responses, they were really appreciated. I find myself sometimes (maybe all the time) comparing myself to the people that I left school with, I sometimes view their profiles on Facebook, and when I see how well they've done after secondary school (going to a top university, having a good setted job after graduation etc.) and to places that I would have like to apply for but couldn't because of my A-level grades were not good enough for these places. I feel so jealous and bitter, that even though they made my life at secondary school so miserable; something which has had an impact on me socially and emotionally ever since, they are successful and probably popular while I am in a job that I dislike and am currently re-applying for uni. The fact that I only have two A-levels makes me bitter and resentful and recently things have just overwhelmed me at work and in my social life. I find it difficult to trust people and am sometimes paranoid that they have a hidden motive for talking to me-I feel like they are just trying to make fun of me or pick on me. As a result I am lonely and depressed. I feel as though my choices and grades at A-level could affect my career prospects for the rest of my life, I can't get over the feeling that I could make the same mistake at uni the second time round that I did when I went to university for the first time. I feel as if negative things just happen to me, that I am a loser who attracts criticism and negativity.

Reply 7

Angelil

19

You can always get new A Levels. If you want decent grades badly enough then you have more chance of achieving them this time :smile:

Reply 8

lazza

15

Yesterday I was talking to a friend of mine who's 20 and her social phobia is taking over her life

Personally what I would suggest (as I did to her) is go to your GP and ask about what types of CBT you can be referred to. At 21 the waiting list for face-to-face will probably be long, however computerised CBT you can start pretty much instantly. Everyone is supposed to have access to it in the UK, however it depends on whether your PCT has bought it yet

Personally when I did online CBT it was through a website called www.beatingtheblues.co.uk. It was more aimed at depression than anxiety for me, however I think it works out how to help the individual. It basically helps you change the way you think and your patterns

Reply 9

Denzelinho

ChrisLincoln

Yes, yes it does..

But then i'm a prick what do i know :p:

My advice. STOP THINKING. And just go out and dont even think "oh but this, oh but that". JUST DO IT.

Sound advice there Sigmund!

Having Social Phobia doesn't make you a loser at all, it just makes you a bit unlucky. You can sort it out though, the best idea would be to see a doctor about getting CBT.

Reply 10

notorious_gurl

6

Anonymous

Sometimes I feel like a total loser, that I will never get anywhere and that people are secretly laughing at me behind my pack. I get really paranoid about making friends and find it difficult to trust people due to bullying in college and at secondary school. Because I was quiet and shy many of my classmates used to make fun of me behind my back and try to convince me that I was mad. They would make sure to comment on how I walked, talked or dressed. If I was eating something they would stare at me and make comments about how I was eating or say there was something weird about my laugh or how I might argue with others. As a result I developed a severe social phobia, where I became obsessed with acting 'normal' and avoiding places where there were likely to be large crowds of people. This carried on to college where I was even more lonely and people would mutter amongst themselves about how weird I was. I felt ashamed of my phobia and that I should have grown out of it by that age. I eventually managed to control it at university, but after a year I had a relapse and had to seek counselling. Now I am in a temp job and have started to stiffen up around my colleagues, I find it difficult to answer their questions and feel nervous for no reason. I don't seem to ask the 'right' questions at work, and people are often babying me or giving me advice out of the blue about my work clothes or choice of food. People sometimes randomly ask if I'm 'ok'. I start having panic attacks when forced to maintain a conversation for longer than a few seconds and tense up. I've started to feel that I will never grow out of this phase, that I will always be a loser and sometimes when I see my old classmates that used to bully me going to top universities, top jobs or generally leading exciting new lives I feel jealous and resentful that while they made me miserable. I'm still stuck as a socially awkward 21 year old while they seem to be successful. Is it weird that even though I am 21 I still have issues that should have left me after stopping being a teenager?
This post is long but I have really needed to vent my frustrations.

I can totally relate to you as I've been through exactly the same phase! I haven't recovered from it totally either. I find it extremely hard to tell my boyfriend that I suffer from social phobia as I wouldn't want him to think I'm a loser. It would be great if we spoke to each other as we could share our experiences together. Please feel free to PM me. A big hug for you!

Reply 11

llys

17

Anonymous

Thank you all for your friendly responses, they were really appreciated. I find myself sometimes (maybe all the time) comparing myself to the people that I left school with, I sometimes view their profiles on Facebook, and when I see how well they've done after secondary school (going to a top university, having a good setted job after graduation etc.) and to places that I would have like to apply for but couldn't because of my A-level grades were not good enough for these places. I feel so jealous and bitter, that even though they made my life at secondary school so miserable; something which has had an impact on me socially and emotionally ever since, they are successful and probably popular

It's very understandable that you feel this way but I think it's something you should stop. It seems like a downward spiral.

By all means have a good long rant about it, see a counselor and so on - but then stop looking them up on facebook, stop comparing yourself to them, etc. - cut them out of your life completely. If you get really upset and angry (about anything) I also find it helps to go to the gym - work/punch it out of your system.

