The Rocky Road To Redemption - 'Blog' Watch

LostLioness
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#21
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#21
I have had another little thought today. Sometimes, I know exactly what it is that hurts me and yet I chase it like a cat after the cream. Perhaps I am a little self-destructive, but tbf are we not all? It isn't anything serious. Just small things. It was liberating to think for a few minutes today that I do have the self-control to not do those things (e.g. still pine for toxic friends or allow them back in my life).

Sometimes we tell ourselves something over and over and it becomes our reality. During GCSEs I used to jokingly say "Ah, I am so dumb. God, kill me." Though the latter sentence I never meant and stopped saying, the former I carried with me on my tongue to A-levels. And in last two years of A-levels I said it so much more than I did during my GCSEs that I began to subconsciously believe those words. The phrase that I have decided to eliminate from my life for now is "I have no self-control". I do. I can be more disciplined. If I said it enough - or at least as much as I have "I am so dumb" - there is nothing in this world more possible. I deserve happiness, I deserve success.

To any students reading this (hopefully not many are and my thoughts are my own to see) please do not get lost in today's trend of being an over-worked sarcastic, sleep-deprived student who mumbles "kill me" every other second. Yes, being a student means that you will at times be sleep-deprived and drink more coffee than is healthy but remember this: remain as positive as you can without faking it. Just because it might be 'trendy' to say things like "kill me" or "I so failed that" or that "I am so ****ing dumb", over time this will be detrimental to your health. I fell into this trendy trap and it had a negative impact on me. Please don't do it. I won't lie, I probably will say silly negative things about myself from time to time because I am dumb (see that?) but as long as I also say positive things about myself, in the long-term I might become a more kinder person to myself. As silly as it sounds, maybe whisper nice things to yourself before you lose yourself to sleep.

Night x
Last edited by LostLioness; 1 month ago
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ThunderBeard
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#22
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Thank you!I I'm in yr 11, and yeah I'm good. So don't stress about sending it. But for some daft reason, we've already got homework. No, I'll probably drop some other subject. Your advice is great, but maybe time you should take it yourself. Don't call yourself daft or forgetful.
(Original post by LostLioness)
Aw, thank you so much! :knuddel: I hate emojis, but I will make an exception for you. You are so incredibly kind. x
I am not too sure what you are referring to when you say "you shouldn't be subjected to such things", if it is the neighbour staring as I exercise..... :rofl: I do get annoyed but I can hardly tell him to look elsewhere. It is uncomfortable but I need to get a grip and ignore him.

How are you doing yourself? Btw, are you in year 12 or 13? I ask because you were asking me about AS chemistry, do you hope to drop it in year 13? If so, I will have to make changes to the resources I was planning on sharing with you. I am so daft, I have yet to do that. I am horribly forgetful, if I don't send them over, please pm me.
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LostLioness
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#23
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#23
I remember year 11 so well, it was 10% work and 90% banter. What are you hoping to take for A-levels?

(Original post by ThunderBeard)
Thank you!I I'm in yr 11, and yeah I'm good. So don't stress about sending it. But for some daft reason, we've already got homework. No, I'll probably drop some other subject. Your advice is great, but maybe time you should take it yourself. Don't call yourself daft or forgetful.
Thank you, I will try. You already have homework for a-levels when you have just finished year 11 exams?? (assuming you have) Ah, how irritating. Don't listen to the school, take summer out to enjoy. They might have given you CGP bridge work. I am so conflicted, kind of want to tell you to just buy the actual books you will be studying from. However, I suppose teachers sometimes do know what they say, so you might as get the homework done. x
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LostLioness
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#24
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#24
There are times in life when one feels as light as the air and then others when the weight of world forces us down to our knees. I feel light tonight (please politely ignore that it is way past midnight). Having rekindled an old friendship with a very dear person in my life has certainly made me feel a little more alive again. I must admit, it feels at time a little too quick. It is frightening because the person is doing far too much for me, making far too much of an effort than I am and it makes me anxious. I have very little to give back, other than my company and time. I don't want to be a leech and not giving back makes me feel oddly selfish. I suppose I can always give back more in the future, when I have something to give.
As for the challenge, I am keeping a log book and I will update it all on here soon. Went out for a long walk today and then had an intense session of cardio. Ate healthy I'd say, if we ignore the toast I had this morning. I missed jam sooooo much, almost sobbed when I bit into it.
It is late, but I had coffee not two hours ago and I am so restlessly awake. Ugh. I have started the painting I planned eons ago, it is coming alright. Might post it when it finishes. Still find it hard to wake up early though, I am praying tomorrow I do and then go outside to exercise. My physical health is my priority right now and it annoys me that something as trivial as sleep is getting in the way.
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LostLioness
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#25
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#25
Watching the moon at night is such an exquisite experience, too bad I can't do it from my bedroom window.

I have had a few other realisations that I feel like I should note down so that if I ever am lost in the future, I can come back and read what I have learnt. First of all, the opinions of those not dear to you are just that, carless comments which are made during a very small fraction of their day. These comments that they make leave their mind, float to yours and plague your peace. It should not be like this though. Life is too short to be worrying restlessly on what some random person thinks of you and how they perceive you. I know this and yet I relentlessly allow it to control my thoughts. This is why self-love and confidence is so important, so that those around you cannot erode the base on which you plan on building yourself. Taller and higher. Like the heat that rises and becomes the rain. You transform.

Secondly, believe in yourself. You don't need others, at least not as much as you think you might. Ask for help but be brave enough to help yourself. I have such a vivid imagination that I take a small issue and then create an entire dilemma for myself. I just need to breathe sometimes and stop focusing on such minor issues in life. I am enough, and if I say it with little conviction today I hope I say with a little more tomorrow. Or the day after.

To more practical side of things: I am planning on cutting carbs as much as I can from my diet. Increase the intensity of my workouts. A novel I ordered has yet to arrive and I am itching to get my hands on it and read. I also need to now create a timetable for revision. I am drowsy enough right now to allow myself this dream: next year on August the 15th: I want to have 2A*s and 2 As in my hands. Ideally, I want these results from two of my retakes, another a-level that I might take and an EPQ. My competitive side has been ignited by some people on here (lol, all sensible users one should look up to), like adding fuel to a dying fire. God help me, but I want the future I see. I just now must walk and run and craw to reach it.