Instead of thinking about these people, plan your future. See if you want to get more A-Levels (you could do so as a private candidate if you don't want to go back to college) or maybe go on a gap year working abroad (you can PM me for ideas if you want), learn a new language or an instrument - do something that is interesting to you. You can even study abroad, that'll make for a life-changing experience and will probably be just as impressive as going to a "top university" in Britain. (You can PM me for ideas about that as well, I'm a globetrotter myself (and (just in case that is a concern) I've never had any money to speak of, so that doesn't have to be a problem).)

Reply 12

lincs_b

1

Anonymous

Sometimes I feel like a total loser, that I will never get anywhere and that people are secretly laughing at me behind my pack. I get really paranoid about making friends and find it difficult to trust people due to bullying in college and at secondary school. Because I was quiet and shy many of my classmates used to make fun of me behind my back and try to convince me that I was mad. They would make sure to comment on how I walked, talked or dressed. If I was eating something they would stare at me and make comments about how I was eating or say there was something weird about my laugh or how I might argue with others. As a result I developed a severe social phobia, where I became obsessed with acting 'normal' and avoiding places where there were likely to be large crowds of people. This carried on to college where I was even more lonely and people would mutter amongst themselves about how weird I was. I felt ashamed of my phobia and that I should have grown out of it by that age. I eventually managed to control it at university, but after a year I had a relapse and had to seek counselling. Now I am in a temp job and have started to stiffen up around my colleagues, I find it difficult to answer their questions and feel nervous for no reason. I don't seem to ask the 'right' questions at work, and people are often babying me or giving me advice out of the blue about my work clothes or choice of food. People sometimes randomly ask if I'm 'ok'. I start having panic attacks when forced to maintain a conversation for longer than a few seconds and tense up. I've started to feel that I will never grow out of this phase, that I will always be a loser and sometimes when I see my old classmates that used to bully me going to top universities, top jobs or generally leading exciting new lives I feel jealous and resentful that while they made me miserable. I'm still stuck as a socially awkward 21 year old while they seem to be successful. Is it weird that even though I am 21 I still have issues that should have left me after stopping being a teenager?
This post is long but I have really needed to vent my frustrations.

Hi, hope you have realised your not alone. I'm kind of the same as you but I don't even know where it all stems from. I was fine at school, I had friends and seemed confident but obviously wasn't inside. Now I avoid going out, I can't think of anything worse. Have you considered joining a local group, I know that you won't want to but it could help with the whole career issue.

Reply 13

Misogynist

18

I wouldn't recommend therapy yet. You'd want to come to terms with the problem yourself first. Practice your social skills, talk to random people, force yourself to speak to a random person everyday. Even if it's just small talk about the weather. Eventually you'll 'grow out of it', I guess.

Reply 14

kitty_koo

12

Anonymous

Sometimes I feel like a total loser, that I will never get anywhere and that people are secretly laughing at me behind my pack. I get really paranoid about making friends and find it difficult to trust people due to bullying in college and at secondary school. Because I was quiet and shy many of my classmates used to make fun of me behind my back and try to convince me that I was mad. They would make sure to comment on how I walked, talked or dressed. If I was eating something they would stare at me and make comments about how I was eating or say there was something weird about my laugh or how I might argue with others. As a result I developed a severe social phobia, where I became obsessed with acting 'normal' and avoiding places where there were likely to be large crowds of people. This carried on to college where I was even more lonely and people would mutter amongst themselves about how weird I was. I felt ashamed of my phobia and that I should have grown out of it by that age. I eventually managed to control it at university, but after a year I had a relapse and had to seek counselling. Now I am in a temp job and have started to stiffen up around my colleagues, I find it difficult to answer their questions and feel nervous for no reason. I don't seem to ask the 'right' questions at work, and people are often babying me or giving me advice out of the blue about my work clothes or choice of food. People sometimes randomly ask if I'm 'ok'. I start having panic attacks when forced to maintain a conversation for longer than a few seconds and tense up. I've started to feel that I will never grow out of this phase, that I will always be a loser and sometimes when I see my old classmates that used to bully me going to top universities, top jobs or generally leading exciting new lives I feel jealous and resentful that while they made me miserable. I'm still stuck as a socially awkward 21 year old while they seem to be successful. Is it weird that even though I am 21 I still have issues that should have left me after stopping being a teenager?
This post is long but I have really needed to vent my frustrations.

I could've written that :s:

although im 19. I was bullied in every single year at secondary school about the pettiest things as well, they would comment on my clothes, the way i talk, what i did, basically everything :s:

I went to school feeling like crap and came back feeling even worse. They made me feel worthless which undoubtedly has had a major effect on my self-confidence, the way i act around people and how i view myself. I get what you mean about constantly thinking about acting "normal" while out and about and i always try to avoid areas where there will be large crowds :s-smilie:

Im really going to try and change next year, in my second year at uni, i didnt really make any friends in my 1st year and sunk back into my old ways :s:

which i really dont want to do again

use paragraphs

Hi there.

Firstly, no it doesn't make you a loser!

Have you heard of the National Phobics Society? Their website is now called AnxietyUK , and it offers lots of free support and information for people that suffer from any kind of anxiety. You might find their email support service useful as a first step in figuring out the best way to help yourself or where to get help from alternative sources.

I hope things get better for you.