Night x
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LostLioness
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#26
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#26
I am beginning to have thoughts I never thought I would. Growing up if I ever displeased my dad, I was at the receiving end of his 'silent treatment'. I used to think him a very noble parent who didn't shout at his children if they angered him. Now I am not so sure. It drives me nuts. I need a parent who tells me when I am wrong, not one who just sits quietly expecting me to somehow read their mind. I think he has given up on me. I feel so annoyed at times, I am 18 and I act like a child. Why do I have so many expectations? I feel like I am just waiting for him to turn around and lift me out of my misery. It won't happen and I just need to do this for myself. I wish I didn't feel the need to please him, to be the perfect child. It is so hard when the requirements for perfection are practically a mystery to me. I have no idea what he wants. To see him favour my sibling both pleases and agonises me. I am glad he sees her worthy of his open affection but feelings of envy assail me just as equally, if not with greater ambition. I recognise the issue: I expect too much from a man who has very little to give me. I adore him and yet I am angry with him. It is quite difficult to want to do well when you feel like you are only doing it for yourself because I know he doesn't believe I can do great things. I don't blame him for having very little faith in me. I just wish he gave me another chance. I can't wait either, not anymore anyways, for his love. I cannot sit and expect him to chase away my doubts. I just need to remember to do this for myself, even if no one believes in me. It's quite funny. The words "believe in yourself" are so commonly said but what they mean is only becoming clear to me now.
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LostLioness
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#27
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#27
In regards to the '30 day challenge' I am seeing some positive changes in myself physically and both mentally. Even though my posts on this blog are always so miserable (because they are sporadic and I only write when I am feeling down) I have been feeling quite happy in the last few days. Emotionally, I feel quite light. Rekindling a relationship with someone I used to be very close to has uplifted my mood.
The only tasks I have been following are the cold showers and the exercise. The rest....well about that, I am so stubborn that whenever I make a new plan, I have to go "all in" or nothing. However, the reality is that not having sugar in my coffee made me MISERABLE. As well as not being able to wake up at 5. So I kept delaying the challenge starting day because I never quite accomplished all the goals in one day. I need to drop this attitude. From now on, I am going to be a little more flexible. Making a new plan and I will post it soon. This is so typical me, I make plans and I never stick to them. The issue is that I overestimate my ambition and self-control and then end up regretting it. So from now on, I will only blog about this challenge if I actually do most of it. Though it is nice to talk about it, talking deludes me into thinking I will do it. More doing, less talking.
Last edited by LostLioness; 4 weeks ago
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LostLioness
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#28
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#28
Nothing more seems fitting right now than to write down a few thoughts and unburden my mind. I have realised that I resist change. The change I will talk about today is one on note-taking and revision habits.
During GCSEs I was intimately in touch with my creative side and taking Art as one of my subjects meant that my room always smelt a little bit of pain, my hands frequently marked with colours and not a corner in my room was empty. As a result - or so I choose to hold it accountable - I was a 'messy' learner. It became a part of me and I was free-spirited. I might be over-thinking this. Anyways, so my 'notes' always consisted of me annotating the core textbooks and re-reading and re-reading them. Speaking out loud. 'Blurting' - just writing down around the pages of the textbook what I had learnt. I was happy and I didn't care too much that others were making neat, pretty notes. It dawns on me today that there is one core difference between a happy person and one who is not so happy: confidence. Happy people do things in their own way and those that are not so lucky with this emotion doubt themselves and always try to replicate others. Or at least I do. Anyways, come A-levels I didn't realise I would have to change my ways and make notes. I was reluctant to change, I didn't want new methods because though I didn't admit it to myself at the time, I was under pressure and so so scared. I didn't want to let go of the safe habits I had picked up during GCSEs. In my mind, I had done fairly well for my GCSEs and I thought I would be alright for A-levels. I hardly knew the teachers and when they would advise something, I would not always be convinced. I didn't make notes, didn't adopt new habits and I suffered. It was during my browse through StupendousConfectionery 's blog recently that I came across the message that resisting change was one of the obstacles to achieving happiness. I realised I had to change. Though it scares me, I should give it a go. There isn't much harm in it anyways, it is the summer holidays. So, I am going to try and make revision notes for Biology this weekend, beginning to prepare for the retake.

Night
Last edited by LostLioness; 3 weeks ago
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NoTearsLeftToCry
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#29
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#29
(Original post by LostLioness)
Nothing more seems fitting right now than to write down a few thoughts and unburden my mind. I have realised that I resist change. The change I will talk about today is one on note-taking and revision habits.
During GCSEs I was intimately in touch with my creative side and taking Art as one of my subjects meant that my room always smelt a little bit of pain, my hands frequently marked with colours and not a corner in my room was empty. As a result - or so I choose to hold it accountable - I was a 'messy' learner. It became a part of me and I was free-spirited. I might be over-thinking this. Anyways, so my 'notes' always consisted of me annotating the core textbooks and re-reading and re-reading them. Speaking out loud. 'Blurting' - just writing down around the pages of the textbook what I had learnt. I was happy and I didn't care too much that others were making neat, pretty notes. It dawns on me today that there is one core difference between a happy person and one who is not so happy: confidence. Happy people do things in their own way and those that are not so lucky with this emotion doubt themselves and always try to replicate others. Or at least I do. Anyways, come A-levels I didn't realise I would have to change my ways and make notes. I was reluctant to change, I didn't want new methods because though I didn't admit it to myself at the time, I was under pressure and so so scared. I didn't want to let go of the safe habits I had picked up during GCSEs. In my mind, I had done fairly well for my GCSEs and I thought I would be alright for A-levels. I hardly knew the teachers and when they would advise something, I would not always be convinced. I didn't make notes, didn't adopt new habits and I suffered. It was during my browse through StupendousConfectionery 's blog recently that I came across the message that resisting change was one of the obstacles to achieving happiness. I realised I had to change. Though it scares me, I should give it a go. There isn't much harm in it anyways, it is the summer holidays. So, I am going to try and make revision notes for Biology this weekend, beginning to prepare for the retake.

Night
You can do this, Lioness:cube:
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LostLioness
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#30
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#30
01/08/2019
Thought I would update a little. The 30 day challenge has not seen the daylight, it remains buried in the dark part of my mind which mechanically produces ideas and then I abandon them. I am quite amazed by how much I have changed as a person after the exams ended, as a result of a few more smiles and a genuine happiness that has blossomed inside of me. I think I am beginning to see things in a more practical and reasonable light. Though the challenge sounded incredible, for 30 days it would have been too strenuous for someone who had developed unhealthy habits. I need to take it a little slower. Develop some habit and then some more. I have been successful with my cold showers and water intake but my sleep schedule is terrible. I woke up at 5.43 am this morning and a part of me was urging me to go outside and do my workout. However, it was so cold and I was under the cosy spell of slumber so I surrendered to sleep. And then I woke up at 10:43 am.

A recent development on my way to 'redemption' has been starting a journal. I have been recording the time I go to bed, the time I wake up at, the litres of water I drink, the time I spend exercising in a day (have yet to achieve an hour, let alone two), what I eat throughout the day and tedious detail which I will omit on this blog. It is useful to write it down because I always try and forget today in the hopes that I will 'redeem' myself tomorrow. Never quite happens. So I am forcing myself to see the facts on paper and go from there.

Diet and health
A close friend of mine is on the Keto diet and has seen some amazing results in terms of weight loss, so I have reluctantly begun to cut down on my carbs intake. It pains me though - forgive me for being so dramatic - to not shove as many slices of bread as I can down my throat. Cakes. Muffins. Cookies... Mmn. Carbs and fats together are lethal...so I have not baked too much recently. However, I have promised myself that I am allowed to have whatever I bake so I guess there hasn't been a better incentive for baking. I have 8 recipes I want to try and make next. Will be posting the pictures. I had some pictures to post but my phone has lost its soul. It isn't working anymore.
I have also been going outside into the garden to get black berries for my breakfast bowl in the morning and I get stung every single time. Though I am prone to exaggeration, it is the absolute truth that I have been stung every single time. So much for trying to eat of the earth.
I have also started belly dance lessons. My God, I used to think it would be so easy. I was under the impression that one would simply have to move the hip from one side to the other and would transform into a concubine in a sultan's seraglio. Turns out it is bloody hard. Anyways, I took a lesson on chest circles and how to do a shimmy. I looked so stiff doing it LOL and there was I, thinking being graceful was easy. Well, I guess I have learnt never to assume and always to try new things. I am definitely going to carry on with Belly dance lessons. At first I was sceptical of this dance, I thought it was too easy and not a challenge. I have been proven wrong. So I will definitely carry on learning. It is both a challenge and a light form of exercise. I am going to attach a video I will be following later this afternoon, if anyone is interested:

I followed some of it yesterday but the instructor talks in an overtly 'I-am-trying-to-be-sensual' manner and I am just a little worried about what my neighbours might think I am doing in my house. :rofl:

I think I will stop blogging now and go do the workout. Au revoir. x
Last edited by LostLioness; 2 weeks ago
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Palmyra
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#31
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#31
(Original post by LostLioness)
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PRSOM. Great that you're feeling happier! Good luck with the journal.

Hmm, cakes :drool: Have fun with the belly dancing!
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LostLioness
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#32
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#32
Palmyra
PRSOM? I wasn't aware you repped me this much.


PRSOM back. Thank you. As fun as twisting unused limbs can be.
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LostLioness
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#33
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#33
The Youth In Womb/Tomb
I had been like Hamlet in Wittenberg and Milton's Adam in Eden
Sleeping sinless-ly
In Water’s womb.
She was Nature: the weaving master of illusions whose giggles
Put me to an innocent slumber
And whose green breast leaked hope.

Until Sirens of Sirenum scopuli
Sung
Awakening my sins and my consciousness
Lulling me to the shores like a creature predestined for torment
Until I wake again -
to whine and retreat back into the stomach of my mother
Her intestines are but smothers
The hands of a baby
I watch
Searching around
And yet
It is dead skin I find
I have been left in.
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A very odd choice to randomly post a poem but I am getting into writing again so there will be some talk about books and writing-projects. This one is a rough draft of something I wrote eons ago but I am just setting the mood for more creative stuff on this blog.
Last edited by LostLioness; 1 week ago
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LostLioness
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#34
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#34
I should be practising for LNAT and/or UCAT right now but I am helplessly self-destructive and always make the worst choice for myself so I am off to paint. Such a hedonist. I need to have this painting completed before the 15th because it is a present for someone I am seeing for the last time on results day. And how much have I completed thus far? A Branch. Yes, a thin line of brown paint. A branch.

I think I have an addiction to the rush before a deadline, no wonder why I keep procrastinating. I also thought I was going to take a break from TSR to be more productive but that didn't happen either. Ah, to one day say things I actually do. How wonderful that would be.

Regardless, the plan is to stay up late tonight, listen to music and work on the present (the painting) because tomorrow I am going to have to begin revising again. Not going to lie, I kind of missed studying. Hmm. Never thought I would confess to liking studying. In all fairness, I know I have been whining about results day for so long but a growing part of me just wants to see them now. I need to know how bad I have done and how much work needs to go into repairing my academic record. I am also growing a little obsessed with the idea of going to university, have already ordered folders and stationery. :rofl: I have had to put it all away because I know I am still doing another year of A-levels.
Last edited by LostLioness; 1 week ago
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LostLioness
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#35
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#35
I do think this is the worst day for it to rain this summer, the melancholic atmosphere is giving me so much anxiety about tomorrow.
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LostLioness
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#36
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#36
It makes my eyes narrow with disgust to see this 'blog' becoming more of a gutter for my forever flowing emotions than anything. I cannot help it. So here is some more. :rofl:

There are far too many emotions running through me at this moment for it to be even possible to pin one down and analyse it. Nervousness is naturally to be expected, even a little bit of excitement. However, disappointment before even seeing the results is not something I ever imagined I would feel.
For someone who used to take education so seriously to just go down and go down so far isn't a pretty experience. I am tempted to have a melt down and just throw a massive pity-party. But I also know that I need to remain calm and level-headed so that I can think logically tomorrow and deal with issues as they arise. No one takes a sobbing idiot seriously.
I just know that I will be so incredibly heartbroken if I get anything below an A in English Literature, the one subject I gave my 100% to. Honestly, plan is to let out all the tears in advance tonight so that tomorrow I can talk to people without bawling my eyes out. :rofl: I am not sure why I inserted that emoji, not very reflective of my genuine feelings.

On a positive note: I have discovered something I have a feeling I am going to obsess over for a very long time: yoga. I have officially started the 30-day Yoga challenge by the YouTuber 'Yoga with Adriene'. I have always exercised vigorously to lose weight and to destress so never really gave much thought to yoga, even if I did a little bit here and there. I think following someone who knows what they are doing and to replicate it has made me realise how relaxing it is. Plan on doing it for 30 days to see what sort of change it brings.

My plan for the evening is to just to go over what needs to happen tomorrow and then to go to bed at around 10. Also need to pick out what I am going to wear.


Creative gibberish:
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It is so tempting to see a beam of light in the darkness and wish to hold it, cling to it and preserve it in your fist. Wrap your fingers around it - not to choke but to hold. But the desperation with which you hold it might as well be suffocating it. If only you stepped out to find the source of this light - because it came from somewhere where exists so much more of it - you might find that you are the one being held. Embraced by something gentle and soothing. And anyways, there is no beauty in being the child whose grubby fingers crush the first fly it manages to capture, no charm in her screech full of delight at having found something at last, and no gentleness in the way she kills it without even realising.
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LostLioness
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#37
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#37
So I just got back and although my ambitious plan had been to remain calm and approach the situation like an adult would, I shamelessly burst into tears the moment I entered the privacy of my room. This should tell you that I did terribly. I did do well in one of my subjects and I am tempted to share the good news but cannot yet do the same with the bad. It would be somewhat illogical to share one and not the other. Give me a few days and once I have stopped licking my wounds, I will reveal it all. :rofl: (again with the ingenuine use of emojis. hmm)

Off to do the second day of Yoga, even though it is tempting to just mope around and be depressed. Then I am reminded of the reason why this blog exists in the first place. I started it because I'd realised my errors in life after A-level exams finished. And if I have learnt something from the last two years of 6th form, it is that a positive mindset is important for happiness. And a happy person is a productive person. Besides, there is only going up from this point, given that I can drop no lower. It isn't easy sharing failure but it would be so stupid to pretend everything is fine on here. It isn't.

Future plans: currently sorting out where I am retaking two of my 4 A-levels and then going from there. Need to get one of my papers remarked. Not entering clearing, withdrew my application. I know what I want and I am not settling for just anything. (Odd words from someone like me - failed massively - but I think this is the delusional lioness roaring once again. Poor her.)
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LostLioness
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#38
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Also, the weather is getting colder! :confused: Where is the summer I was promised? Now I am going to have to get my jumpers out.
Last edited by LostLioness; 5 days ago
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ThunderBeard
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#39
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#39
(Original post by LostLioness)
So I just got back and although my ambitious plan had been to remain calm and approach the situation like an adult would, I shamelessly burst into tears the moment I entered the privacy of my room. This should tell you that I did terribly. I did do well in one of my subjects and I am tempted to share the good news but cannot yet do the same with the bad. It would be somewhat illogical to share one and not the other. Give me a few days and once I have stopped licking my wounds, I will reveal it all. :rofl: (again with the ingenuine use of emojis. hmm)

Off to do the second day of Yoga, even though it is tempting to just mope around and be depressed. Then I am reminded of the reason why this blog exists in the first place. I started it because I'd realised my errors in life after A-level exams finished. And if I have learnt something from the last two years of 6th form, it is that a positive mindset is important for happiness. And a happy person is a productive person. Besides, there is only going up from this point, given that I can drop no lower. It isn't easy sharing failure but it would be so stupid to pretend everything is fine on here. It isn't.

Future plans: currently sorting out where I am retaking two of my 4 A-levels and then going from there. Need to get one of my papers remarked. Not entering clearing, withdrew my application. I know what I want and I am not settling for just anything. (Odd words from someone like me - failed massively - but I think this is the delusional lioness roaring once again. Poor her.)
You did great in one of them. That’s a whole lot better than nothing. Also you are much better than a ton of people, you’ve got a plan, you know what to do and you’re on your way. Good luck!
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LostLioness
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#40
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(Original post by ThunderBeard)
You did great in one of them. That’s a whole lot better than nothing. Also you are much better than a ton of people, you’ve got a plan, you know what to do and you’re on your way. Good luck!
Aw you put too much faith in me! x

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On the bright side: we can complain about bio and chem together next year. Let's go get those As/A*s.
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